There has been a lot going on in recent years around safety for women as it relates to non-consensual sex, and the climate is finally evolving into one in which only yes means yes. Hallelujah! As a mother of a boy, however, I also worry about the what happens if there is a “he said, she said” incident. I was young once (a long time ago!), and recall how easily a party in a darkened room with great music, fun dancing, and a couple of beers and flirting evolved into (consensual) sex a little later in the evening and then regret the next morning. If a girl regrets her hook-up enough, she can accuse the boy of forcing himself on her. And if that happens, how is the boy protected? I’m wondering what advice people are giving their boys – short of telling them to get signed contracts – to ensure that yes not only means yes in the moment, but after the moment has passed.
I would tell my son the same thing I would tell my daughter. You shouldn’t be having drunken sex at a party with a person you don’t know.
“If a girl regrets her hook-up enough, she can accuse the boy of forcing himself on her.”
That’s the most common set of genders, but I’ve dealt with cases where the genders are reversed as well as same-sex cases (lesbian and gay), and last week a lawyer and I discussed a case involving a mixed-gender three-way.
“You shouldn’t be having drunken sex at a party with a person you don’t know.”
This advice is certainly a best practice. But about half the 16 Title IX cases on my desk today involved long-term relationships (by college standards) and accusations that followed an ugly breakup.
It is just as frightening to be the parent of a boy. There was a case locally where two friends went to a party together. In her account, they both got really drunk. She remembers walking back to his apartment with him and vaguely remembered having sex, and woke up in the morning “knowing she didn’t consent”. But she was too drunk to remember any details. He was suspended, even though he was also too drunk to remember much of the evening. So, apparently, a girl can get as wasted as she likes, not really knowing what she said or did, but the boy is supposed to be clear-minded enough to realize that she is drunk and that even if she says yes, she is too drunk to consent. Even if he is also drunk. Obviously,the best advice is to never have drunken sex. Regret should not = rape. But with the very real problem of actual date-rape, they are more likely to side with the girl out of an abundance of caution in these “he said, she said” instances.
“never have drunken sex”
Make clear to your kids that you don’t have to have intercourse to be accused of sexual assault. Many of my cases involve oral sex, digital penetration, or no penetration at all.
I have 3 boys. I’ve told all of them that “no means no.” I trust all of them in terms of common sense and judgement. Two of them are light drinkers and one of them might drink moderately on occasion. No, I am not naive. I know my kids well. The oldest is now married, so that probably helps in his case.
Also, any answer other than a clear “yes” should mean “no”, and either person being under the influence of drugs including alcohol should mean “no”.
The chances of a guy getting static in this way are extremely low. But it does happen.
Not the advice I give, but I have heard others counsel that some frisky sexting before hand (while not perfect) does create a decent record that the gal was at some point conscious and willing.
Kids today basically live through their phones, so that kind of foreplay probably wouldn’t be all that unusual. Ah young love…
My son is a sophomore in college. His school has been dealing with this issue due to several complaints and cases falling in the sexual assault/Title lX arena. As a freshman and a football player (Ivy League) he had to sit through at least 10 hours of “training” on Active Consent. It scared him to death for the reasons cited above. The school policy states that you cannot even give consent under the influence of any drugs or alcohol. So you meet someone at a party. They each have had a beer. You hit it off, asking all along at each step of the “mating” process “can I kiss” you…yadayadayada. They have what appears to be consensual sex. Then she sees him talking to another girl a few days later. She gets mad and claims that she had had a drink and could not have given consent. His future is over. Or vice versa. He claims that maybe the answer is to wear a gopro to protect himself. At any rate, its a scary time right now and having an 18 year old daughter, I want them both to understand all of these issues. On a side note, I just watched The Hunting Grounds. Made my daughter watch too. I recommend it. Just keep talking openly to your kids.
