<p>3bm103 - I’m glad that your approach has worked for your family. My mother has been single since I was 15. I have had POA & AD since I was 30 (prior to that it was her twin). I have needed the POA on more than one occasion.</p>
<p>Re: medical authority or docs/hospitals sharing med info: this has been studied by the big U’s or instutions, with respect to ethics, and some areas do leave some decisions to individual docs, despite regulations. However, no one should assume that, in a crisis, this will be the case. Plan for “worst case.”</p>
<p>good kids getting good grades probably don’t NEED constant checking
I also work with college and grad students- most can make decisions, hold conversations with U folks and navigate situations on their own. The talk has turned to “blindsided” and, really, there are plenty of reasons why a parent might ask a student about academic progress or social life. I don’t see it as hovering or neurosis. Grades are a measure of more than emotional state. The college years are a transition to young adulthood and nothing about the hs diploma says kids understand “best choices” or are ready to take on full and complete responsibility for the rest of their lives. A “good” parent, by my definition, continues to care, offer advice- and comfortably stands back, incrementally.</p>
<p>* BUT I’ve always thought college was a time to let go as much as possible and force kids to be totally transparent through say, grades or email passwords ONLY IF we think our kids are straying, not IN CASE they do. If by the time they hit college-at an adult age that gives them the power to so anything they want to in their own names (except drink, a whole other topic), I feel that we should trust them to make sensible decisions.*</p>
<p>See, that’s my point: not all parents believe throwing them into the pool is the right way to teach them to swim. Not all say, after you graduate, you’ll be responsible for yourself, so let’s start that with freshman orientation. I personally feel that, “you’re on your own, kiddo,” is harsh. It ignores the fact that many of the decisions kids make are as novices. </p>
<p>It’s not about who can read signs a kid is struggling. It’s about helping them transition. It’s also about- as I think oldfort is saying, between the lines- a period of transition for the parent-child relationship. The goal isn’t to toss them out of the den entirely, but to move from dependent to pleasantly interdependent.</p>
<p>lookingforward - thank-you for reading between the lines.</p>
<p>“A “good” parent, by my definition, continues to care, offer advice- and comfortably stands back, incrementally.” Yes, absolutely. That’s why I don’t the necessity of demanding passwords and grade checking whether it’s indicated or not.</p>
<p>“See, that’s my point: not all parents believe throwing them into the pool is the right way to teach them to swim.” Again, absolutely. That’s why as they grow up you loosen the strings little by little. That’s why as little kids you sit with them as they do homework, then work your way up to merely asking if it’s done by the time they’re somewhere in HS. It varies by kid, of course. That’s why you teach them to cook, do laundry, sew a button, at least know how to call AAA for a car breakdown or even fix a flat. You at first drop them off and pick them up for playdates, then they get to take the bus to a friend’s. You go with them to say, the mall, then you simply arrange for a pick up time. You check grades and go over problem areas as they come up. Eventually, you know they’ll come to you when something comes up.</p>
<p>We’re saying the same thing-letting kids learn to manage their own lives, but by the time they’re 18, I want my place to be a back-up, not the commander-in-chief. I’ve never said I throw them to the wolves. I just expect that by that age, they have the experience to know when to call for help. And of course, I watch for signs of trouble.</p>
