I am only a college student now, but I’ve always considered this topic when thinking about the future as my parents heard jokes about paying for three weddings frequently (1 of their 3 daughters). Even then, I knew it was unfair (go eight year old feminist me!) and had no idea why my parents were supposed to fully fund the weddings of three children just because they were so lucky to have all girls
Some background: My parents are relatively well off, and are incredibly generous in my opinion- I am not full-pay in school and receive a mix of scholarships and financial aid. My parents cover the leftovers and do not expect to be paid back at all- my only “skin in the game” was the $3500 subsidized Stafford loan and some work-study freshman year, before I was an RA and my cost dropped significantly. I would feel guilty asking them to fund my wedding as well, especially the brunt of it as tradition seems to dictate. I doubt my parents will pay for much, but I know they also won’t care to have much say either in terms of who needs to be invited. Luckily for me, I’m a total finance nerd who has no interest in blowing $30k on one night.
Tl;dr: I’m operating under the assumption that my spouse and I will fund the entire wedding, and have complete autonomy over size, guest list, etc. I would not be surprised if my parents pitched in a few hundred dollars to cover a category of sorts- flowers, dress, DJ, whatever- as a gift, and presumably wouldn’t be surprised if MIL/FIL offered the same, but wouldn’t plan on it.
Okay, so now reading through this thread… I am truly blown away at some of the figures being thrown out, for both wedding costs and parental contribution. Maybe it’s because I’m still a teenager and haven’t been making an adult income for a while, much less saving on one, but holy cow! I couldn’t imagine. I can’t tell if this is just sample bias of CC having a lot of generous parents, or if I’ve just never realized that this a huge expense in parenting.
@novafan1225 I got married last year. The figures here are nothing like what my wedding was. I can’t remember the exact figure (and I did go over budget) but it was below 10k. I could’ve kept it much lower but there were things that were important to me like local alcohol and locally grown food.
Out of curiosity I was googling costs at a few of the nicer venues in my area and stumbled upon this website. I’m not sure how accurate it is but it gives rough costs for an “average” wedding at a given venue. I assume this is just for the reception cost alone.
It doesn’t have to be a huge expense in parenting. But many parents want to contribute something to their children’s weddings; many want to give their kids a monetary gift when they start their marriages. Sometimes the latter is a lump sum that can be allocated as the kids want, for a wedding, a honeymoon, a down payment on a home, etc.
A few hundred dollars wouldn’t usually cover flowers, a dress, or a DJ, but it could, if you’re creative and like to bargain-hunt (and, in the case of the DJ, have a friend who’s a DJ).
You never know, frazzled, my D got her wedding dress on Ebay for $200.
And my reception in 1987 probably cost my parents about $2000. I spent $150 on my dress back then - it was a sample. I only had a wedding to appease my mom, and I have regretted it ever since! I wanted to elope.
My brother’s reception was not AT the Jefferson House, it was in my parents’ backyard, but the food was prepared and served by the J.H. staff and chefs - who were all friends of my brother and SIL. They continued their Upstairs/Downstairs life (and they were definitely Downstairs) by working for Mrs. Pew (yes, that one) and then the estate after she died.
I’m late to this thread. But it seems strange to me that in this day and age, many adhere to old fashioned patriarchy. The parent’s bride traditionally pays for the wedding and party as they are “giving” their daughter to another man. Even when I got married in 1983, I thought this was strange. At the time, I called my parents and my husband called his, and asked if they had budgeted anything for our wedding. They sent us the amount and DH and I planned the wedding and reception we could afford. My financial adviser, a traditionalist, told me we needed to set aside 100K for DDs wedding and half that for our son’s. If they get married, and if I can afford that amount, it will be gifted and they can plan what to do with it.
Did you know there is an inverse relationship between the cost of the wedding and how long the marriage lasts?
I don’t believe that there’s an inverse relationship between cost and how long it lasts. I suspect that’s something just made up by people who want to believe that’s there more nobility in cake and punch in the living room than the Ritz, and want mightily to believe that people who can afford things they can’t must be shallow and unloving. I am willing to bet there is zero relationship.
If I pay for my D’s wedding, it’s not because of the tradition. To me, wedding feels more like a girl’s party, dress, flower. I would like to help her have her dream wedding regardless of what groom’s side contributes. Up to a limit, of course.
Agree with Pizzagirl about the cost/longevity factor. There’s no data to support that and I can point to many expensive weddings where the marriage has withstood the test of time. I can also point to relatively inexpensive weddings where the marriages failed within a few years. And I can point to weddings where the opposite of each also occurred. It’s the people, the relationship and how they approach life issues and decision making that ultimately impacts on the duration of the marriage, not the cost of the wedding.
As to the tradition of the bride’s family paying for the cost of the wedding, in my mind, without having any factual basis for doing so, I always assumed it derived from the whole notion of a dowry. Since the bride’s family no longer gives the couple a bunch of sheep, cattle and chickens with which to start life together, they pay for a bunch of dead cooked ones for everyone to eat .
In my family, I had a 15 people wedding, my brother had a 500 people elaborate Chinese wedding, and my sister had a traditional 200 people wedding at a manor. My brother and sister are still very happily married, and I am divorced. Maybe the opposite is true - when you put a lot more effort and thoughts into a wedding, one takes it more seriously (of course, this hypothesis is probably false also).
One or two examples don’t make it a trend or counter trend. I can see there could be a relationship between the cost and the longevity. If a planned big wedding inhibits the couple from calling it off and forces them proceed, they may end up getting divorced soon after. A smaller wedding will be easier to call off. That could add to higher statistics. It’s not that a big wedding is negative on the marriage just that you tend to go through with it when you shouldn’t have. If your kid is in love and getting married, no need to worry about the size of the wedding. They may still get divorced down the road, but it won’t be because of the wedding, big or small. Another factor could be on average stuckup people tend to have a big wedding and there’s a higher rate of divorce among stuckups? No idea if that’s true.
Exactly my point. It is based on old fashioned patriarchal values. You may not see a link because it’s “tradition” in your family. I didn’t make the idea that those with more expensive weddings have higher rates of divorce. Google it.
I did google it and the one study done simply claims there is a correlation, not causation. So choosing to have or not have an expensive wedding itself has no demonstrable effect on the duration of the marriage. For that matter, it’s being recommended that the couple invite a scope of guests well beyond those who have actual meaning and importance in the couple’s lives. So, jack the costs up by inviting people who you really don’t care about or have close relationships with, cheap out on the accoutrements of the celebration and you will have a long successful marriage. Yeah, that’s the ticket!
The guest list for D’s wedding was made up only of people who had a relationship/connection with the bride,groom or couple. So some of our friends who don’t know D were not invited. We ended up with 140 people but still spent a lot! No regrets.
You make choices. You can have a cheap wedding or expensive one or anything in between. Other than doing whatever is required for the marriage license, there is literally nothing that a wedding requires.
The issue isn’t how much a wedding costs, the question was “how much should the grooms family pay.” It sounds to me like many on this thread want to have a big party for their daughter. That is fine and they are free to pay whatever they want. But the groom’s family shouldn’t be expected to pay anything, unless this is something he and his family want as well. This is why it’s best to give the couple the money and let them decide.
I think I said there was a relationship. Certainly not a cause.
