<p>Hi Folks,</p>
<p>My DS, a teetotaler complains that too many kids on his campus are out drinking on Friday nights. While all his friends are out drinking, he is cooped up in his dorm either watching TV, doing his laundry (says it’s empty Friday nights), or finishing up homework assignments and projects.</p>
<p>I am glad he doesn’t drink but at the same time somewhat concerned that he may feel down on Friday nights being pretty much alone.</p>
<p>Any advice?</p>
<p>Surely there must be SOME kids who don’t drink. Or there is a terrible miss-fit between your child and the prevailing culture (always something to check before signing on the dotted line.)</p>
<p>Can your son go out with the gang to be social and just drink Perrier with a twist, or a soda? Besides drinking, there may also be dancing going on–is your son OK with that?</p>
<p>It only takes one other kid to have a good time. Sophomore son goes to open gym, works out, sponsered movies on campus, lots of smash brothers, movies in the room, ping pong (normal old everyday ping pong without the darn cups on the table :))in the dorm. Does go to parties but leaves when everyone starts getting stupid. The non partiers eventually find each other.
I think it’s hardest on freshman as they have not gotten to know enough kids yet and many freshman go a bit nuts with the drinking. If he is in his room does he leave the door open? Send him cookies…that’s enough to get other kids coming by.
Was a bit concerned about son last year but it all worked out. Don’t worry too much.</p>
<p>Freshman son has not had a bit of a problem with being a non-drinker and is very social with lots of friends. Contrary to popular belief, there are many non-drinkers out there! They find each other!</p>
<p>My D has spent a few evenings here and there alone. However, she has made a number of friends who don’t drink, and belongs to several religious groups who often meet on Fridays. Her school also schedules regular activities on Friday nights - movie nights, swing dancing lessons, special concerts, etc. Last night she went to a formal (without a date) sponsored by one club she belongs to, after she attended a cello recital of another friend. And she had to skip the carol night she had planned to attend, once she decided to attend the formal. She has a friend who shares her love of Star Wars, so she sometimes watches movies with him. And sometimes, she turns down activities because she has too much homework.</p>
<p>I was worried because Miami U of Ohio does have a drinking problem, but the school is big enough that there are plenty of other non-drinkers. And she purposely opted for the Honors dorm because she’d heard that it had a lower drinking (and promiscuity) rate than other dorms, according to the school.</p>
<p>I just re-read my post. I did NOT mean to imply that your son might not “approve” of dancing because he doesn’t drink! Just wondered if he liked to dance, he could still have fun with these friends. And he might discover that some of them aren’t all that comfortable with drinking either.</p>
<p>My daughter is a nondrinking freshman on a campus where drinkers are in the majority.</p>
<p>Yesterday was the last day of classes. I was curious to see whether the university would have any special events in recognition of this, so I looked at the campus events calendar online. It turned out that they didn’t have a special event, but the calendar showed that a movie that my daughter missed seeing last summer was being screened on campus last night.</p>
<p>I asked my daughter whether she was going to that movie. She said no; she and a friend were going to another campus event, an a cappella concert, instead.</p>
<p>Every weekend is pretty much like this. There is always a choice of things to do on campus that don’t involve drinking. </p>
<p>My daughter also spends time simply hanging out with friends in their dorm rooms or lounges, watching DVDs or TV with friends (there are groups that get together on particular nights to watch certain “cult” shows), or going off-campus to the local mall or movie multiplex. </p>
<p>The secret is that you must find others like yourself. My daughter had a head start. She has a close friend from high school who is also a nondrinker and is on the same campus. (They didn’t plan it this way; it just sort of happened.) They have found others who share their habits. Neither of them has ever been to a fraternity party – which is where the drinkers go on weekend nights. Why would they want to? They have other things to do – and they have plenty to choose from.</p>
<p>If your son is bored, perhaps next semester he might consider joining more extracurricular activities. They provide an additional way to meet people and additional things to do. My daughter has a time-consuming extracurricular activity that she likes very much, and I think that has also helped her to not be bored or lonely despite her disinterest in the drinking/partying scene.</p>
<p>My S found a club that meets on Friday & Saturday nights. They watch movies. I second the suggestion of finding extracurricular activities.</p>
<p>It is really critical that students ferret this out when they are looking at colleges. DD stayed over night on campus and found that although there was a lot of drinking, she quite easily found a whole group of people who had a “discovery channel” party for one of the special series. People came and went, drinkers and non-drinkers mixed, no pressure. </p>
<p>Although I was initially hesitant about a wet campus, I think that it actually fosters more opportunities than pushing all the drinkers off campus or in hiding. Campus sponsored events are “wet” and there are procedures for identifying those old enough to drink. There are plenty of non-alcoholic drinks along with the beer. She has even been a server and security person at campus parties earning “service points”. Do a lot of kids drink to excess? yes, but there are ways for non-drinker to particpate in the fun and for managing and learning also.</p>
<p>I think binx made an important point about religious groups.</p>
<p>If your kid is even vaguely religious, joining religious organizations on campus might be a very good idea. They provide things to do and people to do them with – which is what it’s all about. Also, there are likely to be quite a few other nondrinkers among their members.</p>
<p>Nevertheless, my daughter, who is a diehard atheist, is doing fine.</p>
