"What I wouldn’t do is say, “Here’s $20,000; go have the kind of wedding that you want and keep the change.” That’s just not the way I spend money. If it is my money, I would want to know that there is value for the money, etc. I’d want to review the vendor contracts, etc. That’s just me.
But then again, I don’t think of a wedding as a gift to the couple; it is more of a family event in my way of thinking."
I am with you.
"The kids will know who has pitched in what. I won’t, and I doubt that the other set of parents will either. We will meet in person for the first time at the rehearsal dinner… "
If feasible, I would have wanted to have met the other set of parents much earlier than before a rehearsal dinner. I recognize that is not always feasible (eg they live overseas) but that would be my preferred route.
i believe in getting value for my hard-earned money. That means that I don’t give someone $X to buy y when I know how to get that same y at $(0.9)X. Or I want to ensure that the y is the highest quality y that can be bought for that money.
Interesting, because I feel the complete opposite. If I am giving the couple $20,000, it is a gift, and they can do whatever they want with it. They can bank it all to save for a house, or spend it all on those bellydancers. It’s a gift, and I’m not going to attach any strings to a gift. I trust DS and FDIL to behave responsibly and understand how money works. And if they’re irresponsible with this gift, that’s their choice, too.
Yeah, I think I have to rest my case on this one and walk away. There isn’t one right or wrong answer. It certainly depends on the FAMILIES - not your family, both. Again, THAT may be an unpopular opinion. But when my son got married last week I truly believe his family doubled - and likewise, ours to a degree. Family may be your favorite group of people or they may not - pre and post married life!
My last word, then trying to zip my mouth. Hopefully when it comes time for a wedding for your bride or groom you will look at the situation at hand - the couple, the resources, the backgrounds, the in law family, etc. - and be willing to bend, be willing to guide if asked, be willing to make it the bride and groom’s “dream come true” - once you see that, maybe…YOUR dream will come true too- a beautiful wedding with a happy, happy couple. 
Yes, VeryHappy, I understand that is many people’s point of view, but I was just trying to point out that I don’t feel that way. I have no intention of giving my daughter and future spouse a $20K gift. I might spend $20K to put on a family wedding, though. It is just a different mindset.
I didn’t give my kids $60k a year for college and say “go where you want and keep the change.” Too big of a sum of money for me not to be involved in decision making. What if they’d wanted to go to someplace which was a poor value for the money compared to other options, and there wasn’t some other compelling reason to go there? It was a gift, but it wasn’t going to be one I had no opinion about.
Likewise, I didn’t give my son $x to go spend on a car. We bought him a car. He accompanied us so he could learn how to negotiate with a dealer, etc but no, I did not hand over a blank check and no, not any old brand of car would have been acceptable for safety/reliability reasons.
We are buying my D a condo. She doesn’t get a blank check either. We get to have input on the neighborhood, features, etc. Our budget is $X. We will get maximum value and a good deal from that $X - she doesn’t get handed $X to go buy whatever. I don’t care how badly she wants to live on the south side of Chicago, she’s not doing it on my dime.
This doesn’t mean despotic - this means making decisions together.
"Hopefully when it comes time for a wedding for your bride or groom you will look at the situation at hand - the couple, the resources, the backgrounds, the in law family, etc. - and be willing to bend, be willing to guide if asked, be willing to make it the bride and groom’s “dream come true” - "
Well, sure. No one here is talking about forcing them to do filet mignon at the Ritz for 200 when the happy couple just wants a luncheon for 20 in a charming bed and breakfast. I’m happy to fund either to the best of my ability, but I would not fund the hypothetical belly dancers, or a casino theme, or a destination wedding that makes it impossible for elderly grandparents to attend.
Should this be an all-in or all-out deal? Because I love the family one d married into but the other not so much. And they probably feel the same way about us. 
The latter family didn’t offer to chip in for wedding expenses. We went the “here’s our contribution” route and left the planning up to the bride and groom. I belatedly (like on the afternoon of the ceremony) realized that the groom’s family may not have wanted to chip in because they disapproved of the fact that the couple wasn’t married in their religion. Of course that’s their perfect right and I’m glad they didn’t make it an outright issue on the big day. But they were chilly with us and I felt a bit awkward with them until they warmed up at the reception.
One situation in which I think it would behoove the B&G to take the lead in planning a wedding is where they come from significantly different cultural backgrounds. Presumably they have at least begun to craft a harmonious compromise between themselves, and could do the same with the wedding, rather than having the bride’s family or the wealthier family steamroll the other.
