<p>D and bf have been together for almost a year and are now both off to college. It just seemed awkward when sending her bf an email or card, from me, to sign it Mrs. rather than my just my first name; however, in person, Mrs. seems fine. We’re a bit in limbo at this point, but I’m leaning toward just going with first name.</p>
<p>I don’t think when a young person calls me by my first name that implies we are on equal footing or are “peers.” I still expect respect from a young person the age of my own children (who are in college now). As I wrote before, if someone is meeting me for the first time, sure, I expect they will use “Mrs. X” but I would invite my kids’ friends to call me Susan. And they usually do. Obviously others here do not feel that way. As I wrote, my D’s have worked with so many adults in their lives both in the classroom and in endeavors/activities outside the classroom and most of these adults are also on a first name basis. I’m pretty sure one of my kids is on a first name basis with every teacher and director she works with in NYC and at college. I just returned from seeing her in a professional job and performance in which she was collaborating on the project with the composer/writer who is well known. That person is a mentor and idol to my D but that person is my age approximately. My D has been over her apartment many times and says they have become friends and she surely calls her by her first name. But she is NOT her peer and she definitely respects and looks up to this person in awe. Still, it’s entirely on a first name basis. She has also had this person as a teacher. Just an example. They are not equals by a long shot.</p>
<p>My friend’s parents were always Mr. and Mrs. XXX. I’m over 50 now and I STILL call them Mr. and MRs. XXX. Hard to get the tongue to form their first names…in some circumstances, you always feel like a kid…</p>
<p>My kids address the neighbors as COL and Mrs X, or General Y etc. My H is also referred to by rank and I am Mrs.</p>
<p>This thread brings up one of my pet peeves: doctors who introduce themselves with “Hello, Susie, I’m Dr. Jones.” And most do.</p>
<p>^When my H worked as a doc, he was scrupulous about addressing patients’ parents as MsMr. (was a pediatrician, so did call patients by their first name.)</p>
<p>Always avoided using Dr. Lastname in social circumstances for himself. Ironically, as a teacher, he has become Doc Lastname because the admins, other teachers, and students get a kick out of having an MD teacher.</p>
<p>Fendergirl brings up the point that worries me (post #34). </p>
<p>I don’t want my kids’ girlfriends and boyfriends to feel awkward! (Their other friends all address us as Mr and Mrs and that’s fine.) They seem to feel comfortable with Mr. and Mrs., so I’ve sort of kept going with that. But I email one of them and it really feels weird when I sign them.</p>
<p>Susan, I agree with you. I, and my Ds, have friends of all ages. We have taught our Ds to behave respectfully to everyone, not just to individuals who are older than they are. How one addresses another is not the sole indicator of respect. Do all adults become “peers” at a particular age? What age is that? Is everyone over 25 a peer? What about my very dear friend who is in her 80’s, should I be addressing her as Mrs. Lastname? It all becomes pretty silly.</p>
<p>weenie, why not sign using your first name? I received cards from people who I had called Mr. and Mrs. and they still signed them with either their first and last name, or just using their first name. I continued calling them Mr. and Mrs. X. I also get emails from people who just sign using initials, or even just the initial to their first name, ie: “J”, or “JS”.</p>
<p>Interesting article on the subject:
Proper Names
In Teaching Old-Fashioned Manners, Parents Buck a Trend Toward Informality
<a href=“http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/11/26/AR2006112600996.html[/url]”>http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/11/26/AR2006112600996.html</a></p>
<p>My college grad daughter does call all her colleagues at the consulting firm where she is employed by their first names, even though she was the youngest at the firm when she was hired. It is the nature of her particular corporate culture. The same was true at her college campus. </p>
<p>However, I truly believe that if my high school senior son EVER called his GF’s dad by his first name he would be promptly escorted to the door and never allowed to date the D again. (And they have been going out for over a year and my son often has dinner with the parents.) It would be considered presumptuous. I am not saying that is the only right way, just that there is a clear expectation. Naturally, IF GF’s dad ever suggested, “Please call me Bob,” it would be fine – but that ain’t gonna happen anytime soon (very old school). </p>
<p>I suspect this whole issue is very culture and field of work and location dependent. It does not necessarily tie into respect. I respect lots of people whom I call by their first names! 
But IMO it is similar to how in some languages it is inappropriate to use the familiar form right away. (I think the French call it “tu tuing.”) It is never wrong to be more careful as the loosening up can always happen later. IF my son’s GF’s dad ever should say to my son, “Please call me Bob,” it will practically be seen as a special level of acceptance/approval and will really mean something to him.
But that might NEVER happen LOL.</p>
<p>I think it depends on their background what they are comfortable with.
