We gave an additional cash gift on top of the wedding items we paid for, and yes, we did adjust the amount when we got a feel for what the bride’s family seemed to be giving as a gift. But for us that was ok. We didn’t know what was the amount to give (there is no “right” amount, but we just didnt know, and decided to readjust when we got a sense of what it sounded like the brides family was giving). But again, its very individual- what the family can afford and is comfortable gifting.
We have a wedding coming up next year for our youngest d. We plan to pay for everything. We never have parties and dh wants to have one. I am not planning on the groom’s parents for anything but would certainly welcome any help. That way, I will be happy and not disappointed. I will be helping with the planning as the bride and groom to be live many states away but want the wedding in the home state. The only string attached, by the way, is that the food is going to be catered. The groom wanted to do potluck, which would be fine but not for 120 people.
We have had two weddings in the past few years. Our Ds were both offered a set amount of money by us to plan their wedding. They could use all of it or save some of it. In the first wedding D1’s future in laws didn’t put any money towards the wedding. We really felt taken advantage of due to several shenanigans on their part. D2’s was an entirely different situation. Her H’s family generously offered to pay for all of their guests. It was much appreciated and D2 and her H were able to save some of the wedding money for a down payment on a house.
Some of our friends have had weddings where the bride’s family pays 1/3, groom’s side 1/3 and the couple 1/3. Another friend has 2 daughters and a son. She contributed the same amount for her son’s wedding as her daughters’. She couldn’t imagine any parent not contributing equally between children based on gender.
How unfair! When it comes time that your parents need help as they age, I’d consider that your sister owes it to them much more than you do!
My inlaws paid for our honeymoon, but they came with us! [url=<a href=“freesmileys.org”>freesmileys.org]
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We spend money on what we think is important.
That must have been awful!!! How did it happen? I can’t imagine anything worse than having one’s parents (or in-laws) on the honeymoon! How could any parent or in-law even think it was appropriate?
I think that from everyone’s stories over the years the most important thing is that no one feel imposed upon. I’ve read about situations where the bride and family plan a big blowout, and then basically present the groom’s family with a bill. A bill that they didn’t agree to and simply cannot afford. I’ve also read about grooms families who insist upon adding large numbers of extra guests that double the size of the wedding, and have no intention of chipping in. Some people expect a rehearsal dinner to include 100+ people. Others expect it to be just the parents and bridal party, maybe with SOs. Some people can’t imagine not having a brunch the next day. Others have never heard of this.
No one should be pressured to pay for things that they don’t want and can’t afford.
The one thing I would say in regard to the groom’s family waiting to be asked for financial assistance, as mentioned above, is that it strikes me as not helpful in planning an actually affordable event. I think deciding on a figure and simply offering it is more straightforward and more generous.
I have to say that when people talk about offering a lump sum, I’m often wondering whether that was $2,000 or $20,000! 
(Or more…)
Lump sum amounts vary by family. It’s a decision each family needs to make withput any regard to what anyone else does or thinks.
Like I said up stream…it’s not a one size fits all.
^^I agree, thumper1.
Weddings are such a hot button topic, aren’t they?
I think I’m becoming a curmudgeonly in my old age 
but a couple of events that have happened lately in my life have had me thinking.
It seems that I see so much is that people do things that they can’t really afford. Or things that they do without thinking of the long term implications. They spend large sums of money that will impact their future because they want to or feel that it’s the right thing to do.
I just see so many people IRL who spend emotionally instead of prudently.
@CTTC wrote
They said “would you like to go to St. Maarten?” We of course said “yes!” and they said “great, we booked a house on the beach for all four of us.” DH and I were sort of like, well, this is better than nothing :). They are loaded, but the way rich people stay rich is not to spend their money, and they are very frugal.
Other than the rehearsal dinner at a plastic cup mexican restaurant, they did not contribute to the wedding. (which was very small, lovely and used every trick I knew creatively to be fun for both us and our guests because my parents were poor.)
The honeymoon wasn’t very romantic, though, but beggars can’t be choosers.
It’s ok, I still love St. Maarten and we hope to get back there someday on our own dime. Sans inlaws :D.
Oh, @MotherOfDragons, they could have given you and your dh some $ to do your own thing! I hope you do go to St. Maarten someday again, this time by yourselves.
(A psychologist could have plenty to say about in-laws who want to go on their children’s honeymoons, eh?)
^^Oh yeah, it’s been an entertaining 23 years and counting. 
Luckily I did not marry a mama’s boy, or it would have been intolerable.
