My friends daughter is getting married. She also has 2 sons, but this is the first to marry. They are having to cut their guest list down because the grooms family is huge on both sides, and there are more guests now from the grooms side. They haven’t offered to pay for a thing, other than the rehearsal dinner and that’s just heavy hor’deourves, not a meal. They also aren’t paying for the honeymoon. Somehow this just doesn’t seem fair.
I know when planning a wedding, it’s not good to have too many cooks in the kitchen. I always thought the grooms family paid for the rehearsal dinner and honeymoon.
How do families do this now? What would the brides family appreciate? Can’t pay half, unless all expenses surrounding it are half. Seems so confusing.
I don’t think there are any rules these days about this and people do all sorts of things that are right for them. In my day, the bride’s family paid for the wedding and the groom’s family paid for the rehearsal dinner.
I can tell you what I am doing for one of my two daughters who are having weddings this year. For D2, I offered her a sum of money toward her wedding, without knowing what the groom’s family would or would not be doing, and made an assumption that they would not be paying. As I told the engaged couple my offer, they informed me that the groom’s parents also offered a generous sum of money toward the wedding, though I am paying more (fine by me). I think it is great that they are contributing as it does seem like an odd tradition that the bride’s family incurs all the expenses for the wedding. The groom’s family is also paying for the rehearsal dinner. I also know that his parents offered the kids hotel points which they are using for part of their honeymoon.
In the case you describe, the groom’s parents can make an offer to the engaged couple of a contribution to their wedding expenses if they feel that is something they wish to do. It doesn’t have to be half. Also, the bride’s parents who are currently footing the entire bill, can give the groom’s side a limit of number of guests. If they feel strongly they want more guests on their side, there is no stopping them from offering to at least pay that difference.
I’ve never heard of the groom’s family paying for the honeymoon.
In the case you cite, they need to come up with a number in consultation with the couple, and tell the groom’s family how many invitations they have. If the groom’s family wants to do something separate for their huge extended family, they can do so. If including first cousins on someone’s side takes you to 200 people, and you can’t afford or don’t want a huge wedding, then you simply don’t go out to that level. If the groom’s family really, really wants a lot of extra people, they should offer to pay for them. If they can’t afford it, then that’s it.
Keeping it small is often the best thing for all concerned.
OP, in this situation, I may offer a set amount, and have a talk with the DD and FSIL. Speak of how large the guest list is, and how they may need to adjust their expectations for a venue. Ask FSIL if his,parents will pay for the bar, for example, and the flowers. I’d bring examples of price lists.
No one on CC, but IRL, people tend to be selfish. They order an expensive meal and lots of drinks if the check is being split.
Sooziet, I’m sure there are special circumstances why u r paying for D1’s wedding.
If the groom’s family is much larger than the bride’s, and thus, there will be far more guests on the list for the groom’s side, then they definitely should be paying extra. The bride’s family should be communicating this to the couple, the number they can afford and will pay for, and an equal number for the groom’s side. This is assuming that the couple aren’t contributing here.
How much larger are we talking? 10? 100? We didn’t have this issue with our Ds’ weddings, and to be honest, we paid for almost everything but the difference in the guest numbers on each side wasn’t huge. I have a friend whose D married a young man with a huge family. The difference on the guestlist was somewhere around 250 of extra family members and friends! Her D laughingly suggested that her MIL was inviting everyone she had ever smiled at. They communicated to the groom’s family via the bridal couple that they could not, and would not, be paying for the extras. The groom’s family did pay for those extra 250.
The ‘rules’, as Soozie says, are really not what they traditionally used to be, and they are not the same for every family. It’s up to the B&G and the two families to come up with a plan that everyone can afford. It’s wise to communicate what you can afford to pay right from the start.
We paid for our own wedding. I always told mine: We paid for ours, you pay for yours.
Son had the big wedding, he and DIL paid. I gifted them a nice sum, but not in advance. I wanted them to plan the wedding they could afford. Before he died DH told son he would pay for rehearsal dinner and I honored that.
Daughter had a small intimate wedding far away. I gifted the same nice sum. I also hosted a backyard reception when they came to visit for about the same as the rehearsal dinner.
My sister’s son got married recently. My sister’s family was a lot bigger than the brides’, and it was an out of town wedding for my sister’s side of family. The bride’s family paid for the wedding itself (the reception and all). My sister paid for the rehearsal reception, which everyone was invited to. My sister made sure the rehearsal reception was more low key than the wedding reception.
I will be planning D1’s wedding soon. Her BF’s family is a lot bigger than my side of family. The BF has offered to help with the wedding (on behalf of his family) for extra number of guests. I don’t think I will accept the offer, but have asked him to be responsible for the rehearsal reception for most of guests the night before.
When S married in '12, his dad, stepmom, & I paid the rehearsal dinner expenses. I used the same florist as my DIL did and we recycled a large arrangement from the rehearsal dinner as the buffet centerpiece for the reception and some other flowers as well. I also paid for the boutonnieres for all of S’s wedding party and provided pre-wedding food for the bride and bridesmaids in D’s name (she was a bridesmaid). S & DIL paid for the wedding with some nice assistance from her mom & stepdad.
