What to do about a parent who doesn't spend time w/ kid, always putting friends 1st?

Parent Cafe
21

As you get older, you are going to realize that you need to take your parents for who they are. Your father may not feel he needs to spend as much time to help you out because you have turned out so well. That being said, I understand you need more time with your dad.

You may want to come up with activities that would make your father not as accessible to others - a ball game, dinner out instead of at home, hiking, volunteer work (since he likes to help people so much), or have him come visit you in school.

We have opposite problem, we feel we don’t get enough time with our kids. I used to come up with activities they liked so they would want to come. I planned many family vacations (out of the country) so we could spend a week or two as a family without a lot of interruptions.

22

Is your dad a minister?

23

Playing the song each time you’re home is being passive aggressive. It’s not an adult solution to the problem.

Here’s what I suggest. Make plans to take dad out to dinner for his birthday. You and him, in a restaurant, for dinner, your treat. Let him know that you really want the quality time alone. Not by playing a song, but by saying these words, ver batim: “Dad, it bothers me that we spend so little time alone together. For your birthday, I would like to take you out to dinner on Tuesday night. Would you prefer _______ or ______ restaurant? I’ll call and make reservations-- is 7 pm OK??” And say those words a week or two ahead of time, so dad has time to clear his calendar.

That way, you’re making a reasonable request in words that convey what you want.

On the subject of being fatherless-- it sounds as though you live in a nice home, and like someone’s paying for college. You’re not an orphan. One of the 12 year olds in my school is an orphan-- her parents and only brother were all killed in a car accident a year ago. Her grandmother moved her cross country, and she started in my school in the middle of the year, knowing exactly one person in the building: her cousin who is 5 years older than she is. In a split second, every single familiar part of her life was lost.

That’s not your situation. You’re not an “orphan.” You mention your mom. You also mention your dad’s wife. They all sound as though they care about you.

And on this subject: " I get to see them a few times a year now tops with college in another state"-- how on earth is that their fault?? I’m guessing you chose your college, not that they sent you off without your consent. YOU chose to move away from home, and now you’re complaining that you never get to see your family?? You’re not being fair here. You would see them more if you lived home. You chose not to live home. And now you’re complaining that you don’t have enough time alone with your family.

Your family is living life while you’re not home. They can’t, and can’t be expected to, drop everything that’s important for the times when you get a 3 day window to be home. Their lives can’t be rearranged on your very limited schedule.

Also, on the subject of having nowhere to go as a family when dad has someone over-- how’s the kitchen or dining room table? Or can a few of you hang out in someone’s bedroom?

You won’t see your family again until Thanksgiving?? Why on earth not? That’s 9 months away.

I think you have a reasonable issue, but that you’re also laying on the drama a bit more than necessary. And you’re acting like the victim; like this is all something that has happened though someone else’s choices. Your dad sounds like a nice guy who may have misplaced his priorities. You’re a college student-- old enough to make a request in simple words.

24

@orphan Have you considered the possibility that your autism diagnosis is something that could have a genetic component? This knowledge, if true, might make it easier to forgive your Dad’s inability to initiate connecting with you instead of following his routine of helping others.

With that in mind, your Dad may need help understanding your emotions.

He clearly loves you with his provision. He’s just not showing his love in a way you can feel it. -time together.

When you loosen your expectations and understand that he is doing what he’s capable of, you won’t have the response of anger and pain, however justified they may be.

I’m glad you are motivated to correct your Dad’s failings with your own future family. That is a positive response.

25

Orphan, I think that I understand how you are feeling. My husband fits the description of your father. Over the years, I frequently felt like a single parent. One of my saddest memories occurred when my son was six years old and he asked if his dad was coming to his soccer game. I usually made excuses to cover up H’s lack of interest but that day I was tired of lying and told S that HE needed to talk to his father. Son replied, “Do I need to get down on my knees and beg him to pay attention to me?” It was such an odd thing for a six year old to say and very over dramatic, but, it was how he felt. I was in marriage counseling/personal counseling for years trying to come to terms with my husband’s extreme emotional generosity to friends while he neglected his wife and only child. I had to give up my fantasy of the perfect loving family and accept reality. I also worked very hard to “teach” my husband how to have a relationship with his son. Their relationship isn’t that fantasy life that I dreamed but they are able to talk and when S comes home for his breaks, H makes time for him.

