<p>As we are looking for colleges for DS2, one of MY deepest wishes is that he truly grow and better himself as a person. Right now I think he is immature for his age. While quite capable academically, he is often lacking in people and social skills as well as confidence. In my mind he needs to make some major leaps in these areas if he is going to be successful in the real world.</p>
<p>So here’s the question: what are some very specific, concrete ways in which kids achieve this type of personal growth in college? Is it based on doing or joining certain things? Or is it just a matter of giving them more time to mature? Is this more of a problem with boys?</p>
<p>FYI: The college he is liking the best right now is a small LAC with a very inclusive, close-knit community. I am hoping this will help.</p>
<p>I had a friend who lacked some social skills in high school. Super smart, knew math and science like nobody’s business, but throughout most of high school he wasn’t very good at interacting with others unless he got to know them very well (which was hard since most were put off by his attitude). It got better by senior year. He now goes to Middlebury and seems to be doing great… he made friends easily, has a girlfriend, and the few times we’ve met up since graduation he seems way more… adjusted. I think a small LAC could help.</p>
<p>For me, it was being around a bunch of bright engineering students and realizing I wouldn’t/couldn’t earn perfect grades as I did in high school. So I loosened up and stopped worrying so much! I had fun and even partied some. Still had a high GPA but stopped being a perfectionist. So when my future DH came along in grad school, one thing he admired about me was my ability to have fun and goof off!</p>
<p>My S started working this summer as a cashier at a busy bakery cafe in the mall. He had to interview with 2 different people to get the job. I have been shocked at the increase in social skills and confidence that he has shown in the 3 months that he has been working.</p>
<p>Some thoughts. I’m not going to edit and make them flow better.</p>
<p>Time is a huge factor. Your child is still evolving. Many introverts don’t want the high powered social life most consider normal. Do not assume that what is good for the majority is good for everyone. Choosing a college with many interested in the same things will be better than a “nuturing” place but without a peer group.</p>
<p>Every college leads to personal growth. Not everyone will ever have the same people/social skills. A lot of maturity/“growing up” occurs senior year of HS. Many kids you think will never be ready for college do fine by the fall they go.</p>
<p>Confidence comes from being successful. It could be that a big research school works for the introverted science type- finding a peer group who thinks like they do and has the same interests.</p>
<p>Not sure if there’s anything to take away from this, but your post made me think of the son of a friend of mine. Always fairly socially awkward. He went off to a small school and my friend (with the best of intentions) tried to shovel him into things <em>she</em> thought would be good for him. Made him apply to be an RA (he didn’t make it), made him rush a fraternity (he was not selected by any), . . . . During his freshman year he expressed interest in joining the local volunteer fire department. She pooh-poohed it. Late in his second year he still hadn’t found a close group of friends, but he finally persevered in joining the fire dept. He’s happy has a clam. Joined another volunteer fire department here at home this summer. </p>
<p>I think the takeaway is that you need to let him find his own thing. I don’t believe there’s a “magic bullet” that will make a kid more mature/more socially comfortable. I also do <em>not</em> think it’s a good idea to let your son think <em>you</em> are concerned about this. Chances are he’ll figure it out. <em>All</em> college freshmen are a little out of their element. I’d try not to worry about it, and just try to make sure he chooses a school where he feels comfortable with the student body. (Re-visits to the top contenders in the spring–including an overnight–can help him get a real feel for the kinds of kids at the schools.)</p>
<p>And in my experience, all boys are slow to mature. ;)</p>
<p>S definitely experienced personal growth in leadership and social skills (in the broadest sense) as a member of a fraternity. I think that working as a TA also led to his feeling more comfortable taking a “lead role” in various situations. (He’s an introvert, and although not shy or socially awkward, he doesn’t naturally put himself forward.)</p>
<p>I think all college experiences lead to personal growth - living in a dorm with others, having to negotiate some things with a room mate, hanging out with people in the hallway. Class discussions and learning others’ perspectives that are different. Heck, I met the first Jewish person I had ever met in college.</p>
<p>Social issues were the biggest worry I had for my son at college. He found his people there though and is very happy. Most of his friends he met in his honors dorm. He is at a university with over 10,000 students.</p>
<p>Getting a job helps a lot in personal growth. If the person has social inexperience then a job where he needs to interface with people, customers, coworkers, supervisors, is a great aid towards attaining life skills. Being responsible and showing up on time and managing one’s schedule form a time management perspective helps a lot as well. Certain on campus jobs are great for this.</p>
<p>Outside of that, pretty much all other experiences help with personal growth - dealing with standing up for oneself, figuring out which courses to take and getting them scheduled, taking the initiative to talk to profs, TAs, classmates in order to understand the material better, becoming a grader for a prof, dealing with roomies, and everything else.</p>
<p>One can attain all of the above on almost all campuses - big and small, state and private. One could argue that some big state U experiences will develop more of these skills than some small private college experiences simply due to the necessity and less coddling.</p>
