What is it about your kid being gay that would cause uneasiness to you?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I really want a large array of perspectives on this subject. I’m a gay teenager and I’m wanting to come out to my parents before I leave for college. I don’t really want to leave and then tell them; I want them to know prior to my departure. My family is EXTREMELY conservative to such a degree that those who don’t follow the rules are excommunicated, according to the teaching of Paul in the NT.</p>

<p>I don’t care where you come from, what you believe in, all opinions are welcome. What is it that for you, as a parent would cause the most discomfort?</p>

<p>And how do I deal with it before leaving for college?</p>

2

<p>What makes you want them to know prior to your departure for college? What do you expect their reaction to be?</p>

3

<p>I don’t really expect their reaction. My dad kind of knows but it is ignored and considered to have been an inconvenient incident. My mom probably overlooks it, but when I was younger I was not very masculine, so to speak. Now I am, but not before. I think they will not know how to react and simply seek our religious leaders’ guidance which will most likely result in an excommunication. Seek “God’s guidance”.</p>

<p>I guess I don’t want to be someone I am not when I leave for college. I want to be who I am. College is a time for that, isn’t it? And I would hate to “live” in a way of which they are “unaware”. I don’t know if that makes sense. I want to be me.</p>

4

<p>I don’t know that it would cause me discomfort, but it would cause me to worry for them and how others might treat them. There are cruel people in the world, and it is the instinct of a parent to want to protect one’s child from cruelty. Whether one’s child is 2 or 18, or probably even 50, I don’t think one ever gets over wanting them to be safe from harm, physical or mental. </p>

<p>What makes you think your parents don’t already know?</p>

5

<p>My cousin came out as gay from across the country around 25 years ago. His parents were very traditional in their religion, although university educated (Harvard, Smith…). Here were the concerns they expressed. Since it was 25 years ago, they might be a good match for your parents today!</p>

<ol>
<li><p>No grandchildren.</p></li>
<li><p>Loss of the wedding ceremony they had long imagined for their son.</p></li>
<li><p>Embarrassment to colleagues at their work.</p></li>
<li><p>Thought this had never happened to any other parents in the universe.</p></li>
<li><p>Something about their parenting style had caused this in their son as a reaction to them, rather than being truly his persona.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>His Mom somehow learned of P-Flag (a group for "parents and friends of lesbians and gays) and now her acceptance of him is total and loving. His dad struggled to come to terms with it all, then passed on. </p>

<p>Both of his brothers became fathers and he is a terrific uncle. As well, he ended up finding a longterm partner who is now welcomed at all family events. </p>

<p>The progressive party was definitely his mom, not his dad. As well, both brothers spoke up for him with the parents to guide them towards remembering this is a beloved son. </p>

<p>Once they realized they loved their son more than they hated homosexuality, things began to work out better.</p>

<p>We are not of the same faith as you, so I don’t know how that all shakes out in their thinking.</p>

<p>A different family had this worry (for their daughter, not their son) when she came out to them early in college. They worried that she was “politically gay” and not “actually gay” – whatever that all means.</p>

<p>I am certainly concerned for you because of the religious stance you describe your parents believe. I wouldn’t quite know how to handle that set of ideas. We’re from a more liberal religious approach that accepts people for their lifestyles, even has gay clergy. So I’m sorry about that part. But perhaps the family dynamics above will help you see a relucant (not hostile) parents’ viewpoint.</p>

6

<p>If my kid were gay, I would be concerned primarily because of the stigma that goes with being gay – and if it were my son, for the increased health risks that gay men face. </p>

<p>If it had turned out that both of my kids were gay, I have to say that I would be a little disappointed because of the decreased likelihood of having grandchildren (although I am embarrassed to admit this since it’s really, really selfish).</p>

<p>But that’s pretty much it. If either of my kids had come out to me in high school, it would have been no big deal. And I think that I know them well enough that it would have been no big surprise, either. </p>

<p>But I’m NOTHING like your parents. I think I am several orders of magnitude more liberal, and I’m not religious at all.</p>

<p>In your case, maybe you might want to consider not coming out to your parents until after you’ve been at college awhile. If you have chosen your college wisely, you can be as open about being gay as you like when you’re on campus, and there should be some supportive LGBT organizations that you can join. You will meet people there who have had a variety of different experiences with coming out, and I think you will learn a lot from their perspectives. </p>

