What do you do if your kid is transgender and identifies as female? Do you support him? If your son and is well over 18 (or legal adulthood in your area), do you kick them out and cut off financial support? What if he wants to wear a bra, likes dresses? What would you do?
I would love him/her to death and hope life isn’t too difficult for him/her.
You love her, you support her, you nag her when appropriate, you buy her holiday gifts, feed her, argue with her, disagree with her, agree with her. And definitely when using a public restroom, you can feel free to have her hold your bag or coat while you are using the stall. Then you reciprocate. But you get to go first since she is younger.
Whatever you have always done. Assuming that by adulthood, you have a relationship with your child, you continue it and adapt to whatever new external situations may arise in your relationship with a person you probably love more than life.
In case this is a valid question and not a pot-stirrer . . .I would support her the same way I’d support any other child.
Why is this even a question?
I could understand if the OP said, “Help! My Child Is Transgender and I’m Having Difficulty Accepting It,” but I think on this forum 99.9% of us would love and support our kid.
Look, she is an adult and has probably been dealing with this for a long time. The only two choices you have here are
A. You love and support her and take things as they come - remember the transition is happening in real time for her, as well
or
B. You lose your relationship with the person you love and raised.
There is no option C for her to forget about this.
I can’t imagine any circumstances under which B would be desirable, but I worship my children and would never, ever make that choice. My only wish in life is that it never happens without my consent.
I watched Chopped for Mother’s Day last night and the mom who won had lost her son to death. Reallly. There is nothing that’s such a big deal that you should turn your back on your child.
It’s a big adjustment. It’s your job as the parent to adjust. Are you the mother or the father?
To start with I’d use the pronouns they are using.
I have two friends with kids who transitioned. They are both still the great kids they were before.
- Call her by her new name.
- Use her preferred pronoun.
- Hug her, love her, advise her on school, career, home-buying, autos, loans, and all the other things parents do for their kids.
- Watch the games with her and barbecue or go bowling or to the library or bake or whatever you always have done for fun.
- Keep her on your medical insurance until she either has insurance of her own or turns age 26.
- Welcome into your home her partner, especially at holidays.
- Celebrate her eventual marriage and walk her down the aisle
- Welcome grandchildren at some point in the future.
I would support my child, absolutely. I’d be scared and I would seek support for myself because it would be something I would need more information about. I would find people with whom I could share my deepest fears and anxieties without judgment. I would not try to stop it or coerce my child into a different direction. I would be honest with my child that I love her and I might make mistakes but that I will always try to do better and be the parent she needs.
My understanding is that there is a high rate of suicide and depression among transgender people who aren’t loved and supported by their families. If nothing else, I would prefer my child live as their chosen gender rather than be dead, to put it bluntly.
Very interesting first post.
I love my kids with my whole heart. I will always be their staunchest cheerleader.
Love her, help her, try to understand. I am old enough and this would be new enough to me that I admit it would take me time to figure it out. I am sure I would make mistakes. But I hope my child would tell me and work with me to get it right. I’d tell her that I may slip up and use the old name and pronoun and I may mess up in other ways as well.
Agree. You love your child forever. As a parent, you probably know already the special things about your child that makes him/her who they are. You probably noticed some struggles over the years that your child went through. If they are only in their teens starting to be able to speak about it and share with you, then you do your best to make them feel comfortable with sharing everything with you, and that you will provide as much support as you can.
If they are 18 and still in high school, or if they are away at college, or living at home while in college, it doesn’t matter. You are still going to love them, and promise them that you will do your best to help them. You won’t have all the answers but will help them find them. Acknowlege their struggle and make them feel accepted and loved.
You can warn them that you are concerned - not because of who they are, but because you are old enough to understand that this will not be easy for them - they will face a whole lot of stupid as they go through this process. You don’t want to see them hurt but if they are, you will help them.
You should ask your child if they would prefer to be addressed using feminine pronouns - and ask in advance for their forgiveness as you have years of simple habit to overcome, you will occasionally slip up and call her a him, etc. But promise you will try.
As for wearing a dress, etc, I would suggest that you go shopping with her. Talk about colors, fit for her figure, etc. - even if it seems weird/odd to you, GET OVER IT. Often trying to have a sense of humor about things will help you both through the process.
Your child will need acceptance. This is too important not to give it to them.
Don’t worry about what this means financially - what procedures or treatment or therapy, etc. will cost. Worry instead about being their for your child.
Are you a parent — or are you the kid?
Why are you asking this question?
The advice we would give may be different depending on the audience. For the kid, it might be more on how to try to get the services needed, as well as the love and approval.
For the parent(s), it’s more on how to love the child through all the challenges that said child faces and how to help the child deal with the new additional challenges that transgenders face.
At least that is why I’m assuming the Q was asked. Some of the parents here may have worked through this issue—personally or with loved ones. We are a diverse group.
What if the child insists on buying women’s clothes, jackets, or even shirts or bras? Wouldn’t that be a waste of money? Aren’t they just “labels”? If your child showed up with a women’s jacket, wouldn’t you be disappointed that you invested in them and they spent it on those women clothes?
No I wouldn’t be disappointed. If your child is transgender and is actually a woman, then of course she needs to wear clothing appropriate to her gender.
Even small-breasted women or women who have had mastectomies can and do wear bras. Maybe consider a support group? It’s a lot to take in. Good luck to you and your family.
Clothes branded as for women are fit and styled a lot differently from clothes branded as for men. It makes a difference in how confident you feel when you’re wearing clothes that are more to your taste.
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