What is YOUR definition of PROMISCUITY & How do you FEEL about it....

Parent Cafe
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<p>On the CC boards there have been many posts about putting condoms in the pockets of sons when they go out with “just friends” or first dates.</p>

<p>So… what is your definition of PROMISCUITY?</p>

<p>Is your definition different for boys than it is for girls?</p>

<p>Could you quantify your definition with a number of sexual partners that would label someone as being promiscuous? </p>

<p>How about number of partners within one year?</p>

<p>number of partners in a lifetime?</p>

<p>How would you define promiscuity? And, how do you feel about promiscuity and casual “hook ups”? </p>

<p>Do you think a casual attitude about sex will interfere with future marriages?</p>

<p>Do you think that it might interfere with the ability to remain faithful in marriage from lack of development of “self control” (for males, females, either, both)?</p>

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<p>Hmmmm, well, alot depends on the age</p>

<p>I don’t like the casual hookups, blech, but if a woman is 30 it is more tolerable than a girl of 14</p>

<p>with people marrying later and later, to expect someone to remain pure until they marry is unrealistic</p>

<p>sometimes adults go through phases, explore, make some bad decisions, and grow out of it and mature</p>

<p>I mean, if someone had ten sexual partners in one year or even on month, and did some wild stuff for a couple of years, then realized, well, not for me, and slowed down, got some perspective, raised their stanards, what would i say about them…</p>

<p>For me, I know my d will have sex before marriage, and I hope that each “encounter” is in a caring, healthy, loving relationship, and that they are safe, mentally and physically</p>

<p>But, I also know that they, as I did, may not always see the bigger picture and may choose to have sex with the “wrong guy” wrong guy at the time, wrong guy cause of location, wrong guy cause he appeared to be great and was a jerk</p>

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<p>I found this yesterday, and sent to to my Ds email…I find it very powerful and says what I have been teaching my wonderful daughters:</p>

<p>i, the pure, sincerely pledge</p>

<p>I will seek the truth, and I will make my own choices.
I will take full responsibility for my own actions.</p>

<p>I will hold my own informed, intelligent judgment above anyone else’s.</p>

<p>I will hold my own genuine happiness as my highest moral purpose.</p>

<p>I will make every reasonable effort to learn the facts about my biology, psychology, and sexuality.</p>

<p>I will never let any person persuade me to have sex against my own judgment, attraction, or interest.</p>

<p>I will never allow another to control my sexuality or my perception of it.</p>

<p>I will never attempt to control someone else’s sexuality or perception of it.</p>

<p>I will never disvalue or consider impure my own precious body, emotions, or mind.</p>

<p>I will never engage in sexual activity without adequate protection against disease and pregnancy, based on what I have independently learned about the risks.</p>

<p>I will refuse to accept guilt for my natural interest in and admiration of the human body.</p>

<p>I will end my relationship with anyone who abuses me, my mind, my emotions, or my sexuality.</p>

<p>I will never blame mythical beings for my natural human responses, nor thank them for the good that I have created.</p>

<p>I will forgive myself for innocent mistakes, strive honestly to understand why I made them, make amends for damage I have caused myself or others, and work diligently to do better in the future.</p>

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<p>Holding "my own, genuine happiness as my highest moral purpose. . . " sounds a little “me” centered. What about avoiding hurting other people before one needs to “make amends”?</p>

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<p>" I don’t like the casual hookups, blech, but if a woman is 30 it is more tolerable than a girl of 14</p>

<p>with people marrying later and later, to expect someone to remain pure until they marry is unrealistic "</p>

<p>I agree with this, too. Altho I would add that even tho a 30ish woman is usually more responsible than a 15 year old girl, I think that even a 30ish girl who is looking for a commited relationship should avoid “hook ups” because casual sex can prevent a real relationship from developing.</p>

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<p>I don’t have an exact definition of promiscuity. I do believe that casual sex is harmful in many ways and can make it more difficult to remain faithful in marriage. My religion believes in purity before marriage, although I admit I fell short in that area back at a time when I was not as strong in my faith. (Dh and I have been 100% faithful to each other since marriage.)</p>

<p>Both my sons also believe in purity until marriage and have stayed true to their beliefs to this point. Could they fall short? Of course. Would I forgive them? Of course. However, I do believe they will have better lives–physically, emotionally, spiritually–if they stick to these beliefs. Both have seen the awful pain that casual sex can bring–from a friend having a baby at age 16 to a marriage breaking up to a variety of other problems. My younger son recently broke up with his first true girlfriend, and I am certain that the break-up was less painful (and allowed them to remain friends) because there had not been sex involved. Not that it wasn’t still painful, of course, but intimacy just adds complications that are not necessary, especially at this age. I should add that these beliefs are not ones that have been imposed upon them with authoritarian rigor, (though we did, of course, teach them what we believe to be right) but beliefs that they have freely chosen as they have grown up.</p>

