What do you do when someone insults your college to your face?

Parents Forum
1

<p>Perhaps I’m irrationally bugged by this, but I could use some input…</p>

<p>I’m an undergrad. I work with a grad student in the same office, and we were talking about her undergrad students in the class she was teaching… She mentioned she had one or two that were “too smart to be at [the university] and should have gone to a better school.” I’m an undergrad here and was a top student in high school (I came here because I received a near-full ride merit scholarship). I’ve also amassed a strong CV and have worked with this person on many projects/manuscripts (usually in pretty much equal roles), and she’s commented a few times on my extremely strong CV/application when I was applying to PhD programs this year. Ironically, the same day, she also asked me to edit her MA thesis!</p>

<p>This is the second time that someone (in the other case, a staff member who thought well enough of me to recommend me to grad school where I was later admitted with a university fellowship) has bashed the quality of the undergraduate school to my face, and it really bugs me. Granted, my school isn’t an Ivy, but it’s a state flagship, and in the process of researching grad schools, I even received a comment from a faculty member at another university about how much he respected some of the work coming out of my university, and we produce a sizable number of Rhodes/Marshall/Goldwater/Udall scholars, so it can’t be bottom of the barrel.</p>

<p>I was extremely prepared for the grad school admissions process, and I credit a lot of that to the excellent opportunities (publications, research, teaching, etc) available at my university. Also, I did extremely well on the Subject GRE for my field, with no prep and not having had a “key” course or two at that time, so my education here couldn’t have been that bad. At interviews, I received no questions about my school from interviewers, except to comment on the location, usually in a complimentary way. </p>

<p>How do I respond when people bash the quality of my undergrad institution to my face? It probably shouldn’t bug me, but it does, especially when it’s done by people who know I’m an undergrad here and (as far as I can tell) think well of me.</p>

2

<p>I think I would pretty much say to them exactly what you just said. “I’m an undergraduate here and I believe I have managed to get a very good undergraduate education.” If you really want to know why they have a low opinion of the school, ask them.</p>

<p>Try not to let it bother you. You are obviously very intelligent and well educated. I’m sure these other people are not trying to be insulting, but snobbery about higher education is so pervasive that they spoke without thinking.</p>

3

<p>It seems that you need to not take it as a personal assault. Take it as an opportunity to educate. Don’t be afraid to present an opposing point of view in a positive way. You may change some perspectives. You have obviously had some great experiences. If you are speaking about going to grad school take the opportunity to tell folks how well prepared you felt or to share the positive feedback you received. If you hear a comment about why some students seem too smart for the school, you can ask why that is. You can take that opportunity to share your experience of receiving a quality education and without the burden of paying for much of it. Beyond that don’t worry about it. Understand that these things are being said out of ignorance and really aren’t important.</p>

4

<p>I’d lookup one of the alums of your college that became famous and say “Well, this college worked well enough for Buzz Aldrin, it will be sufficient for me”.</p>

<p>Honestly, the college doesn’t matter. The individual drive is what matters.</p>

5

<p>Easy. Invite her to join CC. Explain to her it’s a good way to anonymously and vigorously claim superiority over others and without all that attended danger of making such claims face to face.</p>

6

<p>What you are describing is common, and it is just as common in music programs as it is in academic programs, there is this big deal about ‘my school is better then that school’ and so forth. Want to know a dirty little secret? Those who make a big deal about where they went to school, who crow about it being superior to X, are people who generally have little internalized sense of worth and have to cite useless things (kind of like the morons on the show “Jersey Shore” bragging about how many people they have slept with or how big their hair is <em>lol</em>) to try and prove their worth.</p>

<p>Are there differences between schools? Yes, of course, and the ‘top tier’ schools because of their name attract a lot of really bright, accomplished kids…many of whom, I have to say, end up being perfectly average when they graduate and get out into the real world, or worse. It is about what a student makes of it. A competitive program like MIT does help drive kids on in one sense, when you are around kids of that caliber it can help spur some kids on. On the other hand, a motivated person like yourself at a school where there are a range of abilities, can be spurred on by your own motivation and by what the school offers you. An ivy has the brand and attracts bright, talented kids, there is no doubt, but in many cases what they offer academically is not all that different then what ‘lesser ranked’ schools offer, what they offer is the name. </p>

<p>The reality is that going to an Ivy or going to a good solid school without the rep ends up meaning little in the long run, despite what people think. Yeah, there are still some corners of the world, like investment banking firms, that still go on the old snob appeal, but like with college, in the real world what you do is a lot more important then where you went to school. If you come out of a college with awards and fellowships and so forth, that tells a real picture of a person, whereas someone simply coming out with a degree from an ivy doesn’t say much, and when you get that first job or position and are out there working, where you got the degree means less and less. Despite what they claim, a lot of high level executives out there, or other movers and shakers, did not go to Harvard or Yale or Princeton, a number of them went to state schools (last I checked, among the fortune 500 CEO’s, a lot of them didn’t go to ivies). And believe me, as someone who has hired a lot of people over the years for a variety of positions, where you went to college basically means nothing once you have a proven track record.</p>

