For both of our married sons, the parents of the bride gave them a set amount of money which was up to the couple to budget. We contributed enough money to cover the alcohol at the reception and the flowers. We also paid for the rehearsal dinner. Honeymoon was up to the couple.
My 21 yr. old son is getting married in August, after a 5 month engagement. He and the bride have no money. I feel it is only fair to contribute more than usual. We decided on a set amount and from what I understand, it will be used for the rehearsal dinner, the DJ, the photographer, and the honeymoon. No alcohol will be served, which saves a lot of $$. My son had a pre-planned trip trip to Mexico that they are turning into a personal business/honeymoon.
According to the Knot article listed in post #19, the groom’s family is responsible for the honeymoon. It was a surprise to me.
“What does it mean for the groom to pay for the honeymoon? I don’t understand this at all. By definition, wouldn’t the “groom” paying for the honeymoon mean that the “couple” is paying for the honeymoon?”
Exactly. I have never heard of the groom’s parents being responsible for the honeymoon, however it seems that most people pay for their own honeymoon (sometimes with one of those honeymoon funds). Actually, the thought of anybody blowing a bunch of money on an expensive wedding seems really silly to me. It’s one thing if the family has plenty of money to spare, and it’s not going to be difficult, but otherwise, paying all that money seems like such a waste to me, particularly if it’s a young couple just starting out with little money of their own. You can have a lovely wedding without blowing a ton of money. I suspect that when our kids get married (praying for that), we’ll pay for the rehearsal dinner, give them a bunch of airmiles for their honeymoon tickets, and give them a big check to use in whatever way they want. I can definitely see volunteering to pay for alcohol, or anything that the other side asks for, including half of the wedding or even the entire wedding (if it’s reasonable).
We paid for our own wedding, reception and honeymoon entirely. We never would have asked for a cent, however, my parents did give us a $1K check, and my in-laws paid for the rehearsal dinner.
Okay, but can someone find me some smart, funny, loving brides? I only need two. 
Hah, the honeymoon? Not on our dime. The kids can fund their own honeymoon 
chances are these days they have taken a few vacations together long before the wedding. I’m still wondering what the heck a pre-reception is…don’t you get married then go to the reception anymore either nearby or at the same place?
Years ago when my mother got married, the bride’s parents paid for the reception BUT alcohol was not “part of the package.” This was picked up by the groom’s family, as well as the rehearsal dinner. Back then, and even in my day, couples got married in the early 20’s so parents did pick up the tab. Nowadays most of my nieces/nephews lived together for a couple of years, and then got married in their late twenties/early thirties. Most of them were professionals and together they made a good annual salary. In this day and age, I really believe that these mature adults should pay for their own wedding. As a mother of sons, I have no problem hosting the reception dinner, and I have no problem with the bride’s parents picking up some of the wedding costs BUT, truly, the couple should be paying for most of it.
Pre-reception: Guests arrive at reception before bride and groom. Hors d’oeuvres along with something to drink (not necessarily alcoholic) can be served while the guests mingle and wait for the bride and groom. Technically, it is part of the reception but you’ll find it called the pre-reception since the wedding party hasn’t come yet.
Did you marry 20, 30 or 40 years ago? Would you expect or want your children now to do things “just like” you did back then? There are no rules except the rules we place on ourselves. Each and every family, engaged couple should do what is affordable, liked and the recipe for a successful occasion for them. That’s my opinion!
My S is getting married next month. Weddings can be done for a few hundred dollars or thousands - or tens of thousands. We don’t have tens of thousands to provide them nor does her mom. We are all doing what we can and what feels right to us. It’s a WEDDING - basically a big party! Important, but the $$ spent don’t have any play in the success of the marriage!
That said, once they got engaged we gave them a lump sum we could afford - theirs to use for whatever they needed it to go towards. We are hosting a “wedding eve” casual dinner. I have offered a brunch Sunday morning after the wedding at our house. We have offered to pay for this and that - postage for the invite stamps we picked up, some decor I found on sale - random stuff. I think they appreciated knowing off the bat what they had to work with in terms of $$$ for their planning. The “lump sum” method was also important - in my opinion - to them doing the planning in their own taste, choices, etc. - NOT ours because “we’re paying for it”.
@conmama - I think communication and clarity are the most important thing. Your friend’s daughter and her fiancee need to speak clearly to his parents that the numbers may be getting out of control. Even if his parents are willing to pay for the extra people, the couple may just not want such a huge event.
