What should I say to my dad?

Parents Forum
41

"Lately, he’s started making all these little comments about the colleges his friends’ kids were accepted to, or asking me how many kids from my school have gotten into X University. Every time I visit him, he’s wearing something from Johns Hopkins or Yale. He keeps reminding me that my cousin is coming to visit in June to see Northwestern, where he’ll be going. And just this morning, I found out that earlier this year, when my brother was accepted into this program at my high school for 30 kids from each grade to be in more advanced level classes from the start of their freshman year, he said something to my mom along the lines of “I knew from the start, if any one of our kids was going to get into Yale, it’d be him.”

What can I say to my dad that would communicate how much it hurts that he’s so openly critical of not only the fact that I’m attending UW, but how I feel he’s also doubting my capabilities to succeed? It’s too late for him to change his opinion and the way he acts around me; I already know his true feelings. But I would at least like him to know how much it hurts that he doesn’t think I can succeed without the help of the name of the college."

First, I really wish I could give you a hug because no kid deserves to feel so hurt by a parent.

Second, I’d like to kick your dad in his selfish ass for being so unconcerned about his daughter’s happiness.

I don’t know if there’s a lot you can say to him that will get through, because as far as he’s concerned, it’s really not about you, it’s about him and his status and his world that he’s created in his head.

What you can do is start making his opinion less important to you, starting today.

You got into the school you wanted to get into, I bet your mom’s proud. Heck I don’t even know you and I’m proud of you! You’ve done a great thing-don’t let him take that away from you.

The less power he has in your heart and mind, the less he can hurt you. And you’ll discover as you continue on your path through life that some people just hurt the people around them, for whatever reasons.

Don’t go looking for his approval any more. He should start looking for your approval-he’s done nothing to earn it so far, he’s got a lot of catching up to do. It may never happen, but creating that paradigm shift in your head where he needs to be earning your approval instead of you constantly needing his will help you enormously to become independent and confident.

Good luck, and get him a generic card for Father’s Day. That’s what he’s earned this year for how he’s treated you, nothing more.

42

Whenever my mom was being mean, I would threaten her that I was likely to be the one to choose her nursing home so she had better be nice! So tell him to cut the crap, and be HAPPY for your choice. I can’t wait to visit Wisconsin next year with my younger daughter. It’s a fantastic school and you should be really proud!

43

I really sympathize with you, OP. First, I think you’re making a mature and well-researched decision. The fact that UW resonates with you so much only reinforces that wise logic, and you should take pride in knowing that it is the correct decision for you. Nobody can take your success in the admission and matriculation process away from you – even a biological parent – and you should take advantage of all Wisconsin has to offer that you find appealing (and there’s a small universe of outstanding resources on offer at Wisconsin).

I experienced a bit of what you have, coming from a place with explicit, and unspoken expectations of what were “acceptable” choices, and what were considered sub-optimal, or not the top rung of bragging material. Some members of my family were ivy graduates. And I also specifically remember one science admin in my high school, who, when I told him I was going to Wisconsin, said oh how nice and “eclectic” it was. Then he selfishly took that as a cue to start bragging about Yale, and how he started crying when his son was accepted to his alma mater, blah blah blah… Needless to say, I didn’t feel too appreciated at that moment. I still chose Wisconsin, and I thrived there. Over time, more and more people I knew realized how exceptional a place it was for academics, and, well, just about everything. When I think about how immature some of those views were years ago, and how some of those views turned upside-down in the course of time, it is truly laughable.

Yet … there were still people who would slight it, or find fault even now. And very unfortunately, your father may be one of those people. From what has been written thus far, as well as my personal experience, I may lean towards what Hunt and MotherOfDragons are proposing – you may simply want to avoid more discussion of this issue with your father. There are some people whose perspectives, no matter how unfortunate or biased or self-aggrandizing, cannot be changed. It sounds as if your father may be one of those.

Even if it hurts now, it may be more positive for you to try and acknowledge all of the legitimately positive benefits of your decision to yourself, and take pride and pleasure in them, rather than looking to your father to genuinely support what is best for you. Also, acknowledge other people in your life, or those whom you will likely meet at Wisconsin, that can be legitimately supportive of your excellent decision. And absolutely, be an outstanding student and human being at Wisconsin, because it is your life to find fulfillment and success and well-being.

44

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ask him why he didn’t donate enough to Yale to ensure that you got in…


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this is hilarious in light of the fact that if going to Yale equals significant financial success, then he should have been able to donate some serious coin to Yale. :wink:

45

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Good luck with this! My own parents, for years introduced me to their friends as “the one who could have gotten a PhD from Caltech, but didn’t”.


