<p>My DS wants to join BS next year as a 10th grader. (FYI, I am Mom)
Unlike the initial emotion I got when the acceptance news came, now I am a little concerned on too much independence he will have… and how he will handle it. Most of all, I wouldn’t know what is going on his life there.</p>
<p>Instead of nagging over the phone, I am trying to make a list of things I want to check regularly on his daily life. He can just fill out the form and send it every week (maybe).
Well… I won’t be able to do something with him on this, at least he can self-check on his life while filling the form. </p>
<p>What do you think?</p>
<p>Let me start with the items I want to add. Anybody can add more items.</p>
<pre><code> doing well <---------------------------------> not at all
</code></pre>
<ul>
<li>Eat breakfast +7 +6 +5 +4 +3 +2 +1 0</li>
<li>Take Vitamin +7 +6 +5 +4 +3 +2 +1 0</li>
<li><p>Eat Veggie +7 +6 +5 +4 +3 +2 +1 0</p></li>
<li><p>Any unfinished homework? 0 -5 -10 -15</p></li>
<li><p>Any late homework? 0 -5 -10 -15</p></li>
<li><p>the performance on tests +30 +20 +10 +5 0 -5 -10 -20 -30</p></li>
<li><p>what kind of books to read besides class work? +10 (hours) +5 0</p></li>
<li><p>Any extra math study besides class work (XX hours)</p></li>
<li><p>attending club meeting? </p></li>
<li><p>engage in social?</p></li>
<li><p>spend time with any adult (counselor/ advisor/ teacher)</p></li>
<li><p>practice piano/violin (XX hours)</p></li>
<li><p>what type of exercise for XX hours</p></li>
<li><p>too many hours in Internet?</p></li>
<li><p>how long/often in Facebook?</p></li>
<li><p>chatting in Gmail?</p></li>
</ul>
<p>I think you’re going to have to let go of a lot of this. I understand completely how crazy it is for a mom not to know these kinds of things, but it’s part of the sacrifice that we make when we let our kids go.</p>
<p>The academic things that you have listed, you may or may not be notified of by the school. So much depends on where he is going to school. At some of the smaller schools, his advisor would probably be able to fill you in on a lot of those things.</p>
<p>I would just advise you to call him! Get unlimited text if you don’t already have it. It is an adjustment, not knowing all of these things, but trust that you have a good enough relationship with your son so that he’ll be forthcoming about all those things. My own gets annoyed sometimes when I ask him about this kind of stuff, but I just remind him that he is only 14 and I’m still his mom. :)</p>
<p>You can’t micro-manage though, so don’t even try.</p>
<p>While some of my other posts might make it seem like I’m one of the most “worried about sending my kid to BS” parents on the forum, and I agree with Neato…I mean, there are things on your list that I don’t even keep track of while she’s living under my roof.</p>
<p>Please take this in the kind manner it is intended. You are going to sufficate him with your lists. By having this list, you are unintentionally telling him that he can’t do it on his own. My thoughts are that if a boarding school feels he has the maturity to handle the feedom and responsibilities of bs, then he probably does. </p>
<p>Both my son and daughter have been in bs. I would never ask them to report on the activities you’ve mentioned. I would ask about what they are doing, in a natural, conversational way.</p>
<p>I think you should speak with your son about your expectations for his behavior at school before he enrolls, i.e., “I expect you to eat vegetables, take your vitamins, do all your work, study extra math, join a club, exercise regularly, and limit time spent on social media (etc.).” In the end, though, parents don’t enroll alongside their students at boarding school. Adjusting to the increased independence and expectations takes time, and it’s a learning process. </p>
<p>I know my kids would not comply with a weekly-check off list. Some of the items on your list will be covered by the school’s structure, for example, at some schools, breakfast is not optional for freshmen. They must do a sport. Academic problems lead to a supervised study hall, and so forth. </p>
<p>Perhaps you should choose a school, then focus on the items its daily structure doesn’t cover? Eating vegetables and limiting social media is good advice for anyone.</p>
<p>I think Neato,7 & Peri got it right. You can bring up some of those types of questions during Admissions on the Road or in just in passing during visits. IMO I would recommend really not going there so much. A lot is about independence from M&D, have a little faith. He won’t starve, he’ll have to do his work, he’ll have plenty to read, extra Math could be right down the hall, late homework will get handed in, plenty of clubs and social functions to attend, probably weekly meals with his advisor, sign him up for piano lessons, sports it’s imperative and they’ll yank the internet if abused. What are you going to talk about on the phone if you require a weekly to do list?</p>
<p>I don’t know if you’re really that worried about him getting his vitamins or more that anxiety is just setting in around the separation and how hard that will be. </p>