In general, I don’t hear of parents on either side providing funding for honeymoon. My best friend and her husband did gift travel points to help with that as mentioned by someone else upthread, but that’s the only time I’ve known of someone providing honeymoon funding.
I think traditionally, the bride’s parents paid for the wedding and the groom’s parents paid for the rehearsal dinner. I don’t think either was obligated on the honeymoon; the couple often paid for it like a vacation. What happens now is more fluid.
In our case, we paid for our own wedding. My mother was worried about what I’d wear, so she offered to pay for a “real” wedding dress. (I think her concern was that I’d choose overalls.) We offered both our families a certain number of seats and kept a number for our own friends. Having done this in a smaller venue, we all felt we’d made sacrifices on that front, but it also felt fair.
It becomes clear that this ritual exists to bring not only couples, but their families, together so I think it’s important to set the stage. Nobody wants to be taken advantage of, nor should anyone feel slighted. I think it’s reasonable to do something within a budget and give the parties the discretion to invite some number of guests. If anyone – couple or their families – feels the need to go beyond that to accommodate additional guests, it’s appropriate to ask them to pay more if the venue will allow it.
I’ve always heard that the groom’s family’
pays for the Rehearsal Dinner and flowers , but I’m not sure. My husband and I paid for our entire wedding except me dress which my aunt paid for. We had a small wedding of only 75. That was quite a few years ago. Unfortunately the trend now has become over the top affairs that come with huge price tags making it difficult to sort out who pays for what.
If the bride pays for the reception, then she sets an equal limit for each side for guests that they must stick to, or kick in $XX more for each additional guest.
For D2 wedding, how much I am contributing and how much the groom’s parents are contributing are both unrelated to number of guests. The majority of guests are friends of the engaged couple. Each set of parents invited whomever they wished, but it amounts to each parents’ siblings (thus couple’s aunts/uncles) and their kids (couple’s cousins). Before any guest lists or any wedding plans were made, I offered a sum of money to the couple to pay wedding expenses and learned right after that moment that the groom’s parents had also offered them a sum of money toward their wedding, but I didn’t even know that when I gave the kids my offer. The engaged couple are doing all the wedding planning themselves and have a budget of the sum of both sets of parents’ contributions to work with as their budget and they drew up a budget to do that.
As far as D1’s wedding, she got engaged 3 months after D2 got engaged. I had no idea either was getting engaged imminently, nor around the same time as one another and having weddings around the same time this year. So, I certainly made D1 the same offer of money I offered D2 for her wedding, to have any kind of wedding they desired (and they are also doing all their own planning as well). They are having a small intimate wedding (in nine more days!!). I have never met this fiancé’s parents and in fact the fiancé is estranged currently from family and so they are not involved in the wedding expenses, or celebration, sadly.
There really are no “shoulds” in wedding paying and planning nowadays.
I’ve never heard of the groom’s side paying for the honeymoon.
IMO the couple should expect to pay for the whole wedding and any contributions from either side are just wonderful gifts. That means too that the couple should have complete control over the wedding guest list and they can decide if they want more of his family there or split it more evenly.
In my two D’s cases, they have total control over the whole wedding and the entire guest lists. Still they are not paying for their own weddings. While it is nice for couples to pay for their own wedding, in my family tradition, parents pay for the kids’ weddings (and educations) and apparently in D2’s groom’s family, the parents contributed to all their kids’ weddings, whether male or female. In fact, my D’s finance told me that his parents offered him more than his siblings got (he is the youngest and last to get married) because of inflation!
When I got married, DH’s parents paid for flowers, the band, and, maybe, the officiant. We did not have a rehearsal dinner.
Fast forward to S1’s wedding, where we paid for the rehearsal dinner. S and DIL paid for their own wedding, and preferred it that way. We gifted them a sum of money that they could use for any purpose they chose, whether wedding related or not.
My oldest daughter married three years ago. The groom’s family hosted the rehearsal dinner. They offered to pay for alcohol served at the pre-reception and reception. They also paid for the hors d’oeuvres served at the pre-reception. The groom handled anything related to his groomsmen and my daughter did the same for her bridesmaids (hair, makeup, gift). The groom (son-in-law) took care of the honeymoon.
My youngest daughter is engaged and the groom’s family plans to host the rehearsal dinner. They have also offered to pay alcohol costs and hors d’oeuvres served pre-reception and DJ. We again expect our daughter and her fiancé to handle groomsmen and bridesmaid expenses. The groom is planning the honeymoon.
In both instances the groom’s family contacted us and offered to pay the above costs - with no prompting from us. Nice! We will do the same when - if - our son marries. *I have a feeling the grooms’ families looked online and took note of something like this: https://www.theknot.com/content/wedding-budget-who-pays-for-what