What do I need to do before dying?

Parent Cafe
41

My heart goes out to you and all of your family. I cannot even begin to imagine your sorrow for having to leave them
. I will keep you and yours in my prayers.

Your daughter should be eligible for social security now and through the age of 18 or 19. She will be eligible to collect 1/2 her fathers SS if he passes away before she is 18 or 19.

Your daughter will be eligible for health care through the affordable care act. She should be eligible for COBRA through your work place for a certain amount of time.

I would make sure that in no way would your daughter ever be responsible/or made to be responsible to care for her father if he becomes seriously ill. This should be worked out so that her only duty is to love him. She will be struggling with your loss and will need all her energy for herself.

My friend lost her mom at age 20. Her constant regret is that her mom did not know her as the adult she became. She was worried that her mom only knew her as a 20 yr old young adult who was very ego centric at that time.
I guess I would make sure your daughter knows that you believe she is going to be a wonderful, wonderful adult.

42

I can only express the above well wishes for you and your family.
My father died suddenly when I was 17, he was 45.
It was so much of a shock that I left after the memorial service when I was supposed to be greeting relatives.
It also took a great deal of time before I was ready to process it, something that for me at least comes in layers.
I think that recording your thoughts, whether written, dictated or video, will be invaluable as a resource for your loved ones. It’s true it may be painful and they may not be ready to view it right away, or for some time.
But to know that part of you is there, for them to connect with when they are ready, would be immensely comforting.
To have the opportunity to develop their own ceremony to honor you and what you mean to them may also be healing for your kids.
I wish I had been able to do that at the time, but I wasnt ready.
My kids never had the chance to meet my dad, and while I met my husband the next year, when I was 18, he never had a chance to do so either.
More photos( even though he was a very serious amateur photographer, there were very, very few photos of himself), writings, or recordings would have been amazing to watch with my family, especially as they get older and are more interested in family history.

I also want to suggest works by Stephen Levine.
http://www.personaltransformation.com/stephen_levine.html

Your husband also might want to keep a journal, to help him process, and to leave for your children.
I found reading Jim Beavers ( Deadwood, Justified, et al) memoir, ( Life’s that way) of his wife’s illness and death to be cathartic.

43

I have a very close friend who is now end-stage Parkinson’s with Parkinson’s related dementia. She has one daughter and I am very close as she was six weeks old on my wedding day and I have a beautiful photograph of holding her in my wedding gown. So when she got married about five years ago while her mom was still able to speak and move but not really capable of any decision making, another close friend and I stepped in to offer to help shop for wedding dress, deal with all the arrangements and details. It wasn’t needed as it was casual wedding on a summer Saturday on the steps of their brownstone in Brooklyn but I would certainly have done all that I needed to do. I would only hope that you have family and friends to do the same.

44

Much love to you, OP.

I third the idea of Caring Bridge. For a year, I followed the journal of a woman I’d never met, but we were linked by a tragedy that touched our sons. It was such a comfort to follow the family’s progress and now have to wonder how her son was healing.

A trust sounds like a great idea.

I love that you’re doing college visits now so that she remembers you as part of that process. Maybe one of those notes/videos could be one about your own college years.

45

I want to thank everyone again for both the practical and the emotional advice. All is welcome. It’s easier to talk to my husband and even the kids about the practical details - who is a beneficiary on what accounts, etc. It’s much, much harder to have the conversation about what each kid will find meaningful as a memento or what advice they would like now, or what they’re going to miss most that I’ll no longer be able to provide for them. You’ve all come up with some ways to make that process a little more bearable and I thank you.

A very kind person in a private message thanked me for opening the topic on what / how to do this. In retrospect, all of this would have been so much easier when my death was an abstract and not a more immediate concern. If I could offer any advice in return to you all, it would be to have some of these conversations and start planning now, while you still think you have 30 more years to worry about it. If you already have, that’s great. I wish I had. It wouldn’t make leaving my husband and kids any easier, but I’d feel more secure in my knowledge that everyone will be taken care of.

46

I can’t get this poster out of my head and heart. Someone mentioned counseling for your daughter, but what about you? Have you seen a therapist or social worker to help you? It’s so natural and normal to be worried for those you love, but I hope you have some way to process this as well. I’d love to see you all in a family therapy session with a loving counselor.

47

I don’t know what state you are in, but I strongly suspect you’ll need an attorney.

48

I want to thank the OP for this thread–because we all need to do many of these things.

