As a couple who planned and paid for our own wedding, we told our kids that we would gift them college educations with minimal debt; weddings were theirs to plan according to what they could afford with their future spouse.
By the time of the weddings (one boy, one girl), I was a widow and wedding gift checks were given on wedding days without regard for the wedding (or elopement) costs.
@VeryHappy, my suggestion is to determine your gift amount, in honor of the marriage and in consideration of what you can afford. You can then offer to help the couple with expenses; you can set that number as your upper limit or you can set a lower number so that you can truly ‘gift’ the excess.
Our son is gay, so my husband’s approach to this is to declare “Dibs on the rehearsal dinner!” (meaning the other groom’s family will have to pay for the wedding) every time the topic comes up. I’ve repeated told him I doubt the other groom’s family is going to fall for that! Our son is not even dating anyone seriously, so hope springs eternally for my husband!
On a serious note, we will decide what we are comfortable contributing, write a check and hope for an invitation. That’s what my parents did when I was a bride and I truly appreciated it. My husband’s parents very generously paid for the rehearsal dinner and we truly appreciated that. We were raised to not expect anything and we have raised our son the same way. Then whatever is given is truly a gift and, hopefully, graciously received.
For my daughters, I offered them a certain sum of money for their weddings. When I offered it to D2 and actually her fiancé was in her presence as I offered to them both at once, they informed me that the groom’s parents had also made an offer of a sum of money toward the wedding. I didn’t know that when I made my offer, but it didn’t matter as I would have made the same offer regardless. So, the couple are planning their wedding using the total budget of the contributions from both of their parents. So, the expenses didn’t come first. The sum amount is their budget and then they figured out the items to fit it. The groom’s parents are also paying for a rehearsal dinner for the wedding party. My sum toward the wedding is larger than theirs but I never expected theirs (back in my day, the bride’s parents paid), but I hugely appreciate all they are doing for the kids. This is their youngest to get married and they offered this apparently to all their kids no matter their gender. When my D1 got engaged soon after D2 did, i obviously offered her and her fiancé the same amount I offered the younger D who got engaged first. Both couples had free rein to plan any kind of wedding they wanted and simply had the budget ahead of their planning, and soon after their engagements happened. I consider this my wedding gift to both couples. However, with D1’s wedding this past week, even though the wedding amount of money was their big gift, I got them a couple of small gifts as keepsakes to open.
@soozievt, we did much like you: offered our D & fiance an amount to spend as they choose. While it’s still months away, I also would like to buy them something/ small keepsake to open. But I have no clue as to what. Care to share what you gave-- or any ideas??
My mom bought my sis and BIL a nice Tiffany crystal clock as a shower/wedding gift. They also contributed to wedding costs. Something like that or a nice serving platter or dish might be memorable. My sis gave us a TV, because she doubted we’d have one otherwise (likely correct). We gave niece a KitchenAid Mixer, which was on her registry.
@gosmom Happy to share, though I think every situation is different. This couple did not have a registry. They had a VERY small wedding (though it still cost a bunch with all the elements and they made a four day celebration of sorts of out of it). This couple also recently set up an apartment with almost all new things, the types of things one might get as wedding gifts. They did get a few gifts from relatives.
Anyway, in my case, the sum of money I offered both my daughters and their respective fiancees for their weddings (and lo and behold, I had no idea they were going to be just months apart) is a significant financial challenge for me but something I feel strongly about and in my family’s circumstances that I don’t wish to get into here. So, truly I consider the sum of money given to each couple as my true wedding gift and I believe they were not expecting any other gifts from me. I just thought it would be fun to have something to open besides the card and check at our gathering and I decided to make it keepsakes rather than items they needed (and they really didn’t need anything all that much). Plus I needed to keep it small on top of my additional expenses I incurred just attending their wedding out of town too. So, I got two things and they appeared to really like them. One was a silver Lenox picture frame meant for a wedding portrait and it is engraved with their names and wedding date. It has two interlocking hearts on the design. I also got them Lenox champagne flutes that had a similar silver base and design and the glasses are also engraved with their names and wedding date and my hope was they would use these for toasting on each anniversary (they do like champagne) or any other occasion. So, that was their little extra gift.
