Like with @jym626 situation with her oldest son who got married fairly recently, while my D2 and future SIL are making all their plans on their own and all the decisions are theirs to make, they have shared along the way. Sometimes I am consulted and sometimes merely updated. I did get to attend the tasting at the venue (they had picked the venue but discussed the choice with me ahead of time). I also was there for picking out the bridal dress. They really are directing the whole process and surely making the decisions, but I’m there to support and sometimes be consulted. They know I appreciate that since I am into it and also gave them the money and so like feeling a part of the fun of it. The wedding is in the city where they live and not where I live.
That’s a good way to phrase it, @soozievt Some things we were consulted on, and some we were updated. As an aside… time flies. Yes, DS got married… fairly recently. They celebrated their first anniversary over a week ago!
I do want to clarify that while I fully believe and support a couple’s abilities and honor to plan their own wedding that doesn’t mean that the parents of the bride and groom just “show up” and have no part in the planning or guiding if they ask for it.
Back in 1993 I removed “who gives this woman” and the word “obey” from the vows, and the two of us pretty much re-wrote our vows to reflect who we were as independent, adult individuals. Luckily there was a very chill Unity minister who was fine with our progressive views.
Some “old fashioned” things I like and I think are healthy behaviors. Some, not so much. I don’t think I’d do the garter belt today, but when we did it we made it funny rather than gross-my dress was enormous (cinderella had nothing on me) and H crawled under it, through it, and disappeared behind a curtain. People were like, omg where did he go? He returned with the garter (I never had it on me, it was sitting behind the curtain and he went out a back door and came in the front door). It got a huge laugh and my upper thighs were not flashed to the world.
@oldfort wrote
I’m of the opinion that the only people who should “set the standard” are the two getting married.
@nottelling wrote
This only causes problems if you have a spoiled brat of a daughter (or soon to be son in law) and I’d say you have WAY bigger problems ahead of you than trying to figure out how to dole out the money. If you give them 10k and the groom’s parents give them 10k, and they blow the groom’s parent’s money on shoes, then it looks like they’re choosing to have a 10k wedding instead of a 20k wedding. The parents should not be “throwing a wedding”. The engaged couple are presumably not babies-they’re grownups old enough to get married! You can throw them some other kind of party if you’re really jonesing for it.
Why shouldn’t parents throw a wedding if all are amenable? I don’t get the logic.
^^It’s America, you can throw a wedding for your dogs if you want. 
I don’t think it should be expected or “normal” that the parents are in charge of the wedding, was what I was trying to say.
My D is getting married this summer and groom’s parents have offered to pay for nothing. However, they did complain when my D asked them to cut their guest list to the same amount that our family is inviting. Yep, I resent all the demands they are making and it is killing me, but I try to never comment in front of my future son in law whom I happen to love!
Worse, his mother complained loudly about not getting to go wedding dress shopping, but when asked if she wanted to go with her S to get his tux she responded, “you’ve seen one tux, you’ve seen them all” and didn’t go. I have to say she totally missed out. I went and future SIL was so excited about picking out every little detail of his attire. He beamed and many pictures were taken. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world!
Those people are going to get worse, not better! The attitude you have is good.
Post #466 is an example IMO of when old traditions (the groom’s family has less (or in this case, none!) of the financials to carry.
I don’t have a problem with parents - bride or groom PAYING for a good bit - or all -of the wedding if they can afford it - but it is my opinion that the bride and groom should be the leads in the decisions. If they want a small wedding and don’t want oodles of parent friends they don’t know - then that should be the decision - no matter who’s paying. Paying IMO doesn’t give your rights over aspects of the wedding.
And I suppose that gives parents the preogative to say, “nope, I’m not paying for a bunch of belly dancers at the reception even if bride/groom want it.”
Southerncalimom, I guess I don’t think I’d have any difficulty setting a boundary. For example, "the venue holds 100 people. The kids invited 20, so you can have 40.
No, we can’t have roses. We gave the kids a budget and they know they must stay within that limit. "
Things like that.
“paying IMO doesn’t give you rights over aspects of the wedding,’ but then " you have the prerogative to say nope to belly dancers.” The second statement contradicts the first and is exactly what makes the paying aspect so very complicated.
It is just as easy to say if you don’t want to hear my opinion then don’t take my money! The bride and groom are welcome to pay for it all themselves and go have any crazy wedding they would like!
However, with all that being said…I’m am personally happy to let my D and future SIL. I do consider his parents to be guests…important guests, but guests; and they should behave accordingly.
What’s that old saying? The mother of the groom should wear beige and keep quiet.
Since this is a college forum, I’ll liken how I handled my kids’ weddings to how I handled their college and graduate school educations. In all these instances, I paid. But they were free to choose whatever college they wanted to attend and major in whatever they wished. Even though I am paying for their weddings, all the decisions about these are theirs to make. In all these instances, I supported their wishes, and felt a part of it, but never told them what to do.
Well, if as a MOG, with less than 6 people attending from my family, I would like a vegetarian/fish/kosher meal. I’d like to fund hotel rooms for sons friends who are still grad students. Everything else, I leave to the couple or the bride’s family. I know I will host a local party for the couple, in my area. Also, meals before and after for my guests. None my friends will travel for a wedding. ( I said all this before, when a wedding was in sight. Currently, I have no idea what the future holds, so I could change my mind)
It will be up to my daughter and her partner to decide if she wants a wedding with 100 people for a sit-down dinner with dancing; a small elegant dinner for 20; or just two friends as witnesses before a justice of the peace.
