What to do about HS.....

Parents Forum
41

Really interesting responses and so appreciated…

One huge AHA I had was how much things vary around the country. So many assumptions made (mine and yours) speak so directly to our own experiences. For example, we have no need for magnet schools here because the schools are all top notch. That’s why we moved here–but I just didn’t understand that to get to be “top notch” meant the children sacrificed any semblance of happiness in high school. In exchange, around 30% of hs graduates go Ivy here, and almost 50% of kids end up in too 100 schools. Sounds good until you consider 1) the high level of mental health issues here and 2) the other 50% which is where my peeps would net out.

@cobrat —you hit the nail on the head.

The school system we go to is ranked tops nationwide–which is why we bought here, long before I understood that “best” wasn’t necessarily right. However, most kids are miserable, the level of mental health problems is through the roof—and to your point, MOST FIND COLLEGE EASIER THAN HS. It’s a common refrain.

There are so many good things here–special services have been fantastic. However, it has crossed my mind more than once that our daughter’s need might not be so pronounced in a more normal environment.

So we have moved forward with the exploration. We have met with the school, had the kids spend a day there and they loved it. The found the atmosphere more relaxed. The new school (another public school, mind you, just three towns over) is a full year behind in math, science and social studies–and my kids loved that too. They felt smart for the first time in forever.

…and I want my kids to feel smart.

Not so they get some overly confident sense of their abilities but the contrary: so they don’t go through life expecting all challenges to feel impossible. I really believe that to build resiliency you have to have the right mix of grit and enough success to make you feel motivated. I fear we won’t have that here–and I already see their spirits being broken in all sorts of way, academic and social.

The place we’d would be moving to is no slouch, just more of a normal, smaller American HS–a good school system by all metrics. One that send an appropriate number of kids to the IVys, and an appropriate level of kids to other areas of life.

As for homeschooling, there is no need for that and it would not be right for my very social children who ultimately still enjoy going to school even if it leaves time for little else.

@thingamajig —you articulated the other fear we have here which is lack of access to things. Getting into an AP class is just about impossible. Everything is ultra competitive and somewhat joyless as a result. The distict we are looking at is about half the size of this one and have wide offerings in sports, etc that are more open to your average child.

Anyway–we are fairly certain we are going to do this but just getting started on the process.

Thank you for taking the time to send me such thoughtful responses. Again, most appreciated.

42

It’s sounds like you are well on your way towards a good solution for you. Great!

I don’t want a debate to start or anything, but my 4 children are also very social, as are many/most of the large number of homeschooled children that we know. The stereotype of homeschooled kids not being very social and the argument against homeschooling of homeschoolers “not having enough social time” always completely cracks us all up, to be honest! If people who hold that view only knew the reality… There are so many opportunities for “social events,” both informal and structured, that it is overwhelming, and we absolutely cannot fit it all in!

Before he met my kids, one dad once told me, “My kids are too social to homeschool.” A little dumbfounded that he would say that right to me, I let it slide, but, later, he met my kids, caught a glimpse of their lives, and apologized, laughing, “Your kids are ‘too social,’ too! I never knew that’s what homeschooling was like… I would’ve never guessed your kids were homeschooled.” Then, he admitted that he’d never actually met many homeschoolers before; I told him that he’d probably think the same about many homeschoolers we know.

Anyway, good luck with everything! The other school seems like a good fit!

43

OP, so glad your new plan is coming together, and that your kids are excited about the new direction you are headed.

@myloves the stereotype of homeschoolers not being social, or trapped at home by themselves doing schoolwork for 10 hours a day really needs to be dispelled. I agree with you that homeschooling is not for everyone, but we think we are the lucky ones with the most freedom to socialize.

My son would coordinate breaks to play with his homeschooled friend down the street. It was a great motivation to finish his work in a timely manner. My D spent many hours at the ballet studio every week, and did schoolwork during her downtime between rehearsals. One of D’s younger ballet friends made it into the Atlanta Ballet at age 11, and homeschooling allowed her the chance to live her dream. We jokingly laugh as we pass a public school, saying that they are “trapped” while we are free to schedule our time as we please.

