What responsibility do public schools have in a child's happiness?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I have thought a lot about Jlauer’s post about her son, and her reaction to it, as well as the responses from other people on that thread (and my own reaction).</p>

<p>And then I thought closer to home, to a situation with my own daughter, as well as situtions with friends or colleagues of mine and their own children.</p>

<p>I have known children who were bullied terribly and mercilessly at school. Although the school personnel tried to intervene, much of the bullying continued, more covertly, in less structured or supervised places (playground, bus, etc). Some of it was not physical, but mental bullying, which is harder to control.</p>

<p>What is the school’s responsibility? How about for children who are unhappy for other reasons, some academic, some social?</p>

<p>My own daughter is miserably unhappy at school; bored by the unstimulating curriculum, upset by teachers’ unilateral punitive actions (punishing the whole class for the actions of a few), “mean, queen bee” girls, who aren’t bullying her, but still manage to make kids feel worthless and left out (including my DD). We tried to affect change (meetings with teacher, principal), but were unsuccessful, and thus have decided to put her in a private school next year, at tremendous personal expense. We know it is a place where her creative spirit will be nurtured, and the small class size ensures she will get more attention.</p>

<p>Should we have fought with the school more, demanded more? Did the school have any responsibility, since she isn’t a behavior problem, doesn’t have learning challenges, or significant social problems (despite her take on the friend issue). Should they have tried harder to ensure that she was happier at school, or because she could slip through the cracks, no one cared?</p>

<p>I think of the services provided for some, and how some kids are basically ignored. A lot of parents, when they are fed up, pull their kids and homeschool or put them in private schools. Should public schools be let off the hook so easily? What is a parent to do?</p>

2

<p>I think that schools bear some responsibility to be “pro-active” and be vigilant to bullying and mean girl activities. Kids are required by law to attend school, therefore, the schools need to provide a safe environment. That said, no school can guarantee a child’s “happiness”.</p>

3

<p>I know “happiness” isn’t exactly the right word; it connotes something more superficial than I am trying to convey.</p>

<p>Emotional, intellectual, physical safety and security…opportunities for growth in each of these areas? I am looking beyond just bullying to the needs of the “total child” and a school’s responsibility, or lack thereof. Don’t know if I am making myself clear…</p>

4

<p>There are too many students, too many “mandates”, and not enough time or money to control for the “emotional, intellectual, physical safety and security” for each and every child in a public school. Teachers in many schools are being asked to act as counselors, surrogate parents, social workers, etc. so that they don’t even have sufficient time to teach.</p>

<p>IMO, schools are already being asked to do way too much. Asking them to deal with the intangibles in your original post (being made to feel small, which doesn’t rise to the level of bullying; boredom; punishment with which you do not agree; etc.) is too great a burden. </p>

<p>The “child in the middle” - no learning disabilities, no off-the-chart giftedness, no behavioral problems - has always been the one given the least attention. Special ed, required by law, takes care of the LD and physical disabilities end of the spectrum; AP or honors classes may take care of the other. Classes are often taught to the “lowest common denominator” in the class, which may leave others bored. This has been going on for decades (at least since I was in high school during the year of the flood).</p>

<p>Until public schools can pick and choose their students, limit class sizes, and write Individualize Education Plans for each student whether LD or not, these issues will continue. Since that’s “never”, I don’t see how schools can be expected to take responsibility for the “total child.” You would have wasted your time with further “fighting” with the public school; they are incapable of doing what you are asking of them.</p>

<p>The only alternative is private school, and I wish your d all the best there.</p>

5

<p>Allmusic:</p>

<p>I think it’s useful to separate academic and social issues. A school may do a great job at addressing academic needs but not so well regarding social issues. </p>

<p>Our old k-8 scholl welcomed parental involvement and that made a real difference to the way issues of bullying were handled. I agree with Chedva that teachers (or principals) cannot do everything. But the principal gave the green light for parents to discuss ways of handling bullying. I don’t have the particulars, as my S had already graduated by the time this issue came up in the school email exchange forum. When kids complained about dirty bathrooms, parents also organized to have a cleanup and advocated for repairs. I know not all schools have involved parents or even welcome parental involvement. But it seemed to work in our school.
Regarding the punishment issue, there should be a school-wide policy. There was one instance where students were being unruly while a student teacher was in charge of the class. The homeroom teacher happened to be absent when this happened. The student teacher decided to punish the boys but not the girls. The homeroom teacher and the principal got an earful from the boys’ mothers that evening!
In another instance, kids were teasing a first grader whose father had just “come out.” The principal and teacher organized for a mediator from the district to come and talk to the whole class about tolerance for diversity and the teacher had further lessons to reinforce that message. My S had no real understanding of the meaning of being gay but really got the message about accepting differences.</p>

6

<p>A school’s mission is to educate children in a safe environment – free from guns, bullies, drugs, etc (altho perfection can never be attained).</p>

<p>This original mission gets lost once teachers are expected to be “surrogate parents” “counselors” or more.</p>