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Oh my! They’re just lucky that they didn’t have a sarcastic DD. Someone not as nice (me) would have said something like, “these are my parents, the ones who who could have been awesome parents, but weren’t.”

46

Oh, OP: I strongly recommend you do not buy your dad any Wisconsin gear. In fact, for his personality, I would recommend that you avoid engaging in any behavior with him that will allow him to “compete” with brand-name prestige. That is his raison d’etre, and I unfortunately feel that he will never completely be free of such behavior (e.g., it was somewhat revealing you got an initial “congrats,” then a few months later some of these competitive displays began to manifest again). The only way you can “win” that type of game is to not play it with him. You must somehow reframe that sort of competition. It is possible to do this. It may take time, and deeper understanding and reflection on your part.

One great advantage you have is to avail yourself of some of Wisconsin’s outstanding departments, to help you understand some of the underlying structures and mechanisms that may drive such behavior. Psychology, for example, traditionally ranks very highly at Wisconsin. There may be classes, research and resources there that shed light on this; Wisconsin’s sociology may also lend insight, and Wisconsin ranks higher than Yale there. But I suggest not to try to compete, or point this out openly with him. Rather, learn as much as you can. Try to just be aware that you are deliberately not playing into that role, and that you are confident in yourself. He may not like it, but you may be the wiser for it.

I also would not recommend showing him this thread, or otherwise trying to explicitly change his opinion. The consequences could be quite unpleasant. It is very unfortunate, and even painful sometimes. But think of yourself first.

47

I wonder how the dad is going to behave 4 years from now at graduation?

48

mom2, I agree with your points. I personally think dad is going to behave almost exactly the same in four years as he is behaving now. The real “game changer” here can be the OP, and it is he who deserves as much support and self-awareness as possible.

49

Op,
"I also would not recommend showing him this thread, or otherwise trying to explicitly change his opinion. The consequences could be quite unpleasant. It is very unfortunate, and even painful sometimes. But think of yourself first. "

I disagree with this statement, although I agree with everything else that s/he posted.
I am quite hard charging and aggressive but I also try to work in improving myself. So when my kiddos point out certain behaviors that bother them, I think about it to see if it has merit, and if they have presented a reasonable arguement, I do work on trying to change it. Unless you confront situations, it will never change. You don’t have to be aggressive about it, but it really should be communicated to Op’s dad. Don’t expect him to change and don’t be hurt if he doesn’t change, but you really owe it to yourself and to him to address the situation directly. Many posters here gave examples of what to say in many different ways. Or showing him your post is a great way to do it as well.

50

YoHoYoHo, I appreciate that. I honestly do. I am just afraid that you, as a father (or mother, YoHoYoHo? I honestly don’t know), could be much more reasonable and open-minded than the little bit we know about the OP’s father. I would still stick to my opinion that it may be safer to keep it under wraps. Some personalities may just not view evidence like this as a constructive effort, even from their children. They could feel, at least inside, that a confrontation represents a kind of attack on their values. And if those said values are rigid enough, it could cause more resentment or grounds for further difficult behavior down the line. I am under the impression that his father won’t change that much, and if there was any chance he did, it wouldn’t be from convincing him; it would likely be more of an internal process on the father’s part over time.

Believe me, I am not pleased to read of those reactions, and I sincerely wish they wouldn’t occur. But I also don’t want to cause more internal conflict for the OP, and make him feel that he ought to do something to help, when it may not be in his best interest or power to do so. He’s probably got enough on his plate.

In the end, the OP will do what he feels best. I respect these are difficult and deeply felt considerations. Hopefully he will be able to find some peace in his relationship with his father. But what he does have control over is his own life, self-respect and academic path.

51

Congrats on going to UW - I did my grad work there and loved every minute! You are going to a great school and you will get a great education! I’m sorry it is not your dad’s cup of tea…but that is the way the cookie crumbles sometimes. We cannot always please our parents and they have to learn to accept that.

52

Sounds like he’s making it about him instead of you.

53

Pray that Scott Walker doesn’t completely destroy it before you get there.

54

@JingleBells85, I’m sorry your dad is acting this way. Congrats on getting into UW-Madison. I think you need to work on perfecting your teen eye roll. That’s what most teens I know do when their parents are being ridiculous. If your dad is generally helpful and not rude, I’d just be honest with him. Next time you visit tell him you’re excited about UW and want him to be excited for you, that it hurts to be compared to his friends’ kids and your cousin, and you want him to have confidence in your abilities. Ask if he’d wear a shirt from UW if you got one for him. He’ll either change his behavior or he won’t.