I think some families can create drama and make demands whether their own money is involved or not. Hopefully, they are the rare ones.
@Pizzagirl re Post #486: I agree that one shouldn’t “gift” the $60,000 of college tuition without having some input (although I do think the final decision of where to go [assuming all the choices are reasonable options] should be the kid’s). But, at that point the kid is 18 years old. In my son’s case, he’s 31 now and has lived on his own since age 21. IMO, what he does with our gift is entirely up to him.
This is a fascinating discussion to me.
Growing up, the custom in my family and their social circle was a church wedding, and country club or backyard reception. My parents were in a position to give their daughters whatever sort of wedding they wanted, within reason, and were happy to do so.
One of my sisters, at the urging of her fiance, went to my parents and asked what the wedding budget was, because she and fiance thought they could ask guests to bring a brown bag lunch to the church to keep costs down and pocket the money intended for the wedding reception. I am not sure my mother ever recovered from that suggestion. Sister was told she could not ask her guests to bring their own refreshments, she could have whatever kind of wedding she wanted (obviously within certain parameters; I’m guessing belly dancers were also off the table) but there was no kind of “budget” and she was definitely not getting cash for having a less expensive event.
Sister ended up having the most expensive wedding of any of us: most guests, 10 bridesmaids, fanciest venue and food. My parents didn’t think it was completely tasteful but they didn’t complain. (well I heard quite a bit about it from my mother, because she couldn’t understand how she had raised such a child 
)
Those of you who advocate for the lump sum gift and kids plan the wedding, would you have just rolled your eyes, zipped your lip, and gone with the brown bag lunch idea? And given her a check?
adding: Last year sister and husband (still married) gave a lovely and tasteful wedding for their daughter and pretty much furnished the couple’s new house. But they gave no check. Sister told her daughter to send her the information on exactly what furniture she wanted and Sis bought it herself for daughter.
Probably not brown bag but a very simple reception I’d agree to.
I had 19 guests and a very simple reception. That was no problem and no debate.
Since I wouldn’t have any showers, after it was all over my mother did make sure I had everything she thought necessary to set up housekeeping, but no cash.
Our contribution is for whatever kind of wedding our kids want, and I’m a big believer in zipping my lip, but asking guests to bring their own lunches - no. That seems … unreasonable, and I’ve been blessed with reasonable kids. They all want/wanted a nice wedding to celebrate with family and friends, and we were all on the same page or close enough.
I think the literal brown bag idea is totally tacky. You don’t invite people to an event and expect them to bring their own food! But I don’t see anything wrong with offering a budget and, if the couple decides to go small, giving them the difference in cash.
“But when my son got married last week I truly believe his family doubled - and likewise, ours to a degree.”
I don’t think that way, partly because it was never modeled to me. Thinking about my parents versus H’s … They are friendly and cordial to the other set for the most part, but they aren’t friends per se, they are 10 years apart in age and my parents are “young” 70 yo’s and my ILs are “old” 80 yo’s and they simply don’t have occasion to interact beyond warm greetings at things like graduations. That’s how my parents related to their parents too, how our siblings relate to their spouses’ parents, etc. I think what you describe is a very extroverted come-one-come-all which is great, but it’s not our style.
At the time I thought the brown bag idea was unquestionably tacky but I’ve had years to consider it.
A young couple with no money decide to get married, and want to include friends and family, so they decide to have a potluck reception. I don’t think that is tacky. I think it is lovely. Then I find out the young couple’s families gave them X amount of money, which could be used for a wedding or down payment on a house or to pay off their student loans, and they asked me to bring a dish of food. Does it then become tacky or just savvy saving? I have no idea what the answer is here. Probably there is no answer with which all will agree.
“But I don’t see anything wrong with offering a budget and, if the couple decides to go small, giving them the difference in cash.”
Certainly nothing wrong with that, to each her own, and never say never but I don’t have a specific budget in mind in the first place. If they want 20 people for lunch, great. If they want 200 people at the Ritz, I’ll see how much that costs and whether it’s feasible in my budget. If it wasn’t, I would think it stupid for a young married couple to try to self fund the “remainder” of the 200 people at the Ritz, so I doubt I’d just hand over a sum so they can make a foolish decision. Unless my kid marries Warren Buffett’s kid or some such.