<p>Most of us grew up without the ability of our parents to monitor us 24/7. I think that was a good thing. Even giving my older kids plenty of autonomy, they simply haven’t had the necessity to separate as easily as my generation did. I think it’s been a negative thing. There are so many posts in the “College Life” section from kids who are just miserable away from home or don’t even know what to do on their own. I don’t remember anyone like that in my dorms.</p>
<p>I’m old school. Push 'em out of the nest; throw them in the pool; whatever metaphor you choose. By 18? you need to know how you’ve done, as a parent - not keep parenting into their 20’s.</p>
<p>Live and learn, as the saying goes. We’ve always been here as a safety net, and with plenty of opinions and advice, when asked. It’s worked well for us.</p>
<p>And as an aside - In my or my families entire re-callable history, a POA has never been necessary or discussed.</p>
<p>Whether you agree with throwing kids in the deep end, or whatever, it is bad practice to ask for someone’s password to access supposedly secure information. I don’t want my kid to think that’s standard; you could be disciplined in certain work environments for doing that. Keeping your login and password to yourself is IT security 101, and anyone in health care knows how big a deal this is. Why would you want to encourage your kid to engage in a practice that is so antithetical to good business policy? Nice way to “launch” them! There are ways for kids to arrange for parent access to records. If you and your kids agree this makes sense, why not go through the channels?</p>
<p>I’m a big believer in keeping a closer eye during the first semester because even the most well-adjusted people can have trouble in times of transition. Heck, I’m old as dirt and major transitions unsettle me. My thought is that after the first semester or year if things are going well, it seems natural to step back a bit.</p>
<p>We keep an eye on our kids early in the college years because we know they are too proud to say, “hey, I’m failing and I need help”, not always a good quality to have but also something they have never experienced in life and may not be sure how to deal with doing poorly in a class. We are by far the least helicopetery parents we know, but we also know our kids and aren’t willing to let them make a $200,000+ mistake that is coming out of our pocket book :D.</p>
<p>200k!? would be a 4+ year compounding mistake ;)</p>
<p>^^ I agree. But each child learns that independence on their own schedule. And we each have different levels of tolerance for monitoring the use of our money. No, it is not an “investment” in the traditional sense, but paying tuition is making an investment in our kids. If my child has a scholarship paying half her tuition, and has to maintain a certain GPA to keep that scholarship, then the money I paid this semester isn’t the only thing at stake - the amount I will be asked to contribute in future semesters may also be at stake. I wouldn’t want to micromanage, but if I can monitor progress, looking from the outside I may notice something she might not. It’s not about managing, but about monitoring and helping them learn how to manage. Not all of them are ready to manage on their own, but that shouldn’t preclude them from going to college.</p>
<p>We’re also not helicopter, not by a long shot.
My concern isn’t so much the dollars- because that’s a commitent we made and always expected to (no, not wealthy.) Our concern is that they develop and polish the life skills they wil need- things not learned under our roof, by age 18. I guess that’s really ths same goal- make the years worth it. </p>
<p>It’s too easy to paint all this in the extreme- no one said they check daily or fuss that every “i” is dotted. No one said they expect perfection.</p>
<p>On POA we have needed it many times in the last 9 months for MIL and FIL.</p>
<p>My kids didn’t reach developmental milestones by the book. They didn’t roll over, ride a bike or reach 40 lbs when they were " supposed " to. Some things they did earlier, some later.
We are individuals and we can’t dictate what is right for someone else if it is legal & healthy.
