What we did with our daughter and future sil was tell them what our budget was and give them free rein to do whatever they wanted with it. We didn’t care what kind of affair they had. Their choice. Our only desire was that the kids, his parents and us be able to have as guests everyone who was important to us all including telling his parents that we didn’t subscribe to any numbers game theories based on us bring the parents of the bride and they should invite who ever they want. We also had no expectations as to any contributions by the groom’s parents. Being the generous people they are and having the means to do it, they have paid for the flowers, rehearsal dinner and the honeymoon. Their extended family has also dived in to share in the costs of the shower. All of this without us ever saying a word. We are very fortunate. His family has considered our daughter part of their family, like another daughter, for several years.
"I can see there could be a relationship between the cost and the longevity. If a planned big wedding inhibits the couple from calling it off and forces them proceed, they may end up getting divorced soon after. A smaller wedding will be easier to call off. That could add to higher statistics. It’s not that a big wedding is negative on the marriage just that you tend to go through with it when you shouldn’t have. "
You’re assuming that divorces are a function of “I knew we shouldn’t get married at the time but just went along with it.” This is a very odd assumption. Plenty of people are perfectly happy when they marry - and people change over the years, and may get divorced umpteen years later. It doesn’t mean that they had cold feet at the moment of marriage.
In most every other area of life, having more money is associated with positive outcomes – better health, better education, more life stability, etc. Funny how this one would be different.
It’s almost like arguing that the less someone spends on college, the better educated they are, or the more they appreciate it.
Here’s a link to the study: http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=2501480
“A Diamond is Forever’ and Other Fairy Tales: The Relationship between Wedding Expenses and Marriage Duration”
Abstract:
And a summary of the study from the media:
Obviously one study does not prove anything, but it is incorrect to say that there is “no data” to support that. An accurate statement would be that there is “some data” to support an inverse correlation between wedding expenses and duration of wedding.
Well, then, I guess the people who don’t get married at all must have the highest rate of staying together! LOL.
But that still comes back to an old-fashioned tradition stemming from a time when women married young and essentially moved from their parent’s household to their husband’s.
I don’t see what difference it makes that it “comes from the old-fashioned tradition.” Lots of things we do stem from old-fashioned traditions. Most women choose to wear white on their wedding day even though … well, you get the picture.
“Obviously one study does not prove anything, but it is incorrect to say that there is “no data” to support that. An accurate statement would be that there is “some data” to support an inverse correlation between wedding expenses and duration of wedding.”
Except for any given couple, their duration is their duration – it’s not like you can “buy” a longer duration if you decide to skimp on the flowers and have Aunt Maisie make the wedding cake. It’s irrelevant for any given couple. It just makes people who for whatever reason can’t spend a lot feel better about that fact. Which is silly … you can only afford what you can afford, there’s no shame either way.
That’s just the nature of any sort of statistical correlation - for example, a study correlating consumption of olive oil to the rate of cardiovascular disease. It’s the difference between “evidence” and “anecdote”.
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I don’t see what difference it makes that it "comes from the old-fashioned tradition.
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It’s a problem when people feel some sort of obligation to spend money on something they can’t really afford.
This thread is entitled what “should” the groom’s “family” pay (with “family” apparently meaning mom & dad – I’ve never heard talk of siblings chipping in).
The only right answer is “whatever they feel like paying” – which can be 0 if the parents are facing hard times or are unhappy about the marriage, and it can be paying for the whole darn thing if the parents are wealthy and the bride’s family isn’t able to pitch in, or the parents just want to spring for a lot more than the bride’s family can afford.
There is no law requiring groom’s parents to subsidize a wedding, nor is there any moral obligation. Even the “tradition” is something that only ever applied within a constrained cultural and socio-economic class.
“I’ve never heard talk of siblings chipping in.”
Lol – I paid for my sister’s wedding in full. She would have been happy with a very inexpensive wedding, but I was making a ton of money at the time and wanted a creative project, so my sister let me plan a tasteful but quite extravagant wedding for her.
I’m sure she would have preferred the $$ but I never in a million years would have given her money in lieu of the party. I honestly don’t think she cared one way or another but it was very fun for me.
(In retrospect, given all the life events that came after – illness, divorce, the 2008 recession – it probably wasn’t the wisest use of money but who can predict what life will throw you).
