<p>Or maybe the question should be…
WHAT RULES HAVE WORKED FOR YOU?
I feel I have earned a degree in empty nest 101~ I still have to admit that I have fuzzy little baby feathers stuck to the bottom of my nest… Okay metaphorically speaking, I am still finding bobby pins everytime my daughter comes home for a visit. AND… what once was an annoyance is now bittersweet!
The one big thing that I learned is… how many parents I know who are in agony because they have not heard from their kids for what they consider too long. Oookaaay, now I know people are going to think that I am crazy but when you let your little country girl go to the big city to go to school… you scramble like crazy to make some pretty crazy rules!! My biggy is every night… yes every night… my daughter texts me… I’m Home… I only require two words… they can be forwarded, they can be at 4AM but they have to happen and she has to be safe inside her door before she pushes SEND! And guess what? She bought it!! LOL… I am one of the blessed ones! She actually adds I love you and I am safe and Home Mama! The second year… she tried to tell me… “come on mom… you can’t expect me to keep this up.” And the other day… (year 3 now) she texted me… “I am home mama and thank you for caring enough to make me text you” Ahhhhh!
When people tell me how crazy I am for being such a stickler I don’t care. When I hear the others crying about worrying about their kidlets I feel blessed that I stuck to my guns and now it is like part of our lives… just like when they were babies… they were expected to brush their teeth…every night… this is just part of our routine. Part of the deal is… I pay for her phone and she gets a new one every few years. But a small price to pay for peace of mind… so take heed you brand new empty nesters of your own… as your own kids get ready to take flight… take my advice!</p>
<p>We don’t have the contact-every-day rule. In fact, I’ll be happy when she STOPS texting every day; it will mean she’s really feeling like college is “home” and has better things to do than check in with Mom.</p>
<p>One rule I have put into effect is: Pay attention to the checking account! Numerous NSF fees during first semester prompted a crash course over Christmas break on the importance of recording transactions on a timely basis, and balancing the account when the statement is received. So far, so good – the only money-related call I’ve gotten this month was a proud, “Mom guess what! I just balanced my checkbook!”</p>
<p>How broad is your definition of “home”? (I understand the text message system – its something I insisted on when my d. was traveling alone through Europe, staying in hostels – in that case, I wanted the words “I’m alive”. But my d. doesn’t always go “home” to sleep)</p>
<p>I think its lovely that your d. feels positively about that text mail, by the way.</p>
<p>I am planning something similar. Text me (preferred) or just post something in Facebook so I know she is ok. The text message can say ‘busy’ if that’s the case.
She is used to texting me letting me know when she gets to school and back home and I am hoping she will do the daily text</p>
<p>Agree that the definition of “home” is flexible. My daughter also knows that we just need to know she is safe.</p>
<p>However, I can’t imagine needing nightly confirmation of that fact. What if she is out until 5 a.m.? Or, gasp, spending the night with her boyfriend? If I could not get a decent night of sleep without my daughter checking in I would be seriously sleep deprived.</p>
<p>My own mother was one of those parents who could not sleep until I was at home. When I went to college (30 years ago) she finally could relax because she did not know what I was doing or where I was. If texting/cell phones had existed it would just have prolonged her misery.</p>
<p>As far as a checking account is concerned, make sure that they do NOT have overdraft protection. It is much better to not be able to buy something than to pay the overdraft fees that can add up.</p>
<p>My husband and I set no “contact” parameters when we left our daughter 750 miles away. I never want her to feel as if she’s tethered to her parents, and still forced to live under “house” rules while away (house rules require knowing who, what, when, where, how). </p>
<p>If anything, SHE contacts me more than I expected. 6-8 texts a day, just general stuff. Maybe telling me a grade she just received, or that her favorite lunch is being served. But she initiates…not me. I don’t want her to feel I’m hovering.</p>
<p>In our case, it actually seems to translate into a lot of contact. The daily texts, and skype about once every 12-14 days. Certainly more than I expected.</p>
<p>I have learned that I can go for days (in the case of my son, who is now in graduate school, weeks) without any communication with my kids when they are at school, and it doesn’t worry me at all.</p>
<p>But if either of them is home for a break and is even 30 minutes late getting home from wherever they went, I go nuts. And it’s not because they’re using my car. If my husband uses my car and is 30 minutes late, I don’t even notice.</p>
<p>This makes no sense at all. There must be some sort of leftover parental instinct operating, and I can’t seem to turn it off.</p>
<p>I’m with LasMa, I’ll be glad when she stops texting me everyday because that means she has something better to do than text dear old mom. My S is notoriously bad with contact, he’s a senior in college now. Doesn’t bother me at all, I know he’s doing well and is very busy. I text him once in awhile to see if he’s still alive and then he’ll call. I’m used to it. It’s much better than the semester where he called us every night because he was so lonely.</p>
<p>I know I must be weird also because I could only hope that my D had a boyfriend to spend time with and to spend the night with. It would mean she found someone she likes and wants to spend time with. I would be so happy.</p>
<p>My sister always knows when my nieces is out for the night and when she gets home, and my niece is 22. D and I both think that’s a bit much… We joked that I would just monitor a GPS on D’s cell phone, so I could see what time she went from her dorm to the frat party and then what time she went back to her dorm - I could watch a little blip on a screen as she moved around campus and around town day by day… </p>
<p>no. I don’t want that much detail. </p>
<p>If she lived alone, I might be a bit more nervous, but she’s in a dorm and has a nice friend as a roommate; they keep track of each other.</p>
<p>I get periodic logistic calls and texts but what I ask for is a once a week ten minute “visit” so we can catch up a bit.</p>
<p>Since I am one of those “let me know where you are, so when you disappear off the face of the earth we know where you were last seen and where to begin the search” kind of moms – one of the very unexpected pluses of son’s fianc</p>
