I think as long as the person has the income to pay their student loan debt that shouldn’t be a deciding factor in coupling with someone.
I keep seeing people say “instate tuition” like it’s actually cheap and changes people’s debt. I think it’s stilly spendy at around $25,000-$30,000 if you want to live on campus. But what do I know.
Kids love who they love. One of our friends married a nice guy. Honest, hard working. Turns out, nobody taught him that he needed to file tax returns… you can only imagine what it did to their plans of buying a house.
As we’ve discussed future marriage with our kids we’ve talked more about the character of the people they would consider. Specifically with regard to money and debt, is the person responsible, trustworthy, reasonably frugal, etc—-can you be of like mind on the handling of finances, and all the other important things?
Honestly I’m not sure whether my kids’ SO’s have student loans or not but I’m certain they know.
DH and I got married debt-free just after undergrad, then immediately racked up a bunch of student loans for his grad school and took the twelve years following to pay them off together. It was good to be on the same page about how to handle money then and now.
I have no idea whether S’s GF has any debt but knowing his debt averse S is, I’d strongly doubt it. He thinks that paying interest and penalties are generally foolish.
My sister wasn’t happy that her Ds all graduated from college and grad/professional schools debtfree and all married BFs with significant debt.
The couples are all very happy and my sister loves her SILs but just wished they brought less debt to the marriages.
My d tells me everything. She’s dating a guy now with college loans that are a little less than one years salary. He’s a hardworking, responsible young man with a bright future. The reality for most is loans.
She starts working Monday so all of this is new to her. I’m happy to have her share her next steps of life with me. She lives with us and we’ve always been very close. I didn’t grow up with this kind of relationship with my mom.
I think it depends on if that person can make the payments.
I sure hope there’s at least one great young gal out there who doesn’t give a hoot that my med school lad is going to have really significant debt from med school. As a mom looking at all the “little” details involved in marriage, he’s the best catch. He’s very clean (naturally - from youth), he’s super caring, he’s adventurous willing to do almost anything others want to do, he eats pretty much anything, he cooks, he listens, he helps with housework, he loves kids, etc, etc, etc.
We’ve been concerned about the high cost of med school ever since learning about it, but being a doctor has been his non-wavering dream since 3rd grade and he loves it. We’ve discussed the finances of high debt and showed him how he ought to be able to pay them off if he lives frugally for a few years (akin to what H and I did with H’s student loans to become an engineer a few moons back).
I guess if gals dismiss him due to his debt they weren’t the right one for him anyway. With this thread I’m now wondering if that’s why he’s the only one unattached and the other two of ours (one older, one younger) are married or getting married this summer. The last gal he liked broke up with him because she said he was “too smart for her.” I wonder if that was it or if it was an excuse.
I can’t imagine that on its own being something I would ever think to voice concern over. The only aspect of it that could concern me if my girls were seriously dating someone with high education debt would be if they were simultaneously spending every cent they had and incurring further debt on vacations, entertainments and other luxuries.
Simply high education debt with a responsible, good kid who treats my daughters well and is trying to make the world a better place? I would thank my lucky stars.
My D had a friend who had a six figure plus undergrad debt. It was something that affected this girl immensely in every aspect of her life. Even though she was lucky to have a good job, she was having a hard time paying her loans back.
Her fiancé bought a house in his name only because they wouldn’t have qualified with her debt load.
The story was that her dad co signed private loans. He was going through a divorce, promised to pay after the divorce was finalized and then reneged.
That’s what I was thinking about when I said high student debt.
High student debt is not something that would be a problem with me if as others say it was ok with my kid.
As I’ve told my kid, I want them to be happy and I’ll be happy with whomever they are with.
I think there are 3 types of college debt: the regular federal student loans, professional school debt (like med school), and the high 5- and 6-figure debt people take on to pay for an unaffordable “dream” school. I have no problem with the first two. If the person has high debt and a well paying job that would be worrisome, but as long as they were responsible with their money it wouldn’t be horrible. But I’ve told my children to avoid the third type.
It might be different for families who have the resources to provide a financial safety net for their children. We aren’t in that position. My children are graduating from our state schools with no debt. I’d like them to be able to save for their children’s college and their own retirement. They can’t do that if they’re paying down debt from someone else’s dream residential college experience.