<p>Also (and I apologize if I am misjudging your parents), if your parents overreact to your announcement by kicking you out of the house or disowning you if you tell them that you are gay, where is your tuition going to come from? Giving your parents what they are likely to consider horrifying news about yourself just before they have to start writing enormous checks on your behalf may not be ideal strategy.</p>

<p>You face a difficult situation. I would like you to be well established in a community that accepts and respects you before you share information about your sexual orientation with people who are important to you but who may react badly to your news. You need to have a support system before you do something that difficult.</p>

7

<p>I guess I would be worried that life would be more difficult for my gay son, including within my own family. His grandparents would freak, even though dh and I wouldn’t care too much.</p>

<p>When you say you’d be excommunicated, do you mean literally from your church, or figuratively from your family? I guess I’m a little worried about your dropping this bomb and “running.”</p>

<p>Good luck to you, and I appreciate your desire to live a more “honest” life.</p>

8

<p>Nothing would make me uneasy if one of my kids came out. Gayness wouldn’t change anything about my love, hopes, and dreams for each child.</p>

<p>Do you have a chapter of PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Gays and Lesbians) nearby? Do you have any social support?
<a href=“http://www.pflag.org/Find_a_PFLAG_Chapter.279.0.html[/url]”>http://www.pflag.org/Find_a_PFLAG_Chapter.279.0.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

9

<p>If my son were gay I would be distraught about the public attitudes with which he would have to contend, and knowing how much I love him, I would be sad that he would be far less likely to have a child of his own to love as I love him. Otherwise, as long as he is content and healthy, I’m happy!</p>

10

<p>Another - Well the only thing that would make ME uneasy is the timing of this communication — but I’m not your Dad/Mom am I? IMHO you really need to examine why you feel it important to inform your parents at this brittle time. (Trust me, son leaving home for college is an emotionally charged time for parents.)</p>

11

<p>oh, wow. okay, anotherusername. im not a parent but i have a certain perspective on this subject, considering that i am a senior in high school who was outed to her parents just last week. (this is a very long story, but you asked for it, and im not too shy to post it)</p>

<p>my sophomore year, i had a girlfriend and i came out to my parents. it was just a bad, bad idea. they did not react well at all, and my mom told me that she could not love me anymore if i were really “like that”. i then told her maybe it was just a phase and we lived in comfortable denial until…last tuesday. </p>

<p>i have a new(ish, we’ve been together for about three months) girlfriend, and this one goes to my school. im a senior and she is a sophomore. her parents are VERY conservative. but my school is small and people gossip like no other, so everyone found out that we are dating and of course my mom heard something through the grapevine. last tuesday, she calls me into the kitchen to help with the dishes, and she goes, “you and B, is that like…a gay thing?” and i just decided, to hell with it. and i told her, yes, it is. </p>

<p>she had a lot of questions, but ultimately has reacted MUCH better than the first time around. (my dad was fine with it the first time, and smugly confided to me that he knew it wasnt really a phase, so he’s a non issue). my mom really doesnt understand anything about being gay, which, i dont even identify as a lesbian, or bisexual. at this point in my life, i choose to be undefined, because although i am predominantly attracted to women and date women, i have been attracted to and in love with men. or, a man. so anyways, she does not understand the concept of fluid sexuality or anything. and she doesnt understand how being gay can be about anything besides sex. but we’re dealing with it, she’s trying to treat me like the same person i was on monday before she found out. </p>

<p>my girlfriend’s parents are another story entirely. they have threatened to kick her out of the house, and have taken away all her privileges, etc. </p>

<p>i think that the cause of uneasiness for many parents is a social stereotype. they think that life for gays and lesbians is unnecessarily difficult, or that they cannot find the same happiness that they (the parents) found. (divorce, etc, does not seem to rationalize them). mostly i think its a generational difference. </p>

<p>i wish i understood more about my mom’s perspective, but we have a hard time talking to each other right now. any parents out there who might have some sage insight to offer? it would be greatly appreciated. </p>

<p>my personal advice to the OP: do what you gotta do. if coming out to your parents is something that you’ve decided you have to do before you go to college then no one can stop you. but i would seriously weigh your cost/benefits here. what could be the harm in waiting until you’re already in school where you want to be, living the life you want to live? i know my mom said, “so you just want to go off to smith and live your big gay lifestyle?” (yes, i applied to mostly girls schools…thats another story) and i said, “not exactly, but i have no interest in being somewhere for four more years where who i am is not accepted as a part of life without criticism.” now, she might tell me they wont pay for me to go to a school like that. like i said…cost/benefit, anotherusername.</p>

