I am no wedding expert, but I remember reading somewhere that you should actually decide the guest list first, and then plan a wedding for that likely Number of guests within a (reasonable to all concerned) budget.
Well, I got DH to agree – and we just told S1 – that we will pay for the rehearsal dinner and provide them with a substantial lump sum, that they can use for the wedding, to pay student loans, to splurge on the honeymoon, whatever.
Son is kind of stunned.
I am thrilled.
I’m sure you made his day (week and month!), @VeryHappy!
You “should” do whatever you want within your own budget (whatever makes up that budget- just the couple, the couple + parents, etc)
I’ve been involved in planning 3 weddings in the last year. (Mr R is one of 3 boys and they all got married in the last year…) By far, the easiest wedding planning came when parents said we will contribute “$x” and then the couple does whatever with that amount.
JME
Great! Sounds like you have clarified expectations and given your S a budget to work with, @VeryHappy! It’s always much easier for everyone and avoid misunderstandings when there are concrete amounts discussed.
I can see how a guest list and then budget happen hand in hand. One thing to consider when gifting $$ to a wedding - how many guests YOU intend to want to invite. If I gift my child $3000 but then tell them “and by the way, I have 200 people on our side I want to invite” - that’s a problem!!
^^Exactly what I was thinking through this thread, @abasket If ‘the kids’ are paying, they shouldn’t be expected to invite every relative from Aunt Minnie to Third Cousin Fred, or your (the parents’) boss, next door neighbor or golfing buddy.
I think it has to be a collaboration between the two families and the couple, and the size of the guest list may determine the type of wedding (black tie, picnic, children allowed, band or DJ) and the budget needed. The parents can give any amount they want, but if they expect to invite a lot of people, the amount given should take that guest list into consideration.
I agree with those that think the size and style of the wedding should be discussed before the amount of money to be offered, unless the parents have a set amount in mind. I have to say my contribution might be different for a wedding that was very small and only included immediate family and the couples friends versus one where I could invite at least some of my closest friends. The amount might also depend on where the wedding is being held (a destination wedding would involve other costs for us compared to a local one). OTOH, I wouldn’t want to be perceived as being unfair and giving more to one than the others. We are nowhere near this point, so who knows what the reality will be when and if the time comes.
What do you do if one of your kids never marries? Or doesn’t marry by age 35 or 40? Do you gift them with a comparable amount of money for a down payment or for their future wedding?
That’s what we did last year, VH. S and DIL were stunned, thrilled, and grateful. I have no idea how that money was spent/saved, nor do I ever even wonder what they did with it. Their response to our gesture was all I needed.
We gave DS a lump sum, plus we will cover the rehearsal dinner and the hotel and tux for one of the groomsmen. His wedding is in August. H and I are not drinkers so we weren’t willing to additionally fund the full open bar that S and FDIL want; they created a nice spread sheet that allowed them to spend more in areas important to them and less on what they really didn’t care about.
They will invite about 200 and expect 150 to come.
We also told S that the money could be spent on the wedding, the honeymoon, a down payment, or retirement accounts. It’s all getting spent on the wedding, but they are thrilled with how their day is shaping up!
Bumping this up
I think we will have a wedding or 2 in the near future. We figure for our D we will pick up most of the tab. I doubt his parents who are divorced will pay for much if anything at all. This is a few years away but the budget will be reasonable but not over the top.
I think my S will marry sooner. His GF comes from a single parent household. While I see her family doing what they can I don’t see them having a lot of disposable income. I don’t want to step on any toes. I think I would feel guilty not offering my S what we would spend on his sibling.
In this age of equality how do those of you who have both male and female children handle wedding funding. Is the lump sum you offer your S equivalent to what you would spend on your D wedding?
I’m not sure what we’ll do with our sons but I’m think we’ll play it by ear depending on who they end up with. I think one of our sons could afford to finance his own wedding. In five years he’ll be making more than us.
We have 3 daughters and a son. We gave the same lump sum amount to our two daughters that got married in the past 2 years; we will be giving the same amount to our son and other daughter when each of them marries. Money was for whatever the engaged couple wanted to use it for. I haven’t quite figured out what to do if either of the remaining two decides to never marry.
I’m MOG, three days away from S’s wedding - the first of our 3 kids to get married.
@mom60, we have the same situation of his fiance coming from basically a single parent household with not many financial resources. We gave them a “lump sum” and said we’d do the rehearsal dinner. Over the course of planning, we ended up picking up this and that here and there because it just seemed/felt right. Postage stamps for invitations, tips for the catering staff, candy for the wedding favors, etc. - $50 here, $100 there.
They have been SOOO appreciative that I feel absolutely wonderful to make some simple things "happen " for them.
In terms of “equality” - I would personally say the past was maybe “wrong” in the traditions of the bride’s family having so many expenses or the bride getting so much assistance. The wedding should be a gift, not a bill to pay or chore to take care of - I sort of can’t imagine why I wouldn’t want to equally “gift” all my kids. By the same token, I’m not going to itemize and keep things even down to the dollar.
“I haven’t quite figured out what to do if either of the remaining two decides to never marry.”
@hoosiermom, that’s when you make those bucket list ideas a reality. In other words: time to think about yourself and hubby. You will have earned the splurge.
What does the “lump sum” look like? Is it 4 figures? 5 figures? 6 figures?
5 figures 6 figures?? you are living a life I’m not living LOL.
Like everything else, I’m sure “it depends” on all circumstances–the givers and recipients, as well as what folks feel is “right.” 
:-/
You give what feels right for you. There is no particular formula.
I only have daughters. Both have/had weddings this year. In D2’s case, the groom’s parents ARE contributing, on top of my contribution. My future son-in-law said his parents gave the same to each of their kids, whether male or female, toward their weddings. However, he actually got a bit more than his siblings because he is the youngest and last to be married, and his parents decided to account for inflation.