Financial pressure and finances in general are one of the leading causes of divorce.
I wouldn’t ask and wouldn’t get involved with examining the finances of a significant other with my daughter.
But to only mention the success stories on this thread is to ignore an important issue in relationships.
I would say that I’m more on the educate your children on debt, budgeting, investing as young as you can and credit monitoring side of this question.
And to also be spatially aware of your spouses spending habits and behaviors.
I have seen numerous examples of willful blindness in a relationship, leading to financial ruin for an innocent spouse.
Debt burdens, post divorce, because they casually consigned things or in some cases were victims of identity fraud within their own marriages. And that is nearly impossible to rectify.
I am going to stay out of it. But my d will be as informed as possible and then it’s on her.
I would hope that the couple will discuss what assets and debts they have and make a plan for how to handle their money going forward. Many people have started married life with student loan debt and gone on to do very well. I would certainly not tell them what to do! but I might tell them that having serious discussions about money is important.
We paid for undergrad for both daughters, so neither has any debt. #1Ds long-time BF might have some debt and #2Ds BF has no debt. All are reasonably good with money from what I can tell, but I’m firmly in the don’t ask, don’t tell camp.
Having debt wouldn’t be a dealbreaker, but having debt without a realistic plan to pay it off would be. Feelings and attitudes towards money and debt are the big things in any LTR, married or not.
D1 married someone with high student loans out of engineering school. He was able to pay it down quickly, but would have taken longer if he was also paying interest. D1 loan him the money interest free so he could pay it all back (to D1) by the time they were married. D1 knew how I felt about taking on someone else’s debt. They got a pre-nup before they got married. Love is great and it is also blind sometimes. The best case scenario is the pre-nup will just be in the safety deposit box and they would never have think about it again. I wish I had one when I got divorced.
D2 will graduate with student loans after law school, but she plans on paying it off quickly and before she gets married.
I am very close to my girls and we talk about almost everything. I don’t tell them who they can date, but I definitely have opinion about certain things. They know even without me saying anything at this point. D1 and her H talked about money, kids, work and where they want to live before they got married.
I don’t understand parents not talking to kids about the implications of debt in a relationship. It’s a fact of life. It’s a major source of conflict in a marriage.
My d has no debt and no expenses as she starts her job. Her bf lives on his own and has loans, rent, car, insurance, etc. She needs to be mindful of his budget, and a plan for her savings.
I strongly believe when you marry someone you marry their debt, so you better go in with open eyes.
I think most people weighing in here have no problem with talking to kids about the implications of debt in a relationship during the years where one is raising their children. I believe where the philosophies diverge is when the adult child gets involved with a specific person, so now asking questions about that particular person’s debt status or trying to persuade the adult child to re-think the relationship may be seen as crossing a boundary.
I have no idea if D1’s new husband has or had debt. I cannot imagine asking him. D1 is a frugal person and a prolific saver. I am pretty sure she went into her marriage knowing the score. I would never ask her to reveal SIL’s financial status to me. We had saved for D1’s wedding since she was a little girl. They spent only a very small portion of their budget, so we gave them the difference as a wedding gift. D1 asked me to write separate checks because they do not have a joint account. So that leads me to believe that any debt SIL may carry is something he has been addressing on his own for years (he is four years older than she is, finished his grad school 8 years ago, so probably would have paid it off by now anyway).
I knew all about H’s debt when we married. We just figured out how to handle it together. Neither of us are big spontaneous spenders and we have a single joint account. I do our budget, though we both agree on big items. It really hasn’t been a problem.
I’d be more concerned with spending patterns than known debt. Even if mom and dad paid for college a big spender is going to be challenging in a marriage if there’s a limited budget.
I worry about this with my son. He’s in his early 20’s, no student loan debt and owns a home already. His GF went to an expensive private for a few years before transferring to a more affordable school. I believe she has debt from her first college. Her major will not be a lucrative one so it would likely fall on my son to help pay it off. I am Ok with that once they are married but she’s already pretty opinionated about how he spends his money (this is a kid who bought a house at age 20 and invests the first 20% of his earnings. If he wants to spend on what he likes, I think that needs to be OK!) They live in different cities now and will at least until she graduates in 18 months. Her parents didn’t seem to help their kids with their college expenses although they seem to live a pretty lavish life and she usually has her hair highlighted, nails done and trendy clothes. Thats is a little red flag.
OP- I do remember the thread about this many moons ago.
Our s’s had no college debt. Older s’s wife had no debt either, but younger s’s wife had grad school debt. I don’t know how much, and I didnt ever ask. But she worked during grad school and lived very frugally and did her best to pay as much on it as she could in her first year in the real working world (after grad school). As his wedding gift to her, DS#2 paid off her loans. Proud of that kid.
My son-in-law did have college student loans to repay. He and D started paying them off immediately, but didn’t want to take on a condo payment until they paid off the loan. My H hated the fact that they were renting in an area that was expensive and not getting anything in return. We offered to loan them a down payment for a condo in the area where they lived and to take care of the remainder of son-in-laws student loans. There were two separate loans. D and son-in-law sold the condo and made money. Son-in-law paid us what we had paid for his student loans and they were going to pay back the money we lent them for the down payment. We let them use the down payment for a down payment home on the university town where they moved.
@Igloo - I have a friend whose older brother married a woman who had cancer. When he married her, it was advanced enough that everyone knew she would not survive it. She did not have cancer when they started dating, I don’t think. It’s definitely an interesting question.
Not sure what I could “do” if my child were to date someone with a serious health condition other than give them both plenty of moral support. I certainly would not try to come between them.
If married to someone with a serious health condition, good life insurance! I have an extended family member married to someone with some health issues, who was going on and on about his issues when we first met. Things diet and exercise would fix. Life insurance at an early age is essential, for all who are married, no matter the health issues, unless able to self insure.
One of mine is married to someone with many loans. He is planning on the forgiveness after 10 years with non profits path. I so hope it works out for him! And that the program bugs are sorted out. Foolish? Tell D to avoid such a relationship? Never, though am very loan risk adverse myself.
No, of course not. He’s been good to my D. There’s no way I interfere. My D didn’t know about it when they started dating and he didn’t know it could be a serious condition. My D doesn’t know what the implication might be and I am not telling. It may not be as serious as I make it out to be.
Well, I’m the one who developed a serious chronic condition a decade+ into our marriage. I’m grateful H has been with me through the journey and fortunately it hasn’t been as dire as was predicted two decades ago.
Many years ago, i had a roommate whose brother became ill soon after meeting his soulmate, a lovely young woman… Within a year, his illness was terminal and in his last weeks, he said that his dearest wish was to marry her. They were married in his hospital room, and sadly, he died less than a week later. Soon after, his new spouse was inundated with the bills from not only his student debt but his medical expenses as well. I don’t know how that turned out, but she was stunned and overwhelmed to discover that she was considered ‘the responsible party’ once they had been married.
My d went on a few dates with a young man she went to hs with who had a horrible accident and is now in a wheelchair. She liked him in hs. I do think it could have been a difficult road for her. I just said don’t lead him on in any way, he’s had enough trauma, as has his family.
I feel like hubby could have turned me in under the lemon law. He’s seen me through many surgeries.
I think it’s pretty selfish and short sighted for someone terminally ill to get legally married to someone just before dying and have them crushed by debts. I’m sure the terminal patient didn’t have that in mind, but ugh! Sure does make one pause.
My friend’s brother had advanced pancreatic cancer. He tried to get his brother to divorce his wife so she wouldn’t be buried in debt after he died but I think they steadfastly refused. He stopped returning everyone’s calls and e-mails shortly after the brother died.