@deb922 A father going back on his word that way is beneath contempt. I’d have more trouble with his dishonorable behavior than with the daughter’s debt.
A funny story regarding one of my sons. He and his girlfriend moved in together after graduation and they split expenses 50/50. After 6 months, my son remembered he still had a bank account with $5k back in his hometown. When he mentioned it go GF, she was appalled, as she had really been struggling to pay her portion. This may have led to their first real financial discussion. They are now married and I am happy to have such a fiscally responsible DIL.
Seems like the last category may be more likely to come with reckless spending habits, other debt, and no progress paying down any of the debt.
However, the professional school debt may matter in terms of whether the person is making progress to pay it off in a reasonable time. For example, large debt for a low ranked law school which leaves the graduate struggling to find a job that requires a law degree could be a problem.
Is it true that the topic of student loan debt comes up pretty soon when two persons start to date with each other these days?
Hmm…This makes me wonder when FDIL learned of DS’s near six figures student loan debt after they had been dating and how she felt about it back then. Of course, I would not and dare not ask her/him as it would be improper for me to ask this kind of question.
I think DS is likely more frugal than FDIL. DS once told us that he paid more attentions to the price of the grocery items than her in a grocery store. It is likely due to their different growing up environment.
Even though he has a “huge” debt (in our standard), somehow he decided to invest in Roth IRA. He said it is worthwhile to put the money into this when his income is still low.
I also learn recently that he has bought two suites in his whole life so far: one costs him $200 and the other $400. (He bought the latter one just recently in preparation for his upcoming wedding.) I suspect she likely has to persuade him to spend $$ occasionally like we had to do when he lived with us before and during college. I heard she bought him somewhat “nicer” dress a few years ago — likely in order to “dress him up”, lol. There is likely some financial incompatibility here and they need to work it out by themselves over time, I think.
MSTP? What is that?
Many medical school applicants get accepted to only one medical school out of all of their applicational. And sometimes that is not their instate option.
From Wikipedia:
“The goal of these training programs is to produce physician scientists who can translate laboratory discoveries into effective treatments for patients. In 2018, there were 48 MSTP programs in the US, supporting about 900 students at all stages of the program.”
I think most MD/PhD programs at most research medical schools are such programs. The students take some years off from the traditional MD training to do PhD work. So it takes a longer time to graduate. The students are supposed to be very interested in research and are expected to do a lot of research (both in undergraduate and in such a MD/PhD program.)
D got accepted to instate medschool but decided to go into debt for a private. She married a classmate, both now in residency. The pay sucks and they have HUGE medschool debt between the two of them. But they knew what they were going into before marriage. Their IBR loan is probably more than most people’s mortgage. That being said, they love what they do.
“he high 5- and 6-figure debt people take on to pay for an unaffordable “dream” school”
There are some states without truly affordable instate options so it is possible for young adults to rack up sizable debt when they have zero family support and no cheap instate options.
@CottonTales would your D still have had debt at the instate, just less of it? Are there state schools that are free for most or all of its med students?
My D is a 3rd year med student at her instate and needs loans to pay for it…most of her classmates do as well…there is very little time for the typical student to work. Most students don’t do the MSTP route.
Seven years ago my daughter did marry someone with significant college debt… while she was a parochial school teacher and he was in grad school. A year later he was working a very middle class job and supporting her while she was in grad school. It wasn’t until they were 29 and both working that they could begin to pay down chunks of son-in-law’s debt.
Has his debt affected their life style? Of course. It has also resulted in them being responsible young adults. They have eschewed consumer debt. Except for a mortgage, everything is paid in cash.
Their recently purchased house is small and furnished with hand-me-downs and found items. Cars were purchased used. Vacations are often camping. And they put off having children longer than they wished. As far as I know, though, because I try not to ask, they have managed to pay down half of his debt. I think they may have indulged themselves more without the debt, but I don’t expect it would have made them any happier.
And debt or no debt, I couldn’t ask for a more caring, supportive husband for my daughter or father for my grandson.
Would kids break up over the loan amount after they got close enough to know the loan situation? If not, not sure what anyone can do.