<p>I concur, as I did the same in a sorority, where I held leadership positions and developed / cemented my schmooze-the-crowd skills, which wasn’t easy for an introvert like myself.</p>
<p>Thanks all. As mentioned this last year of high school could bring a lot of growth in itself. What’s more, he’s taking a speech class this year and if he attends the college he’s favoring there’s a huge emphasis on writing, speaking, thinking skills. There’s also a smallish greek system. I doubt he’d join but who knows.</p>
<p>I had a professor in college who always said that the three things that every kid should do before they graduate are:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Flunk a class. </p></li>
<li><p>Work as a waiter for a summer. Preferabley in a dive of a restaurant or bar.</p></li>
<li><p>Have major fight with his parents. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>I did all of these. She was right – each of them had a impact on my life in a very good way, although at the time it was hard to see.</p>
<p>Although Greek life certainly provides many opportunities to develop social and leadership skills, I wouldn’t suggest pushing it on a student who is not interested.</p>
<p>Mine is just plain immature, not socially, but full of unchecked optimism. I suggest a gap year but it’s not going to happen. But she plans to apply to Caltech with a major in Nuclear Engineering. Screaming emoticon here!</p>
<p>I have great hopes for my son who heads off next week. We found out today that his roommate is bringing a TV and Xbox (also screaming emoticon). My son is starting out in ROTC. He is not a scholarship student, so it will completely be his decision whether he wants to continue. However, the men who run the program say over and over that the better the students do, the better their options will be.</p>
<p>Well each of mine have failed a class!
Oldest took a year off, retook entire sequence, returned to her lac, and graduated. ( & just recieved her MA this spring)
Youngest is retaking the class, and has found a tutor ( outside the school), that seems to be working well. Better late than never.
:)</p>
<p>D graduated from a very large urban university last spring and will start her new job in a month. As a high school senior, she was shy, not very self-confident, but very focused. I worried about her living in the city and thought she should have chosen a more nurturing LAC. (Back then, she didn’t even like to order for herself in a restaurant. I thought the big city life might eat her alive.) </p>
<p>Today she is a very different person - poised, self-confident, and very assertive. She readily navigates city life - mass transportation, crazy neighbors, stubborn landlords - and juggles it all easily (or at least it seems so to me.) She’s still not the most outgoing person, but she has a circle of close friends she made in college and she is definitely nobody’s doormat.</p>
<p>Part of it was simple maturation, I think. She didn’t fail a class or have a huge blow-out with her parents. I think that her personal growth experiences were the end of a serious long-distance romantic relationship (very tough but definitely a learning experience) and her summer internship in her area of study (welcome to the working world, baby!!) And in her case, I think that large urban university was very important to her growth. It wasn’t necessarily nurturing, but it helped her develop great societal coping skills while giving her the chance to succeed and flouirish academically and career-wise.</p>
<p>So many parents want their children to go to smaller schools, where they will get more attention and faculty interaction. Smaller schools can be wonderful for personal growth in many ways. One advantage, however, of going to a large state university is that students have to learn to be very independent and figure things out themselves. There is no hand-holding with anything, and dealing with a little more bureaucracy can help students prepare for real life – as long as they are doing most of themselves and the parents aren’t stepping in. Also, it takes more effort to get to know a professor in a large class than in a small one, but those relationships are just as rewarding. Students who take the initiative to speak to professors after class or to go to office hours will reap the benefits.</p>
<p>As a student at a large university, it was hard for me to leave my comfort zone. However, I pushed myself to do things such as plan my course of study before I ever spoke to an advisor and go to office hours as often as possible. In return, I learned to be more organized and more assertive, and I formed relationships with some wonderful professors at my university, men and women who taught large classes but who relished more personal interactions with students.</p>
<p>Of course one of the prroblems of attending a public university without the easily accessible resources of a smaller school, is that it can be extremely difficult or even impossible to find support.
Students don’t have advisors in their major, until they have been admitted to their major. Students at an Lac will have the same advisor throughout.
Students at a large university may be just too overwhelmed to jump through all the hoops that are required to eke out a great four years at their campus, whereas students who only have to step out of their comfort zone somewhat at a smaller school may more easily learn what it feels like to be successful.</p>
<p>On the other hand, students at a small school may feel that they’re living in a fishbowl, with too much forced interaction with faculty and other students. This can be uncomfortable for some introverts. </p>
<p>One of my kids is an introvert. She went to a large university, and it worked out just fine. In fact, I think it helped that she could disappear into the crowd when she felt the need to do so. But she was also independent enough to find the things she wanted and to seek assistance when she needed it (which was rarely).</p>
