What Makes People "Grass is Always Greener," "Glass is Half Empty" Folks?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Thanks for these insights. I guess it is somewhat reinforcing if we gravitate toward people who share our general world view–half empty or half full. I am glad H & I are both half full and we’ve managed to raise kids who are similar. We are “realistic optimists,” I’d say. Definitely we can see things that aren’t perfect but DO see a lot of positives and are grateful for things that are and do go right in our lives and the lives of those near and dear.</p>

<p>I find it tiring to spend a lot of time around doom and gloom people and those who are always harping about how others have an easier life than they do. To me, it feels like a lot of negative energy that I don’t enjoy being around. I limit my time around people that drain me–seems a matter of self-preservation.</p>

<p>I guess I just feel that instead of harping, if a bit more energy could be put into improving things that can be improved and be happy with the good things that ARE In their lives, they could be happier. </p>

<p>Guess it’s like the two kids who got horse poop for Christmas. One was upset and the other was looking for the pony that surely must accompany it. I’d rather look for the pony or find a way to use the poop as fertilizer.</p>

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<p>((( @KKmama )))</p>

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<p>“Guess it’s like the two kids who got horse poop for Christmas. One was upset and the other was looking for the pony that surely must accompany it.”</p>

<p>I almost shared that old pulpit story in my last post. </p>

<p>A psychologist was trying to figure out why two brothers had such different attitudes, with one being a pessimist and the other an optimist. He put the pessimist into a room filled with toys and games and treats, and the boy began to cry. He didn’t know what to play with first. He then took the optimist and put him into a room filled with horse manure - top to bottom. The boy began to gleefully run around saying: “There must be a horse here somewhere!”.</p>

<p>Scholarme: Thanks, but I do okay. The churches I work with and home health clients always ask how I can always be so optimistic. I’m not anonymous with them, so they don’t see my downside.</p>

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<p>KKmama, so glad you have turned out and are optimistic, in spite of your VERY rough start in life. I know several others who were expected to die as infants. They are very nice and pretty optimistic seniors at this point in their lives. OK, sorry I got the pulpit story wrong–yours is better than mine.</p>

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<p>KKmama, that’s good to hear, because that was a heartbreaking story.
All can say is that you must be a born survivor! </p>

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<p>I was thinking about this very subject doing dishes last night. My SO is a glass half full guy and I am a “realist” (ahem).</p>

<p>I do think my hard childhood plays a part in that “realism” because promises and hopes were so often dashed or broken that expecting them seemed like asking for trouble. </p>

<p>That said, I wonder if there is a connection to the locus of control. While my SO is an optimist he tends to have an external locus of control (things happen to him) whereas I think I can control for most everything. I tend to get less upset over minor things that happen whereas he takes them personally. Car cuts you off…he thinks drivers in this town are jerks/or someone is screwing him (that is putting it too harshly but you know what I mean), whereas I am more “they must be in a hurry, probably sick kid or something.” </p>

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<p>I think genetics play a good part in our personalities. Half glass empty folks just have to consciously work hard to see that glass as have full.</p>

<p>With advancing age and a better idea of whats really important I am beginning to see that glass as overflowing.</p>

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<p>I agree that it has something to do with a sense of control. </p>

<p>I used to be a big worrier, and my husband would remind me that “85% of the stuff people worry about never happens”. I would reply that that was WHY I worried - to prevent it from happening.</p>

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<p>I have attributes of both. I teach at a community college and many of my studentes face incredible challenges with learning, finances, health, etc. I often go home feeling so lucky & blessed. On the other hand, most of my IRL long term friends don’t work and live lives that are much more financially comfortable than mine. Sometimes when one of my good friends is off on a 3 week journey to Florida in the dead of winter or something similar, I have a little pity party. I think some of it is just perspective or at least it is for me.</p>

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<p>I’m both. In the morning, I’m half-empty kind of person. After lunch till nighttime, I’m half-full kind of person. I think it’s also genetics. In most days you can’ t keep me having a good time. But I do have some down time, more like 20% half-empty and 80% half-full person all the time. Which technically a 1/5 half-empty and that makes me 1/10 empty. How’s that for an exact break down?</p>

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<p>My first job out of college had a senior engineer who was a doom-and-gloom type. It took a while, but I realized just how contagious that can be. I quit after 1 1/2 years and went to work for a small Wall Street investment firm. Amoral behavior, it seems, is also contagious. Happily went back to engineering.</p>

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<p>^^^ That’s why I think it’s largely nurture. If I’m around grumpy people, I’m more like to be grumpy. Same holds true for happy people. I’m trying to make dh a happier person while not getting grumpy myself.</p>