<p>Sometimes when I talk to my son on the phone, I feel that the phone calls are time limited because he’s going off to practice or study hours are bearing down upon us, and I find myself firing off questions in rapid succession just to try to get as much info about what is going on in his life in a very short time. Your email reminded me of that.</p>
<p>My husband on the other hand, usu starts with an open ended question. “Whaz up?” He lets my son tell him what’s on his mind. He gets the prioritized concern, whereas I get more the comprehensive picture of how he is doing.</p>
<p>Still, I am learning and agree with others, that you gotta let go. More and more I find my questions are fueld by anxiety from feeling that I can’t help him with the day to day stuff. He has to do it on his own. You know your child better than anyone. No one can tell you how best your phone calls will go between the two of you in the future. Give yourselves time to adjust to the new reality of separation. In the end, you and he may find the rapid fire method helpful, he may find it comforting that you care so much and you may get the info you need to feel that he is taking care of himself.</p>
<p>This is my first post ever, so I hope I’m doing this correctly. My child is currently in first year of BS. My child’s school describes the process for parents as moving from a management role to a consultant role. For someone like me who has always been heavily into management, it’s hard to let go. But I’m coming to terms with it, and you will too. Part of the beauty of the BS experience (and one of the scariest things about it) is that the kid totally owns it. Will your child always do things the way you would? No. Will your child sometimes drop the ball? Yes. But he will work through it, and you will be surprised and even proud when you realize that he no longer needs you to be his manager. So let go a little and plan on being a consultant rather than a manager. And try not to worry. I know. Easier said than done.</p>
<p>I know I have to let it go. try not to worry…</p>
<p>First of all, it was not a joke. I was serious.
Even I thought it’s good idea for him to go over the list once a week quickly. He doesn’t have to send it to me. But he can use it as a self-monitoring tool.:)</p>
<p>When he was much younger, we made a list together (making bed, brush teeth, feeding dog, reading, practice instrument etc). He check off everyday. If he accomplish 80% at the end of a week, he got extra computer time or extra money to buy game. At that time I was so tired of nagging around. He liked the incentives and self-control part.
I remember this… so thought it might work again in a separated situation.</p>
<p>I don’t feel bad by reading your replies. Thank you for all sincere advice.</p>
<p>No offense, but I would not be OK with my parents doing this. I know different parents have different parenting styles, but BS is about independence. Judging from that list, the student in question, your son, may lack the necessary skills to be independent and thrive at BS if he needed a list like that. I would only impose a list if he was not doing well after a year at BS.</p>
<p>How about if you make the list and ask him to tape it to his wall as a reminder checklist for himself. It will make you feel good that it’s on the wall. He will feel that you trust him to take care of himself and he will know that those things are important to you. He will have the freedom to eat or not eat his veggies. He, and his friends, will know that you love him because you made the list in the first place! Knowing that he is loved and trusted is so much more important than whether or not he’s getting his B vitamins!</p>
<p>I agree with baseball mom. If you sat down and made the list together, and he’s got a list-following nature, it might be sort of a comforting thing to him–and a good reminder. Eventually, it’ll probably fall off the wall, but let’s face it, mamas are suppose to ask kids if they’re eating their veggies, and kids are supposed to roll their eyes, sigh heavily and know that their mamas love them.</p>
<p>(I didn’t make a list, but on Parent’s Week-end, I admit I did, more than once, point out where the vegetables were located in the cafeteria line. And his dad bought two big bottles of vitamins and left them on the dresser, so that we could ask him if he was taking them every time he complained about feeling tired. :)</p>
<p>The problem with listing some of the other stuff–specifics about homework, clubs, violin practice, extra reading–is that he’s going to have to prioritize his work and commitments in a whole new way at school. For example, he may not have time for a club, at least at first, or for much instrument practice or pleasure reading. What might help is some discussion at home of what to prioritize and why. I think discussions like this are important to have–no one at bs is going to care about your child as much as you do or know him as well. Ultimately, though, you’ll have to let him find his way.</p>
<p>Finally, the adviser can be a real lifeline for the anxious parent–make contact early, pour out your anxiety if you need to, and then try your best to follow his advice. :)</p>
<p>Classical Mama - Thank you for letting me know that I will not be so insane when I help my D locate the veggies during revisits. It was “on my list” :)</p>