^^there is hope!!! 
So far not much support is needed. I have made suggestions as to where to look for textbooks in order to find the best prices but the legwork was left up to her. I have paid lab fees. And we are looking into purchasing a plane ticket to fly her home for Thanksgiving. We also pay for her prescriptions. Thatâs about it.
I bought my son a very, very loud alarm clock and before he left for school I printed out a handful of things that he asked me to (our printer at home was broken and we didnât want to open and set up the new one). Oh, and we processed some papers with regard to his new bank account and some athletic forms because he is still a minor. He did run a potential topic for a paper by me, but I see nothing wrong with that. My older daughter is somewhat directionally challenged, as am I, so through all of her college and graduate school and even now that she is working, she would and did call me and ask âhow do I get to . . .â Since she graduated with high honors, money in the bank and stellar job experience, I think that one was ok!
@halcyonheather, your point about the credit card is a good one. Because there are fewer legal protections on a debit card, my kids were both added to my credit card when they went to college with strict instructions on how it was to be used. They paid me back for items they were supposed to cover (books, for example). Neither has ever put a toe out of line on appropriate use.
Your support may be needed to inform your child about issues that the child may not be aware of. Often, parents handle things without the kid realizing whatâs going on, and whatâs obvious to you may not be obvious to your child.
For example, when my sister was in college, one year a friend of hers ended up spending Christmas at our house (sleeping on the living room couch), and he flew home on the 26th. Home was the Virgin Islands. Nobody had warned this kid that if you live in a resort area, you need to get your plane tickets home for the holidays way in advance. So he missed Christmas with his family that year.
With each child we learned a little bit more. Allowing the college student to have a credit card (be an authorized user) on our account was great. They used it for purchases like train/plane/bus tickets home and textbooks. My kids were all bargain hunters and seemed to like finding the best deals for whatever, including textbooks. They bought from the college bookstore, Amazon, half.com or from another classmate, depending on where they could get the best price. We paid for the books, but didnât directly buy them. We did not pay for any college entertainment, clothes or food off campus - thatâs why they worked summer jobs. Once they moved off campus, we did give them the same amount of money that we had been paying for the dining hall. Thereâs a learning curve to letting go, but the sooner the better.
Like other posters, we didnât help with homework at all. We hardly had input into choosing classes. Laundry was probably where I got the most questions, even though we had gone over that at home before they left.
I bought the kids books first semester freshman year before they got to class. They were available for pick up at the bookstore. They were both a bit overwhelmed with the transition, I wanted for my own sake to know they were at least prepared for classes. But I also took them grocery shopping, bed bath and beyond so I knew their dorms were comfortable and set up as well. Both went off and found the buildings and rooms their classes were in before the first day. I had to explain the meal plan to my son, he didnât quite get the dining dollars being used in the cafeteria vs the fast food restaurants at the student union. During a registration tour they had a washer/dryer on display and we just made sure he knew how to work it as it wasnât a fancy one like he was used to at home.
Itâs a transition for mom too sometimes. After the first few weeks they were both fine. They both buy their own books now after classes start.
Yes, I did make our kids authorized users on a CCard that had a lower limit that they could use for books, car or air emergency, etc. it gave me peace of mind and they were always very responsible with it.
I authorized D2 on the same credit card that I have for D1. Emergencies, books, etc. She used it once at home, then I watched her use it in the bookstore. I know she used it yesterday in the bookstore because I have it set up for alerts when there are posted charges.
She made the list of needed books and D1 ordered them for her from Amazon as D2 was a camp counselor this summer and little to no access to internet. Same for registering for classesâher assigned time was mid-week and she was at camp. She made the list; D1 registered her.
D2 is a young freshman and not too mature, so I expect to provide a little more guidance in the first few months than I did for her sibs. But homework? Nope.
At move-in, I âhelpedâ her learn to open her school mailbox (she has fine motor, sensory issues), she put money on her laundry card, and we looked at the laundry washer and dryer. Much fancier than what we have at home, so she took notes.
@My mom helps me get my books because the bookstore requires a credit card for rentals and I donât have one. (Same thing with ordering online.) Is that uncommon?"
Why not just have your parent give you the cc number so you can order yourself?
The one area I did do for them was ordering plane tix back home for Thanksgiving, Xmas. These were my miles or my $ and I wasnât willing to just have them go purchase some ticket for $800 when I can get it for a lot better.
I would think travel plans are something a lot of parents handle, certainly the first year or two.
