Hugs to you, and thank you for making many of us think about what we need to do in a timely fashion. I am in admiration of your careful planning and desires to tie up the details. As well as sad that your offspring are so young while facing this situation.
If you have any time or inclination, writing is a wonderful gift for future generations. My dad wrote a book, privately published that I treasure for his voice that is still with me in his words and thoughts, though it is not at all personal. I have another family book from about 100 years ago, about a well known person from our family. If you have the desire to put down your history, your thoughts, your philosophy of life in writing, I’m sure it would be treasured more with coming years.
Hugs to you. I do not have any advice, but want to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
I’m so sorry. You are a very thoughtful and intelligent person and very kind and compassionate. I loe the idea of the milestone letters.
“you (or anyone reading this) has old diaries or journals that your survivors would be hurt to read, please get rid of them now. Not tomorrow or next week, get rid of them now. It’s ok to vent to your journal, it’s ok to be disappointed that not every good thing you hoped for came to pass, but it hurts to read about it after you are gone.”
That is GREAT advice. I have been going through some old photos that were given to me, and in there were letters that I really shouldn’t have seen. They aren’t personally hurtful to me, but they could be to other members of my family.
Don’t keep old love letters, either, unless they are from the person you’re married to 
I lost my mom at age 17–I highly recommend the book “Motherless Daughters.” I would also recommend establishing a relationship with a therapist with your daughter ahead of time. That’s something I wish I had done, because afterwards I was too overwhelmed to figure that out and didn’t want to talk to a stranger.
No advice to give, but just the wish for many good days with your family and friends.
You’re a great mom! best of luck with everything. I’m also a great planner and hope I would be as thoughtful.
My mother died last year. Most everything was in order, even though we didn’t expect her death. She named two trustees, one of my brothers and me. While things were spelled out on paper, the understanding of what she actually wanted is in question. I would recommend telling people both ways, orally and in writing, what you really want to happen with your assets. It’s beyond what you legally need to do, but helps those in mourning to honor your wishes without dispute.
Very sad reading this thread. My close g/f friend died recently, age 51. She did lots of the legal documents. I helped her with landscaping: she had never “done” her backyard and she wanted her house in order. She wasn’t much of a writer, so I suggested she buy gifts for her children for special events, each with a note attached. just some random ideas.
My niece lost her mom when she was a teen, and I think she felt the loss most keenly when she got pregnant and became a mom herself. I hope you write letters to your daughter covering those events. Your love and caring for your family comes through so clearly that they can’t help but know.
As someone who lost her mom at 26, before marriage or children - may I suggest that you also write a letter to your DH to be read in advance of your children’s significant life events? My dad was so lost without my mom at those moments - her thoughts would have meant the world to him.
A dear friend of mine died in an accident last year. Her daughter and mine weren’t particularly friendly (and stopped going to school together in 6th grade) but the mother and I stayed friends, and the girls ended up in the same college and sorority. I’ve tried to help the daughter, but she is very shy and doesn’t want it. Tomorrow is a mother/daughter brunch at the house and we asked her to sit with us, but she refuses to go at all, and wouldn’t let me take her to dinner. I do send her care packages when I send them to my kids, and she has relatives who send things and visit too, but I know she doesn’t want to intrude. She’s NOT, but I think she needs a lot more attention than she’ll let in. Sometimes she does just call my daughter and say she’s sad and wants DD to just come over and sit with her (watch TV, etc). Oh, and her mother had said her daughter wasn’t going to go through Rush or join a sorority. My daughter encouraged her to do it, and it has been the BEST thing for her. She didn’t like her dorm roommate and moved into the house at Thanksgiving. Being surrounded by new friends has been great.
She also has a younger sister who is now left with the father, who was never very involved. I know friends have help the younger girl learn to drive (our state requires 50 hours and the father just doesn’t have time), made sure she had rides to school and activities. My friend did everything (for her mother too, and the mother had to move OOS to live with her son) and just some of the basics, like health records, bills, their rental condo had so many little pieces it was hard for the father to gather all the pieces. The accident also caused great damage to his business, so they had the police to deal with, medical bills, repairs to the business for 5 months, and getting the girls to school. One of the saddest calls I received was from the older daughter asking if I knew where her mother had made the hotel reservations for move in and parents’ weekend.
For your daughter, I’d try to involve the relative or another special person in her life now so she doesn’t reject the help. All of you go prom dress shopping this year, even if you don’t buy a dress. You’ll have the experience shopping with her, she’ll know that it is normal when she goes next year with the friend/relative. Talk about driving lessons, talk about SAT and sending scores etc. Make sure the guidance counselor knows what your plans are, what kind of colleges you are thinking about. Teach your daughter about paying bills. Talk to your daughter about things like her graduation, who will attend, who she should ask.Tell her they WANT to come and you want them to come. If she has a BFF, maybe that family will want to include your daughter in their activities too, and you should encourage your daughter to join in.
The idea of prom dresses mentioned above (fantasy shopping) reminds me of something that happened this year after my 73 yo mother had a heart attack while visiting me…as she got close to being well enough to go back home she and I and my daughter went wedding dress shopping for me. During my first marriage we eloped and she never got any of that…so at 48 and engaged we went wedding dress shopping with her in a wheel chair. Not to buy really but to give her a chance to be part of it and see me in those dresses, to add her thoughts, like she never had before and which at the time we weren’t sure she ever would. It was really special.
The mom of one of my friends died after a lengthy siege and her illness accelerated all her plans: rushed to get married, had a kid, etc. I would never say any of that was a mistake but rather that my friend’s choice was hers. One thing that did stick out is her mom bought things to be given to her grandkids in the future. Since she knew there was a granddaughter, she bought some age appropriate jewelry for her. I don’t remember what age or anything like that. I think the meaning of doing this at the time was the important thing because the connection was from mom to my friend not to her as yet unborn and then infant daughter.
Hello,
I just wanted to comment from the child’s perspective.
When I was 17, the mom of my best high school friend (let’s call her K) died of breast cancer. She had been having treatment for 5 year. I know this seems insane, and I knew at that age that cancer could kill people, but I never once imagined she would actually die. That’s the sort of thing that happened to other people. Strangely, my friend K now (10 years later) says much the same thing. K’s mom died in July, when school was out. I remember my family going on vacation, and during that time K’s mom was admitted to a hospice. Even at that time, K thought the treatment would make her mom better. She understood that the disease was terminal, but rationalised that that could mean 10 years from now, not right now, despite all signs to the contrary. I guess what I am trying to say is, I don’t think anyone is prepared for stuff like this, let alone teenagers. We all have hope.
K was accepted at 5 colleges but withdrew those applications and went to a local commuter school instead. She had two younger siblings and I think she took on the mom role for them a lot of the time. However, she met her husband at that commuter school, and has a lovely 6 year old son. Both her siblings went away to college (one did study abroad in Japan) and successfully graduated.
K’s dad moved house almost immediately after her mom’s death. He wanted to get away from the bad memories in that house, but I think K and her siblings were very unsettled by this and would have preferred to stay where they were. However, none of us know how we will react to this kind of stress.
I really do wish you all the best, whatever the future may hold for you.
A college friend of mine, married 3 sons, died of breast cancer. Her sons were quite young. She wrote letters in advance for major occasions. Her voice was not silenced.
In addition to letters to your children, maybe wrapped gifts for their weddings. I would think something along the lines of a strand of pearls for your daughter and cuff links for your son.