<p>As parents we know that when our plate gets “too full” we can’t seem to do anything well. We’ve all “been there” and when that happens, we know to “back off” on some things (work, volunteering, coaching, hobbies, etc) so that we can stay “true” to our real goal - parenting. Now that schools’ plates have become too full, it is time for them to 'back off" on areas that are outside their mission so that they can stay true to that.</p>

7

<p>I disagree. I think it’s possible to structure schools so that bullying becomes unacceptable. One way to do that is to cultivate a culture in which students are encouraged to speak out. Another is through smaller schools; in a smaller school, it is more likely that bullying and other rude behavior will be identified, because the faculty is more likely to know all the students.</p>

<p>And get rid of hiding places in the playground! Our neighborhood elementary school has a tree near the front fence, and at least once a month I see kids behind the tree (where they can’t be seen by the playground monitor but can be seen from the street) bullying other kids. Yesterday I saw several kids actually trying to choke another kid. I stopped and simply pointed out my window at them. I could hear the kid saying “I told you to stop hurting me” and then he ran off. (Why didn’t I find the playground monitor? Well, I’m tired of being told that if <em>they</em> didn’t see it, nothing can be done.)</p>

<p>As for queen bee behavior, I have no idea how to stop it. I taught in the school where my daughter was treated to queen-bee-ism by another student; the entire faculty knew it was going on–and it just got more and more subtle. It’s hard to tell a student “you can’t call all your friends and tell them to wear pink” (so that my D was the only girl not wearing pink that day)… you can’t anticipate everything, and the queen bee has more time than you do. (My D moved to another school in the end, where she loved it.)</p>

8

<p>dmd, are you disagreeing with me??? In my first sentence I wrote: A school’s mission is to educate children in a safe environment – free from guns, bullies, drugs, etc </p>

<p>If you are diagreeing with my added statement that it is impossible to be perfect in having a perfectly safe (bully free,etc) environment, I think that you might be asking for the impossible. Even with an effective, pro-active anti-bullying program in place, it is impossible for a school to guarantee that some child isn’t going to be mean to another child one time or another. (just like a parent can’t guarantee that a kid will obey perfectly). All we can hope for is improvement and LESS meaness and bullying.</p>

9

<p>I agree that the schools are holding too many responsibilities, and there are many factors to blame for this. Large class sizes, too many mandates, too many disparate needs, too little parental involvement, etc. etc. all contribute to the teachers wearing too many hats.</p>

<p>I guess what I find really unfortunate is that there are kids who get lost in the shuffle as a result. My DD doesn’t need parenting from the school, nor psychological help, nor special ed services; I am not asking for the school to be any more than…a school. I want them to do their job, which is to TEACH her.</p>

<p>But that doesn’t mean teaching to the lowest common denominator, or wasting half the class day reprimanding the acting out kids, or spending the equivalent of 10 instructional days taking (not to mention preparing for) state tests (and sitting for hours while everyone else finshes), not to mention queen bees and wannabees (who seem to operate under the radar, and teachers can’t monitor since they are too busy with all the other demands).</p>

<p>I hope my DD loves her new school too, DMD. I’m glad it worked out for yours.</p>

10

<p>As public awareness has grown of bullying (perhaps because of the evidence available on online sites such as Xanga), I think more public schools are developing programs to address the issue. I know that our “intermediate unti” offers workshops on the subject to area teachers. Still, much of this behavior will always take place under the teachers’ radar. I don’t think any school, public or private, is immune from this kind of behavior. </p>

<p>To some extent, I think we have to teach our kids how to deal with it when it happens. I used to say to my D, “I would much rather be the parent of a child being teased than the parent of a child who is doing the teasing.” That established our values and, I hoped, supported her emotionally. </p>

<p>It seemed to me that as the kids got older (matured?) there was less of this going on, more tolerance for “different strokes for different folks.”</p>

11

<p>Lovetoparent, I can’t remember who I was disagreeing with! How embarassing. I was, I do remember, disagreeing with the idea that there aren’t structural things that schools can do to reduce bulllying, disagreeing with the idea that bullying is inevitable.</p>

12

<p>dmd… </p>

<p>Then, I agree with you! I have never “bought into” the excuse that some parents and schools give that “kids will be kids” and so we have to expect and even look the other way at some bullying.</p>

<p>I also think that parents need to be told what signs to look for to determine whether their child is being bullied OR IS A BULLY!</p>

13

<p>I don’t think that schools can do very much to prevent the subtle bullying and exclusion described above. So much of this kind of behavior comes from values instilled in the home. Private schools don’t necessarily address this issue any better, but I believe that there is a type of self-selection which tends to control for this better. Since public schools have to be open to all, there is little that teachers or administrators can do to make everyone “play nice.” I think it’s very sad.</p>

14

<p>sjmom:</p>

<p>you have a point. My neighbor complained because when her d and friend sat down at one lunch table, the “cool” kids at the table all got up and moved. Naturally her D’s feelings were hurt. </p>

<p>It would be hard for a teacher to have notice this behavior or to “confront” those kids because they didn’t “say” anything to the two “abandoned” kids. Also, the cool kids could “make up” a plausable excuse for their relocation, such as they needed more space at their table for a few more friends that were coming.</p>