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<p>Research has shown that this holds true. I have also seen it hold true anecdotally. My son and his GF broke up and remain “good friends”. I don’t think that they would have been able to do this if they had been sexually active – sex changes everything. </p>

<p>Also, having sex early in a relationship “freezes” the relationship – prevents it from maturing. Instead of spending time talking and exploring each others values, ideas, etc, much of the couple’s time is spent naked. Their dating relationship quickly goes from: dinner and talking TO a movie and sex TO watching TV and sex.</p>

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<p>What “research”, JLauer? </p>

<p>Your observations and conclusions aren’t at all consistent with my personal experience.</p>

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<p>Also curious about the “research”, jlauer. I’ve counselled teens and young adults for most of my professional career as well as having four Ds, and I have not seen what you describe to be the case in most instances. Also disagree with your assertion that having sex early in a relationship “prevents it from maturing”. Look forward to seeing this research!</p>

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<p>i’d say a large majority of high school relationships are exactly as jlauer just stated.</p>

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<p>Definition different for boys than it is for girls? No</p>

<p>Could you quantify your definition with a number of sexual partners that would label someone as being promiscuous? No - although there are extremes (like Elvis - over 1000)</p>

<p>number of partners within one year? At 14, zero is good, at 25, depends on the year - if the year after marriage, best if it were ONE </p>

<p>number of partners in a lifetime? Depends on the lifetime (you KNEW someone would have to say that) - if you’re a priest or a nun, after you enter the order the number should be zero. If you’re a rock star with people throwing themselves at you, the number would likely be different.</p>

<p>How would you define promiscuity? Not by numbers but by attitudes: A belief that casual sex is fine and dandy, that more is better, no strings attached is the watchword, and a willingness to say (more or less) “lie down, stranger, I want your body.” </p>

<p>And, how do you feel about promiscuity and casual “hook ups”? Depends on the person - some/many individuals are strongly interested in sex, but if their interest leads to an over-emphasis on it or preoccupation with it to the exclusion of other components of a balanced life, it becomes a problem. I think the casual hookups are quite common in college, and occasionally it is not a problem for the student, but if that is the only form that their sexual relationships take for some time, then it may confuse their ‘relationship intelligence’ and make it more difficult for them to integrate the emotional component of a more bonded, deeper relationship. Habits of shallow interaction - bifurcation of physical and emotional aspects.</p>

<p>Do you think a casual attitude about sex will interfere with future marriages? Same as above - if overdone and an ingrained pattern, it might.</p>

<p>Do you think that it might interfere with the ability to remain faithful in marriage from lack of development of “self control” (for males, females, either, both)? I do not think that ‘self-control’ is like muscular development, where you have to build up the potential to lift larger weights. Sexual self-control, IMO, is a matter of determining that your best interests are served by placing the mind’s attention elsewhere - igniting the will, in other words. In a mutually faithful marriage, it is simply necessary to find the mental “Off Switch” in your own mind such that sexual activity outside of the marriage becomes taboo - unthinkable - not part of your identity in any way.</p>

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<p>As well, and something no one has brought up, what is SEX, in terms of this discussion, some kids think anal and oral sex is not sex, and fondling each other is not sex</p>

<p>If we are talking soley about vaginal intercourse, sure some kids stay “pure” a long time, but if you include everything else, the # of kids having sex increases</p>

<p>Many kids think oral sex is not sex, so say, nope, not having sex, but the emotional, physical, and social ramifications are the same</p>

<p>So, if what is sex…and when a boy or girl says they are not having it, how do the mean it</p>

<p>And what is abstinance, is it abstainig from intercourse, or no touching, no what?</p>

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<p>I’ve never really asked my boys in such detail. However, recently my younger son (just finished freshman year of college) was talking to me about his definition of what was OK before marriage. It included kissing and hugging, but not a lot beyond that. So I think he would be considered “pure” by pretty much all definitions.</p>

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<p>I am really curious about the research showing that purity pledges, etc, work, while a Harvard study shows that at least half break the pledges, and many of those kids do not practice safe sex</p>

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<p>CGM: “what is sex?”</p>

<p>good question! </p>

<p>You’re right that some don’t think that oral or anal sex is sex. don’t know why they think that. On an earlier thread, one dad expressed concern that teen girls were being “used” for oral sex. He may have had insight from his D and her friends. </p>

<p>I think it’s fair to define things that lead to orgasm as “sex” – do others agree to that?</p>