49

Thanks @eyemamom. I’m sorry if I’ve made you or anyone else feel bad - that wasn’t my intent at all. I’m not opposed to the idea of counseling, and will certainly offer/encourage my daughter at least to take advantage of it. She is, both fortunately and unfortunately, an extremely level headed, logical pragmatist such as myself. For that reason alone, I have confidence she’ll weather it ok in the end, but it will change life for her and that makes me sad. If anything, I’d like her to know it’s okay to not be okay for a while, if that makes sense, but that I know she’ll manage in spite of the circumstances.

She has expressed more concern for her 22yr old brother who’s much more emotional and will struggle mightily with this. I was a single mom for his first 6 years and we’ve always been close. He still calls or texts every single day just to chat, etc. As he leaves in July, our time together is limited and that presents its own set of challenges. I’m heartened by the fact that he’ll be extraordinary busy in training and hopefully that will be a great distraction for him. The military provides many resources for support and I’ll encourage him to seek out what ever he feels he needs.

My husband absolutely worships the ground our daughter walks on, and would do anything in his power to see that she is ok. That alone will provide him with some focus, along with basically running the household. He has done a fantastic job while I’ve been ill for the last 18 months, and I’ve no doubt will continue to do so. He’s still 100% capable and in possession of all his faculties, although I should probably address all the what-ifs inherent in that situation as well.

Counseling for myself seems a bit of a lost cause - the same way I’m not making a dentist appointment to fix a broken filling in one of my molars. A lot of expense and some pain for very little return, and it’s not bothering me. I think I’m handling it pretty well, all things considered, and counseling can’t fix what’s broken, from my perspective. I derive the most happiness and contentment out of a happy family, and I believe I can accomplish that to the same degree without counseling as I could with. Like I mentioned earlier, I am not religious (so some of you can quit sending me private messages pleading me to get right with god) and am actually quite comfortable with my worldview and my contributions to society during my life. Do I wish I had more time? You have no idea.

I feel like I’m rambling a bit and I apologize!

Edited to add that I’m not offended in the least by people offering to pray for me. I live in the South and hear it every day! If it makes you feel better, by all means do so. What I’m not really interested in is long messages, however well-meaning, explaining why I should get religion at this late date. As I said above, I’m happy with where I am and ask that you all respect that. Thanks!

50

Hugs to you.

My parents were slightly obsessed with tying off loose ends as they aged. Here are some things they did that we didn’t really understand at the time, but really appreciated after they had passed:

  1. They made some decisions about who should get what, wrote it down, and then had my sister and I go through the house together to identify exactly what we wanted. We wrote it all down as we went, with descriptions of the items. We all signed the list. My mom made copies, handed the original to the lawyer who drew up their trust for safe keeping, and gave copies to all of us.
  2. Both of my parents wrote their own obituaries.
  3. Everything was in a trust, so that when my mom died all we had left to do was empty the house and sell it. It -the trust- was (and still is) magnificently well done.
  4. They wrote down instructions for cremation, bought the crypt/mausoleum spaces, selected and paid for their urns, and left instructions for their memorial services.
  5. They left written instructions with us regarding end of life care. Mostly, that when the time came, we were to let them go. They left instructions in their medical charts and with their physicians. After my dad passed away my mom also left written instructions with her lawyer. (She was worried that, when the time came one of us would panic and start asking for more to be done.) The first thing she did when she realized that the end was very near, was to call her lawyer to make sure her end of life wishes were known and followed.
51

Please don’t apologize to me, I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you. Sometimes things happen for a reason, and I agree that your son being in the military may be the very thing that helps him through. Military becomes family and you are correct that there are tons of resources available to him.

I’d be on here screaming and completely incoherent so my hats off to you. I just finally printed off my medical directive from my lawyer and hubby and I just filled it out. Thank you for the push.

One thing my dad did was keep a box of important info all together for my mom just in case. She had never paid bills or known about financial stuff so he even had written instructions on how to sign onto the computer, everywhere they had $, passwords, and gave her an idea of how he paid bills automatically and what decisions he would make about retirement, etc. It was really easy for my brother to just go in and take over.

We’re compiling that data now.

52

I am so sorry to read your news. I am dealing with cancer as well. I have stage 4 colon cancer. I have been dealing with lung mets that I had removed both with surgery and targeted radiation. Currently I am cancer free. I wish you all the best going forward on this most difficult road with many pain free days spent with your family. It seems that you have a lot covered. I do believe in miracles. Is there any chance of more treatment available for you?

53

Warning: Medical jargon ahead! Yes, I can have more treatment, in theory, but I am considered incurable. The biggest problem is my platelets never recovered from my last round of chemo which ended in July of '14. They’re still in the 70k range, even 9 months later. If they come up enough, there are some more arrows in the quiver, though none are curative. We’d be buying time, which I’m happy with, but it won’t change the outcome. According to the radiologist’s report, I have “innumerable small nodules” in both lungs, which are too small to even biopsy at this point, let alone resect.

