What to do about a parent who doesn't spend time w/ kid, always putting friends 1st?

Parent Cafe
1

I’m a college student, and have a dad who is charitable to the entire world but can’t spend a night home with his own family.

I’ve literally spent 2 hours alone with my parents this entire year. That’s the standard for my family. I can count the number of family days or family nights we’ve had in my life.

I like that my dad is charitable and helps people, that’s cool.

But, it sucks that we don’t know each other at all and that he can’t see that it’s unfair to try to be like a parent to everyone but his own kid.

Tonight was yet another night like that. I’m visiting them 3 days-- I get to see them a few times a year now tops with college in another state. Even growing up we hardly ever spent any fine time together at all living int he same house.

We’re sitting in the living room having a family night-- it’s my birthday, and it’s my last night here before I have to fly back to the state I live in.

My dad goes and works out with his friend, shortening our planned family night, then comes home mid-evening. We try for family night then.

We sit maybe 20 minutes as a family before his friend calls saying she’s having a fight with her teen son- he tells her to come over.

Family night… done. Over.

It’s my last night here, and it’s my birthday.

It’s one of a few short visits a year that I get to see my family.

I sympathize with the mom friend fighting with her teen that he agreed to talk to.

But, it’s this non-stop. Any minor problem a friend has trumps family time every single time, year after year.

We never get family time. 3 hours of family time per year is more than we usually get.

Last night we had planned a family night, but he invited his friends over to try to help them with their credit scores. He didn’t spend time with his wife. That’s routine too- he isn’t there for his wife for holidays like that. He buys her flowers and a card now which is great- but he puts any minor trivial need of his friends before the emotional needs of his own family.

Yesterday afternoon he invited a bunch of people over so they wouldn’t be alone on Valentine’s.

I like that he helps people, don’t get me wrong.

But, when I’ve literally spent less than 3 hours together alone with my family in a year-- that’s sad.

He doesn’t know me at all, never has-- he’s never tried to. Ever.

He does charity for everyone he knows.

That’s great-- but family are people too, and the father-figure he’s trying to be for his friends is what he’s denying his own family.

If someone needs help with their credit score, moving their stuff, letting out their dog, breaking up with their girlfriend, whatever… anytime, anyone… he’s willing to spend quality time with them whenever, whenever… and he lets it always interrupt attempts at family time… every single time.

Having his friends over during what was supposed to be a family night yesterday to help them with their credit score is not an emergency. That could have waited a day until I have to fly back. I don’t get to see my family again until Thanksgiving.

I expressed how I felt earlier today, wanting to spend family time. Yet again tonight he let some random phone call of a friend he barely knows cancel our family night.

He’ll do anything for his friends anytime-- listen to them endlessly about their minor life worries like grades. But he can’t spend an hour of quality time getting to know his own kid.

On Valentine’s day he didn’t spend time with his wife, instead he invited his young friends over to help them with their credit scores.

He believes it’s his duty to help people, a religious duty. That’s cool, but why would the needs of everyone on the planet come before your own family every time?

Why is it ok to be a father-figure and comfort the emotional needs of every friend you have every single time they’re even slightly upset or disappointed in life be more important than ever spending time with your own family?

I like charity, and I like helping friends. But that shouldn’t mean a family doesn’t know each other at all because they help everyone else other than their own family.

My mom understands the situation and realizes my dad doesn’t understand family time.

Naturally, I’m hurt.

My dad has never tried to get to know me, and has never tried to spend quality time with this family- a few short childhood vacations aside.

He likes to help everyone else, and treats all his young friends like they’re his kid. He’s never spent quality time with me like he has with his friends trying to get to know me.

I was a perfect ideal child- good grades, I volunteer tons, I have good extracurriculars, gave him “best dad tshirts” every father’s day-- even though he was never ever a father to me and never spent quality family time with his own family, go to a top tier school and paid for it 100% by myself, I didn’t drink or smoke or do any teen rebellion stuff.

What would you do if you were me and had a dad who never had acted like a dad to his own kid- but was nice and charitable to everyone else he meets?

Yes, I feel quite like an orphan.

I don’t want to have kids and him not be a grandfather to his kids like he wasn’t a father to me.

I missed out on having a father and still miss out on having a father— I don’t want my own kids to miss out on having a grandfather.

How do I fix it?

Should I just accept not having a father figure, and choose to marry a spouse of my own who will make me/my kids a priority?

Long vent, but… it sucks.

2

Write him a card : “Dad I love you and wish we could spend some quite alone time together”.

3

I told him just a handful of hours ago I wanted to spend more time as a family. That didn’t work. Another family night / birthday cancelled because of yet another of his friends he hardly knows wanting to talk.