We somehow didnât think to authorize our son on one of our CCs at first. But he still bought his own books. We just transferred money to reimburse him, since we agreed to pay for the books. Second semester he just had a card on one of our accounts, and we gave D one as well. S has used his card for a couple of other things that we agreed to pay for and has never used it for anything else. So far, D has only had a couple of charges at the bookstore.
I advised D to wait on books until class started, and she always does. A couple of times she has found a book is unnecessary or that the previous edition will work (or it wonât, sheâs also had that experience). I have ordered them for her, she has ordered/bought her own, it just depends. I donât think helping with books buying is something to shame a parent over or tell them itâs helicoptering, honestly.
Travel is something I did most of for D as a first year, she did some, now she handles it all as a second year.
As for credit cards, D has a Visa debit card attached to her bank account, has since she was about 16. Those work just fine for buying things online or anywhere. I do have our bank accounts linked so I can transfer money to hers if she needs it.
I donât help with homework, didnât do that in HS either. However, sheâs sent me a draft of an essay or application for summer internship, that kind of thing, and asked me for comments.
Beyond that the support I gave was advice when asked, comfort when warranted, and the occasional care package 
D has had to buy very few books as almost everything is online. The few books she has needed I paid for. Never gave her any academic or homework support with the exception of words of encouragement when she hit a bump in the road with a physics course that probably was too advanced for her freshman year. Told her she could get a tutor if she needed one but she established a great relationship with the TA and he really helped her through the rough patch.
She does have a joint credit card with me and her freshman year I did give her a monthly allowance because her summer earnings were minimal. That will cease this year as she held a great job this summer that paid her well. She is not responsible for travel expenses to come home and I will book that simply because I will usually use miles.
Oh yea, I have made travel reservations for the college students, since itâs my $$$ and I want to have some influence on dates and prices.
With all this said, this doesnât mean that I donât ever do their laundry at home, or ever look over a paper for a second opinion, or ever help them look up and get info on a purchase they want to make. Like us, there are times they are overwhelmed and stressed - and like us, they appreciate a person they are comfortable with helping them out.
Be happy to do it. But be confident that they CAN do these things themselves and usually do. And they wonât know they can do it - until they do it!!! (order books, do laundry, hand in a paper reviewed and edited by them).
For me, sending them off for freshman year doesnât mean âthatâs it! hands off forever!â - thatâs not who I am. But part of the deal of getting educated in school is getting educated in life.
I think there is a wide range of things parents still do for children. I have two with very different skills, so I do different things for each of them. This morning, one woke me up asking about how to buy curtains for her room (probably because the sun had woken her up and she was mad she could have slept in). For her, it is non-school things I usually am asked to help with - a recipe, how to use coupons at Macyâs, what should she do about xyz.
I donât think thereâs anything wrong with helping in any way you can. My sister (61) calls my mother (81) all the time asking how to do this or that, where to buy something, how to grow something or get a stain out. I iron things for my kids because Iâm better at it than they are. Someday theyâll have to learn, but if I can do it, why not?
^^^Why learn to iron, buy curtains, get stains out - overall - if mom will just do it (better)??? Itâs about them problem solving to be able to do it on their own. So, calling to get a difficult stain out? No problem. Calling to find out how to get every stain out and maybe even having you get the stain out? - that is something adult âchildrenâ can and should take care of themselves.
Since I live 2000 miles away from that child, itâs not like I can do more than just talk her through it. My very helpful advice this morning on which curtains to buy was âI donât know.â Parents are complaining on other threads that their kids never call. Mine call. What is it that everyone wants their kids to call about if it isnât which curtains to buy?
I help my other daughter with her schedule because, when I didnât, she took classes suggested by her adviser that didnât meet the core requirements. That costs ME money if she has to go to college for another semester, so Iâm going to be involved. She has, as I said, a planning and organization issue an we could get her special accommodations and disability services, or I can just help her with something that happens twice a year, school registration.
OP - I remind DS to get his flu shot every fall. Would he remember on his own? I donât know but I feel better that he gets it. The college your son is at may have days where they mass vaccinate kids.
To me itâs a slope, not a cliff, toward independence. Every situation, child and parent different. I helped with books the first time, but suspect she will be more confident to do on her own next time. She hasnât asked for my help with homework. She makes her own travel arrangements. I find she leans on me most for financial and emotional support, and occasional concierge services. I still call my mom for support with silly things and Iâm a well-adjusted, independent adult.