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<p><a href=“Detroit Local News - Michigan News - Breaking News - detroitnews.com”>Detroit Local News - Michigan News - Breaking News - detroitnews.com;

<p>*</p>

<p>Does signing a virginity pledge after you have had sex make you a virgin again?
It hardly seems likely. But how else to explain a study in which teenagers who said they had had sex in one survey then signed a pledge and told a different story in a survey a year later?
The study, which appears in the June issue of the American Journal of Public Health, was based on surveys by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development involving more than 13,000 students in grades seven to 12.
The students were questioned twice, a year apart.
Students type answers
The most delicate questions were given through headphones, and the students typed their answers into a computer.
Among the questions students were asked: “Have you taken a public or written pledge to remain a virgin until marriage?” They were also asked if they had had sexual intercourse.
In the first survey, about 13 percent of the students said they had taken a pledge of virginity. In the second survey, the study found, more than half of that group denied having taken one.
Those who reported having sexual relations for the first time in the second survey were three times as likely to retract a virginity pledge as those who did report having had sex then.
About a third of the students said in the first survey that they had had sex, but about 10 percent of them denied it when asked the second time.
Those who had newly made a pledge were four times as likely to retract reports of sexual activity.
Why did so many students change their stories? “We can’t really get inside their heads and know what they’re thinking,” said the study’s author, Janet Rosenbaum, a doctoral student at the Harvard School of Public Health.
But the study raises questions about how much reliance should be placed on surveys about sexual activity among teenagers, and how accurately experts can measure the results of programs that encourage them to abstain from sex to avoid pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.
Reconciling beliefs
“Survey respondents typically reconcile their memories with their present beliefs,” the study said. “Respondents may recall only memories consistent with their current beliefs or report actions that did not occur but are consistent with their current beliefs.”
Such behavior is not unheard of when it comes to surveys. Studies have found, for example, that people who tell survey takers before an election that it is important to vote are more likely to claim falsely later that they did.
But there is a big difference between what happens in the voting booth and what happens in the bedroom or the car.
“Self-reported voting can be verified with official voting records,” Rosenbaum wrote, “but self-reported sexual abstinence cannot.”
Apart from what it says about the reliability of the pledges and abstinence programs, the study also raises concerns about whether they may make tracking sexually transmitted diseases harder to do.
“I think all of this has public health implications, particularly with respect to STDs, insofar as we are not getting a clear picture from teens’ own report of their sexual activity,” said Cynthia Dailard of the Guttmacher Institute, a research and advocacy group that studies reproductive rights</p>

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<p>Professor Janet Smith has spent her entire professional career researching and lecturing on pre-marital sex and its affects on girls, boys, relationships, etc.</p>

<p>Once a relationship becomes sexual, it becomes more difficult for a female to "leave’ a bad relationship.</p>

<p>when sex occurs early in a relationship (before the couple really “knows” each other) sex interferes with the development of the relationship.</p>

<p>the “pursuit” of sex encourages dishonesty. Studies have shown that males admit that they will lie if they think that the lie will increase their chances of getting sex.</p>

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<p>LOL Decades ago, my generation used to say if you hadn’t had sex in a month you were a virgin again.</p>

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<p>I’ve done alot of thinking about this. My kids know my feelings about things, but I have come to the conclusion that whatever I think doesn’t matter in the long run. What matters is how my kids generation feels about it. I may think they are promiscuous, look trashy in tattoos and multiple piercing, etc. but they will live their lives looking to their peers to define what is acceptable. I can only HOPE they recognize the negative consequences of certain behaviors.</p>

<p>I’m not entirely convinced sex makes breakups harder either. My own experiences defy this. The heartbreak of my life was with a man I never slept with and the fact that we never did made the whole thing harder, since it felt like the relationship was ‘incomplete’ somehow…never got to play out. We both felt cheated and it intensified the animosity between us. On the other hand I was able to stay friendly (if not exactly ‘friends’) with a casual lover for a couple years before I got married.</p>

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<p>Along with the research, I can say that anecdotally the theory holds true. </p>

<p>How many of us know women who thought a “new relationship” was going well, so they agreed to have sex, only to have the males’ interest in them flounder shortly thereafter. Personally, I can name at least 25 female friends that this happened to. Simply by learning to say “no” longer (and allowing a deeper relationship and commitment to develop) began making a huge difference with these women. </p>

<p>Recent anecdote. My cute and intellgent niece, who got married a week ago at age 34, never thought a relationship would EVER get to the point of marriage – and she wanted to get married and have kids. I told her to stop sleeping with guys so soon!!! FINALLY, she took auntie’s advice…she’s on her honeymoon now.</p>