I think it’s hard for young people to be assertive with their parents in this situation especially if they are relying on financial help. The wedding should be balanced between the couples and both of their families without any ill feelings or dominance. Haha, I know. Still, communication is key! There may be so many expectations people have and the other people are clueless about them and everyone is being too rigid. That should be at the beginning and then things should get better, not worse. Have some wine and talk it all out.
I have a young friend who is getting married in a week or so. She flew back home to Australia for the ceremony. Her parting words were - “I may kill my future MIL. My advice to you all is to ELOPE!”
@dstark - you were fine to ask about them paying for alcohol. I would love to pay for something so easy and lovely. Go taste some champagne, pick your favorites, and order 100’s of bottles. When else do you get to do that?
Back in our day my parents paid for wedding (and alcohol), DH’s family paid for rehearsal dinner. The whole wedding party (about 100, mostly our friends with small contingents from family on both sides) walked across campus to the reception together. We paid for our own honeymoon. My parents had more money than DH’s so I don’t think it was a problem they paid more.
I’ve got boys. If younger one marries current girlfriend it could be interesting. Her family is from Hong Kong, her sister lives in Britain, she has cousins in this country. I have no idea what their expectations might be. I haven’t met any of her family. But I think we could probably contribute more than a rehearsal dinner.
Never heard that the groom’s family paid for the honeymoon. My D and son-in-law paid for it themselves. H and I paid for wedding reception and all it entailed. Groom’s mother planned the rehearsal dinner and told groom’s father (they are divorced) what his share was. He was fine with not being involved in the planning. D and son-in-law also paid for a brunch the morning after the wedding.
Our D and fiance are getting married summer of 2017 at their alma mater…destination wedding for us.
D told me there was nothing she could do about it, she knew going in that it was going to be a big wedding, due to fiance’s very big and very close family, most who live very close to wedding location, unlike our small and scattered family. D said very tactfully, that they were fully prepared to pay for their own wedding and did not expect contributions from either family. However, if we were planning on contributing, could we please let her know so she could budget accordingly … 
Since guest list will be 60% fiance’s family 10% ours, and to keep my D & my H from butting heads over costs, I convinced H that it would be in everyone’s best interest to just gift them a lump sum. They can blow it all on one day…or save some if they wish. And we don’t have to be involved in every one of those decisions–bonus!
Fiance’s family will be hosting the rehearsal dinner…and I believe it will be wedding party & their spouse/SO, parents and grandparents, approximately 50 in all. Aunts and uncles number 21 alone (so 48 with SO’s), so they did not make the cut–
Since she anticipated little or nothing, I think D was thrilled with our gift. And they both are frugal & practical (accountants!), so guessing they are going to spend wisely. And they are both paying for their honeymoon…
But Daddy will be buying her wedding outfit…
I hope to be able to pay (at least) a portion of the wedding costs if both of my kids get married at some point. To me, this is a special gift to them.
I’m not sure there are any hard and fast rules about who pays for what. This is something that needs to be decided by each family. It’s not a one size fits all answer.
And for the record, we paid for our own wedding too…but that doesn’t mean I expect my kids to do so.
This is a personal decision, as what kind of celebration (size, cost, etc) is a personal/family choice. So what was right for us may not be right for someone else. We hosted a large engagement party (the celebration on our coast and mostly for our friends and immediate family as well as the many friends the bride and groom had in the area), and then for the wedding, paid for the Friday night dinner (all wedding guests were invited to this), the alcohol that night, transportation, etc for that night. We also paid for the flowers, part of the invitations (as we did not need to send out separate invitations for the Friday night dinner) and the first few days of their honeymoon (our treat). Again, this was our joy to do this for our s and his new wife. We did not have many guests at the wedding- most were their friends and her parents friends and family. But it was lovely and her family was lovely and it was a memorable event. We have no regrets. Our privilege and our pleasure to help celebrate the new couple…
I actually don’t understand the big emphasis nowadays on a fancy wedding. As the bride, all I really wanted to do was to get out of there and start the honeymoon. The planning, the details, yuk, yuk, who cares! Get married, have a party that people enjoy, and escape!
