What should the groom's family pay?

Parent Cafe
81

I think the bride’s family can be very understanding of a different financial situation even if they are wealthy or have a million relatives they want to include in the wedding and rehearsal dinner. A friend married a professional football player, but he was from a small town several states away and I don’t think his family had a lot of money. The cost of the rehearsal dinner alone could have put them in a severe financial hole. The bride’s mother just suggested that they have the dinner as a bbq in the bride’s parents’ backyard, and so instead of having to feed 20 professional football players and a lot of other guests in a restaurant, they had hot dogs by the pool and everyone had a wonderful time. Bride still had the big wedding, big dress, big day, but the groom’s family didn’t feel like the poor relatives. I think the groom could have paid (although this was many years ago and I don’t think he made all that much money even as a pro) but in the ‘tradition’, the groom’s family thought they should pay.

I really think both sides of the wedding should cover their guests. My family is tiny, and if we can scare up 10 relatives for a wedding we’re doing pretty good. If either of my kids marries someone who wants to invite 150 cousins and ‘plus ones’ then they are going to have to pay for it.

82

When the time comes we will offer up a sum we are comfortable with. Enough of our daughter’s friends have already planned weddings that it has given the three of us plenty of opportunity to discuss expectations. DD has always indicated when she marries she envisions small and intimate, but if her tastes change and she and her future husband end up wanting a large hotel or country club style of wedding they will need other sources of funding beyond what we will give them. We covered undergrad and medical school - and as we get near retirement the doors to the Bank of Mom and Dad are starting to close. D is very appreciative to have come out of graduate school with no debt - she gets it.

When it comes to the responsibilities of the groom’s family I think that it is no longer clearly defined. The old rules are just that…old rules. The challenge is having everyone walking away feeling good about the event. My MIL is still annoyed (almost 40 years later!) that I wanted a small wedding and she could not invite anyone she wanted. We gave her a limit. She chose to invite none of her friends and didn’t even buy a new dress. At the time she was truly angry. She raised a terrific son. I will give her that.

83

This reminds me of a thread from a few years back. If DS#2 and gf get engaged, she has grad school loans. He has no loans/debt( and is still in school). This was not an issue for DS#1. Don’t know how much loan debt she has.

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jym626, I remember that thread. At the time my daughter was dating someone who would be coming out of school with big ticket debt and it spawned a conversation. If memory serves, there were one or two parental posts along the liines of taking on someone else’s large academic debt being a deal breaker in their minds. A great many young adults are coming outcoming out of school with debt. I would certainly encourage my kid to talk about money issues before marrying but the rest of it is her business.

85

A long time ago, back in my parents’ younger days, the rules were clear. The bride’s parents were the hosts of the wedding. They got complete control of the guest list, because it was their party. Courteous hosts would ask the groom’s family whom they wanted to include, but ultimately, it was the bride’s parents’ budget that determined just about everything, from the decor, to the venue and the menu. The good thing about this particular etiquette is that you didn’t have to have a blowout reception. It was an honor to be invited to the wedding, so if all you got was cake and punch and a bag of Jordan almonds as a favor, this was totally acceptable. You weren’t viewed as cheap at all.

In that same era, the groom’s family paid for the rehearsal dinner. They had a little less control over this than the bride’s family did over the reception, because the rules of society dictated that any out-of-town guest, particularly close family, be invited to the rehearsal dinner. And it pretty much had to be a dinner, so this could get pricey, but again, it didn’t have to be in a restaurant. It could be in a home, with hired caterers, if that’s what the budget allowed.

And the groom chose the honeymoon spot and paid for it out of pocket. The bride didn’t get to do anything but choose her dress and her bridesmaids. Out of courtesy, she might ask the groom’s sister to be one of her maids, but this wasn’t required, merely polite.

NONE of these rules really apply today. On the one hand, it’s a challenge, because it’s like playing a game in which everyone understands the rules differently, and you risk giving offense even with the best of intentions and the deepest wallet. But on the other, you have complete freedom to negotiate every little detail. Destination wedding? Go for it! Cash bar? Sure, in some circles. (Please don’t invite me to one of these.) Bride and groom pay for everything? Great idea! Both families split the cost down the line for everything? Very fair! City hall wedding with a backyard BBQ three months later? Lots of fun and low key!

If there’s any rule that I think everyone should still follow is to remember that the ceremony is about the bride and groom, but the reception is about making sure the guests have a good time. They are honoring the couple with THEIR presence, not the other way around. Be gracious, whether you’re serving wings and beer or a fancy sit down meal.

86

The student debt is just one reason why (in many cases) parents paying for the wedding makes little sense. I think my daughter’s grad school debt is in the range of ~$50K.

Her wedding is probably going to cost in the range of ~$20K, all told … again, though, the bride & groom are mostly paying their own way there. I’m comfortable with giving them a cash gift and also picking up selected expenses - I noted above that I offered to pay for the day-of coordinator.

But if I had the kind of money that would cover the cost of the whole wedding — let’s say $15-$25K… it just wouldn’t make sense to me to put that into the wedding when it could be used to pay down that debt. My DD & FSIL can make whatever decisions they want as to how to spend her own money… but as a parent I wouldn’t be comfortable in gifting 5 figures for a one-day affair in the face of all that debt.

87

Just to keep things in perspective: until after WWII, weddings were held in the bride’s parents’ home and a reception, if any, was light snacks and drinks after the very simple ceremony.