I always say to the girls “pick your spouse carefully, because you’ll be marrying their family, too.” In my case DH is worth all the crazy baggage :D.
@Consolation wrote
Part of that stems from the two sides of the family not having good communications, for whatever reason, or have expectations that they just assume the other side understands without saying anything (which often leads to disaster).
We’ve already seen some interesting stuff from the girls’ boyfriends’ families wrt this-one kid is dating a boy whose family is very open and communicative and we already text back and forth to make sure the couple isn’t ever “out of pocket” ;). She adores his family, and he doesn’t seem to mind us too much.
The other one, sheesh I’m glad they broke up because we never heard a peep from the parents and she was never invited over to his house. Ugh. It was actually a factor in their breakup.
Wedding costs have a way of creeping up on you. “oh, we want to keep things simple!” - and then all the little details become apparent that you want to include. From the big things like honeymoon, food and flowers to the little things like favors, $ for the priest/organist, etc., - even postage!
Knowing your cash flow ahead of time - all the $$ from where ever that will be in the pot - helps keep the budget in check. Unless one party has an unlimited budget of course!
A lot of people have no idea how much a wedding CAN cost. That is why Deb922 is spot on - everyone needs to learn to speak up - from the get go - NO ONE should feel obligated or be forced to over reach what their checkbook is capable of handling. That’s an easy way to turn a happy event into a downer.
The whole “bride’s side”/“grooms side” should be a non-issue. The couple getting married should be open and honest with each other on what they might expect from their family from the moment “wedding talk” arrives. And then plan accordingly - with or without support from either side.
@NEPatsGirl your situation is prime for the “lump sum” approach. No need to wait to hear what’s “expected of you.” Figure out how much you can afford. Offer to give it to the couple to do with it as they wish. Your son has been self supporting since he was 17, knows your situation and the fact that you’re paying for his sister’s college. There’s a good chance this sensible young man doesn’t expect you to contribute much. Your gift may come as a lovely surprise.
@katiamom, he’ll be understanding for sure (and probably surprised as well) but I want to do my share for the rehearsal dinner. I’m afraid her family will be expecting something more lavish than my wallet can provide. I’d like to keep that and his cash gift separate I think but we’ll see when the time comes if they would be happy with something small and informal. I’m quite sure her family would just as soon pick up the tab for everything and have it their way but that will make me feel like a squatter LOL
I’ve always felt it was my responsibility to,pay for my children’s undergrad education. They were told they could attend any school they got into, did not have to choose the cheapest option, but that they weren’t entitled to a car (never bought a car for either kid and they’re both out of the house now) or a wedding from us. Our own wedding was very small, nexoensive and honeymoon was a camping trip. When S got married, we were still paying tuition for #2. We were never asked to contribute but assumed we would do rehearsal dinner. DIL planned the wedding and it was a traditional ceremony and hotel reception with open bar. I was very aware of numbers and kept our list of invitees to a minimum. A few months before wedding we gave them a check and said they could spend it towards the wedding, honeymoon or savings. They were very appreciative. Her parents paid for the wedding they could afford and it was lovely (S and D had also saved some for wedding).
To NEPats: I understand, I think, your feeling but I would hope that the in laws would be sensitive and allow you to make the contribute that you can afford, and not step on your toes. I do have a friend who I think did that - the brides family is wealthy and offered to pay for all - and I don’t think they allowed the grooms family to do as much as they would have liked. As a result, the grooms family held a massive reception in their home state after the honeymoon. That was an odd thing, seemed to turn it into an endless wedding season and they invited just their family and her immediate and the wedding party. Had they thrown it in their backyard it would have just seemed like a family party, but they did it at a catering place. And, besides raising a wonderful, independent son who is worthy of their daughter, he comes without massive student loans. I like the suggestion that you figure an amount you can afford and give them a check. I think to have everyone involved in a rehearsal dinner steals the thunder from the main event - the wedding. The rehearsal dinner should be more relaxed and intimate so if there’s escalation on that point, I’d argue for limiting it to wedding party and SO. It just happens to be more affordable.
I meant NEPats raised a son without loan debt.
DD’s fiance’s parents own a wedding venue, so they are contributing use of that site for both the rehearsal dinner and for the reception. It includes accommodations for parents, siblings and grandparents. They gave the couple money towards the rehearsal dinner. We got a deal on the photographer and DJ because of the venue owners connection. We are paying for most of it, but my daughter is a bargain hunter and not picky about details.