<p>I’m a single parent in my 40s whose last kid just left the nest. My older kids are on their own; the youngest just started college on close to a full ride. All my kids were able to graduate without loans but the cost to me was to eat and sleep work, school and their activities. Now that they’re gone, my life is empty. I work as an independent contractor and want to move overseas but it will involve a significant drop in income. I should be able to cover my living expenses but might not be able to help my youngest much. I don’t think kiddo’s school is a good match (huge school and kid has ADHD-- but we couldn’t turn down the $ so I convinced kiddo to give it a go for a year or two) and a transfer would likely mean a huge tuition/ dorm bill-- a bill that I don’t know if I could pay if I move overseas but I could likely swing if I stay put. Do I owe it to stay put until youngest is through college or at least until I am pretty sure there won’t be a transfer?</p>
<p>Since your older kids are on their own and graduated debt free – would it be possible for them to help out the younger brother if it became necessary? Random thought … no shoulds implied!</p>
<p>Only one has enough income to help at all-- and I think I would be opening a can of worms. That kid stopped and started their way through college, alternating times of work with school, and would be less than sympathetic to youngest messing up or turning their back on that much money. </p>
<p>If I had to help youngest through school, my only two alternatives would be to take a home equity loan or have kiddo go to school overseas (probably not a good option because it would be in another language and I don’t know how the ADHD would play into it). I have enough equity in my house to do it but, of course, that could affect my ability to buy another place. (I have pretty much decided that I will not sell my house now and would just rent a place overseas until I know if this is feasible.)</p>
<p>I am not a parent, but I was in college not too long ago. Have you spoken to your youngest daughter about this? If it were me personally, I would want my parents to live their life, not stick around for me. Again, that may be just me - I feel it would be too much of a burden to accept a person putting their life on hold for me.</p>
<p>I also have to say I am an only child, but I think it would be really unfair to make the siblings help pay, unless it was something that was expected/discussed AND agreed to by them before. Again, this is just my personal view, but I don’t think it’s fair to burden someone with taking care of an able-bodied family member. She is not their child. If they want to help, that’s one thing, but it’s not at all their responsibility.</p>
<p>2College,</p>
<p>I greatly admire all that you’ve done with your kids over the years. I don’t know what to tell you.</p>
<p>On one hand, I would think that you might want to delay any plans at least for a year to see if youngest child adjusts.</p>
<p>On the other hand, you’ve devoted blood, sweat and tears raising your kids, it’s understandable that it’s time for “you”. </p>
<p>Would it be asking too much to just wait a year to see if your last child settles in?</p>
<p>Well, whatever you do, don’t ask the oldest to do things for the youngest that the youngest will never have to do in return.</p>
<p>Trust me on this. </p>
<p>Talk to the youngest about this. See where they stand on this. I mean, you’re already part way through the first semester. That could give a barometer, to some extent?</p>
<p>Is the overseas opportunity on an expiration date? Or will that be there in May?</p>
<p>I am also in the “wait a year” camp. How are you actually going to feel about the situation if you are abroad and this child needs help? I think being that far away would mean you could really provide very little in emotional or financial support. It just may not be that easy for you emotionally, and then you would be dealing with coming back for some period of time. Better to go when you know the coast is clear.</p>
<p>Also thinking that children can easily feel slighted if they perceive they were treated any differently than their siblings. Your child might feel that you were around to see the others settle into college, so why not the same for him/her?</p>
<p>Acollegestudent, I can’t even get said youngest to take 10mins out of the busy schedule to talk to me so, no, I haven’t been able to run it past kiddo but I do think kiddo will feel tricked into things if the transfer option is taken away. </p>
<p>Mom2, I don’t know how to answer your question. It doesn’t seem like much, does it? But I’m having a real hard time now. My work isn’t full-time and, on the days I don’t work, I’m terribly lonely. I have tried some other options (applied for some ft jobs to no avail, invited others out but it’s generally a lunch date since women my age have families, traveled) but the first empty day that comes up and bang, it hits me that I’m all alone and just marking time. I have an elderly parent who, in the next few years, could need my help. If I’m settled into a foreign country, I could take him there but, if I’m not there yet, it would be harder to do this with that added responsibility.</p>
<p>Harvestmoon1, my kids have already been treated very differently. I divorced because of abuse and my kids never had a dad in their lives. Older kids remember it-- along with times the heat went out, times we were grateful for homemade pancakes for dinner, etc. Youngest was too young to remember and, because of lds, had a lot more individual attention. I was in my 20s with a brood of kids and pretty quickly figured out that any man with whom I could hold an intelligent conversation had options and I had one shot to get my kids through life. So youngest got lots of attention and I’ve had no life. It was fine-- but now they’ve all moved away and here I am. To be clear, I have enough money saved so that youngest could complete current pricey private or even our instate flagship without loans-- but not another pricey private which would probably be a better fit.</p>