Most people call me by what I ask to be called & with most I prefer to be called by my first name, but for instance older D had a friend, who just couldn’t remember that, & called me " Mrs… and that actually was * uncomfortable*.</p>
<p>Younger D also has a few friends who are from more formal cultures who have a difficult time as well.</p>
<p>Of course you didn’t ask what I call my inlaws * mumble mumble*</p>
<p>from <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/newreply.php?do=postreply&t=399348[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/newreply.php?do=postreply&t=399348</a></p>
<p>*"Tu is the familiar you. It demonstrates a certain closeness and informality. Use tu when speaking to a</p>
<p>friend
peer / colleague
relative
child
pet</p>
<p>Vous is the formal and plural you. It is used to show respect or maintain a certain distance / formality with any person. In addition, vous is always used when you are talking to more than one person (or thing). Use vous when speaking to</p>
<p>someone you don’t know well
an older person
an authority figure
anyone to whom you wish to show respect
two or more people, animals, etc. </p>
<p>Some people follow the guideline of using whatever the other person uses with them. This can be misleading: someone in authority may use tu with you, but that certainly doesn’t mean that you can respond in kind. When in doubt, I tend to use vous. I’d rather show someone too much respect than not enough! "*</p>
<p>Also see May 23, 2007
Don’t be too familiar, French told
<a href=“http://timescorrespondents.typepad.com/charles_bremner/2007/05/here_is_one_of_.html[/url]”>http://timescorrespondents.typepad.com/charles_bremner/2007/05/here_is_one_of_.html</a></p>
<p>
If I had an email signed with a first name, I would assume that’s what I am supposed to call that person. If they sign with the full name, then it depends on the particular person and situation. Initials clear nothing up whatsoever. This is what I have learned through experience, and other people (including my parents) have confirmed that they see a fist name email sign-off as a casual invitation to call the person by their first name.</p>
<p>It’s funny: I don’t think I’ve ever devoted more than a minute’s time to thinking about this issue since I was a kid.</p>
<p>Most of my children’s old friends went to a Quaker school where all authority figures, up through the Head of School, went by their first names, so it was natural for them to call adults by their first names, and that’s what they do with me. I have never minded that. The same is true for the children of our close friends, and even those who go to other schools follow suit with the older kids. However, for part or all of high school my children went to a public school where it wasn’t clear that teachers had first names other than “Mr.” “Ms.” or “Dr.”, and they tend to call me “Mr. Mylastname”, and I don’t insist on anything else. Except that a couple of their closest public school friends, who have spent a fair amount of time with us and come from a similar socio-economic background, do call me and my wife by our first names. Kids on the block, who go to more formal schools, naturally use “Mr.” and “Mrs.”</p>
<p>The issue gets complicated with my wife, since she doesn’t use the same last name as the children or I. She hates being called “Mrs. Mylastname”. She wouldn’t mind “Ms. Herlastname” so much, but lots of the kids’ friends don’t necessarily know her last name. (I, on the other hand, am “Mr. Herlastname” to most of the tradespeople with whom we deal, and I have given up correcting them.) The kids’ friends tend to have much less contact with her than with me, however, because she isn’t around as much and is a good deal scarier than I am.</p>
<p>I always introduce myself as Firstname Lastname, even to kids.</p>
<p>I went to one of those traditional, formal schools, so I called all adults “Mr.” and “Mrs.” I never went beyond that with my high school girlfriend’s parents, and I had very little contact with my wife’s parents before we were married (after which I called them by their first names). No intervening relationship lasted long enough for me to meet anyone’s parents as an official boyfriend.</p>
<p>Yes, initials are evasive, and this could be done intentionally. Frankly, I have always found it odd, if someone one knows personally signs a card, or email “Ms. Jones”. My kids have gotten Christmas cards and thank you notes from teachers in elementary school, and most of them have been signed “Jane Doe”, although on occasion a teacher has signed “Mrs. Doe” (the latter I have found to be more rare). They knew not to start calling their teacher by their first names after receiving a card signed with a first and last name.</p>
<p>I just have been more clear. I was talking about when something is signed with only the first name. In those cases, I see it as an invitation to use their first name in the majority of cases. If the sign-off is the first and last name, then it depends on the previous relationship.</p>
<p>JHS, I’m in the same boat as your wife. And on top of that I have an unusual foreign first name. Which means most of my kids’s friends have no clue what to call me! </p>
<p>But we live in the west - and virtually everyone here calls virtually everyone else by their first names. Once my children’s friends master my first name, they stick to that, and I’m just fine with that. </p>
<p>But corranged brings up a good point. If he were a coworker, he’d likely call us by our first name… so why would we want him to call us MrLastName if he were dating our daughter?</p>
<p>To me the moral of this is that you should call people what they prefer to be called, and you should assume more formal until advised otherwise. If you call somebody Mr. Lastname, and he doesn’t say, “Call me Bill,” it probably means he prefers to be called Mr. Lastname. If you start out calling him Bill, and he doesn’t say anything, he may be annoyed, but prefers not to make an issue of it. (Personally, I prefer my kids’ friends to call me “Mr. Lastname,” but there are a few who call me by my first name–and I don’t like it, although I haven’t objected. Also, if a salesperson or charity collector I don’t know calls me up and starts by addressing my by my first name–no sale.)</p>
<p>I call my boyfriend’s parents/all of my friends’ parents by their first names. I think most of them would be very perplexed and perhaps put off if I started calling them Mr. and Mrs. Smith.</p>
<p>I have also never heard anyone (except telemarketers) refer to my parents as Mr. and Mrs. Jones, but I think they’d find it amusing and tease the person about it afterwards. </p>
<p>I often ask my friends how I should address their parents, and they act like it’s the oddest question ever. They’re always just John and Jane. I’ll want my kids’ friends to refer to me by my first name, as well (but my kids can call me momma).</p>
<p>I call our kids’ ballet teacher, who is a personal friend now, Miss Firstname when they are in class, and Firstname outside of school. I call all of my kids’ teachers by Mr, Miss or Mrs Lastname. They also call me Mrs. <em>__. The GC, who is good 15 yrs younger than me, I still called her Miss </em>.</p>
<p>To me, how you refer to each other is a formality. I do not treat my kids’ friends like friends, therefore I do not want to them to call me by my first name. Likewise, my kids wouldn’t be friends with my friends, therefore they would always address them as Mr & Mrs.</p>