<p>Heh…I know what you mean. I last dated when the dinosaurs roamed the earth.</p>
<p>It’s really, really hard to say “No” to someone who has just (barely) screw up their courage to stammer out an invitation. Even though it would be kinder in the long run. We all need training in it, not just girls. My H has a hard time saying no to his colleagues. Good thing he isn’t a girl.</p>
<p>I asked friends on another forum the same question as OP, and here’s a suggested phrasing from one of them.</p>
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<p>If it’s true, say “Thank you, I’m flattered.”
If it isn’t, substitute “Thank you, that’s very sweet.”</p>
<p>Follow with “I don’t feel that kind of chemistry between us.” Emphasis on lack of chemistry and “us”. Not him. Not her. Just the combination.</p>
<p>Finish up by changing the subject: “Have you read Twilight?” or “Hey, a bunch of us are going to see ‘Up.’ Wanna come with?” or “I gotta run - I’m late for swim practice.”</p>
<p>Sometimes, saying “NO” just isn’t enough! Like people should get the hint already if someone is too busy for someone. After a while, people should move on and know that maybe they’re not right for someone. As a teen, our hormones go wild and we get obsessed and go crazy. I admit it I remember having a crush on this guy back in HS and even though he didn’t like me I still wanted to pursue him so I wouldn’t give up! Usually, when someone has low self esteem they can’t take no as an answer and move on so easily. Right now, I use to teach english to this old guy and on the 2nd day he wanted to be my girlfriend and he would keep calling me and calling me. He sent me this nasty e-mail saying nvr trust blk people and go home and u wanted me for my money. Of course I wanted you for your money, but then he cried and apologized. I used the excuse of I moved, I have a job and preparing for exams so I’ll call YOU. Well, didn’t work he still kept calling me so then I blocked all contact from him and haven’t looked back since. If I would of him told him no and my real feelings, he would of taken that as a “Well we’re just friends I wanna take you out anyways”. Some people out there are creeps!</p>
<p>lunitari, I like those suggestions for responses, especially the emphasis on “us”. That seems very graceful.
The only thing I would definitely advise against is following up with “Hey, a bunch of us are going to see ‘Up.’ Wanna come with?” That seems like a mixed message.</p>
<p>Yea, I don’t think I’d invite someone you’re trying to disentangle from even to a group event as it would seem to be a mixed message. Some of them really have high hopes and might just hear that you’re INVITING him, discounting everything else you said and your body language.</p>
<p>My sons are just graduated from high school teens, but both have ended up being the ones who were ‘asked out’ by girls.</p>
<p>In one case it was a girl who my son did like. However, I think that her being the ‘forward one’ back in 7th grade was a matter of bad timing. They ended up being ‘together’ for a couple of years, broke up, got back together, but it just didn’t work out. Part of the issue was that the girl definitely sent mixed messages…she had initiated the relationship, but then she wanted him to take the ‘lead’ in some ways. In the end my son got a bit possessive and she dumped him. Totally, totally right decision on her part and a learning experience for my son. Since then he’s asked one girl out, gotten rejected, and so far he’s expressed no interest in any other girls.</p>
<p>My other son was asked out by another girl. Someone whose company he enjoyed, but wasn’t really that interested in romantically. I kept telling him, over and over because this girl was mildly persistent but not obnoxious about it, that he HAD to make sure she understood that, while he liked her as a friend, he was NOT interested in a romantic relationship with her. The point I made to him was that if she was going dreamily along feeling that they were ‘involved’ in some way or that there was a chance that they might someday be more than friends then he was doing her a disservice, because if some guy came along who DID feel romantically attracted to her then she needed to be emotionally ‘free’ to pursue a relationship that DID have a chance of progressing to something romantic.</p>
<p>Fortunately he was able to convey to her that they were NOT a couple and that she should feel free to hang out with anyone she wanted.</p>
<p>Now that son is involved with a girl that he is just head-over-heels about.</p>
<p>I have two daughters who are much younger but I am paying attention to all this advice for daughters!!! (My kindergartner has already been through about six 'boyfriends’4 and almost as many ‘fiances’ in her short life!)</p>