Good reminder about POA.</p>
<p>Most (all that I could find) State laws provide “next of kin” the right to make medical decisions in the event of incapacitation.</p>
<p>“Next of Kin” are typically identified in the following order; a spouse, an adult child, a parent, a brother or sister, more remote relatives.</p>
<p>"If your next-of-kin knows and respects your wishes and if he or she will be available to consult with your health care providers, then you do not need a Medical Power-of-Attorney."</p>
<p>“Our concern is that they develop and polish the life skills they wil need- things not learned under our roof, by age 18.”</p>
<p>But, shouldn’t they have learned how to study, how to get decent grades, by the time they leave home? I don’t know where all they went to HS, but if there weren’t plenty of distractions there maybe these HS’s should be cloned. Every high school I’ve been aware of from my own to those of all of my kids and nieces and nephews have distractions like parties. They all have kids who skip classes and invite others along. A lot of kids have jobs. A lot of kids deal with depression, etc. A lot of them have to keep things up around the house-chores, etc. I don’t know any kids who do nothing but study. So-once in college, shouldn’t the ones who have shown themselves to handle these things be allowed to make their own way as much as possible? </p>
<p>I agree if a kid has shown a history of making poor decisions, or has needed extra help to get their school work done, or has a mental health issue, they should be monitored. But In my experience, it’s the good students whose families allowed them some autonomy CONTINUE to be good students. I simply don’t see the need to oversee them as closely as has been suggested here.</p>
<p>Sseamom: Some students will have learned by the time they get to college and some will not have learned. There is no “should” here. People grow up on their own schedules and parents who know their children act accordingly. Bottom line is that there are ways for parents to get information about grades if they want it (by substantiating that a child is a dependent or by having the child grant access). Some people think this is necessary and some people don’t. Does every family need to do this the same way? If my child and I do things differently than another family does, does that make one perspective “wrong”?</p>
<p>^no^</p>
<p>Rather, its the assertion (like the POA) that; I needed one therefore everybody should have one, or; I’ve never needed one, so no one else should ever need one…</p>
<p>There is “law” and this thing called “the internet” that helps all of us research minimum requirements for certain things (and refute or support some broad positions, like on the POA). But there is no such “law” or “tool” for applying parental involvement or the pace/rate of child development.</p>
<p>^^^
Totally agree, giterdone.</p>
<p>
Yes and no. High school and college courses are taught differently and grading is also done differently. In high school students are more spoon fed with information. In college students need to be better prepared and independent.</p>
<p>In high school, there are many small quizzes, homework, and often they count for over 50% of the grade. In college, most courses have only 2-3 exams and few papers. Students are expected to do homework, but they don’t always count toward a grade. If a student tanks on an exam, it is a lot more difficult to dig oneself out of that. In high school, tests tend to be what’s taught in the class. In college, students are expected to extend what’s taught in a classroom. Some kids have easier time of making that transition than others. It is hard to know how well your’ll kid will do until he/she is there.</p>
<p>Kids who have gone to a smaller private school tend to feel more comfortable in seeking for help when needed. D1 used to tell me that often she would be the only one at her professor’s office hours. Some kids are taught time management very early on. They learn what to work on in order to get maximum return. A lot of public schools do not have the funding for a lot of those extra enrichments. Yes, some students are disadvantaged because of their high school education (or lack of it). Some students may get discouraged and some may find ways to over come it.</p>
<p>“In college, most courses have only 2-3 exams and few papers. Students are expected to do homework, but they don’t always count toward the grade. If a student tanks on an exam, it is a lot more difficult to dig oneself out of that.”</p>
<p>Yes, of course. But then, that goes back to my original point. If grades are so few and far between, how does insisting on seeing those few grades help ward off failure, if you say right here that once the bad grade comes in, it’s too late? That’s what I’ve been saying all along! We’re saying the same thing, only disagree on seeing the grades by command, I think.</p>
<p>I don’t like blanket praise or condemnations of private/public schools. I know kids from good, small, private schools too unsure of themselves to ask for help and low-income kids from “bad” public schools who have gone on to be highly successful. It depends on the kid-as with all things.</p>
<p>I think I’m going to leave it at this-we all want our kids to be successful in school but we have different ways of getting them there. My D last year struggled with a writing class and she told me so. I didn’t need to go online and view her grades-I knew she was struggling and tried to help. Some of my advice she too, some she didn’t. Her final grade reflected her efforts (both good and bad). Short of writing the paper, I couldn’t have done more for her. I wasn’t there to read over every line, and it wasn’t my place to do so. I’m not sure what insisting I see an offical transcript would have done other than what I DID do. </p>
<p>Are you saying you insist on seeing even the quiz and small project grades? Even there I wouldn’t have been able to do more since I KNEW her grade and knew where she needed improvement. BTW-she’s no perfect student. In fact, what brought me to CC was her struggle to figure out where to transfer, how to pay for it (long story) and what she wants to do in life. But she knew enough to talk to me about her classes, and I think that’s all any of us want.</p>