<p>
</p>
<p>Unfortunately, I think there is alot of friends “with benefits” nowadays. It’s difficult for guys to hear “no” if they’ve seen the persistance of others pay off.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>The problem is that sometimes it’s difficult to distinguish between nonthreatening attention and attention that may turn creepy. Often, it’s just a feeling that the girl has, a gut instinct, and not really based on any concrete action on the boy’s part. In the case of my D, it took several casual encounters and invitations (where my D said ‘No’ clearly) before the boy turned nasty. Obviously, not all boys turn nasty (no boy bashing here!), but my point is, you can’t always tell who will. (And the bad ones? They take advantage of that.)</p>
<p>Movies romanticize the male being extremely persistent and eventually winning the female. To use an example from my generation, consider The Graduate. Benjamin gets a room at Berkley when he isn’t taking any classes, for goodness sake. The landlord is suspicious and when you think about it, for good reason…isn’t Benjamin a stalker? What would you do if a boy from home that your D had briefly dated then rejected moved to her college town and followed her around? Yet, we are cheering for Benjamin and yes, he gets the girl. I love the movie, but what lesson is a young man supposed to take away from that?</p>
<p>
Some guys really don’t take the hint. I think it’s a form of denial–even their friends may realize it’s hopeless. I think the girl has to be as direct as possible without being needlessly cruel, but it’s best if she says something like, “I am just not interested in a romantic relationship with you.”
I also agree that there is a fuzzy line between persistent behavior and “stalking.” Indeed, I suspect that most of us have seen some level of persistent behavior pay off, so if you want to discourage it, you have to be firm.</p>
<p>My D has said words to that effect to several young men, “I’m just not interested in any romantic relationship with you.” She was firm but kind. (I had told her that when I was 14 & kept being asked out, I gave the washing hair & having to watch my younger sibblings sports practices & other lame excuses.) </p>
<p>The males were initially mildly offended but did go on to find other females who WERE interested in a romantic relationship, so it worked out well for everyone. She was surprised how quickly they got “over her.” They persisted for a bit saying just one outing isn’t a commitment but she firmly and consistently declined and is glad she did. They really had fundamental differences in what they wanted out of life and their educational plans. They thought she was dreaming to want to transfer to a private competitive U & were happy at CC–she wasn’t.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>That’s a good thing to remind kids who hate to disappoint or hurt anyone…he may have a list of 10 girls he wants to ask to a movie- if you turn him down, he’ll just call the next one…it may not be true but the idea might keep a girl from agreeing to a date “just to be nice.”</p>
<p>My oldest always felt she needed to make an excuse. She called me recently feeling really good about herself. She was at an event and someone came up to her and asked her if she was so and so from blank. She said yes. He said I knew you there and asked for her number and to have coffee sometime. She said she had no clue who he was. She told him No, I don’t do that. She felt really good that she hadn’t felt any need to give an explanation or excuse.</p>
<p>Don’t chase them, replace them…</p>
<p>D surprised how quickly one of the most persistent guys got a GF after he was convinced her “no” meant “no.” She was happy for him as she didn’t find him in the least “date potential” and just thought he was a “nice guy.” She has very definite ideas about whom she finds interesting and attractive for dating–I’m glad. S does as well. He had a GF for a few months last summer & fall but none before or since. Both seem happy with their regular friends & don’t want undue “romantic” attention.</p>
<p>I don’t get why more people don’t tell persistent people up front that they simply don’t want a relationship. I always turn people down by saying “no thank you, I’m not looking for a relationship” which is completely true. If they continue to persist then I simply ignore them. It’s not hard to ignore someone’s phone calls/emails. Usually they get the message and leave you alone.</p>
<p>Hunt covered an angle I had forgotten(post 24). Denial can be a part. But let us remember the Op asked about teens. Teens are newer at dating than say people in their 20’s. They lack the experience to always send or receive subtle signals. That sensitivity comes with dating experience. What might seem obvious to me at 50 wasn’t as obvious to me at, 16 or 18.
If I was in high school and a girl declined a date offer with “I’m busy that night”, then I would have interpreted that as meaning <em>maybe, if she weren’t busy…so try again</em> Of course if I heard that again and again, then I would take the hint.
In those old days it was considered <em>nice</em> for a girl to be a liar, and <em>nice</em> to decieve a guy rather than risk hurting a guy’s feelings by being direct.(Remember we’re referring to the Op’s question-not a stalker). As women have made many gains toward equal rights and of course the accompanying equal responsibility many old ways are falling by the wayside.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Yes. This. As we saw on the first page, a young woman’s professor noticed her discomfort yet the young women felt obliged to “not hurt” the boys feelings.</p>
<p>I would find it terribly alarming if my child was not confident in their instincts and their right to say “no”, to anything and anyone.</p>
<p>Am I too focused? “The problem is”…as some have said here, the Op’s question. It is the Op’s dilemma. The Op’s question [paraphrasing] is how teens can turn down non-threatening attention. Suggestions about handling mentally disturbed stalkers is no help to the OP. To be fair and helpful to the Op, don’t we have to assume that when she asks for help with non-threatening attention, what she really means is that she wants help with non-threatening attention? Is it relevant to give advice/express concern on topics that the OP isn’t asking about?
