<p>My 13 yr. old is having trouble with another boy in his class. I’m so sick of it (as, of course, he is!) but I don’t quite know what to do. H is thinking of calling the boy’s father and having a talk . I just don’t want to make it worse. Any suggestions would be most appreciated!</p>
<p>Is the bullying taking place at school or off campus or both — it may make a difference in how to handle it. Is the boy doing the bullying someone whose family you know or kind of know through youth groups/sports or total strangers?<br>
Are you talking about physical bullying or the verbal kind? My sons and their friends have gone through this (on the receiving end) but I don’t know if their experiences would be relevant to what’s happening with your son. I’m assuming that “ignore it” or “avoid the bully” as advice is not enough.</p>
<p>Tell him to tell a teacher or tell a teacher yourself. Where I live a teacher is required by law to call the police or pass it on to a higher official. </p>
<p>On one hand, letting him deal with it seems ok, but you don’t want your son to lose it and go and do something you both will regret for the rest of your lives.</p>
<p>In answer to your question, its verbal bullying, in school, by a boy who we’ve known for years. There’s always been rivalry but its now going to that next level, on the school bus, spreading rumors to other kids, etc. and making life generally pretty unpleasant for S. The mother lives in la-la land and thinks her little darling walks on water so its a difficult situation where pointing out problems to her doesn’t always sink in.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t call the dad. He’s probably a jerk too! I would call the principal. They can handle things in a nice way with the bully and make sure that there aren’t repercussions for your kid. (I’m speaking from experience here! 
)</p>
<p><em>shrugs</em> I find that stuff usually blows over eventually. </p>
<p>A good friend of mine is a former bully (of me).</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Hey, no fair!! My mantra is, “Good parents can have bad kids.” Not MINE, of course, but I try to reassure paents that it might not be their fault if their kids turn out rotten.</p>
<p>dke, I’m so sorry that you and your son are experiencing this! I know the conventional wisdom says not to contact the offending student’s parents, but I’ve done that once and it worked well. The situation in our case was pretty much typical kid stuff: a neighbor’s son was bribed (with $5.00) by a truly awful girl to pour a bottle of water on my then 12-y/o daughter as she left the school bus one afternoon. </p>
<p>My daughter walked into the house crying and I immediately phoned the boy’s mother. I was unapologetically angry (a combination of hormones and being fed up with this boy, who had teased my daughter intermittently for several years, while I said “if you just ignore it he’ll stop”). I stuck to the facts and avoided insulting her little darling - but did say that I’d call both the school and the bus garage if there was any further trouble from her kid, and that I’d make it my job to see he faced consequences at school.</p>
<p>I was so mad this mom had no time to say anything except, “But … but … but …” I hung up and the only follow-up my daughter was ever aware of was when the boy said rather sullenly to her, several days later, “I can’t believe your mom called my mom.” The teasing stopped! The girl who bribed him is a mess with major psychological problems who just went on to the next victim.</p>
<p>Yes, our kids need to learn to deal with difficult people themselves, but in middle school they might still need a little parental help. I was always told to ignore bullies because they’d eventually stop - and I guess they did, but it took a LONG time, and usually some outside circumstance (being in different classes, no longer riding the same bus) facilitated the change.</p>
<p>Jr. high is open season for bullies but it tones down by high school. Both my sons were bullied in jr. high. S1 solved his on his own by getting in the bully’s face and yelling at him; seemed to work. S2 was harrassed in the locker room (boys were pulling his pants down and running), so I went to the AP. The coaches had a talk with the boys about bullying and harrassment.</p>
<p>dke, it sounds to me like the bully may be jealous of your son.</p>
<p>Tookie, I can’t believe you said that about the jealousy. How could you have figured that out from what I wrote? He is…they’ve been rivals in sports for over 4 years…things come easily to my son, but not so much to this boy. He does have charisma, though, and the kids follow him like lemmings because he’s very “cool”. Its so frustrating. S doesn’t even like going to school which upsets me terribly. I’ve told him not to let the kid have it(verballY) but I have a feeling that there’s going to be some sort of showdown. Maybe that’ll work. and thanks for the feedback, frazzled1!</p>
<p>My son took care of this in about 3 months and it was the best thing he ever did. He started working out. It gave him a purpose, discipline, reduced his stress and increased his self esteem. He went through an amazing transformation and it showed. I think it was towards the end of the year in gym class when he hopped up to the pull up bar and put every boy in that class to shame…and finished off with one handers. The respect was immediate and he never had to deal with it again. 7 years later and he is still at it.</p>
<p>dke:</p>
<pre><code>Since the bullying is at school and on the bus and seems to be unrelenting and getting worse, I would call the principal or asst principal (that’s who handles discipline mostly at our middle school) and explain what has been happening and ask what he/she can do to help. At the middle school my sons attended, there was an established system — they called it filing a “green form” — for kids to use if they wanted to report harassment or bullying by another student. Get a form from the office, fill it out, drop it in the complaint box. The asst principal would call everyone in to talk and warn the bully and if necessary, involve the parents of the offender. This worked for the friend of my son when he was in 8th grade. He was a very bright, not athletic kid going through the pudge stage and there was one particular kid making his life miserable at the lunch tables and another kid who verbally harassed him in class and in PE. He used the system to complain and the administration, to its credit, responded. IMO, no kid should have to go to school wondering if they’re going to be humiliated or hurt that day and certainly not day after day.