<p>As a former ‘female on the dating scene’, I’ll tell you what I used to tell guys who were asking me out. If it was someone that I’d known for a while I often said, “You know, I already know you well enough to know that I don’t want to get to know you any better, so no, I don’t think it would be a good idea to go out.” I did sometimes have to repeat that a few times.</p>
<p>If it was someone I knew less well but I already had that ‘vibe’ that I just wasn’t interested I would often say, “You know, none of us ‘click’ with everyone else and that’s a good thing. If we all had the right chemistry with a lot of other people we’d be miserable because it would be hard to figure out WHO we should be with. I just don’t feel like this is ‘clicking’ so I think we should both move on to other people.”</p>
<p>I think that one way to potentially weed out some of the more stalkerish people is to pay attention to how long a guy has been ‘thinking about’ asking you out. If some guy approaches you and finally gets up the courage to say, “I noticed you ages ago and I’ve been trying to figure out how to ask you out,” it might be a good idea to be slightly wary. On the other hand, if a guy has been talking to you casually in a friendly manner for a while and finally gets up the nerve to ask you out that’s probably a little safer.</p>
<p>The guy who has some huge fantasy built up in his mind about how ‘well’ you two would go together might not take it well if you turn them down, but you still need to firmly say “NO”. I ran into this problem when I was contacted by an old high school boyfriend. At first it was fun catching up on what had been going on in our lives, but when he wanted to see me and I said no he got a little upset. Turns out he’d been trying to figure out how to find me for several YEARS so he had this ‘reunion’ scene in his head that he had a lot of time invested in and was upset when I burst his bubble. I had to tell him flat out, “Look, you might have been thinking about seeing and talking to me for a while now, but remember, for me this is a whole new idea and I don’t think it would be beneficial for us to go out. If there are further issues you need to talk over I suggest you get a counselor and discuss the matter with them.”</p>
<p>Before my sons go off to college I plan to have a talk with them about relationships in general and some tips on figuring out a good relationship from a ‘better than nothing’ type relationship…because the latter usually crash and burn at some point, usually way later than is healthy for anyone involved.</p>
<p>I had to have the talk with my daughter about hurting someone’s feelings and how as females we are taught to be <em>nice</em>. And even though I didn’t teach that lesson, it’s something she picked up from <em>society</em>.</p>
<p>Sure enough, she ended up with a stalker 1st semester. She tried the nice approach, but the young man was persistent. That’s when we had the talk. She finally told him just what she thought about him and what she thought his flaws were. She did indeed crush this guy and never looked back. By the way, this is a kid who hates confrontation, but she had to figure out how to get to an acceptable comfort level. Not hurt someone’s feelings, but being miserable or confronting the person and ending the discomfort.</p>
<p>Mom is proud.</p>
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<p>Harsh way to talk to a friend!</p>
<p>The hilarious aspect of the one situation was that the guy (who I’d known since 2nd grade and we were in our 30’s at that point) hadn’t taken ‘no’ for an answer when I turned him down ‘for lunch’. He went on to say, “Aww, what’s the harm in having some dinner sometime?”</p>
<p>That’s when I gave him the ‘I know you well enough already’ line and he laughed and said, “Did you notice how I upped it from lunch to dinner?” </p>
<p>Yeah, caught that. We laughed about it. The reality though, was that I DID know him well enough to know that, while I enjoy his company whenever I see him and he’s definitely someone who can ‘keep up’ in conversation, we BOTH know that a romantic relationship would never work out. For one thing, he’s the guy who, in high school, rode the bus to school every day but spent his days standing on the street corner completely stoned out of his mind. Conversely, I think he was the first guy in our high school class to get his Master’s Degree!!!</p>
<p>MaryMary, I guess that line would work on the guy D has known since kindergarten…</p>
<p>My D’s problem (same problem as with lots of girls) is that she’s nice to all the guys. Some girls are nice to the cute guys and the popular guys, but are downright rude to all the other guys. D is nice to everyone, so guys who are treated harshly by other girls gravitate to her.</p>