Yes, I also remind (pester, in fact) about flu shots. Older kid has taken to letting me know when she has had it to head off a fall reminder text. 
I remind my kids about flu shots - and they go to Hās office to get them. Just a few days ago my D was asking us if she should pay her homeowners insurance yearly or monthly - we told her that she might also be able to do so quarterly (like we do) or twice a year but whatever suited her budgeting. I donāt mind being a resource.
We also helped our kids set up Roth IRAs as soon as they had earned income and contributed the full amount they earned into the account the first year. They have been adding to it. We definitely continue to be resources to our kids and they are rrmesources to us.
@twicearound , āconcierge servicesā Yes, thatās what I do sometimes, not now so much since they have their own schedules and itās their own money. But, even with my husband if we need to book a flight, both of us will get on-line and look through different flight engine searches, different airports, different days and times, etc. The tricky thing when my kids were in college was that their departure time could be different than what was listed or they needed to get to the airport/train/bus on someone elseās schedule. One year my son waited too long to book his transportation back from his Thanksgiving break and had to leave a day earlier when the train and bus sold out. He never did that again!
Once my daughter needed to come home for a break and her good friend, who she often caught rides with, couldnāt decide if she was going to drive or fly home. Flight prices were rising and I told my daughter we needed to book a flight right then. We did and a week later, the friend then begged my daughter to drive back east with her. We said okay, but the friend had to pay something towards the ticket. I donāt remember all the details, but the friend did and they remained very good friends.
Iāve always been curious about this type of situation. I get it that she has āa planning and organization issue.ā So ā¦ this is a serious question, not a criticism. How does an individual with a planning and organization issue handle the workplace? I know that the student could get accommodations in school and help from parents, siblings, or friends in non-employment areas of life. So, what happens a) when itās time to look for a job, and b) work in a professional job?
S handled getting his own books, but I try to make helpful suggestions, like maybe you could get them on Amazon, or rent them, for less. He is NOT naturally frugal and while I try to make him live with the consequences of spending all his money too fast, I also want to take opportunities to remind him that there may be lower cost options. I also book his travel because itās my money and heād just pick a the best flight regardless of cost. (āBut, mom, it was all I could find!ā)
I have tried to teach him, since he was small, that money doesnāt grow on trees, and heās experienced lean times with both his own money and as a family situation, but for some reason, when he has a little extra money, his inclination is to spend it, rather than save. So thatās still a work-in-progress (and he is getting better). He earned some money last summer, and now has to budget for food and other expenses abroad, and will have to budget for food and rent starting in January. Weāll see how that goes. I have to keep an eye on it because I had to co-sign the lease. So I just ask him periodically to tell me whatās in his bank account. Helicoptering or fiscal self-interest?
I never did or helped with homework, though when my niece was struggling with college physics, my sister helped her to find and use some online resources to figure out the concepts, and in that situation, I think it was appropriate (given the people, and how it was done, and the specific problems she had with the textbook and professor; this is a young woman who will not hesitate to seek out help on her own, talk with her profs, go to office hours, etc., but this was an odd situation).
Basically I try to help when asked, mainly by pointing out resources (places to look for jobs, to look on Craigslist or bulletin boards to find a summer sublet, etc.); once or twice heās called with a specific problem (needing warranty info for the computer we got him as a graduation present, when it broke down; asking if I could point him in the right direction to get an absentee ballot; asking me to help him make a list of things to do to prepare for his trip).
Sheās had several jobs, and she shows up when they tell her to and does the work assigned. I assume when she has a professional job, it will be from 8-5 so that schedule will be pretty easy for her to follow. I doubt sheāll ever be in charge of making up the schedule for the coffee shop or McDonalds. Scheduling is not her strength.
Her problem in making a schedule for college is in āmappingā all the courses to come up with a good schedule. She doesnāt visualize the week as a block of time that can be used efficiently or inefficiently. Her first semester schedule was set by her major but she could take two non-major courses. The adviser knew that two courses fit in the schedule, Western Civ and Psychology 101 so without looking at the individual studentās needs, suggests those two classes for all his advisees. I thought sheād be better off taking the first required writing (core) course as it is a pre-req for a lot of other courses she wants to take. Western Civ was her only class on Friday, so sheād have just one course at 4 pm (anyone I mentioned this to was shocked they even had a class that met that late on Friday afternoon and her adviser didnāt care if it was inconvenient, he knew it worked in her schedule). I found an English course that was also MWF and was able to move the Western Civ discussion group to earlier on Friday, right after English. My daughter would never have questioned the adviser or the schedule that had just one course late on a Friday. She would have accepted the schedule and after 3 or 4 weeks realized she hated that 4 pm on Friday discussion group.