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<p>There was a study (or maybe a “study”) about how on social media you can be negatively impacted or weighed down by people several layers out (friends of friends) bad news/medical problems (“my nephew has been diagnosed with cancer…”)etc but the reverse isn’t true…you don’t get happy because a friend of a friend had good news. </p>

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<p>I think the contagious mood thing is probably at least partly due to pheromones & stuff. </p>

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<p>Hi HImom – I greatly admire your attitude, which comes through not only on this post but also in your other thoughtful, generous posts on this site. Would you mind if I raised one question for discussion’s sake? I think it is FABULOUS that you’ve kept your upbeat attitude despite the health problems of your kids, which sound like they are very significant and serious. Do you see a tension between keeping things positive and acknowledging the depths of their suffering to THEM? I ask because my sister had an extremely traumatic event happen to her as a child. My mom wanted to keep things upbeat and never really acknowledged the seriousness of the situation. My sister is now 47 and it irks her to no end to hear my mom say how blessed we’ve been throughout our lives, etc. She feels as if her own trauma is unacknowledged. I DO NOT think this is happening with you, since you mention your children’s illnesses forthrightly. But I wonder how you keep that balance with them – acknowledging their struggle but reflecting simultaneously on your family’s blessings. </p>

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<p>My son’s illness is serious, but one thing that has helped him is to volunteer at a local food pantry. He realizes that he is pretty fortunate to live in a stable household and have a strong safety net in place. We acknowledge that his illness is a big struggle, but encourage him to do his best under the circumstances. We tell him often how proud of him we are .</p>

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<p>I think it is mostly nature. My kids still have the same patterns of default reactions to things that they has as infants/toddlers. I love that my DH is a half full person. He is the eternal optimist. It drives me crazy now and then but that is his default setting. Kid #1 is a born pragmatist and kid #2 is a jam side up Mr. Sunshine optimist. My default is towards the half empty side though I fight it. I’m not a full blown Eeyore by any stretch but I"m more of a worrier than I’d like to be.</p>

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<p>Thanks for your kind words @nottelling. Without being Pollyanna, am just trying to share as many have generously shared with me. The glass half empty has always puzzled me, especially for folks who have what appears to be a pretty nice life. </p>

<p>The kids and I are and were going thru serious health challenges at the same time–from around 2000 thru today. Mine will persist and progress until I die, unless some marvelous breakthrough happens (that is currently not even anywhere near the horizon). </p>

<p>We have all empathized with one another, been sad at how much of social life and unremitting exhaustion both kids suffered. We were there for and with them. They and we still know kids who have it much worse. We flew our kids to clinics in Denver and NY for evaluations, where they met MANY kids in far worse shape. We bought video games to amuse our kids and left it for the med center for other kids. </p>

<p>Our kids were grateful they had each other and that H and I really seemed to get it and were always in their corner, with HS administration (who was unhappy with us and them about the frequent and prolonged absences), with docs and counselors who sadly didn’t get it, with family members who didn’t get it. </p>

<p>We cultivated an attitudes of gratitude as much as we could because I and they felt not much was to be gained by pity parties. To this day, D’s friends ask her when she’s feeling poorly if she’s REALLY ill or just having her “typical flare” exhaustion. It works for them and their friendships are going on 10 + years now. </p>

<p>Neither of the kids wants to talk of their sadness and loneliness of the past many years and mostly we are all looking toward better and happier times. We did have the kids see a few counselors but the kids said it was a waste of time and energy for them, as they’d be fine as soon as their health improved, and so it has been. We respected our kids choices not to have counseling. </p>

<p>We never made light of the tough times they went thru (and still have to varying degrees), and feel it has made them the strong, resilient and empathetic people they are. They have come to recognize and acknowledge this as well. </p>

<p>I try to lead by example as well and tend not to have pity parties, or if I do, they are very short-lived, as there is just too much to do. I like to think my example of thriving with my scary diagnoses and originally bleak prognosis has helped my kids cope well with their health issues. </p>

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<p>Reading too many threads/posts on CC.</p>

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<p>Another question, what makes people who cannot accept others? Some look at life positively, others look negatively, we just have to accept everybody and mind our own business. Everybody has some reasons or none, why others care? Nobody can change the other, the spouse cannot change his/her spouse, that is why we choose people who we spend time with so carefully, we should have fun together, not be bothered by negative or overly positive attitude. We are who we are, others are who they are as long as there is no illegal activity, there is none of our business.</p>