We are really at a loss. On one hand, we really appreciate how important it is for kids to learn to be independent and handle their crises on their own. For our daughter, this is especially true: she wants this autonomy and we have seen in the past how positive and helpful its been when she’s been the one to overcome obstacles and prove to herself she can do it.
However… for the past 2 semesters we’ve been more or less letting her try to handle things on her own, and it’s not working.
So the basic question is: when do parents intervene and how much.
If anyone cares to read the specific situation, I’ll try to be concise. Brief history:
- In high school she had trouble with very major depression, self-harm, and ADHD. Got things together senior year, really pumped to be at her college.
-First semester 3.8 GPA. Loves school. Went off the rails a bit with pot smoking and her eating disorder -which was never very severe and had been in remission for a year- started to creep back.
-Second semester freshman year: we insisted she see a therapist at school on a weekly basis, which she did but by the end of the year she and therapist both claimed she was much better. Still, she got a D in a class and was horrified. We discussed how too much partying is not conducive to good grades and she agreed to be more moderate. Unlike high school, though, when we could say “no smoking pot or you’re grounded”, all we could do was discuss it with her like adults and point out the harm she was doing to herself and that she was jeopardizing what she really wanted (to be at college.)
-This semester: ugh. To start with, she has been going longer and longer between texts. Almost NO phone calls. Much less sharing with us of her life. Which of course is all perfectly normal for young adults, but…
She’s also really going full-on into her new lesbian lifestyle. Dyed hair, piercings and tattoos (including home made stick-and-pokes which we feel are very dangerous re: disease.) Hanging out with several kids who are not students (one on academic probation, one on mental health leave, one who just lives in town.) Now, we are VERY liberal and supportive parents. We have absolutely NO issue whatsoever with her sexuality. We do worry about her strong focus is this lifestyle, though, which must take focus away from school, if her grades are any indication.
School: she took a very tough courseload, with two subjects she historically does terribly in, and three science lab courses (ie much more class time.) It’s looking likely that she will fail one class and get a D in the other (last I checked she said she probably had an A and B in the other two.)
Partying: the first month of school she spent $400 (!!!) on drugs and alcohol (and probably her piercing was part of that. It’s her “entertainment” fund.) We confronted her that this was not OK. She said, yeah, I know, I’m going to fix it. But it continued to a lesser degree. Now, she does have a campus job that is supposed to cover her daily expenses, books, laundry, etc, so technically its her own money. However, she borrowed a bunch of money to live on campus this summer and owes us about a grand still, and is supposed to be paying us back out of her paycheck. So I’m more than a little pissed off that she’s spending that money on weed and alcohol rather than paying us back. And from an emotional, mental health standpoint having that debt to us is terrible. She’ll feel much better when that’s gone.
She also told us at Thanksgiving that she’s started seeing a drug-and-alcohol counselor on campus. That is GREAT, at least it’s a step. but a couple of things about that concern us. One is that we wonder if perhaps she is going there because she got in trouble for drugs at school (that’s their “first-offense” consequence) and the other is that we feel she should be seeing someone who is addressing things more holistically: the depression and anxiety and anorexia (if its an issue at all) in addition to the substance abuse.
She also told her Dad before Thanksgiving that she was really stressed by the thought of seeing me, her mom. This was heart-breaking to hear, because I want to be a source of support and strength and love for her, NOT a source of more stress! So heartbreaking. He talked to her about it and thinks it has a lot to do with her feeling bad that she’s doing poorly in school and partying too much and feels ashamed. In any case, its awful and I can tell she doesn’t want to come home for Christmas either. She and I have been very close so I just don’t know what to do… but thats another whole problem I guess.
She also looked thinner than I’ve seen her in years at Thanksgiving. So I worry about anorexia again.
OK. So if she fails, she may get put on academic probation. Or not have enough credits to go on to junior year.
Financially, we are sharing the burden with her. She has a 10-hr-week campus job and takes the max federal subsidized loans ($4000 or $5000 this year I think?) and contributes about $3,000 of her summer savings. We pay the rest, this year it’s probably about $9,000 and next year will be $15,000 - and this is very difficult for us. We have no retirement fund or assets.
Thoughts?