<p>2collegewego, all I can say is that I don’t think I would leave, if I were in your shoes. I have always been a single mom but have only one. I am not looking forward to the empty nest next year. My kid will be away next year but she will only be 18 and not fully launched.</p>
<p>Kids with LDs and other special needs (be it health issues or others) can need a bit more “parenting” and care than others. Not sure how hard/easy it would be to do it when in another country. My kids were not good about keeping in touch via email or phone or text either, but I was happy I was able to have them visit me and me visit them several times a year. I was also happy that I had the means financially to be able to adapt for their expenses, even if they needed to spend an extra year or two in college, etc.</p>
<p>It sounds like you have a lot to think about, with your parents possibly needing care soon and not knowing if your S will fully adjust to his new college. It seems it might be useful to have an extended visit to wherever you’re considering relocating to see if it matches what you expect it to in terms of costs of living, job prospects, means of caring for your folks, place for your kids to visit (if you want them to), and whether you are more or less lonely there than where you currently live.</p>
<p>I’d be concerned about what options you are leaving for you and your youngest in case he turns out not to be able to handle his current college environment and your earnings diminish in your new country abode. Are you expecting this youngster to shoulder the loans? You? Have the older sibs offered to shoulder it? College can be a turbulent time for many kids. I know it was for me D (not so much for our S). It can be reassuring for them to know there are good options if the original school might not work out as expected. Just observations and thoughts that you can consider if you feel they may have any value.</p>
<p>OP - You sound like a terrific mom, so I wish I could say “go for it”. But I’ve had an adhd-ish kid at a not ideal college (it had pros/cons). It was a blessing that is was only 40 miles from home… it didn’t work out so well, but we were close enough to stay involved. So the thought of you going overseas is a concern.</p>
<p>HIMom, yes, I was planning for an extended visit to see how it works out (particularly financially). I could only do it if finances work but I suspect they will be less than I earn now because I will have the added expense of rent over there. To answer your questions: there is enough saved that youngest could attend any instate public option or the current school which has been generous with scholarship and financial aid-- but not a small, expensive private without financial aid. I would not expect kiddo to take out loans. I think, if there’s a transfer, it would likely occur at the end of the next academic year and options would include overseas and instate public for financial safeties plus the small privates at which point I would consider a home equity loan to be paid off when I sell the house. </p>
<p>Oh, the other thing about summer-- kiddo usually spends most of the summers in arts programs but I could probably come back for a month or so, which is about all the free time kiddo ever has (or kiddo could go there). </p>
<p>Colorado_mom, thank you. Kiddo turned down the local option. </p>
<p>Thanks for all your thoughts. They do give me a lot to think about. I finally spoke to kiddo who said I should go but we will revisit after extended visit and I will give a lot of thought to whether or not kiddo feels emotionally supported.</p>
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<p>When you admit that you had to convince your son to try the school for a year or two, it doesn’t sound like it was his first choice.</p>
<p>Work study can be very manageable for students with ADD as it provides structure, gives them buy in to their education as well as spending money.
I also dont understand not wanting him to have ANY loans, because surely part of the reason for attending college is to become more employable isnt it?</p>
<p>“When you admit that you had to convince your son to try the school for a year or two, it doesn’t sound like it was his first choice.”</p>
<p>Kiddo was not accepted at first choice. Kiddo had a very narrow choice. My convincing was to give it a full year or two. I bmailed you with details but that is on advice of the private arts teacher and has more to do with the specific major and the transfer application process. </p>
<p>I understand your comments about loans and work-study but kiddo is an arts major with a lot of classes. At this point, I can’t see juggling work-study but, while that may be a possibility in the future, I wouldn’t count on it. Based on the major, I don’t want loans but, if they were necessary, I would probably pay them back for kiddo.</p>
<p>As posed, it is a tough choice. Pursuing your self-fulfillment after a near lifetime of sacrificing for the kids versus being there to support your youngest in case the fit with a big school isn’t good given ADHD. I have two kids with learning disabilities (one with ADHD and one more severe) but haven’t had to make tradeoffs like that. </p>
<p>None of us know what your real situation is, so we’re forced to speculate. I don’t fully understand why living abroad will be a solution to the loneliness and isolation you feel. Most people who move abroad feel lonelier at first. Do you have a community there? Do you want to retire abroad? [It can be much cheaper to live in places like Costa Rica or Ecuador for example]. But, you might be able to deal more effectively with the loneliness/isolation by finding structure, meaning and community in your life. People who have structure, community and meaning tend not to be depressed. Structure can come from a full-time job but also from joining a community. Meaning can come from a job, from volunteer opportunities, or even from joining a religious community. Without any other information, I would have thought that it would take longer to build structure, community and meaning when moving abroad, except as part of an expat community (but even there, the expats don’t want to invest in folks who are only going to be there for a short while.)</p>
