My nephews had widely varying weddings. One married the daughter (only child) of a private equity fund manager in New York. They paid more for that one day than we paid for our house, or for both of our kids’ college educations put together. It was an AMAZING party. And I think it was a crazy amount of planning.
His brother got married in an Aspen grove in the mountains outside a friend’s house. They needed some folding chairs, family and friends made the food, and his dad & uncle served as bartenders with a selection of wines and craft beers that the couples liked. My daughters walked up the aisle blowing bubbles prior to the ceremony. My nephew cried when he said his vows, and I think it is the sweetest wedding I have ever been to. We might have even used paper plates, I can’t remember that part. So while I think the OP is really trying to stir the pot here, it is certainly true that a wedding can be wonderful and memorable without huge amounts of money spent and fairly limited planning. But the planning they did was thoughtful and fit their personalities & desires. A slapped together wedding won’t always work out that well. (If nothing else, they didn’t rent a tent, and if it had rained it would have been a problem!)
Oh, yes. The day before my wedding – which was supposed to involve a ceremony performed by a judge who was a friend of my father-in-law, my father-in-law discovered that the judge had a conflict and couldn’t be there. Obviously, he should have followed up with the judge earlier.
Fortunately, we were in Connecticut, where justices of the peace can perform marriage ceremonies in any setting. My stepfather pulled out a phone book and started calling justices of the peace to see if any were available for the time when the ceremony was scheduled for the next day. He only had to work his way through the alphabet to the letter H to find someone.
That beautiful, simple wedding also took lots of planning in terms of who would prepare food, what if would be, renting chairs and getting them there etc. Even if the wedding is more of a family dinner party anyone who has hosted Thanksgiving will tell you that it isn’t a half day of prep and BAM! The aspen friend had to think about food storage, house cleaning etc. All the wedding in the yard people who I know had landscapers come in to get the yard ready or they labored over it themselves for weeks. My cousin had such a wedding. It was less expensive for sure but still a great deal of prep.
Thus the rationale for the existence of commercial venues. The same place where you have your annual office holiday luncheon also does weddings, right?
@Marian Right, but those places are often booked far in advance, so that’s where the months of planning comes in. And in that venue, decisions still have to be made, about food, configuration, lighting, table dressing, etc. Plus, having it at a commercial venue doesn’t eliminate the need to deal with invitations, music, cake, flowers, officiant, dresses, out of town guests, etc.
I’d like to say that I don’t agree that men would be just fine with some half-^$$ed kegger where I guess you throw a hunk of raw meat in the back yard and we all fight over it. My blue-collar contractor husband actually likes to wear a suit to go to a nice event with good food, friends, and a nice atmosphere. We’ve been to parties that consisted of a half a bowl of broken potato chips, and unless you really love those people, it’s hardly worth the drive.
We had a pretty lousy wedding at my parents home, mostly because my mother was stingy, didn’t care about planning, and was passive-aggressively demonstrating her disapproval of our marriage. Thank goodness my MIL stepped up to provide the only decent food and a wonderful cake ($200 or so in the early 80’s). We were young and had no idea how to have a nice wedding.
Once I was married, whenever I entertain, even if it’s a backyard BBQ, I make sure that there’s plenty to eat, and that my guests feel welcome. It takes a little effort. If my guests make the effort to come, I want to make the effort to please them.And you can trivialize it or mock it, but the little touches and decorations that people add to these occasions are part of what makes the guests feel welcome. Male or female.
The thing about weddings is that you can do as much or as little as you want. When I was 19, a friend got married and called us all up after the Court House ceremony saying, “We got married! Come to our place tonight, and bring your own mug!” And we did have a good time. We were all kids, and the bride and groom were Deadheads.
Yes. I found the OP’s assumption that men don’t care about weddings to be kind of comical, actually. A lot of men care a lot about certain things, such as the quality of the band or the food and drink. My husband had very strong opinions on apparel. It’s not a gender issue.
My future son in law has opinions about the upcoming wedding, most of which we are happy to accommodate. My daughter who was always a princess, has become this frugal person since her relationship with her fiancee; we like this new person she has become
Weddings get more complicated when folks try to trim the budget and get their aging family members and others to do physical labor like setting up and breaking down the tables, chairs, etc. for the wedding while wearing clothing for attending the wedding. Just was listening to a friend whose SisIL’s D is getting married and the out-of-state mom of the bride had the brilliant idea that to save money she would have the guests d othe set up and clean up instead of the caterers. The in-town relatives were NOT happy, as they are in their mid-50s, as are many of the other attendees. They’re punting this back to the mom and saying she really needs to just have the caterers handle it.
Having them set up in their nice wedding finery in the hot Hawaii sun isn’t a very attractive idea either. Fortunately, the brother of the mother of the bride will be talking to his dear sis and explaining that is NOT a good place to cut corners. We will all pitch in ahead of time to make favors, centerpieces, etc., but NOT do the labor on the day of the event.
One trend that I had not heard of until recently is having a friend of the bride and groom get ordained online so that he/she can legally conduct a wedding ceremony of whatever sort the couple likes in whatever location the couple likes.
I suppose this is a good innovation in those jurisdictions where civil ceremonies can only be performed at the courthouse, but it seems to be going on in other areas, too. I’m glad it exists. But it seems so weird.
@Marian I’m not sure this is exactly a new trend. My grandmother who was supposed to officiate our wedding was ordained online once marriage equality came to California. She did this because some of her friends were having a hard time finding flexible clergy to conduct ceremony. This was several years ago.
My cousin, who ended up officiating was ordained online and we were her first ceremony. I asked her why she did the online course since it was well before we had asked her and her response was “I don’t know- it seemed like fun!” All she had to do was read a script and sign our license… I was the one who came up with the ceremony script and vows and all that.
If we couldn’t have had either of those, we would’ve had my man of honor do an online thing and officiate. It was his idea. For us, it was because we were getting married several hours away from where we live and I wanted a ceremony with absolutely no religion. Having a friend do it seemed easier than arranging with a JOP.
When I perform ceremonies, I always inquire about the preferences of the couple and if they’re interested will send them the script to edit as they prefer. The last wedding I did which was earlier this month, the couple had me read an exerpt from the SCOTUS decision about marriage equality as part of the wedding. I’m happy to have the ceremony the couple wants and there are very few legal requirements for the couple, as long as they get a proper marriage license and certify about whether the female has had rubella or the vaccination and have it performed by someone licensed in the jurisdiction where the ceremony occurs.
I didn’t know it was a trend. However, my daughter and her fiancé who are engaged are having the groom’s best friend get ordained to perform the wedding ceremony. D and fiancé are not the same religion and neither are too religious. The wedding won’t take place in a place of worship.
Many of the weddings I’ve performed have been at or near the beach or once in front of a lighthouse. One had it in front of a waterfall at a nice resort hotel–the waterfall was so loud it pretty much drowned out all the words for most of the guests, but the couple and I could hear one another. It was a surprise that I knew quite a few people in the wedding party!
Out of curiosity, is this the same wife that you couldn’t bare to sit with while she was in a difficult labor with your child in a place where she could barely understand the language?
We will all pitch in ahead of time to make favors, centerpieces, etc., but NOT do the labor on the day of the event.