I’ll provide a reasonable budget for whatever kind of wedding she chooses, so long as I am able (at least until the day (God willing) that she is making more money than I am) but my budget for the first category of wedding is going to be a lot higher than the budget for the second category. And I probably wouldn’t contribute to the third category; the couple would be on their own for a wedding without guests.
What I wouldn’t do is say, “Here’s $20,000; go have the kind of wedding that you want and keep the change.” That’s just not the way I spend money. If it is my money, I would want to know that there is value for the money, etc. I’d want to review the vendor contracts, etc. That’s just me.
But then again, I don’t think of a wedding as a gift to the couple; it is more of a family event in my way of thinking.
" I do consider his parents to be guests…important guests, but guests; and they should behave accordingly."
“The mother of the groom should wear beige and keep quiet.”
Wow, we are TOTALLY on different pages. I can’t even…different strokes!!!
“paying IMO doesn’t give you rights over aspects of the wedding,’ but then " you have the prerogative to say nope to belly dancers.” The second statement contradicts the first and is exactly what makes the paying aspect so very complicated.
Let me explain better.
If you’re writing the checks, that doesn’t mean your are driving the bus. Just because you are paying, the wedding should always take the bride/groom’s choices first.
However, that doesn’t mean you have to nod and pay for every aspect - like the belly dancers.
So yeah, there is some give and take. I would hope the bride and groom would also keep both families abreast and perhaps really think about certain aspects that might be important to a side of the family. However that doesn’t mean they have to meet every whim that the future inlaws want.
And if my child’s future spouse’s family were hosting and paying for the bulk of the wedding, my willingness to pitch in would definitely depend on the plans.
Let say I could theoretically afford to spend up to $15K on the wedding that my daughter’s future spouses’s family was doing the planning and hosting. (For my daughter, this would be the groom’s family). Let’s further say that that amount, while doable, would definitely require sacrifices. Whether I would actually contribute that amount – or anything at all – would depend on the plans.
Let’s say the groom’s family was loaded had earmarked $100K for an over-the-top extravaganza that in my opinion was tacky, tacky, tacky. If I were asked to contribute, say, $10K to this extravaganza so that they could pile on some additional garish items that I find in poor taste, would I sacrifice my limited funds to contribute? Honestly, no, i wouldn’t. I would happily attend as a guest and keep my mouth shut but I wouldn’t contribute.
If, on the other hand, they were planning a tasteful $20K wedding for, say, 100 guests and they asked me to contribute half, I probably would say okay, even though the spouse’s side had control of the event.
But, alternatively, just to spin another scenario, I wouldn’t contribute $10K of my hard-earned dough for a $20K wedding if the plan was for the couple to take four of their closest friends on an all-expenses-paid blow-out wedding weekend in Maui. That’s just not what I want to spend my money on.
Here is what I am picking up from this conversation.
When parents of bride and/or groom are paying, that create a lot of opportunity for drama / resentment / conflict among the parents. It is also resentment that is tied to expenditures of potentially a very large amount of money.
How much of that conflict ends up being laid on the shoulders of the newlywed couple? How much of that conflict / tension is apparent at the time of the wedding / rehearsal dinner / reception? How much of that tension hangs on after the wedding, for months or years?
Fine if everyone agrees and gets along – but if not, is it going to be a problem that festers and burdens the couple, to bubble up over the years with any major event involving both families? The arrival of grandchildren, the planning of a baptism, christening, baby-naming?
I wouldn’t want my first experience my kids’ in-laws to be something that made me uncomfortable or cost me money.
When my son was married, it was a situation that could have been very tense – but everyone pretty much paid their own way at the restaurants. The marriage didn’t last long, but I’ve survived the divorce with cordial relations with ex-wife’s mom, dad, & sisters – which is helpful as the ex-in-laws live relatively close and we have a shared grandson. It’s nice that when the mom brings the grandson to town for a visit that they almost always make a point of calling me and arranging for DGS to have an overnight with me.
My DD mentioned that FSIL’s parents gave them some money towards the wedding. I didn’t ask how much. I know the family is of modest means. I offered to pick up one particular charge for my d., and will be giving what I consider a nice monetary gift at the time of the wedding. The kids will know who has pitched in what. I won’t, and I doubt that the other set of parents will either. We will meet in person for the first time at the rehearsal dinner… and whether we decide we like each other or find one another irksome and annoying, we won’t be walking into that celebratory event with an already-formed grudge based on the whole wedding planning, who pays for what scene. DD & FSIL set the venue, figured out the guest list, set the budget, and are paying the bills.
I’m not saying that it has to be that way to preserve the peace… I’m just saying that conflicts & resentments over money can often be very toxic, and I think that parents who are in the position of footing all or part of the bill for wedding events should think long and hard about how their personal feelings can potentially become a burden to the kids.
Of the almost 500 posts in this thread, the vast majority have described mostly comfortable, cordial and sensitive planning with cosideration given to the thoughts and opinions of both families. A few have described scenarios with the potential for drama or discord.