^^^Thanks. Just to clarify, those are the extra momentos I got for D1 and spouse at their wedding this past week. I haven’t thought about just what I might do for a little extra for D2. One at a time for now (other than the monetary offers to fund their weddings were exactly the same amount, though their weddings are quite different).
Thanks to all of you for your suggestions, and also to those who PM’d me. Keep those thoughts coming.
It now appears that DH is also going to be a challenge. When I suggested a dollar amount for us to give – which we can easily afford – his eyes got big and he said, No way!! He really has no idea about these things! (And the number was by no means obscene.)
Right now I’m leaning toward offering to pay for the rehearsal dinner and the liquor at the reception (assuming I can get DH to agree --), but I’m going to chew on this for a little while longer. I may change my mind.
I also anticipate that, as we get closer to the date, things will come up that we’ll handle.
For us, the budget always comes first with everything, but I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to do it-just a right or wrong way for you.
If I were in your shoes, I’d give 30k (or whatever doesn’t make your husband expire from shock) to the kids and say “use this for your wedding, or for a downpayment on a house, or to travel-it is our wedding gift to you”. Then they can choose how to use it, and there’s no worry of “outshining” the bride’s parents-they know you have money, it’s not a mystery :). If you don’t tag the money to anything specific , nobody can point to it and say “whoah S’s parents are really flashy or over the top with that 8 foot 12 tier cake!”
Older D would probably put all the gift money into retirement and get married at the courthouse. Younger D would spend it on unicorns and doves at the wedding. It’s all good-I don’t like strings attached to money at all. If I can’t give without expectations, I don’t.
^ Perhaps you can send your H a bunch of articles on wedding costs, and how they are being handled between families these days. Let him digest that info before resuming the discussion, and perhaps then asking him to suggest what he thinks might be appropriate.
@VeryHappy, As a parent of a bride, I can tell you we would very much welcome the groom’s family to outshine us. A friend confided in me that the parents of their son-in-law paid for their guests costs for the reception. I thought that was awesome- plus the rehearsal dinner. They did not then invite 50 extra guests, but it gave the bridal couple a little more breathing room when they planned whom to invite.
Our daughters future in-laws are paying for the rehearsal dinner, but have indicated that they think that should just be the bridal party, and not the out of town guests too. I understand that as the majority of the guests will be from out of town and may well show up the day before, but I think they are in comparable financial status as us. When our son’s get married, I don’t think we’ll offer as much as we are for our daughter, but we’ll do more than just the rehearsal dinner.
I can assure you that many (most?) of us are not giving 30K! So I’ll speak for myself and say that amount is NOT the standard (much,much less for us!) .
Yeah, I don’t have 30kx2 to give to the girls right now (other than their 529’s for college). 30k was the number given out by a PP as an example they were considering.
The number doesn’t matter AT ALL-it’s what you feel good about giving.
I have to agree with @abasket. We’re the parents of a bride and that’s nowhere near what we are giving our daughter. As I guess we’ve all found out on this forum is that YMMV, is very true. Our daughter is not a recent college grad - she knows the value of a dollar and would never want us to spend that kind of money for a one day event. Nor could we afford it.
Making it clear that I wasn’t “dissing” a 30K wedding allowance/gift, just saying that speaking for our family our wedding contribution is no where near this amount - so don’t choke on your coffee if you’re thinking yours should be!
The more I’ve read on this and other threads, the more I think that the budget should come first: both sets of parents should give the couple a figure. Then the couple can figure out what they would like to do in terms of number of attendees, venue, etc. If they want an extremely chic, upscale venue: fewer guests. If they want more guests, a less expensive venue and perhaps an event more relaxed in character: a country wedding with a tea length dress instead of a satin gown with a train at the Plaza.
BTW, I see nothing wrong with a rehearsal dinner that includes only the bridal party and SOs plus parents, grandparents, and siblings who are not in the bridal party, if any. That was the traditional thing. Of course, a big bash with out of town guests and all can be a lot of fun, But not everyone can afford it, even if it is pretty casual, unless they can have it at their own house, which is tough if the groom’s family is traveling to the location.
BTWm @VeryHappy, I’d be inclined to go for rehearsal dinner plus a lump sum. Let them decide how to allot the budget to liquor: beer and wine, or an open bar, or whatever.