What’s left? Beg?

4

As you have expressed yourself verbally and he is ignoring it, you could maybe put your thoughts into writing. But you may just have to live with it – enjoy the rest of your family, and don’t repeat his mistakes (as you see them) as a parent.

5

A parent not spending any time with his family is a mistake by just about any standard, isn’t it?

I don’t get to enjoy the rest of my family- when his friends come over we have to leave the living room and go to our rooms, there’s nowhere else to sit together other than in bedrooms in beds.

I probably will have to live with it and accept that I’m essentially fatherless and always will be.

I would never, ever repeat his mistakes with my kids. If I don’t plan to spend time with my kids, I wouldn’t choose to have any. At least my kids will have their parents, just not a real grandpa in their life.

6

@orphan I am so sorry you are living through such a painful situation. For whatever reasons, your father is not willing or able to meet your needs.

My best advice is to express your feelings fully and then work toward releasing your father from any expectations you may have of him and thereby release yourself. This takes lots of practice and is not easy but, your emotional freedom is worth it. I know because I’ve had to do it myself.

Please don’t let this pain define your life choices or relationships. You are infinitely valuable without anyone else’s validation.
Sending you a big hug! Hang in there.

7

First off, Happy Birthday!

I think putting it in writing, telling him how much you love him and how much you would love to spend some family time alone with him although you respect his giving nature to others. How you were looking forward to family time this weekend because the opportunities are rare and will only get more rare and how you were disappointed that you couldn’t spend time together for your birthday. Unfortunately, other than doing that, your options are limited. In the future, I would just go ahead and plan nice dinners, celebrations, and family time with your mother. Don’t let him get in the way of enjoying that time with her. If he’s there for it, wonderful. If not, keep on with your plans and enjoy the time together.

It’s important to remember that its not about you or a reflection on you. It’s about him. It’s his loss. Yes, its nice he helps others, but he’s likely motivated by his own needs to do so as much as or more than it is for helping others.

As far as your own future family goes, I’m sure your own childhood will make you a wonderful parent by giving your own kids what you didn’t have. I have a nephew whose father wasn’t there for him emotional and often physically as well, a real narcissist. My nephew is a wonderful, loving, engaged father to his two little girls. It’s a joy to see.

8

I am going to say… although I think this hurts your feeling, you are being a bit overdramatic. There are kids who are truly fatherless – fathers who abandoned their family with no financial support, physically abused family members so they can no longer see their families, are in prison, or are deceased. Your name says ‘orphan’, but you do have a father – and while he may only spend 20 minutes instead of a whole evening with you, it isn’t all about you. I’m going to suggest that while you try to communicate your needs to him, that you also take a bit of time to be grateful for what you have.

9

@doschicos

Thanks for the birthday wishes. That’s true, it probably really is more about his own needs than all about helping others. He’s very insecure and wants to be a resource for others- to have the info they need, and that probably feeds his helping others as an addiction. I think he really does need people to need him-- and only those who aren’t obligated to be in his life. He easily says no / I don’t want to to family and relatives, but he’s paranoid about letting down friends. He declined a friend wanting to come over one morning and felt bad that he disappointed them… even though he saw that friend less than 12 hours the night before, and was already going to see that friend that very evening too. He needs his friends to need him, addicted to it. Yeah, it really is his loss. I’m glad your nephew is a father for his kids.

10

@orphan A good friend of mine told me once that we spend the first 30 years of our lives hating our parents and the next 30 realizing that we are just like them. Your father is a flawed individual; you are, too. We all are.

I don’t doubt a word of what you have said, but I suspect a communication problem. In any event, you are now on the cusp of adulthood. You aren’t a kid any more, and maybe you need to learn to appreciate your dad as “just a guy.”

If you want to spend some time alone, you clearly need to get your father out of the house to a location where he cannot be reached. And believe it or not, adults have serious problems, too, and your father may have a problem with emotional intimacy, which manifests itself by his constantly surrounding himself by people who he is “helping.”

Just try to love people as they are, as hard as that might be.

11

@PokeyJoe Thanks, it is painful, and it’s not a fair situation, and most people don’t understand that having an emotionally unavailable parent who they never see is essentially being fatherless. I don’t know how to not expect a parent to actually act like a parent ever, even after all these years, but I suppose I’ll have to try to learn and realize I only have a partial family in practical terms and have to stop expecting to have a father figure active in my life.

At least with the relatives I’ve lost, close family at that, they loved me during their living lives-- that’s much less painful for me than a living but unavailable person. It’s much easier for me to accept loss to death than simply family who doesn’t try to be there for their family ever and has the time to (instead being there for friends 100% of the time, family 0%).