My s’s wedding wasn’t “fancy”. It was outdoors under the trees. It was a very outdoorsy weekend, and was very much “them”. Many of their friends came and they all spent the weekend together. They loved it. It was about enjoying and celebrating with their friends. For the weekend. No way the memories from that weekend will ever be forgotten.
The “rules” seem to be all over the place lately and basically I think it is a “free for all.” There are no “rules” anymore and I suppose one just negotiates the process the best that you can and hope no one ends up being insulted. Having said that when the time comes I will revert to what I have always understood to be generally customary.
We will host my D’s engagement party and her wedding. I would expect the groom or the couple to fund their honeymoon. For my S we would be happy to co-host an engagement party or host it independently if the bride’s family could or would not do so. If asked by the bride’s family we would contribute to the cost of my S’s wedding. I think this sort of arrangement can work whether the couple has decided on a backyard BBQ or a more formal event.
I am all for smaller affairs which makes everything easier on everyone. I don’t think there was ever a wedding in my family where there were more than 140 guests. My own wedding ended up being about 115 with family and very close friends in attendance. I have attended weddings with 250+ guests and I find them overwhelming.
I would not assume we are all talking of “fancy” weddings. Neither of my kids’ weddings are what I would consider fancy. But they still cost money. Not over the top money. As far as planning, in my two daughters’ cases, they are doing ALL of it themselves with their partners. They seem to enjoy doing it! My kids are really looking forward to their special wedding days, in addition to their honeymoons.
About 27 years ago, DW and I paid for our own wedding. That was important to us. We were adults, had been living on our own for some years, and we wanted to celebrate our marriage with our close friends, family, co-workers, etc. It was our party, top to bottom. Frankly, having either set of parents pay (and expect to control guest lists and details as part of paying) would have felt infantilizing. It was our show, and we wouldn’t have it any other way. DW’s parents wanted to contribute something substantial, so we agreed they could pay for the rehearsal dinner, bucking convention at the time, but they were better able to afford it than my parents, so it seemed sensible.
Fast forward 27 years. D1 is planning her wedding. She and her intended are insisting they want to pay for it and control all the details. We’re hardly in a position to insist otherwise. They’ve agreed to let us pay for beverages at the reception, and the groom’s parents will pay for the rehearsal dinner, but otherwise they’re on their own. Unless they find they need some additional financial help, which we’re prepared to deliver, but we’ll wait for them to ask.
There are no rules. Weddings are very personal, especially to the bride and groom. They should decide what kind of event they want, and how to pay for it. If that requires parental assistance, they should ask for it and be prepared to negotiate, understanding they’re not entitled to anything as of right. If the parents of either party insist on contributing, that, too, should be negotiated, but IMO not at the price of giving up control of the event itself.
From what I have heard from both DS’s comments about weddings they have attended over the past few years, most do not seem to be “fancy” but more are casual, hosted at outdoor venues (farms, barns, parks, etc), though that may be a function of the interests of their friends. Only one was a big blowout event, and that sounded more because the parents were prominent in their community and wanted this kind of event for their kids and their friends (don’t know if that is what the kids wanted, but that is another story).
If/when younger s gets engaged, I anticipate their choice will be very different from DS#1. Different choices, different family circumstances. Likely we and DS will pay for the event, but do not know what that will entail.
Regardless of the types of event, there are costs and need for planning associated with these events. Like college, one must determine their budget and what “fits” the couple.
Much like the college search process, I think it’s important for your child to know upfront (and nearly immediately after plans begin) what amount you can afford or are willing to spend on their big day.
I’m pretty sure my S will be getting engaged very soon to a girl from an extremely wealthy family. Both GF and her family live about 9 hours away, not too far from S. GF will absolutely have to have the whole shebang, there’s no chance of elopement or destination wedding, or anything of that sort. I envision a very large, traditional church wedding and over-the-top reception. Of course, my family will have to travel to them, which will be a costly expense in itself.
I’m a bit nervous about what will be “expected” of me. S knows we don’t have a money tree in the backyard lol but I still want to do my part by hosting the rehearsal dinner and gifting them some cash as a wedding gift. My concern is that the bride and her family will want something far more than what I could afford.
S never went to college and has been self-sufficient since 17 years old. Other than buying his tickets to come home every so often I’ve done little financially to help him out (he has not needed my help). D, on the other hand, is going to college and I’m paying as much as I can to help and there is nothing left to save while she is in school for the next three years. Should this make any difference in the cash gift?