My first semester freshman year, I signed up for 8 am classes every day. Iād always gone to school at 8 am, so what was the big deal? Of course Iād always gone to bed at 10 pm too. Getting up for an 8 am after going to bed at 3 am wasnāt so easy. I learned.
Her issues are because of trauma at birth, but she was good at compensating when she was younger. Sometimes it is as easy as making a checklist - ātake your pencil and book to math classā - but other times it takes more. Some of her learning differences have become more noticeable as sheās gotten older and she canāt always compensate without help, so I help. We work on issues as they arise. She never had to build a school schedule before she was a freshman, just followed the 8-3 schedule the high school gave her. I didnāt know it was a problem until she started college. She could sign up for services at the disability office, but itās not that big a deal for her to discuss it with me, and weāre both happy with that solution. She talks to advisers, then we talk it over. Sheās made mistakes and theyāve cost her a scholarship, so Iām not too excited about not being involved.
I donāt agree that every college freshman has to take responsibility for everything on day one. They are overwhelmed. They are nervous. Most have never managed their finances, food, sleep, and medical needs all day, every day. Some are living in a different climate and may not know how to keep dry or hydrated or fed. If I can help with something as simple as buying a book or filling out a medical form, why not do it? My kids are pretty independent. I was a single mother and they are used to doing their own laundry and making meals and arranging their social lives, but itās no big deal if I help.
The OP asked what help is given, and after the typical CC attack, the posts have revealed that help is given with obtaining books, transportation arrangements, financial aid forms, medical forms and decisions, homework (essay editing and review), reminders for flu shots. Not so different than what OP said sheās doing for a new freshman.
We never really helped with homework but we did assist with making sure all the tasks were checked off the list as completed until the 3rd grade. After that it was just the occasional checking the online portal to make sure DC was allocating enough time between ECs and academics (no missed assignments, reasonable grades, etc). We have house rules about academics come first. There will be no such help for college.
I have helped with making appointments since DCās HS schedule did not allow him phone access during business hours for barbershop, dentist, physicals, etc and when those appointments required my presence as well or he was also driving his younger sibling. Now that he is at college, there may still be some of that to do to ensure appointments during breaks.
I will be providing transportation for visits home freshman year since DC has no car on campus. That likely impacts my workday on either end of a trip so those dates and times have to be mutually agreed upon. DC has to finance insurance, maintenance, etc to have a car on campus in later years so we will see how that works out. We have paid to maintain the car available to DC thus far but it may not be in good enough condition to do the college round trip reliablyāespecially in bad weather. We MIGHT be willing to co-sign on a loan to buy a more reliable car but only if he has worked over the summer and saved a certain sum towards the payments.
Is anyone here really not supporting their children in college? Weāre all here supporting virtual strangers with things they could do or figure out on their own, too. Not purchasing their books, but some are helping them make lists of schools to apply to, choose essay topics (even edit essays), figure out how FA works, etc. It seems to me the type of parent who would stick around here might also be the type to provide that little extra support to their own. Not helicoptering or disabling support, which is probably what most of us are trying to avoid (and/or the appearance thereof).
wow, @zoosermom! Is your son at college already? Wasnāt he just 13?
Congrats!
D1 told me the most challenging thing about being college was to be responsible for everything. Even though she was quite organized in high school, we were always around to remind her from time to time on what she needed to (forms for school, calling family members, paying certain bills, etc). It took her few months to get her act together. She felt like she was constantly forgetting things.
Two weeks since school started, son made a few requests. Other than asking where books and problem sets were, he asked why food was expensive. He rarely spent money when heās home. The twenty dollars grandma gave him can last a whole year in the past. He asked how much he should be spending on the food. I really wish school does āAll you can eatā buffet. As a growing person, he can really eat a lot. Just yesterday he said he really needs more snack. He is the kind of person getting up late and skipping breakfast. So I sent Amazon a big order.
Btw, he has no credit card but figured out PayPal as a way of paying for online purchases.
As for hw, we donāt check his hw literally. But we are open to help. He is in a honor level proof based math class, which is totally different from high school computational based math. He is quite lost at the moment. He has not found his group and has schedule conflict with office hours. So naturally he asked us for help. He needs explanation for a few examples and he knows dadās good at math.
We are hoping he has a plan for his day and donāt cram everything at the last minute like in high school. We also advised him to switch to a regular math class before the deadline.
It seems he spent his Saturday on some hw and laundry. No football.
Seems to me that if the kid is using mom and dadās credit card account with their own authorized card, mom and dad are still paying for the books or airline tickets, so I donāt get the big deal if mom or dad do the buying directly with kiddoās input. D and I looked at the books required and compared cost, then because most were rentals, dad charged them on his card (for the airlines miles) and the money came out of her account set up for her college expenses.