<p>Financially, could you cushion the move by renting out your current house/subletting your current apartment (can’t recall)?</p>
<p>I found my LD son benefitted greatly from having me nearby (1.5 hours away) all the way through college (and even beyond) but especially freshman year. My ADHD daughter was more private but she transferred after one semester from big public school that she loved socially but was not a good fit for ADHD kid to a small private near us (7.25 hours closer). The main impetus for the transfer was her strong desire to switch from biology to a nursing/nurse practitioner program and socially she’s not as happy with her current school, but overall the switch has been eminently beneficial. Our presence in the first transfer semester was very valuable. Now (mid-way through her third year of a five year program), we’re a bit of an afterthought in between school work, working 32+ hours a month in a hospital, and her social life. Our proximity was valuable for a while. I don’t know if it would make a difference for you and your son.</p>
<p>You’ve waited this long, why not another 2-3 years? Perhaps there are untapped avenues to remedy your loneliness within your current community?</p>
<p>How far away is this overseas posting?</p>
<p>If it is the Far East, it seems that it’s a different question than if it is in Europe, for example.</p>
<p>Whether you stay or go, you will mostly monitor your child’s situation using the phone or e-mail. </p>
<p>What would be the actual scenarios where it would be necessary for you to be onsite within a day or two or for your child to come home? How hard would that be to manage?</p>
<p>Even if your child had to transfer, it’s not clear to me that that would necessitate you staying in the country.</p>
<p>You must already have some sense of how well the youngest is settling in.</p>
<p>I was trapped at home until recently because of increasing lack of mobility.
Nine months ago, I could barely get around the block once while using a cane.
Needless to say, I was pretty lonely.
But also nine months ago, I started taking water aerobic classes 3-4 times a week.
It made an incredible difference and helped to give me incentive to find a new orthopedic surgeon who was willing to give me a new knee which I had done in May.
The water aerobic classes are incredibly social and I feel 100% better even though I am not quite to the point of where I was before I began to have problems.</p>
<p>If you have your health, you can get out and explore your interests & find people that share them.
Thinking that a change like moving will cure your loneliness could be as misguided as a high school student thinking that his " dream" college will give him happiness ever after.
<a href=“Moderate exercise not only treats, but prevents depression -- ScienceDaily”>Moderate exercise not only treats, but prevents depression -- ScienceDaily;
<p>For me, once my children were well into their college years, I definitely had the feeling that it was time to do things I’d always wanted to do, but hadn’t been able to because of responsibilities at home.</p>
<p>Maybe for the OP, one of those things is to live overseas.</p>
<p>It’s a cliche but true that you only live once.</p>
<p>You reap what you sow.</p>
<p>I didn’t read all the replies, but as the (only) daughter (and child) of a single mom, I understand the kind of bond you must have with your kids. And also, I understand the connection your youngest child might feel. </p>
<p>For me, I’m just now starting to grow more independent as a college sophomore. My freshman year was awful and I was constantly coming home and calling my mom for the stupidest of things (“Mom! I spilled grape juice all over my laundry basket. What do I do?!” “Mom! I’m coming home because I don’t feel good and I don’t know what to do.” etc.) I live close enough to do this, but even if your child is away, I’m sure she feels comforted that you’re there at her home. </p>
<p>So, I think part of this should consider how independent your child is. If she’s totally fine being on her own and can settle with her older siblings being her guiding sources, then that’s one thing. If she’s still very attached to her mother (like me), then that’s another. </p>
<p>I think you should maybe talk to them about it? I’m sure you’re all close enough to be honest and sincere with each other, so that maybe would be a good start. </p>
<p>Good luck with everything.</p>
<p>I agree with not expecting sibs to take over parenting roles whether emotional, or financial.</p>
<p>Well, I think what you want to do is as important as what anybody else wants to do. We lose track of this as mothers (parents), and that’s okay, for a certain amount of time.</p>
<p>Because of what I did for a career for twenty years, I had a lot of opportunity to come into contact with ADHD kids this age and to see some of them really figure it out and some of them not so much.</p>
<p>The main common denominator in those who figured it out really well was a kind of level of realistic expectations. In other words: ADHD kids sometimes need a reduced course load to succeed. Work can be a really great addition because they tend to be really good at work, and it adds to their sense of self. </p>
<p>I could add a lot of things. I think compmom makes a lot of really insightful posts on the issue of ADHD kids and you might want to pm her and get her opinion on leaving a kid back in the states.</p>
<p>All that said, if you aren’t going away permanently until May, which means kiddo will have had a year already and you will have a strong sense of what those realistic expectations are, again, what you want is as important as what anybody else wants. Nobody’s more important than you to you. Your kids are AS important, but at this age, not moreso.</p>
<p>I can’t tell you what to do, and wouldn’t want to. Just those are some of the factors.</p>
<p>Either way, good luck to you!</p>
