<p>H and I have very different parenting styles, partly because our temperaments are so different (you know, opposites attract), partly because we had such dissimilar upbringings.
I think it is a good thing for parents to be different, gets the kids used to different styles of people, just that much wiser and acclimated to more of a variety! (As long as there is consistency in the message and goals, of course.)
But it did turn into a perennial conflict between us when one of the kids was not thriving- H became anxious and finger-pointing. The scars are there between us, but we hope to celebrate 30 years together next year!!! It is also not a good thing for kids to witness conflicts, especially over them. </p>
<p>The approaches we naturally take to college applications and expectations are also opposed, but we are trying to respect our differences and compromise. With D1, I pulled out completely, but with D2 we are working together more, with me in the driver’s seat a bit, so far- time will tell.</p>
<p>You just know when someone is being hit on a sore spot when they cannot have a sense of humor about it… BTDT</p>
<p>My job is 50 hours a week, M - F. My chores require another 15 hours of work on Sat and Sun. We fight about why I’m too tired to go on double dates with his friends every weekend. Dressing up, making witty conversation, and staying awake when I dead dog tired are not my idea of fun. I just want to rest, OK? </p>
<p>We don’t fight about the division of labor. That’s actually split quite fairly.</p>
starting lots of projects and not getting them finished</p>
<p>What ties these together is that I am constantly burning the candle at both ends. If DH thinks something isn’t important (home repairs, cleaning up after oneself in the kitchen, etc.), he will not be involved in making it happen, helping me with it or paying for it. This has rubbed off on my kids more than I like, though they will help when I am feeling crummy. I admit to being an adrenaline junkie; all too often I need a deadline to get motivated.</p>
<p>My schedule is far more in flux and is heavily dependent on how I am feeling physically. I do not always prioritize based on what he thinks is most important; rather, I focus on what I have energy to get done right now. I do overcommit – but that tends to tie into things that have to be done, and not getting support to make them happen.</p>
<p>My bones to pick with him:
lack of work-life balance
inability to engage in emotionally appropriate ways when there are difficulties</p>
<p>He used to be all about balance. Now he works 60-70 hours/week and checks the crackberry constantly. We don’t eat til 10-11 pm because he wants a family dinner, but he’s not home til then. Brings his work home, physically and mentally. Is ruining his health and does not care. Is in serious denial about my illness and the limitations it puts on me. When life gets tough, he gets controlling. Noone gets his unconditional love or respect.</p>
<p>We do agree on politics, money, travel and childrearing, in large part.</p>
starting lots of projects and not getting them finished</p>
<p>What ties these together is that I am constantly burning the candle at both ends. If DH thinks something isn’t important (home repairs, cleaning up after oneself in the kitchen, etc.), he will not be involved in making it happen, helping me with it or paying for it. This has rubbed off on my kids more than I like, though they will help when I am feeling crummy. I admit to being an adrenaline junkie; all too often I need a deadline to get motivated.</p>
<p>My schedule is far more in flux and is heavily dependent on how I am feeling physically. I do not always prioritize based on what he thinks is most important; rather, I focus on what I have energy to get done right now. I do overcommit – but that tends to tie into things that have to be done, and not getting support to make them happen.</p>
<p>My bones to pick with him:
lack of work-life balance
inability to engage in emotionally appropriate ways when there are difficulties</p>
<p>He used to be all about balance. Now he works 60-70 hours/week and checks the crackberry constantly. We don’t eat til 10-11 pm because he wants a family dinner, but he’s not home til then. Brings his work home, physically and mentally. Is ruining his health and does not care. Is in serious denial about my illness and the limitations it puts on me. When life gets tough, he gets controlling. Noone gets his unconditional love or respect.</p>
<p>We do agree on politics, money, travel and childrearing, in large part.</p>
<p>Kei-o-lei
Have the reverse conversations in our house. Must be a gender thing, probably a defect on the same Y chromosome that causes the inability to close a cabinet door or put the toilet seat down.</p>
<p>I confess I have a tendency to yell up and down the stairs (even though we have an intercom system) as thats what my family did growing up. My H can’t hear me so comes to the stairs to remind me he can’t hear me when I yell to him from upstairs.</p>
<p>I have issues with that yelling thing, although my children do it more than my spouse – my kids yell to me and I trudge to wherever they are to find out what is up, since it is a bit difficult to carry on a conversation from one end of the house to the other.</p>
<p>We have the yelling problem in my home, too.</p>
<p>My wife’s voice doesn’t carry, so she’ll yell something from three rooms away that sounds like someone with a mouthful of cheese saying, “Yamma yamma yarra warma waroo?”</p>
<p>I used to get irritated and shout, “I CAN’T HEAR YOU,” but that started fights, so a few years ago I just started ignoring her unless she was actually within reasonable talking distance. Then she started just doing things herself if I didn’t answer.</p>
<p>Dh thinks I should empty the entire dishwasher at once, but I do it while I am waiting for other things (like water to boil, or something to microwave). He’s always, always convinced that dishes in the dishwasher when he comes home are dirty - no matter how manifestly clean they are. I can’t figure out why he can’t look at them. I figure if it’s my job I get to do it my way. (He used to do it all at once and then decided it should be my job - I don’t mind, but I don’t have the same style!)</p>
<p>mathmom, a dishwasher half-unloaded drives me nuts. DH will start to unload, leave the rest for me, and then he and the kids start refilling it with dirties. If he’s not going to fully unload it, just leave it for me or S2 to unload when we get home from work. </p>
<p>We try to run it when we go to bed and unload in the am to have a routine. Of course, DH is the one who makes lunches in the am, so unless I get up and do it, I get to live with whatever happens (or not).</p>
<p>Childrearing - he is more lax and I’m more of a planner. It was tough when D1 was a senior and his health was not great, i.e. he got more irritated easily. The problem is now solved with eating less carbs, he’s less tired.</p>
<p>My kids never put dishes in the dishwasher and dh only does when he comes home from work. He thinks I should put a sign on it, but I can’t remember that!</p>