26

My MIL was the same way with my husband and it broke his heart. He always tried, I tried. But it wasn’t until much later when he realized that she was a good woman who never wanted to be a mother that my husband realized that she just didn’t have anything to give him. She, also, was a great friend but terrible mother and grandmother. In a life where she could have chosen her path, she would never have had children. There was no resolution for my husband and his mother, just a letting go. You can’t fix or change this - it’s on him. You can only grieve the loss of what you would have liked and work to build the best life you can. This is who he is and I’m sure he has his reasons, although many of us may think he is making a mistake. Some people just should never be parents and never will truly bond with their children.

27

You might want to try e-mail – not to ask your father to change his habits but to try to develop some ongoing communication between the two of you that doesn’t involve face-to-face meetings.

Sometimes, people who don’t relate well in one communications medium do fine in another. My sister and I can’t be together for more than a couple of hours without getting into arguments, most of which consist of rehashing unpleasant interactions that happened decades ago.

But we have a great e-mail relationship. We “talk” about all kinds of things by e-mail and get along well. We just can’t stand being in the same room (and fortunately, we rarely have to be since we live on opposite sides of the country).

Also, older people LIKE e-mail. And people don’t have to answer e-mails immediately, so if you send your father a message while he’s out of the house, he can answer it later.

28

@intparent I read your post about him being lucky he has a dad, I don’t think so. I have a single mom and my dad has been out of the picture.

I’d rather not have one than have one within reach but without him knowing me. That’s way worse. @orphan I am sorry, I don’t know what to say. I would have an aggressive confrontation if I was as upset as you. It’s not fair, do you know that he is really your dad?

I really can’t explain the situation, I see no rational for it. I’m sorry.

Edit: I read the whole thread. I just am glad you will be a good father afte rgoing through this.

I wish you the best of luck

29

@SeniorStruggling, you (and a lot of other posters) are projecting your own “Dad” issues onto the poster. To be blunt, maybe the OP is not an enjoyable person to be around. Even parents can only take so much of their own kids sometimes. I also wonder if his dad is a minister. Honestly – to me, the OP comes off as immature and jealous of his dad’s profession. And also unable to see that there are worse qualities in a dad than someone who is extroverted, whom a lot of people call in for help, and who readily gives that help. The OP also has no response except more whining when posters make suggestions about how to communicate more clearly with his dad.

This is also a poster with one thread that they put in the Parent Cafe. That doesn’t make sense to me.

30

This doesn’t seem to be the problem. According to the OP, the father treats his wife (the OP’s stepmother?) the same way.

31

@intparent I am not projecting my own issues. I am saying I’d rather be without than with something just out of reach.

The poster must have joined to ask about this, and we cannot assume he is not a good person as he obviously cares about his father and his family. Maybe his father is the problem as it is presented here.

The wife shares op’s sentiments so I doubt op is to blame.

32

Some people have an intimacy issue; they can’t get close to thier own family. It is easier to be out and baout than have a “family” time. If that’s the case, there’s nothing OP can do unless dad agrees to a therapy to sort out his intimacy issue. OP, I am sorry you have to go through this. IMO, it doesn’t help to know it’s his loss since it’s yours, too.

33

Most posters who join and make their first post like this in the Parent Cafe have a goal of stirring the pot, and aren’t what they represent themselves to be. When they don’t respond to the posts that suggest an actual course of action, it is further evidence.

34

" I keep having a (very) slight ounce of hope that he’ll start acting like a father and spending time with his kid, not always put his friends above family."

He is acting like a father; just not the one you need and want. I think you have to make peace with what you’ve got for a father, instead of getting so angry that he’s not the dad you want. I understand where you’re coming from (I truly do), and I can tell you that it’s hard to move forward when you keep feeling you’ve been screwed over by life.

It’s not your fault you feel like you got a sucky dad, but you don’t have to let it define who you are as an adult.

I get the venting, I do, but don’t let it smother you. Get the anger and resentment out there (although not to him because he won’t understand), and then let it go and move on.

You don’t need him. You really don’t. Your world can be a very good place when you start defining what you let into it and what you don’t. I’m not saying you should stop talking to him, but you should stop being hurt by him. If that means your relationship evolves into something cordial but distant, then that can be a good thing.

