Someone upstream suggested that grooms oarents might want to pay more so they could have a say in the wedding plans…and invite more guests…etc.
What I am saying…even if the grooms family can afford a huge lavish wedding at a five star hotel whether they also pay for accommodations for all the guests…that is NOT the wedding we would be hosting for our daughter…and to be honest, I would feel very uncomfortable upping the wedding that much in terms of cost and “prestige”.
When our daughter gets married, I view this as the time for our family to host an event to celebrate the wedding. Certainly if the grooms family wishes to contribute, that would be lovely…maybe for specifics as mentioned upstream, flowers, alcohol,make or something.
And I would be mighty offended if they said something like “we would love to contribute more to the wedding costs so the kids can have 300 guests at the Ritz instead of 100 guests at a garden wedding”.
I have a son also…and will be very sensitive to how I approach contributing to his (hopefully someday) wedding.
Another “head shaker” to me…why do we (still) often look at the wedding is “for the bride” ??? Totally don’t get that.
Truth is, that back in the day, the groom’s family was traditionally responsible for less because we put lesser importance on the groom. To me, that is wrong!!!
H and I decided to have our fathers give each of us away. We saw this at someone else’s wedding and like it a lot. Each father, when asked who gave this man/woman replied Her/His mother and I do.
Our minister supported the notion that a wedding was a kind of binding together of two families, and that each family was “giving” their child to the marriage. I liked that.
I guess I differ from some of you in that even though I am paying for the wedding (and in the case of D2, groom’s parents are significantly contributing), that it really is the kids’ affair. They are choosing everything themselves and have free reign to do so. They have the budget of the money they were given. It is not my affair, even though I am paying. They have made all the arrangements themselves. I did ask for a break down of the budget of where the money went or will go to, but didn’t give input into any of their decisions. I wanted both daughters to have the kind of weddings that they and their partners wanted. In D2’s case, where the groom’s parents are also contributing, plus paying for rehearsal dinner, they also have given the kids the lump sum contribution with no strings attached as to the details of the wedding.
As far as the invitations, D1’s said that “X and Y request the honor of your presence…” with both their names. D2’s says that “you are invited to X and Y’s wedding.” These are their weddings, even though they are funded by the parents.
Back when I got married in 1977 at age 20, and the wedding was entirely paid for by my parents (bride) and in my hometown, even though I lived away from home in my college city, my parents were very much involved in planning in the affair and their names were on the invitation. I think some of these traditions are changing.
For S1’s wedding last year, the invitation said “Together with their families” (in small lettering) “Bride and Groom” (their names in larger, bolder lettering) … …
They planned for and paid for the wedding themselves. We gave them a lump sum to use however and for whatever they chose. All through the wedding process, we were sensitive to DIL’s family’s economic circumstances and did not want to do anything to offend them.
OTOH, we just attended a friend’s son’s wedding where the invitation said “Mr and Mrs. X invite you to the wedding of Bride’s name to Groom’s name, son of Mr and Mrs Y”. Bride’s family paid for this wedding. This was a more traditional wedding than I’ve attended recently. They did the garter and bouquet toss, which I haven’t seen done in awhile.
Thumper: I guess I would prefer (especially as the mom of sons) a collaborative approach to initial planning among the bride and groom, and both sets of parents, with the wished of the bride and groom most important. That seems to be what I see in the weddings of friends and family of late. I just don’t see why those who love the groom would be less interested in celebrating with him and his family than those who love the bride.
I agree with you that the groom’s family should not push the couple into a more elaborate event than they want, even if they have more money or want to include guests that the kids don’t want. OTOH, if the bride and groom want a more elaborate event than the bride’s parents are willing to provide, I am not sure I agree that the bride’s parent should veto the kids wishes, just because the grooms family is willing and able to pay for a bigger event. It is up to the kids, within the budget provided by the parents, (But we would not be the parents that want to host a more elaborate event, unless the alternative was a picnic in the park).
I took my family’s wished into account when I got married, but it was primarily our celebration, not theirs. I had a more traditional wedding than I probably wanted, to honor my parents wishes and they way our extended family celebrated these events.
FallGirl - that’s not at all unusual in Jewish weddings, where the bride and the groom are escorted down the aisle by both of their parents. I think it’s a nice sentiment, personally.
When W and I got married, my parents assumed W’s family would pay for the wedding. W is from a culture where the groom’s family pays, so her family assumed my parents would pay.
We just laughed at the situation and paid for everything ourselves. To this day our respective parents probably still think the other side paid. Personally I think every couple should go into it assuming they’ll pay for everything on their own, and anything they get from the parents should be a pleasant surprise which should go towards a house or into an IRA, or maybe an upgraded honeymoon.
For the weddings I’ve been involved in planning, the focus has been on how to make the event fun, enjoyable and comfortable for the guests, not on whose “day” it is.
I think bride’s parents and groom’s parents should give what they can/want to give to the bride and groom for their wedding celebration.