If I ask here about the price of gasoline will some here respond to the evils of arson?</p>
<p>“Yes. This. As we saw on the first page, a young woman’s professor noticed her discomfort yet the young women felt obliged to “not hurt” the boys feelings.”</p>
<p>It’s amazing how you can lie about a post.</p>
<p>I would find it terribly alarming if my child was not confident in their instincts and their right to say “no”, to anything and anyone.</p>
<p>Me too. But I don’t have that problem with my daughter.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>You’re right, the OP asked about your garden variety unwanted date invitation. The answer is easy, “No thank you, I’m not interested”, or some variation of.
The reason this other stuff comes up is that most any girl who has had to turn down an unwanted suitor has had to deal with one who became an unwanted, PERSISTENT, and sometimes threatening “suitor” (at this point, “suitor” is not what I would call him). I think it’s hard for most reasonable men to understand the range of behavior out there, some of which is kind of unbelievable in its obtuseness. I remember being accused of being a “dyke” (the actual word used) when turning down an invitation. This happened to friends too, so it wasn’t an isolated incident. My D has had to deal with “rejection rage” multiple times. So, for a lot of young women, turning down an invitation becomes fraught with potential consequences (that is, the ones who have the confidence to say a clear, “No thanks”.)</p>
<p>I think what not everyone seems to understand is that even in college and even if you tell someone very firmly and directly “No, I am not interested”, that doesn’t always mean they’re going to accept that and go away quietly. </p>
<p>My daughter and her friends would never lead someone on purposely but they also don’t want to stomp on someone’s feelings plus they are scared of the reaction they could get if they’re honest. My daughter once turned down a boy directly only to have one of his friends send her an email cussing her out and threatening her. So to say that being direct is the best way to handle it, I’m not so sure it’s always that cut and dry.</p>
<p>Recently, there was a boy who is long time best friends with the boyfriend of one of D’s good college friends. D enjoys this boy as a friend but when he started asking her out, she declined and told him she enjoyed his friendship but did not want to date. He became so focused on her that his best friend told him “get over it, she doesn’t like you and will never date you”. D never felt threatened by this boy and really wanted him to meet someone else so he’d be happy. It’s awkward when they run in the same social group and see each other frequently.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Does being evasive, indirect, or even saying “yes” for one date actually help in dealing with obtuse or not-going-away-quietly men?</p>
<p>Coming from a different culture, I do not understand and I am curious how one avoids impcat of the hooking up culture. </p>
<p>This problem is not realted to US alone, it is happening in my own conservative countries.</p>
<p>Do you think hookup culture allows kids to explore relationships? What about young people who are sleeping around and like the relationship that last one night stands only.</p>
<p>What I have heard on TV news it is typical for a man or woman to have 15 plus partners before they settle down? I do not know how true it is. I wonder how these things will not impcat long term problem in relationship? What about medical problems in being promiscusous?</p>
<p>In answer to #38: the hook up culture is limited to a relatively small percentage of college students who like to make the rest of the college population think that the majority is like this. And, while others may disagree, my experience has been that the higher up the education totem pole you go, the less hooking up there is. I don’t mean people are more moral–it may just be that they are aware of the physical dangers of a hooking up culture. </p>
<p>Every year, Harvard’s student newspaper surveys graduating seniors and reports the results. This year over 500 students responded. Now, obviously. that’s less than half the graduating class, but it’s still a signficant number. You can find the survey yuurself, but the median number of sexual partners those responded had during colllege was 2.4. Obviously, that’s the median # . Still if the median is 2.4 partners in 4 years, it doesn’t sound to me as if there’s widespread promiscuity. See <a href=“http://www.thecrimson.com/commencement/2009/index.aspx[/url]”>http://www.thecrimson.com/commencement/2009/index.aspx</a> </p>
<p>Oh and if you click on the PDF to read the survey, you’lll see that some of those Harvard grads already were or were planing to marry right after graduation.</p>
<p>jonri:</p>
<p>I am not trying to be judemental. As any relationship is based on trust and any past, present and future can throw a curve balls into relationship. I am just curious how people who are promiscuosu survive this. </p>
<p>I have kids who attend one of the HYP. What I know from them that hookup culture is there. I do not know how widespread it is.</p>
<p>I see in my office that few people change partners every few months.</p>
<p>In my office, according to gossip wine, many married people have partners outside the marriage too.</p>