“It’s a problem when people feel some sort of obligation to spend money on something they can’t really afford.”
It was very clear that this was in a context of “assuming they had the money to do so.” Consolation’s post about her friend, for example, referenced specific economic parameters. No one was saying that EVERYONE should spend $x even if it meant giving up their diabetes medication and moving to a cardboard box.
Anyway, people who feel an obligation to spend money on things they can’t afford - then they need to man up and say I can’t afford this. There’s no shame in living within one’s means. No one expects the janitor and the waitress to provide a sit down dinner for 200 at the Ritz for their kid.
Agree with Pizzagirl. I think most of us on Cc at least are pretty much in the " don’t spend what you can’t afford" camp. That is in reference to colleges as well as weddings.
In our case as both the parents of a bride or the groom we can afford to pay for a nice wedding.
My H ran into a neighbor this weekend at the beach. He mentioned his S is getting married next month. He told my H he didn’t know much about the wedding since he wasn’t paying for it. He said he paid for the weddings of his 2 daughters and it was someone else’s turn to pay. This is a man who does very well in life. He said he spent 50000 on each wedding. Destination weddings in Hawaii from the west coast. Not sure how many guests.
I don’t plan to discriminate by gender as to what I contribute toward S and D. It makes no sense to me. To me, ideally, parents of the the happy couple will contribute what they wish and the couple will spend what they wish and things work out nicely. Hard for me to justify why bride’s family should pay nearly all vs groom’s parents.
I think it depends on the families’ financial situations. With DS#1 we paid a lot, but probably less than the bride’s family. If DS#2 married his. Gf, her family will not be contributing to the cost, and we will want to be fair and have our s have a nice wedding. DS knows the numbers. It will be his call. But we would want to do the right thing by our s and his potential future w. We have friends whose 2 sons got married within a few months of each other. Both had beautiful, high end weddings. Difference was, the family of bride #2 had very little $, but the family wanted both boys to have comparable events (their priority for their sons). SO they paid for the second wedding, and it was a grand event.
Ok…here is the rub. As parent of the bride, we will be taking the lead on planning the wedding for our daughter. To be honest, if the grooms family wants a fancy schmancy wedding because their other son had one…that just might not be possible. It’s really our call.
Of course, we will welcome any contributions the grooms family would like to make…but if it is to make the wedding up to a higher standard, to be honest, that would offend me.
After being the MOG this weekend for our first family wedding, I have to step back and say and think…these are adults getting married, right? Whether they are 21 or 31 - they are adults, hopefully acting adult and should be making adult decisions and planning their wedding. Yes? No?
That’s why I like the “no strings attached” (for the most part) wedding $ gift. They are adults. They should plan what they want - not be directed by their parents/family to what they should have.
On the flip side, if the groom’s family were to contribute, why shouldn’t they be able to set the standard as much as the bride’s family?
If my daughter were to marry a wealthy person, and my planned budget was to have a reception for 150 people at a nice hotel, but the groom’s family wanted a reception for 300+ people at a 5 star hotel in NYC, plus cocktail at some well known rooftop club, unless the groom’s family wanted to pay over and above what I was willing to pay then I would do it my way. On the other hand, once I took the groom’s family money then I would no longer be the only host for the reception. I think that’s why when groom’s family contribute it is usually for a particular thing, like flowers, photographer, transportation, because they are still letting the bride’s family be the host of wedding reception.
And by the same token, if one’s son married someone who was a poor as a church mouse, you could really offend by giving a lot of money for the wedding specifically. It could be read as “you don’t know how to do any better but we do.” One might conceivably “tone it down” in that circumstance to something nice but more modest than they might do for a daughter.
^^^ In MY book, it’s not the POB or POG (“parents of”) wedding to plan/decide if it’s a 5 star/decide if it’s cake and punch…it’s the bride and groom’s decision.
We are all different of course. but I didn’t feel at all like our wedding this weekend was given by MOB or by us. It was planned and executed by the bride and groom with us assisting where and when they wanted/needed it. So THEY decided 5 star hotel or cake and punch - and we supported them to make it happen - when they asked for help.
Just out of curiosity, would the invitation be worded differently depending on who was hosting the wedding?
For my nephew’s wedding, the reception invitation was “Bride’s parents request the honor…,” and the rehearsal reception invitations was “Groom’s parents invite you…”