I suppose my dad could be mad that he had surgery in the past that I couldn’t afford to fly to see him for that, or for whatever other reason.

I also didn’t know what to say to him then with his surgery and probably should have been more emotional about it.

I’m on the autism spectrum, and an introvert, and never have had outwardly emotionally caring/supportive people around me, so being overly emotionally expressive when someone has a surgery like that doesn’t come naturally for me and I don’t know how to do it.

I guess I feel the need to try to add that I was always an “ideal child.” I almostwish I hadn’t been, and maybe gotten in some trouble… then maybe we would’ve grown together as a family. But, true, I really don’t have to validate my virtues- parents should act like parents, no matter if their kid is perfect or troubled or “needy.” I hopefully can be that unconditionally loving parent to my own kids if nothing else.

12

You Imply that your dad doesn’t love you. I don’t see evidence of that, merely that you want more attention than he gives you. It sounds like your dad is an extrovert – it is possible that he shares few of you interests, and finds you hard to talk to. That isn’t all on his side…

13

Spending quality time with people shows you love them, and healthy families who give a flip about each other spend quality time together at some point. A few hours a few of family time each year- also interrupted by friend’s phone calls many times over and over- doesn’t make anyone world’s best dad. Do you show YOUR kids you love them by NOT ever spending any time with them?

So, if it’s on my side, what’s the fix? Clearly I want some family time, have told him that, and clearly I’ve never gotten substantial quality family time from my dad in my entire life. I’ve spent less time a year with my own father than he’s spent with each of his friends this week.

14

@PokeyJoe I think the only life choice my father’s lifelong failure will have on my life is that I won’t repeat his mistakes with my kids. I should find a way to move past his failure and disregard his absence in our family time as his loss and because of his own personal problems that are not about us, with it hopefully hurting less one day.

It really makes sense that his “helping” people is because he’s addicting to his friends needing him validating his own worth and intelligence, and he can’t do close emotional bonds like family bonds would be and because he thrives on drama- like his friends are more than willing to constantly provide him with.

I can at least limit my time “visiting” him ( visiting his house) and feeling like s**t because he disregards family time over and over. I don’t have to be around that, or be around his house where we’re simply disregarded.

15

Are you sure you clearly articulated to him what you want at a time when you do have his attention? I ask because I have a kid on the spectrum, and there are times when she thinks she has articulated a request when she has not done so in any understandable way to the other person, or she picked an inappropriate time to communicate her request. That is why I suggest you put in writing what you would like to have happen – you may not be communicating as clearly as you think you are.

16

This post was so reminiscent of a song by Harry Chapin. @orphan, listen to the song: Cat’s in the Cradle and mail him a copy of the lyrics. He’ll know the song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7OqwKfgLaeA
Your Dad is losing you.

17

I’m sorry to hear about your issues with your dad. My parents were similar growing up, except that when they did turn their attention to me I often wished they hadn’t. I would say you should just try your best to accept that it is what it is. Do your best to move on, but leave the door open in case your father ever changes his ways.

My parents are quite close to my siblings and their kids, but generally ignore me and my D for some reason. I never really understood why, but I gave up on it once I turned 18 and went off to college. In fact my W didn’t believe me for the first 5-10 years we were married and made a continuous and strong effort to have close ties. She eventually gave up too. My parents haven’t seen my D for over 12 years, meanwhile they make trips out to see my siblings and their kids just about every year. It was a yearly tradition for a while that I’d invite them to come visit, they’d accept, then later cancel.

I’ve been pretty indifferent to the whole thing for ages, which I think is the best approach for this sort of situation. Your dad may come around, or he may not. All you can do is try to protect your own emotional health in the meantime and do your best to build your own life and eventually your own family.

18

@“aunt bea” Very true, he is losing me, and he’s really lucky he hasn’t quite lost me yet. Almost, but I keep having a (very) slight ounce of hope that he’ll start acting like a father and spending time with his kid, not always put his friends above family.

I don’t know that I’ll mail him the lyrics. :smiley: But I might just start playing that every time I visit him.

So true. One day he’ll wish he had had a relationship with me, and by then it’ll be too late… he’ll have lost me forever.

19

I sympathize with you.

20

I had a similar situation with my father. He did everything for others and often put his immediate family last. I knew that I would never do that to my kids. My husband and I have a close relationship with our boys and it seems to make up for the one I never had with my own father. I used my past as a lesson to not repeat with my own family. I have made peace with it. Before my dad passed away he said that he knew why we were never close. I thought that he had no idea. Most people seem to know about the mistakes they make. It’s too bad that it came too late for us.