<p>My son NEVER turns on his cell phone. Never uses text. The only time I know for sure that he even uses the phone is during the 8 hour drive back and forth from school and when he is home on breaks. On his campus cell phones don’t seem to be a big thing. </p>
<p>I am always happy when I open my e-mail box and he has sent an e-mail requesting something. Usually, it is something simple like a certain kind of candy or a some gloves since it is cold where he is. I love running to the PO to send a requested package.</p>
<p>Also, his checking account is attached to our accounts so when I go online and see balances I’m always happy his has gone down. I look to see where he is spending money and it is usually the coffee house or a pizza shop. This always makes me smile because I know he is out with friends.</p>
<p>I sent him an e-mail last night because I saw his checking account balance was $5.46. The title was DON’T SPEND ANY MONEY. He immediately wrote back and apologized and asked that I deposit some checks he left here over Christmas.</p>
<p>The thing that I learned about home is that he is the one that uses 4-5 towels a day. I guess all those sports activities and showers afterwards uses lots of towels.</p>
<p>When D1 was going through a hard time while studying abroad, she was complaining to me every time I spoke with her. We started this rule where she had to say something good while she was on the phone with me. If she didn’t I would remind her. It went on for a month, and then it was mostly all good. When she left to come home, she cried for most of the way home on the plane (it was a 16 hr flight).</p>
<p>One thing I have learned is not to get too caught up with D1’s drama. When she is talking to me it could sound like the world is coming to an end, but it would usually work itself out. Now, I take a deep breath while she complains, and I try to forget after I get off the phone with her.</p>
<p>Marian, I am with you. I am fine when my S is away at school and I don’t know what he is doing, but when he is home, I am MOM all over again. The consequence is he spends most of his school break at school and not here.</p>
<p>D was in college before texting became popular, so IM was our choice of quick communication. As time went on, there was less and less, which was fine. I would generally wait for her to initiate conversation unless I had something important to tell her.</p>
<p>S is a product of the age of texting - I think it’s his only method of communication, sometimes. He had some tough issues when he began college, so there were lots of texts, IMs, middle of night phone calls. As the problem got resolved, there was reduced contact. And now, 2 1/2 years later, I get a text if he needs something or if he got an exceptionally good or bad grade. So now when I hear the new text tone on my phone, I freeze for a second wondering if I really want to read that text! </p>
<p>I have actually sent him an “Are you alive?” text once or twice when it has been more than a week since I have heard from him, lol! But that’s ok - it means he is happy, thriving, and enjoying his friends, his school and his life. I am the first to hear when things are not going well.</p>
<p>What have I learned in the four years of college and the two years since? That whatever you want to do doesn’t matter if your kids don’t agree. </p>
<p>Texting works well with my son, less well with my D. They both have my number indexed under aICE in their phones so I try not to worry. Mostly I succeed. They do both have twitter accounts and I get their tweets. Sometimes I wish I didn’t ;-)</p>
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<p>I learned that when your student uses their debit card, and there isn’t enough cash in their checking account to cover the transaction, the bank will (very nicely) allow the transaction to be made. And charge a $37 fee for each such transaction. That was an expensive…tube of toothpaste…and bag of apples…and on and on and on.</p>
<p>I guess it would be too easy to just DENY the transaction?</p>
<p>“… make sure that they do NOT have overdraft protection. It is much better to not be able to buy something than to pay the overdraft fees that can add up.”</p>
<p>My D just opened a new checking account and specifically instructed the bank that she did not want overdraft protection. The fine print that came in the mail afterward explained that there are still circumstances in which they will give her an overdraft AND charge that fee.<br>
- If the store only requests authorization for an amount she has (like $1) when the charge is really higher, they’ll cover it = FEE<br>
- If the store asks for authorization on a day she has funds but processes the purchase on a day when she doesn’t, they’ll cover it = FEE<br>
- If she has the money to buy something but a check clears before the debit does and thus there isn’t enough money, they’ll cover it - Fee </p>
<p>In all these cases, there is a $35 overdraft fee. If the account remains overdrawn for 5 days, there is $35 extended overdraft balance charge.</p>
<p>The moral of the story is clearly that the kids need to learn to keep track of their balance - and not just the balance an ATM machine shows as that might be incorrect due to outstanding charges.</p>
<p>I’ve learned that I can deal without knowing their whereabouts 24/7, and they can manage their lives pretty well without checking in with me, for the most part.<br>
One of the few good things about having them out of the house is that I don’t worry about them when they’re out late at night. I, too, have a hard time sleeping when they’re at home and out with friends until I hear the front door open and see the lights go off.
The once-a-week Sunday call works perfectly for us. Any emails or calls we get in-between are a bonus.</p>
<p>“”… make sure that they do NOT have overdraft protection. It is much better to not be able to buy something than to pay the overdraft fees that can add up.“”</p>
<p>That’s not how it’s ever worked for my bank accounts. If you do not have overdraft protection, the transaction goes through and you get a $40 fee for each transaction. If you do have it, they take the balance from your savings and there is NO fee unless you overdraw checking AND savings. They’ve changed it now so there is an expensive annual fee and a very small fee if you overdraw, but I didn’t purchase that because I had not overdrawn my account in the two years I’ve had it anyway. But having overdraft protection sure was nice as just in case thing when the program was still practical.</p>
<p>“I am still finding bobby pins everytime my daughter comes home for a visit.”</p>
<p>Me too, brookesmom! Now I just shake my head and laugh when I see those bobby pins.</p>