<p>Probably the best bet is to smile at the person, and say something to the tune like “Well, you may think that, but for me it has turned out to be a marvelous experience, and the only thing I see about (ivies, top level lac’s, take your pick) is that I could come out with a great degree from those places, and end up with enough debt to break a small bank, or come out with a great degree from where I am, and not have to worry about getting a job ripping off investors of their life savings to pay off the debt I earned along with my degree from those other places” <em>smile</em>.</p>

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<p>A couple of years ago, I heard someone say something ignorant to a young woman. She turned to the person and said: “You did not just say that.” It works for many situations. Following the money is VERY smart; I agree with musicprnt</p>

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<p>It might be worth thinking about what makes this bother you so very much.</p>

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<p>ADad–I think I know what bugs the OP. She knows that she has better grades, better scores, loves to learn, and is more curious by nature than many of the kids who choose the “better” schools (whatever the definition of that is), and she had many choices on where to go to school. She made a more practical choice and is making the best of it and enjoying her choice. Not everyone needs or wants the same thing. </p>

<p>As an aside, many of the very brightest students do not want to be in a pressure cooker type environment and do better with a bigger mix of students.</p>

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<p>Oh I have been insulted like this too many times to count. I think with time (or age, or too many insults?). I’ve had my profession slammed by people who know what I do but don’t have a clue what they are talking about; same with the city in which I live; the universities I’ve worked at, where I send my kids to school and the experiences they have there. </p>

<p>It’s completely understandable and natural for you to find it frustrating when someone attacks something you feel attached to (and especially if your identity is part of the place they are insulting). Our normal reaction is one of defensiveness. </p>

<p>I find with age my reaction has moved from one of defensiveness to a response that is a mix of amusement and pity for the speaker. That they feel compelled to be so insensitive. I think to myself, “wow, that’s kinda awkward, isn’t it?” And “It’s kinda sad they are so lacking in basic social skills/awareness or that they are so insecure that they have to say this insult out loud…”. I actually don’t mind their opinions so much anymore (oh lord, there are opinionated yet completely ignorant people everywhere you go!), and I probably can’t change them, but I sure can feel sorry for their deficits. I think those social skill deficits probably negatively impacts them quite often. And that is sad.</p>

<p>And keep in mind, only SOME people’s arguments or opinions are worth taking seriously and engaging in debate with. Imagine if your four year old cousin said he didn’t like your new hair cut. I imagine you might just find it cute, and you’d not feel the need to explain how fashionable it is. Same thing.</p>

11

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<p>It doesn’t bother me “so very much,” just a bit, mostly because of the implicit assumption that “really smart kids” shouldn’t be at my school. Everyone has little things that bug them (my mom can’t stand the word “slather,” for instance :slight_smile: ) It’s not pathology.</p>

12

<p>Agree with starbright. As you say in your post, you’ve received a great education at your school and it has prepared you well for your graduate studies. You know the value of your school. Nothing anyone says will change that.</p>

<p>I would just let it go. One way to keep your sanity as you get older is to pick your battles. This applies to school, to jobs and most of all, to parenting! Also, you may not want to burn any bridges by antagonizing people in a position to give you a recommendation (or not). And even if it doesn’t feel that way, they’re actually giving you a backhanded compliment. And like all backhanded compliments, it just reveals their childishness.</p>

13

<p>“slather”? The only time I’ve ever seen/heard that word is in women’s beauty magazines, in reference to creams. They have their own special ridiculous language. I can relate to your mother.</p>

<p>Sorry to go off topic. I’m easily distracted by words.</p>

14

<p>When that happens, I laugh to myself because I know they’re wrong. I’m very serious. I don’t care about their opinion about my alma mater.</p>

15

<p>Think to yourself that you have the last laugh…you got into the PhD program you wanted and did well for yourself! So there! :D</p>

16

<p>I cross posted with NSM…same thing!</p>

17

<p>Go with the Death by Sugar. </p>

<p>Smile. Cheerful voice: “Wow. I graduated from Happy College.” Smile. Keep silent and smiling and making eye contact. They dug the hole. Let them dig out of it. It’s very amusing.</p>

18

<p>But Northstarmom, didn’t you go to Harvard?</p>

19

<p>While NSM went to Harvard, there are times people put down Harvard too (for different reasons). Sometimes, when one says they attended Harvard, it can elicit all sorts of reactions. (I went to grad school there and say this from experience)</p>

20

<p>Yes, I went to Harvard, but lots of people make fun of it and think the graduates are obnoxious, snobbish, and geniuses. This is why most of my friends in the relatively small public college city where I live don’t know where I went to college. I am heartily sick of people disliking me once they hear where I went to college. I’m also sick of people who assume that I know everything because of where I went to college. I take arts classes at the local community college and have never told my teachers or the other students where I went to college. This way I get to learn instead of having my teachers and peers assume that because I went to Harvard, I know everything, which isn’t true.</p>