This could be me. One son has a serious GF who may well have a lot of college loan debt. I plan on staying out of it unless asked for my opinion. I suspect he will pay it off if they get married. He has a high paying job and an old fashioned sense of marriage as a partnership.
But don’t think we are so noble. The kids will enjoy a large inheritance and while I am fine with them spending it however they want, I know H will give lectures and perhaps even want to put some of the money in trust with conditions. And I’ll confess that the other kid had a spend thrift GF who accumulated all kinds of stuff. I kept my mouth shut until I had to help them move ( more like me doing 80% of the work) and then I was very free in expressing my opinion of all the stuff she had bought and whether she had the means to afford it. (Not college debt.)
Of course kids often develop the same fiscal habits as their parents, but this third situation sounds like blaming the adult for the sins of the parents. Undergraduates take on that burden when they’re still high school students, and not without their parents’ signature. I would worry more about other signs of spendthriftiness, something my daughter (no debt) has noticed in a lot of the guys she’s dated whether or not they have debt.
My best friend has a son who is a medical resident. He did an pre-residency year elsewhere (whatever it’s called) and fell in love with a resident there who is a year or two ahead of him. They’ve been together for a couple of years long-distance but her and her parents’ attitude about money has been a big issue in the relationship.
@bajamm, yes she would have had debt from the state school. I never ran the numbers as she said she would never go there after the interview. She went to a school that had very good financial aid but still has huge debt.
My dad is a retired pastor and used to do premarital counseling. When my sister and I were kids, long before we got to the point of getting engaged he made it clear that he just wanted to be the father of the bride when we got married but he did talk to us about what goes into good premarital counseling (he wouldn’t cross the boundary of actually trying to have us come to him for that but he wanted us to know the topics he usually covered). Anyway, this thread and something else I’ve seen elsewhere lately is reminding me to have a similar convo with my own kids. So many people these days just have a friend marry them on a beach or something and maybe don’t go as in-depth as we used to back in the stone ages ;-).
(By the way from a parental perspective I did something worse than marry someone with bad debt - I married someone international who wasn’t sure he wanted to stay in the US.)
To be married in the Catholic Church, you have to agree to couples counseling and/or a retreat. We chose the retreat and found it relaxing. Several of the other couples there had NEVER talked about finances or a host of other thorny topics.
H and I fortunately were pretty in-synch about our values and enjoyed the weekends. I really felt apprehensive about the babies sone of these young couples had as the partners appeared pretty far apart on financial and other values but never discussed these issues.
It’s easier if the couple is open and has discussed and come to agreement on most topics so there aren’t huge land mines in the relationship. Finances and attitude toward debt is a biggie!
And this just reminded me of our undergrad years. Then-boyfriend DH offered to pay my tuition the last two years of school when I wasn’t sure I’d have enough resources to continue. A real keeper.
It’s interesting reading this thread because one of my kids was the member of the couple with the debt. A hundred thousand dollars worth of debt, all of it from an MBA program.
I’m glad it didn’t discourage the man who’s now her husband from proposing to her.
I left my MBA program when I realized how long before I’d reach break-even. Didn’t matter that it was Harvard. We’ve raised our son to run from debt like it was E-bola. He won’t assume debt himself and would never consider assuming anyone else’s. If he were unfortunate enough to fall in love with anyone who had significant debt, I’m pretty sure he’d require a pre-nup.
It can be disappointing to work hard to make sure your own kids have zero (or low) college debt only to have him/her marry somebody else with high debt. (When the one with loans becomes unemployed or is stay at home parent, it is worse). But not sure there is anything you can do about it.
I’m sure glad I wasn’t averse to student debt when H and I met! We lived frugally for 5 years post college paying his off and have reaped the benefits ever since. Student debt is often necessary for those who don’t come from higher economic classes. It allows them the options of getting jobs they’d never be able to get otherwise - such as H with engineering or my S with becoming a Dr. For many kids at school it can be the difference between all sorts of white or higher level blue collar jobs and, “Do you want fries with that?”
Money isn’t everything, but sometimes one has to have it. I’m thankful loans are an option. Going outside of student loans, we’re at the financial position we’re at now because we leveraged debt and it worked well - far more debt than H’s student loans. No regrets. I still look at debt as something that can be used for financial benefit.
It’s probably also super good that those who can’t see beyond “loans” don’t get involved with others who need them. I can sense a deeper level of problem if one has that as a blanket policy.
I married my husband in his 3rd year of law school. We had dated since our freshman year. He had $35,000 student loans. I don’t know how much that is today. It took us 10 years to pay them off. It was just part of getting married.
Now, I’m sure my DH would advise a child of ours to get a Prenup for that in case of a divorce, but pay for it along with the spouse as long as they are married. Same with an incredibly huge debt other than student loans.
But to answer @Iglooo question, if they are very serious, it shouldn’t be a deal breaker. It wouldn’t have been for me. I’m sure my DH wouldn’t have minded.
How would. I even know something like this. I wouldn’t ask because it’s none of my business. I don’t see a situation where the boyfriend would share something like this. If my child shared something like this with me about a person they were to married without their knowledge I would tell then there are somethings that are private and should stay between a husband and wife. Having parents in your marriage business doesn’t usually turn out well. Outside of safety issues this is something you should discuss with only your spouse. That is the advice I would give my child.
I had high debt (mostly) from my masters when I married Mr R. It was none of his parents’ business.
4 years later, we own a house, are financially stable, and are paying down the student loans quite comfortably.
For a lot of reasons, I’d never sign a prenup (unless maybe there were kids involved). But since we’re already doing better financially than our parents ever did, there wouldn’t have been anything for a prenup to protect.
I’m trying to imagine a way you could advise your child not to get involved with someone who has debt. Or at least, I’m trying to imagine a way you could do it which didn’t drive a wedge of some size between you and your child.
They’re adults. Do not offer advice about their lives unless they ask, and even then, tread lightly.
^That’s why I did it before ds was an adult. He, of course, can date/marry/entangle himself with whomever he likes. I would NEVER say anything about it now that he is an adult.
Older D has spoken vaguely about her fiance’s debt. They currently have a joint savings account, but they also have separate accounts. They are trying to retrain themselves to spend less and work toward delayed gratification.
Younger D has spoken of her serious boyfriend’s student loans as he begins law school. He’s wisely going to live at home and has received a great scholarship covering almost all of his tuition. (Nope it’s not a T14, but that’s not his goal).
The younger couple is very happy with simple dates and budget meals. Younger D has asked if we would provide them a smaller wedding so that excess funds could be a gift to help with his student loans if needed. (The context is that if X is spent on D1’s wedding, can D2 have the difference if the wedding costs less).
Neither D has any college debt. I also did not have college loans. Thanks to ROTC, H had a very small loan, under $3k when we were married and we paid if off in our first year or two. (We married at 24). During that time, we also paid off a car loan and accumulated our first $10,000.
Such things definitely come up in conversations between adult children and parents because it factors into how they live their life. If the SO has major debt it will curtail things like vacations and trips, how much they can go out to eat, what kind of apartment they can afford, etc.