@orphan-
I am sorry for your situation, I wish I could offer something that would magically make it better. People like your father sadly exist, who seem to live to patch up the lives of others or for friends. There are fathers like my dad, who to the world showed his genorosity and good nature, but to his own family could be quite difficult, angry, lashing out and so forth, and I know it could be hard to see the charming, warm man my dad was with other people, and the angry person he could be around the house (my mom and dad’s marriage was a tense, weird mix, perfect definition of a love-hate relationship).
My dad was nothing like yours, though, while he had his faults, some of which I paid a price for, I also can say he was a father, that he was there for us as much as we could be, spent time with us, he never questioned paying for college and yep, he had to put up for when we screwed up, made mistakes…he was the dad who would take me fishing as a kid, because I loved it so, even when it was cold out (he hated the cold), he was the dad who would spend hours with my brother (who followed in his footsteps as an ee) puttering around with electronics, and so forth, despite the fact that he was busy with work, was constantly fixing things around the house and other duties and obligations, he made that time with us, and also very much enjoyed it.Like I said, there were issues there, he wasn’t perfect, but he was a dad in many ways, too.
I appreciate you venting, and I understand it, and the only thing as others have suggested is to try and find common ground with him, find something you both enjoy doing so he doesn’t have the excuse of friends or committments and whatnot. I will say if he has always been like that, then you may have to face the fact he won’t change, you can’t change someone else, even someone you love, and for your sake, I would suggest finding alternates, if you and you mom are close, then foster that relationship, or with siblings. The other avenue is friends, one thing therapists will tell you is that the family you create is often closer and more nuturing than the family you are born into, and I have found that is true.
As far as those telling you things like “he put a roof over your head and food on the table”, I would ignore that, that is the same tired old refrain that has been offered in defense of bad parents. I have heard that used in defense of an emotionally abusive parent, and have also seen it used, sadly often by clergy, to explain away physical abuse as well (like someone very close to me, who was physically and emotionally abused by their father, going for counseling with the local priest and him telling them “you have to pray for and forgive your father, he is the head of the household”…real great advice). Putting food on the table and clothing on the back and a roof over the heads does not make a dad or mom, and that also quite honestly doesn’t necessarily show love, either, being a parent, a dad or mom, is a lot more than that. That is an excuse for poor parenting, and one that quite honestly is one that never should be used, it is justifying something that isn’t the truth, quite frankly. Material things, whether basic necessitiies or frills, don’t replace spending time with the kids, talking to them, doing things with them. If you ever read the memoirs of the kids of the rich and famous, often what they will say is that they would have traded a lot, simply to have their dad/mom there for them (not to say there aren’t the rich and famous who were great parents, there were/are a lot of them). There is a difference between a parent sacrificing financially for the child, and trying to give them brownie points for something that is required.
As they say, it is easy to be a father or a mother, that is a biological thing (or a legal thing, if you adopt a child), being a dad or mom is something far above that, it is showing love in many ways, and yes, it also means putting your own family in the right perspective, it should be family/friends/duty to others, not the other order. I have met people like the OP’s father, and quite frankly, when I see things like that it usually is someone who uses the problems of others, duty to others, to skate away from the family they basically wanted because “you are expected to have a family”, rather than wanting one, what the OP writes strikes me as someone looking to hide away from their own family. It is one thing to be a kind, caring friend who will give someone the shirt off their back, it is another to engross yourself in friends and their issues and problems above the needs of your own family. Guys like the OP’s dad tend to create a self fullfilling prophesy, they tend to gather a bunch of people around them like a magnet, people who are needy and so forth, and it gives them the perfect excuse not to live their life with their family.
Yeah, I know, we are only hearing the OP’s side of things, but to be honest, if even half of what they wrote is true, my feelings would be the same. Put it this way, if you visited a friend, were at their house, and they constantly were going away to help some friend, constantly inviting other people over when you were supposed to spend time together, and otherwise seemed to not really care if you were there, how would you feel? I doubt you would feel warm and fuzzy, you likely would be insulted and would not have much to do with that friend…and a parent is supposed to be many levels above a friend, and the biology is bupkus, with someone like the OP’s dad, take away the biology, take away the ‘duty’ things like food, clothing and a roof over the ir heads, and what do you have? An inattentive person you wouldn’t have as a friend.
Speaking as a father, who has sacrificed for my kid, as has my wife, has done what we can to support his passions, the biggest part of being a parent was the time we spent and still spend with him when we can. When our son comes home, it is a special time for us, while we don’t hove over him and he appreciates time to himself, to detox, to go into the city and see friends, we also spend a lot of time with each other, and that is what it is supposed to be about, everything else I did is what a parent is supposed to do, the time with each other, the sharing, is what to me we are meant to do, it is known as being a family shrug.
