<p>Let’s get this thread away from the consequences of leading an active gay sex life and return to the social/emotional/psychological issues the OP is worried about. All the healthy lifestyle advice doesn’t change his situation. He is stuck with who he is, just as fair skinned blondes are; melanoma is not a fun consequence of sun exposure… why do so many people insist on exposing their skin…</p>
<p>Fact- being gay is not a choice as many would wish, but a hardwired inclination that the OP wishes to reconcile with his family and the social group of his religion. He is asking for the best ways to handle being gay and the abhorrence of his community towards the issue. He is not asking how to be active, but how to deal with his desire to be honest about who he is and the potential consequences. We are all taught to be honest, but what does one do when telling the truth causes such severe problems? His problem is how to best handle a situation he has been taught can’t exist- being a good person and being gay.</p>
<p>wis: Yes, I think your empathy is most welcome here.</p>
<p>My heart goes with the points Hanna is making, but now I understand where barrons is coming from. There are many ways to express caring, and that’s what posters here are trying to do.</p>
<p>barrons: We all have fears for our kids. Glad your wife’s are somewhat assuaged. Tolstoy wrote something funny/sad/true in Anna Karenina. Levin is looking at his infant son and loathing him for making the dad a hostage to fate. Now he finally cared about someone/thing enough to suffer. Tolstoy slyly says he was hating his son so hard he barely noticed the insane pride he experienced when the baby sneezed.</p>
<p>Living is risky. Sigh. I wish we could keep them safe. When DS was fourteen he was invited to go to Rome with the Latin class, most kids going seniors and 17 or 18. I wanted to say no but couldn’t. Glad I didn’t know he was roaming around Rome with just 2 15 year old buds until he returned.</p>
<p>i just wanted to thank all of the posters on this thread. the advice you gave was not only for the OP but im sure that it helped many other gay/lesbian teens, including myself, browsing CC. </p>
<p>i just wish that all parents were as caring and accepting as you all :-)</p>
<p>This thread makes me sad, sad because a kid has to worry about this at all.</p>
<p>Someone a few pages ago wrote:</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I want to stand up and cheer! That is a fabulous way to put it.</p>
<p>To answer the question the title asks: Nothing. I love my son. He is who he is. I cannot ask him to be, nor would I want him to be, someone different.</p>
<p>“I don’t care where you come from, what you believe in, all opinions are welcome. What is it that for you, as a parent would cause the most discomfort?”</p>
<p>What would concern me most is how gays are targets of hate crimes.</p>
<p>I have lots of gays in my small family. H also has gays in his. Before we even had kids, we discussed how we’d react if one of our children were gay. Both of us agreed that what would concern us would be their being the victims of violence due to their sexual orientation.</p>
<p>I’d also have a twinge of concern about the possibility of not having grandkids (though I know gay women with kids, it seems much more difficult for gay men to have children). But, I know that just because one’s kids are hetero, it doesn’t mean that one is guaranteed grandkids.</p>
<p>My family also has several gay friends, and most of our friends are welcoming of gays, so I wouldn’t worry about what would the neighbors/family say. If anyone didn’t like my kid because of his sexual orientation, I wouldn’t want that person in my life.</p>
<p>You know, the above post reminds me of a story about Golda Meir. When she was prime minister of Israel they were having a real problem with rape. So many young women were being raped that the Knesset wanted to institute a curfew for young women. Golda Meir suggested that they institute a curfew for young men instead, so the women could have the streets. Needless to say, this didn’t happen.</p>
<p>Yes, gay people can be targets of hate crimes as can Jews (my birth). When I was young I didn’t understand why all Jews don’t convert. Although I am not a practicing Jew, I understand better now. We change our lives to please hate mongers. </p>
<p>So, if a child of mine were gay, I wouldn’t let this reasoning have an impact on me. YMMV.</p>
<p>i found this thread particularly interesting because i have always wondered what the big deal with parents when they discovered their dd or ds was gay. i think i now have more clarity on both sides, with liberal parents and conservative ones as well.</p>
<p>I’ve seen that phrase in a couple of posts; the OP admitted that (or something similar – the church members) for his parents, this would be a worry for them.</p>
<p>I don’t understand that at all. My mother pulled this idea out for something one time, and my thought was, “You care more about what the neighbors think than how your daughter feels?! Gee, thanks a lot. Now I know who’s more important!”</p>
<p>It would be interesting to post on the kids’ boards how they’d feel if they learned that their parents were gay.</p>
<p>I have an adult friend who learned as a teen that her dad is gay.</p>
<p>I am friends with a transexual woman who became a woman when her kids were in middle and elementary school. She is about 6’1 and has a bass voice (Has always had a beautiful singing voice and decided not to have surgery to change it to soprano.) When she had kids, she was a man married to a woman. Now she’s living with a woman. While you can’t tell that some transexuals started out a different gender, with her, it’s very obvious.</p>
<p>I’ve never seen her kids seem embarrassed. This was true even when I met them: Her oldest was in middle school, and I first met them at school when I was volunteering there.</p>