We gave D and SIL a lump sum we could afford (I had been saving monetary gifts from my mom for several years) and bought her the dress she wanted. They included us and asked for our input on many things (music, flowers, linens, chairs, menu) but final decisions were made by the bride and groom. Our gift did not cover the entire cost of the reception, so D and SIL covered the rest.
We will give the same lump sum for S when (if) he marries. We will pay for the rehearsal dinner, too. Wedding Dress = Rehearsal Dinner?
SIL’s parents hosted an extravagant rehearsal dinner (their family tradition) for about 100 guests. I think D and SIL would have rather had a smaller rehearsal event, but this kept MOG happy (and busy!) so she couldn’t offer too many opinions about the wedding and reception. D and SIL had everything they desired on their wedding day. It was beautiful and they are very happy.
This thread has given me some food for thought…having both a son…and daughter.
First my son (if he gets married someday) …I think it will be easiest and nicest if we offer to pay for parts of the wedding event…rehearsal dinner, and maybe flowers and alcohol…or something.
For daughter, our plan is to fund her wedding in keeping with our budget. But we certainly would welcome the grooms family to offer to help out with the costs of something they would like to fund. Their choice.
thumper1 - have you sat down with the groom’s family to discuss the wedding - their expectations, number of guests? Or do you expect your D to broker the conversation. I wonder if both sides of parents sit down to discuss those things. I know for my nephew’s wedding, the bride’s family kept my sister informed, but didn’t necessary included her in all the planning. The bride’s parents were very generous on number of guests my sister could invite.
Those could vary significantly in price, if it matters.
Our thinking was along the lines of @soozievt, though we have s’s not d’s. The bride’s family (and our son and future DIL) were sweet enough to include us in all their plans, but as far as we were concerned, even though we were paying for parts of it-- it was their event and their plans.Since the “rehearsal dinner” that we hosted was really a dinner for everyone, held at the venue, they included the invitation to that event as a separate insert with the wedding invitation ( “XXX and XXXX invite you to begin the festivities with a …in honor of…”). There was also a cute “roadmap” of the weekend events in with the invitation. They picked the invitation and wording, but ran it by us, including little decisions like the color of the border for our insert.
They included us in the food tasting and the selection of the wines to be served (they coordinated it for when we were out there visiting), but we left all the final decisions to them. They selected the florist (family friend of theirs) and the kind of flowers they wanted (we were paying for the flowers). We had a teleconference to discuss their ideas for the flowers, and whether they wanted nosegays (which are small bouquets-- I learned that word in this process) or corsages (we all voted for nosegays that were then repurposed and put in vases at the wine table after the wedding). I had only one request, that was easily honored (I wanted DS#2’s gf to also have a nosegay bouquet to carry even though she wasn’t in the processional. She held them in the photos and carried them I believe when she sat down). I honestly don’t know when she was seated (DS #2 was the best man, so walked down with the matron of honor). Anyway-- the important thing to me was that DS’#2’s gf felt included.
Bottom line, we were happy to contribute and pay for the parts we did, even though we had very little ultimate say in their choices. They were wonderfully considerate in including us in the decision-making and genuinely seeking our input, even if some of it was a formality. Everyone was very sensitive to the feelings of others, IMO.
Now if DS#2 and gf get engaged, it will be very different, with different circumstances. I suggested they get married by an Elvis impersonator in Vegas.
When the time comes to plan a wedding (not there at this point) we will discuss the wedding plans first with DD and her fiancé…and get an idea of what they want. Then yes, we would include the other parents in on that information.
@thumper1 yes, half. If one can’t afford it, change the budget or the couple should pay themselves. Just can’t see why one family should be expected to pay more than the other - even if they have the money. Now if they choose to do so, that is different.
LOL, jym626. I think it will all work out. D did not choose the most expensive dress, but I think we can host a darn nice dinner for the same amount. Besides, I think I have a long time to save up.
Gee, I hope DD elopes! When DH and I got married in 1985, I had just finished law school and had a mountain of debt. Because we had been living together, my parents thought they were doing us a huge favor by just showing up; I don’t recall they gave us any gift at all. Our wedding was maybe a half step up from being married by a justice of the peace. We and our guests all fit on the chancel, so maybe about a dozen folks including us. All of us had dinner afterwards at a Chinese restaurant. It was all we could afford.
I think because of the wedding industry, DD (who thankfully doesn’t have an official boyfriend at the moment) thinks she wants a traditional wedding with all the trimmings. I’m willing to help her pay off her student loans but I’m not willing to pay for a big extravaganza plus our income is very modest, esp. by CC standards. If her future groom’s family wants to foot most of the bill, I would not be insulted. I have a feeling that any wedding and reception would be halfway across the country where she now lives, so in that case our (DH & me) guest list would be very, very modest.
We saw this at someone else’s wedding and like it a lot. Each father, when asked who gave this man/woman replied Her/His mother and I do.