<p>What have you taught your teen about handling unwanted romantic attenion? Not anything threatening…just the garden variety guy that they don’t like asking them out…I was never good at that as a teen; I fear that I led a few on by agreeing to a date to be nice, then not agreeing to the second date. Do people still say, “I like you as a friend…” Or do they ask each other out via Facebook so the sting is at least not in person?</p>
<p>missypie, Good question! I was never taught about this and ended up having a problem when I was in college. An older adult student was persistently asking me out. I grew very uncomfortable and finally I was waiting to see a Professor I knew pretty well. This guy was standing in the hallway and I couldn’t get rid of him. When the Professor called me into his office I asked if I could shut the door. He was puzzled but said, “sure”. (Long story short he was a friend/colleague of my Father’s so he wasn’t concerned about the propriety of a shut door with me). Anyway, I explained that this guy was kind of creeping me out.
Professor basically told me, you have to get in his face and tell him “I am not and will never be interested in you. Leave me alone.” I had no idea…I kept thinking if I told him I was busy or had to wash my hair he would take the hint.
Important to share the discernment process with all kids-boy or girl. The I like you as a friend doesn’t always work.</p>
<p>My D has struggled with this situation in college also. She’s a sweet girl who is very non-confrontational so she tends to ignore rather than confront. She’s kind hearted and doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings so sometimes she will agree to go to dinner or coffee once just to be open minded in case maybe she might connect with that person. After that, she’d be friendly but distant… taking a long time to respond to any phone calls or facebook messages. If it’s someone with friends in her circle, she’ll talk to the friend and have them dissuade the boy from pursuing her. Generally they’ll get the idea.</p>
<p>There have been a couple of boys who have been scary persistent. Although she doesn’t like to, she has just gone into ignore mode and won’t return calls or messages at that point. She has also had friends in this situation who told the boy “I’m kind of seeing someone” although they weren’t and didn’t like not telling the truth but didn’t know what else to do because the boy wouldn’t take no for an answer.</p>
<p>Generally the boy asks the girl. Based on that, and my own experience, here’s a male point of view…</p>
<p>I had that experience sometimes as a young man. Not every girl I had a romantic interest in returned the interest. I hope none thought me creepy! After I caught on that a girl was giving me endless excuses such as “I’m busy”, “I’m washing my hair”, I thought very little of the girl and was glad we didn’t go out. Yes, a person can be busy, once or twice, so that isn’t a good lie. Generally if there is an interest a person suggests an alternative. “No, I’m busy Friday, but how about Sunday?” Or “I don’t like skating, but how about a movie?”
A direct “no thank you, I’m not interested” is simpler, clearer, and shows far more integrity. To give one lie after another until the guy either catches on that the girl is a liar, or he chooses to move on is not a nice way to treat a guy. It also doesn’t speak well of the girl.
If a girl hasn’t the courage(?) and integrity to really say “no thank you,” then I suggest the girl is not yet mature enough for dating. My son tried to <em>break it off</em> with a girl while in H.S., by simply not calling her. We made it very clear that even if he no longer had an interest in her, that she deserved to be treated better. We saw to it that it was a little while before he dated again.
If the girl insists on lying, I recommend that she say “no, because she is interested in someone else”. Not that any lie is a good thing, but that lie indicates <em>don’t try again</em>. To merely say “No, I’m busy Friday” can send the message that maybe if she weren’t busy… so try again. To get that message, keep trying, and then later to find out the girl had absolutely no interest at all can be very hurtful.</p>
<p>My daughter went through this last semester and she just avoided him even though he stalked her in her classroom a few times. One of her professors asked her if the guy was stalking her as he showed up after her class and they were talking so the professor recognized the behavior and would walk down to the lobby with her.</p>
<p>There’s a power dynamic between males and females and females can be intimidated by size and strength in not wanting to tell a guy to get lost. For guys that don’t understand, consider being in prison with your muscled and tattooed roommate wanting you to be his girlfriend.</p>
<p>Girls don’t generally want to ruin someone’s life but a call to security can cause a world of problems for a male. My daughter didn’t want to do that. If it’s a problem in the fall, then we’ll figure out what to do from there.</p>
<p>One approach that I’d take is a list of requirements to date my daughter to present to they guy. Hooking the guy up to a lie detector isn’t one of them. Though maybe it should be.</p>
<p>If you’re not interested, say so. If you make an excuse, we will take it at face-value and ask again and again until the truth comes out. And don’t say yes if you aren’t interested. Then you’re wasting both of our time.</p>
<p>From my perspective as a persistent guy.</p>
<p>We have taught S to be firm and kind. If the other person persists, more firm. </p>
<p>In my opinion, it’s unkind and dishonest to accept a date with someone you have no interest in. I would also be worried if my S was so afraid of “confrontation” that he would accept a date with someone he had no interest in. That’s not a good sign.</p>
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<p>I find it hard to understand why you would encourage your child to consider the feelings of the person who makes her so uncomfortable that a professor noticed.</p>
<p>Stalking almost always gets worse overtime. It is not the responsibility of girls to protect boys from the consequences of their actions.</p>
<p>My kids could probably give ME lessons. D has always been very honest and direct, but kind. She politely declines invitations from males she has no romantic interest in, even tho they are puzzled and explain it’s no big thing. They do move on and everything works out for her & them. S is also careful about others’ feelings and seems to have been OK at navigating this so far, tho he doesn’t give me many details.</p>