</code></pre>
<p>In the case of my son’s friend, there was a call to the office, warnings, detentions and other consequences were spelled out if it didn’t stop. It did. The attitude of the administration was that the bully should lose the privilege of lunch with his friends — one of the proposed actions was that the mean kid would have to eat lunch in the office – not that the bullied kid would have to eat alone somewhere to avoid harassment. Same with the bus ride. When another kid I knew about was being bullied verbally every day at the bus stop and on the bus, the threat of losing bus-riding privileges — which would be an inconvenience to the kid’s parents — finally brought an end to the bullying. I think a lot of school officials have stopped turning a blind eye to this type of behavior.</p>
<p>I agree with the suggested actions in jazzymom’s latest post. Bullying can be a serious problem and also can have serious emotional consquences in SOME instances with some kids on the receiving end. Schools have policies about this and it certainly has become a thing more in the forefront with educators today. I would report it to the principal or person in charge of these sorts of things at the middle school (might be a guidance counselor or asst. principal). I’d ask what steps might be taken and to be kept apprised of the situation. I would not call the parents.</p>
<p>My son had a friend in elementary and junior high who was in competition with my son. He said rude things about my son at school and even cheated on tests to try and get higher grades than my son. We finally moved away in 9th grade but a friend of mine told me later that the bully had turned out to be a pretty nice kid. That’s what made me think of the jealousy thing going on.</p>
<p>Sooner or later kids need to learn to stand up for themselves. Age 13 is about time.</p>
<p>If no threats are involved, I would lean towards telling my son to consider the source and move on. My kids (and probably every child) has dealt with this type of thing at one time or another—if the offender quits getting a reaction, they often will move on to another victim. I also had no problem with my kids getting in someone’s face – the family rule was no threat, no obscenities (not sure that was followed), nothing physical. As barrons said, sometimes one just needs to stand up and show that they aren’t going to take it. Only your child knows how much this is bothering him and to what extent he wants to go to stop it. I would not call parents–could just escalate the situation (particularly with boys).</p>
<p>dke,</p>
<p>Would it make any sense to have a sit-down and ask your son how he thinks this situation should be treated? He has the best sense of the extent of the bullying, his own ability to deal with it (he might not be ready to face the bully, but might be mature enough to have a talk with a GC or other school authority for example), the probability of the school or other parent dealing effectively with it, etc. Whatever the outcome, I bet he’ll appreciate being “in the loop” and not having his parents decide his fate.</p>
<p>Marathonman88, S actually wants us to call the parents. I think it may make it worse, but H thinks its the way to go. Our school administration is pathetic when it comes to this. They pay lip service to bullying but don’t really handle things like this well. (and this is a private school where we thought they’d be on top of things like this)</p>
<p>I would tell the school you would to meet with the guidance counselor or school administrator with both sets of parents and children present.</p>
<p>I went through bullying when I was in eighth grade. I would suggest that you talk to the school and maybe the parents if you know them. I will attest that bullying can have long term psychological consequences. I would also advice that you be aware that without warning things can turn physical, not to scare you, because every situation is different, but the situation I was in did turn physical to a point that I was scared, despite being angry. Best wished to you and your son.</p>