I get rescanned in July. If there’s been significant progression and my platelets are still not up, I’m not sure what options we’ll have. Surgery perhaps, and maybe more radiation. Planning to worry about that in July.

Best of luck to you in remaining in remission!

54

If you (or anyone reading this) has old diaries or journals that your survivors would be hurt to read, please get rid of them now. Not tomorrow or next week, get rid of them now. It’s ok to vent to your journal, it’s ok to be disappointed that not every good thing you hoped for came to pass, but it hurts to read about it after you are gone.

55

I’m another person who has been reading and thinking and sharing thoughts and prayers, even though I don’t have much to offer outside of my appreciation for jcc 's strength and thoughtfulness for the others in her life.

I happened across a book called ObitKit: A Guide to Celebrating Your Life, by Susan Soper, which might provide a useful guide. When my father was living with ALS, we completed a book called Grandpa Remembers, which provided prompts for some favorite family stories to be recorded.

I lost my mother early, and would have loved to have letters from her at various milestones.

56

I just wish to express my sincere admiration and respect for you. How lucky your family is to have you.

57

I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. I admire how proactive you have been already. I also love the idea of the letters in some form. I don’t think it would add sadness to any occasions. They will be thinking of you at those times, and will be glad to have you ‘there’ in that way.

In the last couple years, between my mother and my aunt, we found that we were suddenly faced with looking at nursing care options. assisted living to full time nursing care for one, and hospice for the other. Knowing about those options, and having some places, and/or home health care companies researched, should they be needed, could be important.
At some point, when people are very sick and won’t recover, a decision has to be made about whether or not to do everything medically possible, or just make the person physically comfortable. This happened with my aunt, and it was much harder to make those decisions (or even to get clarity from the hospital about who could make those decisions!) than I thought it would be, mostly because we didn’t have a clear understanding up front about what it really meant. Knowing what to expect and what your wishes are is important.

58

There may be other assets that you can do pay-on-death or transfer-on-death to pass them along without going through a will or probate (with possible expense and delay). These may vary by state. See http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/avoid-probate-transfer-on-death-accounts-29544.html .

59

Jcc…gentle hugs to you. I can tell from your post that you are not trying to invoke sympathy or sadness, but you would have to be made of stone not to feel those things. I surely did, and you’ve been on my mind a couple of days. You seem like a very pragmatic person, so am I and I really admire how you are more concerned with your family and preparing for them. You are a wonderful woman and mother. Everyone has given such great advice.

I am in the camp that you should leave letters and gifts. I appreciate your desire not to invoke any sadness on special days. I think it will cause tears and reflection, but it will be so treasured. I think you should do it. But, I would write those letters as if you are having conversations…don’t make them too mushy, or “I wish i was with upi today”, or things like that. Give advice as if you were there. I would write all my letters…and then write only “one”, that explains that you do “wish you were there”, but as you are not…here is your Mother’s advice and suggestions. I’d also throw humor into it to ease things. I would also have your husband take a picture of you on the day you wrote that letter, so they can see what you looked like, what you were wearing and where you were sitting. I think that would mean alot.

I’d also ask that these letters be given to be read a few days before any big events. That way on the actual big day, it won’t be marred by tears and sadness, as you say. They can be read, treasured and any gifts you leave can be shared earlier.

Take care of these things as quickly as you can…then just enjoy the rest of the time with them. My Sister lost her DH in a car accident at the age of 46. He left behind 5 boys that he was extremely close to; 23, 21, 19 from his 1st marriage and 13 and 11 with my sister. It’s been 13 years now. I can tell you that the kids have grown up to be happy, marriages, babies…finishing college, finding jobs and homes. The early years were marked with extreme sadness and adjustment, how could they not be? But JCC…they are young and their lives will be full and happy. they will find loves and have children, and be very busy. As all parents, even living ones, we are pushed to the perephery. You will never be forgotten, always remembered cherised and loved…but know in your heart they are young and the young can be selfish…they will think of themselves as they get older and their lives will be focused on themselves. I know this isn’t coming out right…I hope you understand what I’m trying to say.

This sucks…and I’m so sorry. I’m sure everyone reading your story will remember to stop what we are doing, worrying about and remember to enjoy our lives, however long they are. YOu are an inspiration to us.

60

Thank you OP, for sharing this with us all. And thanks, everyone, for chiming in with good advice and wishes, as we will all face this in one way or another…