If he doesn’t change, model the behavior he should be exhibiting. When he talks about his friends’ kids say, “That’s nice, Dad. I hope they like it there. Did they get into their first choice too?” I don’t think I’d comment on his college shirts other than to say, “Nice shirt, Dad.” Unless everyone in town knows he went to Yale, people are either going to assume he wishes he’d gone to those colleges or that he wishes you did. Neither makes him look very good.

Who told you this? Since you didn’t overhear it, why did that person feel the need to share a hurtful comment that you would likely have never known about otherwise? It’s not helpful for you, it’s not helpful for your brother (that’s a lot to try to live up to), and potentially damaging to your relationship with your brother as well as your relationship with your dad. If your mom told you, I’d tell her you don’t want to listen to her repeat things your dad says any more than you want to hear him repeat what she says. If it was your brother, he’s likely feeling stressed and you may want to check in on him from time to time to make sure he’s okay. Having an understanding older sibling can be very helpful.

Have fun at UW-M. :slight_smile:

55

There’s one other thought I had on this - it’s possible that OP’s father defends her choice of UW to other people in the world even though he denigrates it privately (which is destructive and hurtful, don’t get me wrong!) - so for that reason alone, it could be helpful to make sure that OP’s father does know about all the terrific resources etc. at UW. Eventually it could also seep into his own opinions. I’ve seen this happen with some pretty rigid parents of kids who make not-in-line-with-parental-hopes decisions.

56

^^
I do agree that the student should occasionally mention the various benefits and resources that are available at UWisc. At a minimum, the dad may likely mention those to others in conversation.

BTW…I wonder if the dad was prepared to pay for Yale? I realize that Y gives top aid, but I’m guessing that he’s a successful grad so maybe wouldn’t qualify for much aid. If the student does qualify for a lot of Y aid, then that doesn’t say much about being a Y grad. :wink:

57

“Be blunt: Dad, are you going to be disappointed in me forever that I didn’t get into Yale?”

Scholarme’s advice is spot on. Direct, honest, simple, non-threatening communication. Good luck OP–UWM is a fine university and congrats on your admission.

58

Thank you for the replies everyone! I never expected to get so many, but all your suggestions and support is much appreciated. I’m going to do my best to reply to everything here.

For those who talked of my major and possible grad school, at the moment I’m leaning towards psychology (and possibly genetics or food science), and then going to grad school for psychology. I’d like to be a clinical psychologist, and from what I understand, a Ph.D. helps a lot with that. One of the reasons I chose UW was because I heard they have a strong psychology program. I plan on working very hard during my next four years of school, but also making meaningful friendships and connections with those around me. I’m waiting for the learning community selections to be announced. UW’s server crashed or something, so we had to email our requests to the housing office, and hopefully we’ll hear back in the next couple days. Fingers crossed that I get a spot in either Bradley or Chadbourne’s Residential College.

I will be watching out for my brother, especially since depression is common in our family (on my dad’s side, ironically. Same with anxiety). He’s currently interested in UIUC’s engineering program since we’d be in state for that, but he’s got 3 years before anything is solidified.

Hopefully succeeding at UW will change his mind, but if not, he’s in Chicago and I’ll be in Madison. If he comes up for a football game wearing anything other than Badger apparel, he can just go right back to Chicago. And if he continues to be critical, then I will confront him, incorporating various ideas from different posts. I particularly like the idea mentioning his self-image. For some reason I feel like that might resonate with him. I’d like to ask him if he really thinks he’d get in today, but he’ll probably say yes so that might not work as well.

@bopper Would you mind sharing where you got those stats from? My dad responds better to numbers and facts, so if I could have them on file to use if needed, that would be very helpful.

I’d show this thread to my dad, but he’d probably treat it the way he treats anything I ask him to read, skim, make some general comment, and move on. It’s ironic, but that’s what he did when I asked him to read my college essay.

And just to clarify, I’m a girl.

59

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"Be blunt: Dad, are you going to be disappointed in me forever that I didn't get into Yale?"

Scholarme’s advice is spot on. Direct, honest, simple, non-threatening communication. Good luck OP–UWM is a fine university and congrats on your admission.
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Yes! And if he says, “oh no, I’m not disappointed.” (or some sort of denial), then jump on that, smile, and say, “good, now we don’t need to hear any more comments about the schools of your friends’ children.”


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especially since depression is common in our family (on my dad's side, ironically. Same with anxiety

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Gee I’m so surprised…not!

60

Reading this, for some reason my natural bias was that you were a boy. So, I can actually say something positive about your Dad–at least he’s not sexist and wants the same for his daughter that he wants for his son. Always good to see the bright side of a family issue.