Of course, all students should realize that there are also sexual predators around, despite the frequency of unclear consent situations that provide a smokescreen for the activities of the actual sexual predators.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/05/14/consent-tea_n_7282978.html
This is my favorite video that explains consent. I think everyone should watch this. It’s sooo simple!!
Look up the Emma Sulkowicz case to see how a fake rape can destroy a boys life. Or how rollingstone published a fictional story about a uva frat house rape.
Basically, the only way to fully protect oneself is to get video proof of said consent or a written statement/document. Like a non-disclosure agreement.
http://www.angryharry.com/Signing-The-Sex-Consent-Document.htm
@HiToWaMom, following those rules does not necessarily protect a student from an allegation.
Here’s a new article about poorly supported accusations and how they affect students. One of the students quoted is my client.
http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/01/28/sexual-assault-the-accused-speak-out.html
Make him do this. This shows consent if both parties take a selfie. No one can say in court that they were forced into something if they have evidence of the accuser holding a sign and smiling during it.
Edit: while I realize that this is not a contract that can withstand in court, there are more lengthy ones. But this is an extra piece that may offer the needed protection of character as there is evidence of the standing thoughts on consent just before the act.
With all the threads about women’s safety it must seem like no one is thinking about the boys. But if you have a son you worry about him just as much - the climate on college campuses today is nothing to play around with.
I tell my son pretty much what we were all taught growing up - seek out meaningful romantic relationships, they will be more fulfilling than casual sex. And of course much safer. As his mother I have also told him if he does go down the road of casual sex, contact the girl the next morning even if it is just an emoticon. And if she is totally on board with just casual sex, remember that you might not be her only partner, so use protection.
On the issue of alcohol and sex, make sure your son knows the legal landscape. So if chooses to go down that road he is well aware of the risks he is taking. I tell my own son these are not small risks - they can derail and ruin your life. Just don’t do it unless you are in a committed relationship and know her very well.
The drinking issue cannot be overlooked. Many of these instances involves excessive drinking.
I have had similar conversations with both my D and my S. Keep your wits about you and/or have a group of friends where you take turns being the sober one. Someone needs to tell you: Stop, that’s not a good idea, don’t go upstairs.
It concerns me greatly that anyone’s life as been ruined by accusations that involved neither party being sober. Whether it be a boy or a girl, gay or straight, 2, 3 or 4 people. And, because this has happened, those who truly have been violated are often not believed.
The partying and sex culture on college campuses (and high school for that matter) is scary.
Be truthful and upfront with your kids. They can’t go off to school wided eyed and willing to try anything because they’ve been too sheltered.
In addition to all of the usual topics, I’ve also spoken with my son about how it can be difficult to judge how intoxicated another person is. Pre-Title IX, I spent several years hearing and investigating these cases; it was not at all uncommon to have the complainant’s friends end up testifying that they did not notice that their friend was particularly impaired. It’s not always an issue of a vengeful ex or someone who “changed their mind,” it can be a sincerely traumatized victim who was likely in a partial blackout and a sincerely traumatized accused (as in, horrified that their partner was impaired, not just upset at being accused). Those are the situations I talk to my son about – no one is lying, no one has bad motives, just a terrible, terrible situation.
I’m not entirely comfortable with the move away from having formal hearings – yes, it’s good not to re-traumatize a victim; however, in the situations I just referenced, it was always helpful for the complainant to really hear all the testimony and understand that no one thought they were lying, but that the accused could not be held responsible when no one could say he/she should have known that the complainant was impaired. Very glad that I no longer do that kind of work.
Outsiders trying to assess or judge the situation (university administrators, police, judges, jurors) may have nothing to go on besides one person’s word against the other person’s word (in a drunken party environment, any possible witnesses may have been too drunk to notice, or too drunk for their testimony to be reliable or detailed enough). So would it be surprising if they often get it wrong (find a guilty person innocent or find an innocent person guilty)?
Is it too late to send my son to a monastery in Tibet? Do they take the ACT or SAT? How about credit for AP test?
^^I know, seriously.