Since weāre the ones paying for air travel, weāre the ones charging the trips, though D gave us the dates and times sheād want to/could fly. She had already looked at the options-itās really not that hard to do a search. Not going to let ehr overspend our money though if she skipped an airline to check. Too expensive a ālessonā.
I donāt think either of these rob our kids of being self-sufficient. D has a debit charge card and routinely orders from Amazon and other sites. She has checks and knows how to write them, though I canāt imagine a reason sheād need to. She knows how to do laundry, knows how to menu plan and shop for deals (though sheās been shocked at how expensive food is). She knows how to make appointments, has handled changing majors (within the same general subject of education), adding/dropping classes, meeting with profs, negotiating public transportation and locating walking-distance places, mapping driving routes and so much more. I figure she wonāt suffer from helicoptering if we work with her on the book and travel research and purchases.
My two older kids have figured things out as they go along-each has different strengths and weaknesses. S can fix his own car or anyone elseās while his sister doesnāt even drive. SHE can cook all manner of things and works in a restaurant, while HE is happy opening a can of something. Same with our college kiddos. Theyāll figure things out, even if we buy their books.
I donāt even know how to find out what books are required/recommended for Sās classes. In fact, it was just this week that I got S to send me his schedule and list of classes. Things were up in the air until then.
I do pay for books, but that is easy enough to do as I transfer money into his account to cover the cost.
At Dās small school the bookstore offers online purchase and you look at the classes and it lists the books. This only works because each class has only one or 2 sections and itās easy to to tell which one students are in. We started from there and then looked around at other sites. The only hiccup was a Spanish class that was cancelled after the book was rented and the addition of another class, but I got that book so cheaply on Half.com there was little hassle. Again, since D is committed to renting where practical and possible, we use our CC. If she wanted to buy outright using her debit for any of the books, weād be fine with that.
Mominva, thank you! Yes, he is in college. Yesterday he was four. He is fortunate in that he can ask his sisters for advice about college stuff and they give it. It was much tougher for the oldest because she was first generation. I think the logistics of college are much tougher for those kids and their families and might require more collaboration than kids whose families have a history of college. There are all sorts of pitfalls for them that kids who grew up hearing about the ins and outs of college donāt experience. Thus far my son has had one tiny issue at college involving a requirement in a syllabus that was ambiguous to him, me, both sisters and a professor friend. The life lesson there was that professors are happy to answer proactive questions and donāt bite.
I am finding all of the judgement about buying books weird. Especially from people who make travel arrangements. Since all the money is coming out of my pocket or savings, I have no problem helping with either of those things if necessary.
I have not helped with homework in years but I have assisted friendsā kids with accounting homework. I am a CPA and no one I know should feel afraid to ask me for help with accounting homework least of all my own kid. I am pretty good at explaining what some professors are not. Part of being an adult is asking for help when you need it.
Naturally, on cc there are posters who note that their kids have been arranging their own air travel, schedule, and stock portfolio since they were 4 or even 2. For the rest of us folks there are often times when our kids ask for help. Sometimes they truly donāt know how to do stuff, sometimes they should be asking before they buy due to price etc., sometimes they are lazy (oh horrors) or sometimes they just need emotional support. Just because they now sleep at college doesnāt mean they have your 40 or 50 or more years of experience in life and will mostly do the right thing. I know that even with my decades of experience, I donāt always do the right thing. I also know that my kid can show me things that I donāt know how to do (like uber), and knows all the latest internet websites, most of which I will never use.Sometimes your kid away from home and āon their ownā wants emotional support and asking mom or dad to help with something is a small way to be supportive. If your kids need to know how to do something, then showing them is a good idea. I am not a big fan of telling my kid to ask someone at school unless it is something that they would know better than I do (which may be the case or not.) Even though I may have helped along the way, my kid figured out how to do plenty of things that I donāt know how to do.
We work together as a family. My H has never made the plane reservations on line, but if he had to, I am sure he could figure it out, as could my D. I make medical appointments for H. Perhaps he is not grown up either by some peopleās definitions. I like to have someone to confer with about some medical things, wouldnāt your kids feel the same?
One thing about college assignments - I do believe that many of these are meant to be done by the student alone unless they are group projects. If the student doesnāt understand what to do they should seek help from the professor, instructor, teaching assistant, help center etc. to make sure that the work done meets the professor or collegeās requirements for the assignment. If you are allowed to ask help from outside sources, then it is ususally specified, or can be easily ascertained. One thing not to do is have outside help if it is not permitted.