12

<p>Marian’s advice is very interesting. Would every straight person leaving for college be sure to tell their parents on the way out the door, “I’m not a virgin and haven’t been for years. Sometimes I do hook-ups, too.”</p>

<p>Perhaps this is your personal life, just as a straight person has a personal life.
As you get your independence and feet on the ground at college, you may indeed find wisdom from others who’ve come out and learn some good approaches. </p>

<p>You will likely have access to other kinds of clergy on campus, from other branches of Christianity who are far more accepting than you describe above. They might arm you with some alternative religious language to use in the conversation.</p>

<p>It’s a different approach than spilling it all before you leave town. I hope, however, you have the confidence to bring them in on your true orientation within the first year of college. They will look at you differently after you are not living with them, in general, and might accord you more independence than this week.</p>

13

<p>Wow thanks so much for all of your replies. You guys have no idea how much it means to me.</p>

<p>As in excommunicated, I mean most of my family (because most belong to the religion) and then the rest because they are just like that. . .brought up traditional as well as all my social connections at church. It would literally be a completely shunning.</p>

<p>I have thought about the tuition before too, and in a way I could see my dad saying that he will not support me whatsoever in my “lifestyle”. So I guess it could be strategic not to. But my parents already have a negative view of the “college way of life” (i.e. parties, drinking, immorality, etc.) and I do NOT want them to think it’s influenced me in my “decisions”.</p>

<p>I think for my mom the main thing would be how the rest of the society and church would look at me. Our reputations matter to her more than anything. My dad would just be ashamed having “brought up” a gay son, etc.</p>

<p>I think the grandchildren isn’t a main concern because other siblings have expressed the desire to not have children. And in terms of the health risks, I think I’m still going to apply my moral ethics to that. But many of the other things could be concerns for them also.</p>

<p>I think the main thing is that God hates it and that I will forever be damned.</p>

14

<p>you mean, THEY think god hates it and you will forever be damned, right? </p>

<p>surely you dont believe that about yourself…</p>

15

<p>I could be wrong, and I don’t mean to generalize, but from the many instances I have seen, most mothers are able to deal/accept/embrace the issue of gay children more easily than most fathers, esp. if we are talking about sons. </p>

<p>“What would the neighbors/family say,” would rank up there with reasons that some parents are uncomfortable.</p>

16

<p>Inspiration,</p>

<p>It’s interesting to me how it seems that the same-sex parent is the one who takes it harder, do you find that to be the case?</p>

<p>However, my mom always speaks negatively of homosexuals. For example, a neighbor down the street who is very friendly and even came to be my parents’ acquaintance she suspected of being gay one day when he was parking in the driveway and she had a disgruntled look. </p>

<p>I think ultimately, my parents abhor the flamboyancy of many gay men, as if trying to impose their lifestyle on others, in their opinion. Some of their nephews are gay.</p>

<p>My dad has said that he doesn’t treat any of his gay nephews differently as opposed to his straight ones, and always emphasizes that. He simply doesn’t agree with the “lifestyle”. It’s very complicated in my family so I’m faced with this complex conundrum.</p>

17

<p>Well yes, they and “our” faith believe that God detests it and I will forever be damned.</p>

18

<p>agreed, chocoholic. thats a big reason. </p>

<p>also, i think its an opposite-gender issue. my mom has been upset, but my dad has been fine. moms are better about sons being gay, and dads are better about daughters. i think it has to do with the same-gender parent feeling like they failed to set a proper example or something. i have one friend who came out to her family, and as her mother dissolved into tears, her father clapped her on the back and said, “so, you like women? ME TOO! now we can talk about them!” (true story…strange family.)</p>

19

<p>You are also free to search for a more accepting branch of Christianity. The church you grew up in does not have a monopoly on the interpretation of gospels. Would it mean something to you to be able to say to your parents and yourself, “I am still a Christian,
just in a different church.” ?</p>

<p>Again, you can more readily seek that out on a campus than in your home town.</p>

<p>I have a feeling you need to find acceptance relative to your religion as well as your parents, since the two are quite intertwined.</p>

20

<p>The only problem is that they believe that SOLELY our branch is correct in its doctrines.</p>