<p>I know someone else who is a transgendered woman who says that her adult children introduce her to people as their aunt. She is heartbroken about this, but doesn’t say anything because she wants to maintain her relationship with her children.</p>
<p>I consider myself pretty open minded. I have gay friends, and don;t have any problems with them. However, I’d prefer not to have a gay son. I attribute this to the selfish gene theory; I want my kid to be like me, achieve things I value, etc. So ya, I’m sort of in the “gay is ok, but I’d rather my kid not be” camp. That said, I wouldn’t love my kid any less or treat him any differently if he were gay.</p>
<p>NSM, I think that your scenarios are a bit different than kids-coming-out in that they are about adults who may not have been honest with their spouses/children (o themselves) for many years. I have a family member (he is the one who is gay) and a friend (she was blindsided when her husband came out) who went through this. It is so incredibly complicated. While I feel bad for your friend whose kids introduce her as their aunt, I also understand that it’s not an easy thing for them to deal with. This is why I believe in being supportive of those who come out … when people try to live a life that doesn’t fit them, it can hurt so many people. There was a time when hiding homosexuality was almost necessary, and it was not easy for people from our generation or those before us to live openly and honestly. I am glad this seems to be changing.</p>
<p>kelsmom: Very sensible and kind reply. I have a mother who’s narcissistic and abusive. Very had to deal with her!</p>
<p>If a parent is loving and caring they’ve done their job, and if the kids have to deal with difficult stuff that’s just their karma.</p>
<p>There’s a great book about this: Conundrum by Jan Morris.</p>
<p>My dear friend David always said we’d have children together “someday”, and was my mainstay after my divorce. It was a nice fantasy for him, but I don’t think he would have ever been ready. He was heartbroken when I met H2. </p>
<p>Actually Jan Morris has chosen to be the “aunt” of her four children. She says she’s not their father and they already have a wonderful mother, so she is her “wife’s” sister-in-law in their heads. The British govt. tried to intervene to make them divorce after the surgery, but they did it on their own time table and stayed a very intact family. Jan wants to date men.</p>
<p>I have always suspected that my dad was gay. He and my mom divorced when I was a child, and she always hinted that his general disinterest in the sexual side of the marriage was a factor. And there were other hints, like the fact that he never married again and never mentioned a girlfriend to me or my sister at any time after the divorce.</p>
<p>If it was true, I wish he had lived in a time and place when he could have openly been the person he really was and still have been the respected businessman that was also very much a part of his identity. And I wish he had known that his daughters wouldn’t have been horrified (or even particularly surprised) by his sexuality.</p>
<p>But he belonged to a generation where being openly gay was so socially unacceptable as to be unthinkable for men who wanted a lifestyle in the mainstream of society.</p>
<p>Not his fault. He was born in 1921 and was a product of his generation.</p>
<p>He was an impressive guy – an excellent role model for responsible adulthood, a World War II veteran with an impressive service record, a remarkably successful businessman despite a lack of a college education, a good father even though his children did not live with him full-time, and a good grandfather as well. He also put in several brutally difficult years as a caregiver for his much-less-independent older sister in the years shortly before his own death at 83. </p>
<p>Given all that, I cannot fathom why anyone could possibly care about something as trivial as his sexuality, but then, I wasn’t born in 1921.</p>
<p>I remember overhearing a conversation that my father had at his Princeton reunion with one of his classmates. He said something like," We never had gay guys in our class. What’s all this gay business about?" and his classmate said, “WHAT? Don’t you remember the two fellows who lived off campus in an apartment?” and Dad said, “Oh, I thought they just didn’t like dorm life!” It was 1936 when they graduated so times sure were different!</p>
<p>i dont think i would mind much if one of my parents were gay. i mean wouldnt it be slightly selfish of me to be uncomfortable with them yet expect them to be completely considerate toward me.</p>
<p>i think that marian is right when she says the times were different when our parents were growing up compared to today. it is so much easier to “come out” today and be accepted than it was when they were growing up. that could be a huge factor in their acceptance in their gay/lesbian child.</p>
<p>While my H and I would be accepting if we were to find out that either of our D’s were lesbian or bi- , the main cause of uneasiness to me would be their 2 mid-70’s grandmothers. While H’s mother wouldn’t “approve”, she’d probably be ok with it. With my own uber-conservative, religious mother, who generally can’t understand any ideas, thoughts, opinions other than her own, I’m quite sure that she’d never be able to handle it. Even after 26 years, she still hasn’t forgiven me for “living in sin” with my future H during summer breaks (we went to school 2 hrs apart from each other)…and I suspect has always harbored negative thoughts toward H for “violating” me before marriage!!! Homosexuality is a hideous “sin”, in her eyes.</p>
<p>She lives in the midwest, we’re in NC. If one of our daughters were to “come out”, we wouldn’t tell that g’ma. It would be WAY not worth it.</p>
<p>Yep, at least she’s been consistent for the 48 years I’ve known her. My sister still butts heads with her; my brother and I have realized that nothing we say will ever change her, so we carry on… She was a loving mom, she has just always set what was right vs. wrong based on her opinions…I’m not sure she’s ever swayed too far away from that course…</p>