<p>Poetgrl, my plan was to go for a few months now, test it out and then, if I can make it happen, move permanently. So there wouldn’t be a permanent move before May. Youngest is currently attending school in a place where another of my kids is trying to relocate and where we have relatives-- so there is emotional support.</p>
<p>I understand your dilemma and questioning how much of your life do you gladly sacrifice for their greater good. </p>
<p>I say go. It’s not permanent. See how it feels and if you can make it work. Reevaluate in May. You’ve done some good work as a mom and now you have YOUR life ahead of you. And good for you for looking for an adventure.</p>
<p>I say don’t go. Don’t think that just because this kid is your youngest that s/he won’t need as much as the oldest. You’ve been there for years for the oldest, even helping him/her long after college is done. I think you owe the same to the youngest.</p>
<p>(I am a younger child whose parents sold the homestead five days after I left for college, whose father retired one year after I graduated from college, and who moved across the country six months after I got married. I resent greatly the fact that they had no qualms about showing me how much I stunted their dream life.)</p>
<p>ETA: My kids certainly needed me during and even after college. If your life is empty, it’s up to you to fill it. Moving overseas is only one way to do that. I wouldn’t flee to a new life but would try to develop one where you are now.</p>
<p>Tough issue. I guess I would loom for other alternative here before moving overseas. Good luck. Sounds like you’ve done well by your kids so far.</p>
<p>I say go. You can try it out, it’s not permanent. You say you are not selling your home, so rent it out with a month to month agreement. That way, if you want to return you can get back into your house in a month or so. You might be surprised, your kids all show up to visit you often overseas, for the adventure.</p>
<p>Interesting… I didn’t think so many people would think I should stay. So how long? Youngest is 20yo thanks to a gap year. </p>
<p>VeryHappy, my kids aren’t losing me. They’ve all moved hundreds of miles away. I’m not selling the house at this point so they’re free to go there whenever they want and youngest would be able to spend breaks with me overseas. I’m not sure what you think is necessary. I have spent over 20 years living where I do for the kids-- because the schools were good, the neighborhood was safe, yards, yada. Am I supposed to stay here for years after they’ve left? Certainly, youngest would probably not be moving back permanently.</p>
<p>Sopranomom, I have 2 house sitters lined up. The kids can access the house whenever they want and they are very familiar with the country at hand. (They’ve actually spent more time in that country than I. )</p>
<p>Where will your youngest son live during the summers when college is not in session? Do you think that your feelings of loneliness might be exacerbated if you move abroad?</p>
<p>Oh my, you’re really setting yourself towards a calamity.<br>
First, you want to move overseas because you’re lonely. ??? What makes overseas so special that it can cure your loneliness?<br>
Next, your youngest is now at a huge school that’s probably a bad match for him. Hummm. Is it really wise to leave the country just when there’re potential problems looming?<br>
Then there’s the lack of emotional support. You were there for your older kids, but not so for your youngest. That doesn’t sound “fair”.<br>
And finally, there are economic concerns you might need to deal with. If you left, you’d leave your income and what would happen if it’s just when your son drops out of his huge school and decides he needs a smaller environment? Not only will you be an ocean away, but the expenses would be higher just at the time when you make very little.</p>
<p>I do not think you should move away until your college son is more settled. 1) is this the right college? 2) wherever he goes, you’ll need to cover those expenses just as you did for your older kids.</p>
<p>Full disclosure: my mom moved away when I was 25 and my brother was 20. I was very unhappy. I always thought my mom was selfish and I really needed her nearby. It was much worse when I had young children. It wasn’t until 30 years later when she and I finally had a good relationship.</p>
<p>I have to admit that I agree with you limabeans.
The kids aren’t all out of the nest, one just started college that doesn’t sound like a good fit but OP liked the price.</p>
<p>My oldest only attended school 200 miles away but without a cellphone/messaging, many cues were missed resulting in her having to come home and regroup for a year. ( misdiagnosis of illness & struggling in a particularly tough class can happen to anyone. This btw was her junior year)</p>
<p>My youngest attends school only 80miles away & it has been wonderful. We see her often,( about every month or two) by her choice & she seems to benefit a lot from those visits, something I never would have predicted given her personality.( by which I mean her personality towards myself- not others)</p>
<p>You dont have that much longer for hands on parenting, but a young adult in college with learning differences is still in need of that.</p>
<p>I also was wondering what wrong with pancakes for dinner?
I eat pizza for breakfast!
;)</p>
<p>I think we need to find 2College a nice boyfriend.</p>
<p>:)</p>
<p>“The kids aren’t all out of the nest, one just started college that doesn’t sound like a good fit but OP liked the price.”</p>
<p>No… kiddo chose the school. There were no good fits among acceptances. There were lots of waitlists and that was after a gap year.</p>
<p>Limabeans, you thought your mother moving away when you were <em>25</em> was “selfish”??? Wow. We were all married or on our own by then. It honestly sounds selfish to me for you to want your parents not to move when you were way past the age where they were responsible for you. If you wanted to be near them, you could always move. (And I don’t mean that disrespectfully. I just can’t imagine calling a mom selfish for moving away when you were 25yo. Maybe there’s more to that story. Trust me, no one would ever call me selfish!) </p>
<p>As far as my youngest transferring, kiddo can live with me overseas or can stay home. Youngest is already 20yo.</p>