15

<p>Without expecting teachers to be counselors, referees, surrogate parents, social directors etc in addition to teaching, it is possible for schools to work at creating a campus culture that encourages students to treat each other with respect and even kindness. My sons’ middle school (large, public, middle class) took two approaches. One was to hold assemblies that recognized kids not only for top grades or winning the basketball tournament but also for showing character – befriending new kids, helping disabled kids, peer tutoring. Students got nominated for the good character awards by participating in clubs that encouraged tutoring and being the ambassador to a new kid, but also could get nominated by their peers through a suggestion-box set up in the school office. Thus it was possible to earn recognition and a small reward (a pass to move to front of the lunch line for example) for showing friendship and assistance to fellow students. The other approach was to show very little tolerance for bullying of any kind, verbal as well as physical. Any student who felt they were being bullied or harassed could make a report through a similar suggestion-box set up in the office. My son’s sixth grade friend was being harassed for being pudgy every day at lunch. (Nothing physical, but name calling and sarcasm and such). After a week of this misery, he filled out a green card and dropped it in the box. The assistant principal called the offenders to his office, explained that the school expected a standard of behavior that involved treating everyone with respect, and sent a note home to their parents. The teasing stopped.
Too many kids and parents think they shouldn’t complain to the school because they think that bullying and learning to cope with bullies is seen as part of growing up. If no one complains, there is no recognition of a problem and kids think they can do as they please. There was one school in our county that ignored a student tradition to give arm punches on someone’s birthday. It became such a problem that many kids were fearful to let others know it was their birthday and one kid was pummeled so badly on his birthday he ended up in the hospital with kidney damage and a lawsuit against the school, which FINALLY did take steps to stop the punching.
The thing is, it’s not too much to ask of the adults at a school (everyone working or volunteering there) to send a message about what is or isn’t acceptable behavior at that school. Treating everyone with respect should be the goal if not the norm; treating anyone with cruelty should simply be unacceptable.<br>
To the OP’s question: IMO, schools do have a responsibility to create a positive learning enviroment for students. It is often a matter of leadership and the best principals I have known are the ones who strive to do this.</p>

16

<p>I agree wholeheartedly that bullying needs to be addressed structurally and programatically by the school. However, there is a lot of adolescent behavior that doesn’t rise to the level of bullying (such as that described in the original post, which the poster believed was not “bullying”). This is the behavior that I do not believe the school can address. You can’t make kids like each other, you can’t stop kids from excluding each other, and you can’t stop a kid from having his/her feelings hurt.</p>

<p>This behavior, by the way, happens in private schools as well. Their very nature is exclusionary, and the exclusions easily extends to groups of kids. They just have fancier clothes, cars, etc. when they do it!</p>

<p>(And the last I looked, it also happens with adults.)</p>

17

<p>Bullying is pervasive at youngest D’s public school, so much so that it is the bullied that are singled out for teacher/student discussions as to why they’re not fitting in – sorta like the bullyers are providing a public service by publicly identifying those who are different. Not much to be done, since adminstrators deny that a “problem” exists. I tell my D that most kids at in order to be “special” one has to be different. Call me naive – I actually believe that.</p>

18

<p>One way that a school can deal with “subtle bullying” (described in #14) if for a teacher to be given a heads up that this sort of thing is happening and watch for patterns. If a group of kids is refusing to let other kids sit near them, over time, that can be observed and caught.</p>

19

<p>It is a school’s responsibility to do all it can to help all children feel safe, both emotionally and physically.</p>

<p>It is school’s responsibility to challenge children intellectually as appropriate for their ability level. This includes creating an environment where students feel safe to take risks intellectually and academically. Schools should be their to support children to do this but not to hold their hand.</p>

<p>It is a school’s responsibility to help children develop a sense of responsibility and work ethic. A school cannot do this alone, it also need to be reinforced in the home.</p>

<p>What a school can not do is make a child happy. That is out of our hands. For example I have a student now who is a joy to teach. She is bright, motivated and conscientious. I have gotten to know this child well as she is also in my homeroom. We have a very positive relationship and get along well. </p>

<p>Even though I teach in a brand new, $64 million dollar building with all the resources and technology anyone could ever hope for, this child is unhappy there and nothing we do is going to change that. (It is a magnet school for lack of a better way to describe it) Much to the dismay of every one of her teachers this student will not return to our school next year because she wants to be at the school she is zoned for. All the bells and whistles and good relationships with teachers in the building still are not enough to make this child happy in that school. It’s a shame, we will all miss have her as a student next year, but we all understand she needs to feel happy. We can’t do that for her.</p>

20

<p>Interesting, wharfrat. Wonder what your student is so unhappy about?</p>

<p>Seems with a beautiful well equipped building, teachers looking out for her, intellectual challenges, etc. she would feel better about school.</p>

<p>The situation with my DD is much different, as she doesn’t have those positive experiences you describe, althouh the teachers still seem puzzled that she is leaving, which shows how little they understand her, I guess.</p>