You’ll have space in your heart to bring people in who light it up instead of crushing it.

35

^I disagree. He is NOT acting like a father. He is who he is, which isn’t a father. As zm said some people shouldn’t have been a parent. I also disagree with “You don’t need a father.” OP needs a father but s/he doesn’t have one. OP will have to find a way to cope with it.

36

“Dad, when i come home, can we make it a priority to just spend time together? Let’s turn off the phones and not let anyone interrupt our night.”

My guess is your Dad likes being the hero…saving people.

37

You know what, OP? It’s ok to come here to a group of adults and say things that you can’t say to people in your actual life. Some things are very hard to discuss and judged harshly (even by some on this thread), so it’s actually good and healthy to come here and get the words and feelings out so you can examine them and let them go.

38

One more thought: It may be that your father is uncomfortable being with you or other family members because he doesn’t know what to do or talk about in those situations.

In the situations you describe with his friends, he seems to have a specific purpose. Maybe he needs that in order to relate to people.

What if you didn’t ask him to “spend time with you” but instead asked him to do something specific – perhaps something that’s helpful to you. If he’s good with finances, you could ask him to go over your income tax form with you to make sure everything is filled out properly. If he’s good with computers, you could ask him what he knows about upgrading to Windows 10. Whatever.

Maybe he would respond better to this sort of thing. And once you’re talking to each other about income taxes or computers, maybe you could expand the conversation to include other topics.

39

@bjkmom

I pay for 100% of college myself, 0% help at all from my parents.

My mom pays for their house, not him. He works part-time. The kitchen table is a few feet away from his friends over, so that’s out.

I can’t see them until Thanksgiving because I can’t afford the travel until then. When I visit, we don’t spend time together as a family- but I still try to visit a few times a year just in case my father ever chooses to spend time with his family.

We get to see each other a few times a year as a family for a short amount of time- spending a few hours of time together each visit is something most families would do-- prioritize their own family for a few hours each year.

How is it laying on the drama that my family has NEVER in my life spent more than a few hours together each YEAR my entire life?

Yes, I chose a college far away-- but we never spent more than a few hours together a YEAR before that for many years.

I would NOT see them more often when I lived at home.

I lived at home 18 years. Those 18 years we never spent more than a few hours a year as a family, usually less.

Choosing a college far away didn’t magically mean we spent less time as a family-- we NEVER spent time as a family, except a few hours a YEAR maximum. Thus, my post is asking how to fix that.

I’m not acting like a victim, and never in my life having had more than a few hours a year or less of family time is NOT my choice. I was around the house for 18 years, I’ve invited him to do things countless times, I’ve suggested family nights countless times for over 18 years. That’s my father’s choice to never spend time with his family, even when we were living with him 365 days a year. My mom understands my dilemma and how rough it is for a father to not choose to have any family time and never has.

Being around a parent who chooses not to spend time with you is just as painful as not having a parent. I’ve lost plenty of close family in my life, and the pain of losing them is made up for knowing they loved and spent time with us when alive.

40

@SeniorStruggling Thanks. It is just as bad to have someone around who chooses to not have a relationship with you than an adoring family who you lost. I’ve lost close family who passed and this is just as rough.

Yes, my family shares the same sentiments- my mom included. My father chooses to spend time with friends on things like Valentine’s day, instead of being around his own wife too. Thanks for not blaming me like someone else here has. A kid shouldn’t have to beg to spend a few hours a year with their own father. I do want my family to be a family finally, which is why I asked the question here-- and maybe there really is no fix for it. I do plan to at least not repeat his mistakes with my own kids. :slight_smile:

He is my dad, yes. It’s not a step-dad situation here.

I can only assume he’s afraid of family relationships or has his own personal problems that mean no family. He’ll happily spend any amount of time with his friends- some of who aren’t nice to him or use him (his statement, not mine), but not that same quality alone time with his own wife, his own child, or even relatives. His wife is perfectly pleasant and loving, his relatives are supportive and loving, and I haven’t had some huge disgruntle with him. Not yet, lol… as much as I feel like a confrontation like you mention, I’ve tried all my life to avoid one, and I suppose I really can’t change him and family time is never going to happen, except with my own kids.