<p>“I find it hard to understand why you would encourage your child to consider the feelings of the person who makes her so uncomfortable that a professor noticed.”</p>
<p>Do you make it a habit of reading in your own personal biases to what others write?</p>
<p>Where did I encourage this?</p>
<p>My D has had at least one or two uncomfortable encounters with persistent suiters this past year in college (her first). One of them came into her room and got angry when she turned him down, which scared her. She’s a straight forward girl who has no problem saying “no”, but that doesn’t protect her from boys who can’t take a “No”. I’m seriously thinking of having her enroll in a self defense class.</p>
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<p>This is rarely a good idea. Second guessing her own instincts is something she needs to get over right away! I did this just once, when I was about 19, and ended up with a vicious stalker who eventually became physically violent, as well as spewed racist rants at me in public places.</p>
<p>I’m grateful that D has very good instincts about people and has been pretty good about using good judgment to avoid bad and awkward situations. There were a few males (one/semester) who followed her around campus a bit but they weren’t really “stalking” and did give up with egos intact when she made it clear she had absolutely NO feelings for them other than as another live human being. She found it mildly flattering initally but it got old when she had to be blunter and blunter.</p>
<p>BCEagle, If you do not want any comments, then don’t put it up on a public board. It’s pretty simple. If you want to know what motivated me, I’ll tell you. It’s not my personal bias. It’s my professional training. </p>
<p>Women are socialized into putting nice ahead of their safety. They are socialized into taking responsibility for the consequences of boys choices. I would have absolutely no concern for the consequences of the male or female who stalked my S even once and I’ve raised him to not either.</p>
<p>I too “would have absolutely no concern for the consequences of the male or female who stalked my S even once and I’ve raised him to not either.” Who among us would have sympathy for a stalker? But so what? How is that relevant here?
Some here have gotten carried away! If I buy a cigarette lighter, should I be arrested for arson? The OP specifically said “handling unwanted romantic attenion? Not anything threatening…just the garden variety guy that they don’t like asking them out…” Clearly the Op ISN’T referring to a stalker.</p>
<p>It makes perfect sense to me that a girl not want to ruin a boys’ life over an unjustified call to security. That is how I interpret BC’s comment(post 5). BC is responding to the Op’s premise that it is unwanted, non threatening attention.
Some here have addressed the Op’s question, the best way to handle unwanted, non threatening attention. Improperly taken out of context, BC’s comments would have a whole different meaning. But in the context of this thread, the best way to handle unwanted, non threatening attention, I think the comments make perfect sense.
A new topic might be “D gave a clear “No” to unwanted, nonthreatening attention but boy is now a stalker. What should I do?” That might be interesting, it might be helpful, but it isn’t this topic here. Recommendations to that query would be far different than the question here posed by the OP.</p>
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<p>I’m a professional too. As a professional, I know when I’m an expert
in an area with specificity or a general expert. I also know when I’m
not an expert in an area. As an expert, I understand that there is a
wide variability in configurations, applications and situations. I
don’t assume that my read of a brief description of a situation is the
correct one. So I ask questions.</p>
<p>For some strange reason, you assumed that what my daughter wanted to do
was what I wanted to do. That was neither implied nor correct. A true
professional would ask questions; not make a gross assumption.</p>
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<p>This has absolutely nothing to do with your assumptions on my point of
view.</p>
<p>I think it is best to say right upfront something like I am so flattered that you want to get together, but no thank you: Think a gracious response. I think that this shows respect for the other person, and is not misleading. I think it is not mature to say I am busy, washing hair, etc. This is not really kind, and a white lie that is not needed. I kind of place this in the category of advice given by women several generations back. What is wrong with being direct, without being misleading?</p>
<p>I was appalled one day in my D’s middle school, when I heard the girls laughing hysterically at one girls response “I’m busy and you’re ugly”. They were telling it over and over. I actually went to the school psychologist, so that she could be clued in to the lack of respect dynamic there. I realize that HS and college kids are a bit more mature, but I do think some people do need to be reminded to be respectful, even if they are older. </p>
<p>If someone feels stalked, that is an entirely different matter.</p>
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<p>Ah, middle school girls…in a pack…pity the boys.</p>
<p>Well we don’t all agree on how to handle it, but now you have a few suggestions "about handling unwanted romantic attenion Not anything threatening…just the garden variety guy that they don’t like asking them out.</p>
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<p>If they treat the boys that way, then I’m sure that they’d treat each other that way too.</p>
<p>I thought about this thread the other night when I was waiting with other parents to be dispersed on the buses for the grad party.
One mom commented that her mother gave her one very important piece of advice at graduation.
- Avoid direct overhead lighting*
helpful, eh?
My mother didn’t tell me anything & I have not really given a specific piece of advice to my girls regarding advances other than avoid the eyes of people that are looking for someone to hit on, on the street.
This was * after* my older daughter was getting catcalls from a car full of thugs and her response was to stop in the middle of the street and tell them off.
I like to be a little more discreet- so I hope I got her to understand that ignoring them is safer.</p>
<p>When the boys are more subtle, I admit that it can be really frustrating cause I have come to believe that for many boys of a certain age, " just friends" can be the same as " maybe later".
Some just do not hear the word " no, thank you".</p>