<p>Whether it is a good or a bad thing to attend alcohol-soaked parties if you are a nondrinker is a difficult question to answer. Would it make your son feel more or less out of place? </p>
<p>My daughter does not go to those parties because she does not see the point. But my son, who could not drink during his first three years of college due to a medical problem, did attend events where alcohol was served. He says that he sometimes felt left out at those events. In my opinion, he seemed to enjoy himself more in situations where alcohol was present but was not the focus of the event (i.e., a group of guys getting together to watch a sports event on TV, with some people drinking beer during the game) than in situations where getting drunk WAS the entertainment (i.e., many parties).</p>
<p>My daughter is a non-drinker and has found tons of non-drinking activities at her school. However, she also joined a sorority. No alchohol is allowed in the house, and they don’t serve alchohol at their parties. She does attend the occasional frat dance or party, and has no problem fitting in even though she doesn’t drink. At parent’s weekend, we actually met a “dry” pledge for one of the fraternities. Apparently, if you declare yourself a “dry” pledge you aren’t even offered beer or alchohol during pledging or at any event. They seem to like to have at least one “dry” pledge per pledge class, just in case the others get carried away. (Kind of like a designated driver I guess, but there is no driving involved…) </p>
<p>My point is if you don’t have a problem with others drinking, you usually can just join in their activities.</p>
<p>Wow, when I saw the username “UCDAlum82” I thought my dad had joined without telling me (He knows I’m on CC and he graduated UC Davis, class of '82 - go Aggies!) </p>
<p>But anyway, like Marian said, if he does have a religious affiliation, then he should seek out their religious organization because usually they do have things planned for weekends, and if not, then at least he can hang out with those people, if he knows they don’t drink. He could also go to the parties as a designated driver, but it might not be as fun for him. Though you never know if you don’t try (I mean going to a party and not drinking, not drinking). And if he’s content staying in his room, then that’s fine too - the point I’m trying to make is that he can try to find others that share his beliefs, be it someone from a neighboring dorm or someone from some club he’s in that he could do stuff with on weekends. Whatever the outcome, he has to want to go out and make the efforts, all you can do is suggest things to do.</p>
<p>Luckily D is on a dorm floor where drinking (at least amongst the girls) is not the primary activity. (not to say she hasn’t imbibed, but when we talked at Thanksgiving and I asked her…she said that red bull and vodka was the newest “thing” and after trying it on 2 occasions, decided it tasted like nail polish!) Anyway…</p>
<p>I’d advise your son to find a group of girls that have similar interests as he (maybe by wandering around in his dorm on Friday night)…there are several guys from D’s floor that are frequently part of their group that does many of the available stuff on campus that doesn’t involve drinking…it’s not a male/female relationship thing—most of the girls think of them as “brothers”.</p>
<p>my D is a non partier, and she met several girls in her dorm who didn’t want to drink…so they would go into the city- get dinner, see a jazz band, go to an under 21 club, etc…she is having a great time</p>
<p>this guy in their dorm, and a couple of his friends, weren’t into the party scene either, and the “brave” one asked what the girls were doing, saying they were bored with everyone drinking, etc. and wanted to find other things to do</p>
<p>so voila- a whole new social circle!!! and the “brave” one is now my Ds BF- </p>
<p>they had actually run into each other at club meetings and such, so it wasn’t a “cold” call- </p>
<p>now they ice skate, see a play (saw the nutcracker in NYC for 15 bucks), they volunteer, have movie nights, check out the campus shows and plays</p>
<p>last night D went to dinner with BF, today, the girls are doing a bit of shopping, then ice skating</p>
<p>if they get back to the dorms at 10, they have had a great day,and don’t mind hanging out with other people on the floor making hot choclatle, instant mochas, playing cards, whatever</p>
<p>if you are super busy during the day, being social,e tc. a Friday or Saturday night just hanging out in the dorm with flormates doesn’t feel like you are alone</p>
<p>Drugs… (only kidding)</p>
<p>Hangs out with friends who aren’t into drinking. Goes to the library. Goes to on campus dances and parties where drinking isn’t allowed (though some students drink before going to the dances). Goes to movies.</p>
<p>My D is in her third year in college. She is the only abstainer among her friends. (She does make a mean Kahlua cheesecake though).</p>
<p>She has not missed a single party; she dances, socializes, has a good time, and then when people start to get embarrasing, she leaves.</p>
<p>it was funny, my youngest was out last night, hanging with friends at Starbucks, and some HS sophmore girls came in, falling all over themselves, saying HEY!!! HOW ARE YOU??? to my D who was just embarrassed for them, and didn’t want anyone to know they were acquainted’</p>
<p>if only someone would video tape the drunken grossness many girls display and show them later- with all the mascara, messed up hair, vomit etc</p>
<p>t</p>
<p>Thanks for your kind suggestions everyone. I agree it should get easier for him once he finds others who don’t drink… First sem, Freshman year now. Should get easier soon.</p>
<p>ECs sound like a good idea except they are not allowed a car first year.</p>
<p>I think he got completely turned off from drinking (even before trying out a drink himsel) since he saw the aftermath as an EMT at 17. Sorry! He is not much of a dancer… certainly didn’t get my dancophilic genes. ;-)</p>
<p>I also wonder how much is kids are truly imbibing these days and how much is “hype”. I wonder if they get high on the idea of getting drunk, know what I mean? If half the kids claim they are wasted because they think it’s cool?</p>
<p>Oops! typos - I meant -
I also wonder how much is ‘kids truly imbibing’ these days vs “hype”.</p>