So this idea of “traditional” weddings where the bride’s family does X and the groom’s family does Y has really been confined to just about two generations (or less) unless one comes from a well-off family.

Carry on.

88

@calmom, interesting point about helping a child pay for a wedding – or help pay the child’s grad school loan.

89

Obviously you don’t read a lot of 19th and early 20th century literature! Plenty of stories of folks trying to keep up with the Joneses by throwing elaborate weddings they couldn’t afford. See, e.g., Edith Wharton novels. Or Emile Zola.

Plus, the world’s a big place. Other places in the world have traditionally placed an even bigger emphasis on elaborate wedding feasts than we do in present day America.

90

I just watched “The Catered Affair” 1956. It still resonates today. Social pressure, not enough money, ever expanding budgets and nothing but resentment and sore feelings Just multiply the budgets X 10.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zVucRFS8Zqs

91

My son’s in-laws threw a big wedding with 250 guests. They held it in a place where they lived for 3 generations and nobody lived further than 50 miles. They really didn’t need to do that…considering their D had over $100K in med school loans and she is paying it off by herself. She is in primary care so she won’t be making nearly as much as other doctors.
The in-laws are nice people and we share similar values…except for the wedding expenses. They could have retired almost half of their D’s loans. We asked through our son if we could help with expenses, but they said no.

Neither one of my children had school debts and we were full pay.

92

I have lived in many states across the US and have family in many others…this is the first I have ever heard of anyone other than the couple paying for the honeymoon. Typically, it is the rehearsal dinner and sometimes bar costs.

We paid for our own wedding years ago. DW family is considerably smaller than mine. We had too little money to invite everyone, so we had ‘our’ friends on her side and my family on my side. We limited those invited on my side to my favorite relatives and balanced out our small guest list.

I have two sons and two daughters. I am sure the circumstances on all of them will be different. Any thing we pay will be limited to what we feel we can afford. Given modern times, it makes more sense for the couple to plan a modest wedding they can afford and get gift money to defray those costs. (I happily steal this idea from posters early in this thread).

The size and expense of the wedding does not have a lot to do with the future success. In my small anecdotal world, the expense appears to be inversely proportional to the success of the marriage.

93

I’m with you Calmom. And there’s no way H or I would put $10-15,000 into a one day wedding event and not because we can’t afford it, simply because it is outside our belief structure of what we would do with money. I would not have a problem telling the bride’s family that. I can’t imagine in a million years that the boys would even think we would spend that much money on any aspect of a wedding. We’ve always been an incredibly frugal family - probably because h and I are both children of parents who were born in the great depression. I totally think you can put together a lovely event with close family and close friends for a reasonable amount of money that I would happily contribute to and call it a great day. We’re been to blow-out weddings of our friends’ kids and we’ve been to some lovely small events.

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My parents were also depression era people. I am very frugal about most things, we still live in the house we bought when we got married for $60,000 (although with a family room addition and recently remodeled kitchen!) None of my kids has any college debt, and we did not pay anything toward their college except enough to get the tax credit. My D got some of my frugality, she bought her dress on ebay for $200. I bought my MOB dress on Target online for less than $60, and I really like it. However, we have the means to plunk down a significant amount for her reception (probably about $20,000, the rest of the wedding is up to them) and I do not feel at all bad doing it.

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@Elleneast-
I was unclear in my post above-- apologies. DS is not still in school. He is working and has no debt. His girlfriend has one year of grad school/internship left but she has grad school debt/loans. I don’t know how much debt she has.

96

In general I would think that fiscally conservative families raise fiscally conservative kids so it really comes down to the bride and groom being able to work through to a solution that suits them both. Parents don’t really ‘give away’ their kids anymore, by the time they are getting married they are independent and long past that childhood. The real sticking point it would seem are if you are blending very different religious or entrenched cultural situations. That would require some exploration on my part regarding family expectations I presume. The news the other night said young people are taking a pass on diamond engagement rings and that coupled with college debt perhaps spells the end of the the super-sized, overblown, spend-o weddings. H and I don’t wear wedding rings and never have, we just left out the obey and the ring thing out of our private ceremony, so that, too, would be something different for the boys (if they married someone who expected rings).

97

Parents who are paying for a wedding are not “giving away” their kids. They are throwing a reception to celebrate a very important milestone in their kids’ lives. No different than when we threw a 70th birthday party for my parents at a banquet hall, or a sweet 16, graduation parties for our kids.

I think it is great to be frugal, but there is something to be said to just celebrate life. Of course, no one is advocating in spending money you don’t have.

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" it is outside our belief structure of what we would do with money" @momofthreeboys – well put. And the only way it would be within my belief structure is if I won a million dollar+ lottery. Then, I’d tell my kids, the sky’s the limit as long as I can still quit my job right now.

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Anyone remember the threads where some posters said they wouldn’t spend past $XXX for college because they were saving $XXX to pay for n eventual future wedding.

100

I have a cousin whose son had two weddings, possibly the same day or maybe just the same weekend. One was “regular”, the other was Indian style since the bride’s family was Indian American. I can’t even imagine the cost and the sorting out of who pays for what. I’m not sure if they qualify as lavish, but the clothes were beautiful, as only elaborate saris can be. I think the groom’s mother even wore one to the Indian style wedding. At least they were in the same city and didn’t have to travel!