<p>I would listen to what your child tells you (and she said to go). People are so different. As I mentioned, during my college years and (especially) now, I would have definitely told my parents to go, and I would have meant it. Not every young adult wants or needs family nearby (in fact, for myself personally, I wouldn’t want to go to school near family), and the fact that your children chose to move far away to me seems to say they want to be on their own.</p>
<p>Again, I am not a parent - I can only offer you my perspective as someone’s child. I always encourage my mom to live her dreams - move to a different country that she loves, or a different coast, and I mean it 100%. I think she SHOULD go (and I think you should go), and I would be really happy if she did! I also have no plans to live near my parents (unless some completely unforseen emergency comes up with them). Not everyone wants to live next to their parents or be tied to one place. People are so different.</p>
<p>Adults holding grudges against parents who dared to move away from the family home once their child was in college or even married? Unbelievable. In any case, that’s certainly not something I would worry about. If it turns out my son is that self-centered, then I screwed up raising him and I’m getting what I deserve.</p>
<p>In the OP’s case, it sounds like her child is a mature adult already. And thank goodness for that.</p>
<p>Personally, I would wait until my child was done with college strictly for financial reasons. But I’m a worrier that way and in no way do I think that’s the only correct way to parent a college age student.</p>
<p>Acollegestudent, kiddo wants me to go-- and plans on spending holidays with me if it works out-- but my kid also loves the country and they all know I supported them when they were abroad so I can’t imagine another response. It’s also true that I do think a transfer is in the future (at least an attempted transfer) and, like pugmadkate, I worry about meeting unmet need at a future school. A transfer is unlikely to bring kiddo closer to home. Kiddo is several hundred miles away but I could drive there and be there in hours. If I flew in from overseas, it would be a direct flight but transit time would double (and, of course, it would be way more expensive than jumping in the car). Shawbridge, if I rented out my house, I would more than make up the difference in housing costs, but I don’t want to lose our homebase. </p>
<p>As far as why overseas… I’ve wanted to live there for a very long time and, whether it works out now or not, I do hope to retire there. I don’t necessarily think I’ll be less lonely (although I do know people there) but it would be a new adventure which I really crave, even if just for a short time. I’ve considered going back to school but that’s just a huge expense and it won’t help me professionally unless I change professions. The next stage in my life could easily include caring for an older parent and my house is not a good option for that. My relatives want me to move to that parent’s city but that would probably mean an end to my career and a drop in income. If I were established overseas, I could take that parent there (yes, there’s good medical care and it’s parent’s native language). </p>
<p>As far as how this semester is going for kiddo… The organizational aspects were hard but it looks like kiddo is on top of that now after dropping one class. (Long story but kiddo was added late to 19 credits and, although the class was perhaps the easiest, there was a lot of work to catch up so I had him talk to them to drop down to a regular class load.) I think kiddo will pass everything, is struggling in one general ed class (no surprise) but is busting tail and has yet to fail any assignment-- the grade may be low though. The kid who lives in the same city is actually very close to my youngest and they meet regularly with older sibling basically being an organizational coach.</p>
<p>OK, 2collegewego, is there a particular country – maybe where your parent is from? Would they or you have a community there?</p>
<p>Life often involves tradeoffs. You’ve made one for a long-time – your happiness to take care of the kids. The one you are talking about is greater satisfaction (maybe) from going abroad (and also perhaps paving the way for your parent, probably with more affordable health care) but with lower income and less availability to the kiddo who may need to transfer. </p>
<p>A third tradeoff is to move, rent the house, not have lower income, but temporarily lose the home base. So, you could help kiddo financially in the case of a transfer, but wouldn’t be nearby. I clearly don’t know all the facts, but that tradeoff sounds better – you get to go abroad, get to prep for parental unit, and are able to help kiddo financially when needed. Seems superior. Think about it. [I don’t know enough so I may be way off, but my instincts are generally pretty good on this stuff].</p>
<p>Best of luck.</p>
<p>I’m a single (divorced) mom with a 21-year-old ADHD kid in school. My situation is a bit different from yours (she’s my only kid,) but I can relate.</p>
<p>My best advice is to imagine some bad-case scenarios using both options. For example, you make the overseas choice and kid gets in some kind of trouble - health issue, academic issue, violent crime victim, whatever… how do you feel about your choice? Alternatively, you stay home to insure youngest has parental support and it’s 10 years from now. You went straight from staying for your kid to caring for your parents, and you’re still single. How do you feel? </p>
<p>If, in the latter case, you think you might resent your kid, I’d choose to move as long as I could stand my reactions to the first scenario.</p>
<p>Sometimes, when I can’t make up my mind. I flip a coin and let the coin decide. If I’m upset or thrilled with the coin’s choice, that pretty much tells me what I want to do. (I don’t do this much anymore, but I found it really helpful when I had difficulty sorting out what I wanted vs. what others wanted for me/of me.)</p>
<p>And, after someone on CC finds OP a nice boyfriend, would you please send one my way? :-)</p>