Homeschoolers, in general, are friendly and non-judgmental. They don’t care what “grade” you are in, and most don’t even relate to the question at all. They might be working on 11th grade Literature, 9th grade math, and attending a dual enrollment class at the local college.

Homeschooling is a big unknown adventure, and anything unknown can seem scary. People just need a chance to hang out with some fun homeschool kids for a few hours to realize how mature, intelligent, and social they really are.

44

The “tutortown” high school sounds like a bad environment for most kids, and certainly for yours. The pressure and pace are certainly exacerbating their issues. Imagine if they went to the public school in the other town and found that they were at the top of the class, being one year ahead from their curriculum? Also, less pressure and more access to all activities = happier kids. Not only that, but they’d receive sufficient accomodations: slower pace, lower pressure, self-esteem enhancing placement, activities, and accomodations would certainly be positives :).

Almost all high schools get students from several middle schools: even if a few students know each other, everyone’s new in the 9th grade, so that it’d be easier socially.

At this point I don’t see any reason to stay in the stressful, unaccommodating district.

Homeschooling is another alternative if you can consider it - but it takes more organization and if both parents work, I’m not sure how that’d be possible. I don’t think dual enrollment is right for younger children but could certainly be explored later on if you or they are unhappy.

And you know what? Happy kids who do what they like instead of feeling they’re inside a washing machine tub wringer mode full speed, do well.
You may not get the bumper sticker to impress the neighbors, but who cares about neighbors for whom that’s what matters? In my book, my kids >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> neighbors and other parents.
(And you may even end up with the bumper sticker anyway, not that it matters - but thriving kids can be surprising and well-ajusted/low-prepped/thriving/lovingwhattheydo kids impress colleges more than overprepped, overstressed kids. Also, your kids may get into a bumper-sticker school and have the wisdom and balance to turn it down and know you’ll support their choice because you put them first. Know however that your kids, if they find their balance, will have lots of choices that they wouldn’t have if they stayed in the supercompetitive district.)

In the meanwhile, some books for you, that your kids may want to read when they’re older:

  • Colleges that Change Lives
  • Where you go is not who you’ll be
  • How to be a high school superstar
    I’d go in that order :)… you’ll feel better.
    What’s good for your kids now is also good for your kids later on.
45

Thanks again for the responses.

In no way do I mean to dog homeschooling but there is no denying that it would not work for my kids. They like being part of a system. I know that there are homeschooling circles and resources–but there are not enough other homeschoolers around here and the net result would be de-facto isolation. Believe me, I know where I live…and I know what works for us and homeschooling would not work.

We have moved around and we have found that there are completely different circumstances and environments depending on where you live. For example, when we lived in the Pacific Northwest, I would have given strong consideration to homeschooling. I like to teach, I love hanging around my kids, and there was sufficient external stimulation to keep things interesting.

That is simply NOT THE CASE where we live now.

If I were to homeschool my kids in this town in this area we would end up sad and lonely fast. So would you because that’s the nature of living here–people are not home during the day, access to stuff is difficult and everyone is running from activity to activity. There are not enough team opportunities and friendships would be hard to maintain. So that is why it would not work, HERE, for my two extroverts.

Plus–the type of course offerings and things that they have access to absolutely exceed my pay grade. I don;t have a broadcast lab here, as an example, and I couldn’t teach them advance math and science and we don’t have the discipline to do distance learning. We know who we are and we know where we would fail and we need the structure, stimulation of formal schooling… It’s no knock on what other’s choose but it’s not right for us and the reasons why are legit.

But I am thrilled it works for you guys and I can definitely see its merits… I get what it offers. I am sure I would enjoy having them home all day and doing stimulating things with them but the social isolation we would experience LIVING HERE IN THIS TOWN is undeniable.

But because I have lived in other towns and in other states (not just NW by the way) I can what that might look like in a different state where things were not so delineated by town/school and where enrichment sources are plentiful. That is not the case here.

I am sorry if I sound defensive but in saying something is not right for us, I did not meant to imply it was not right for others… I have always found the idea of homeschooling intriguing and I know all about the various resources, and social circles and workarounds for obstacles. I keep saying it would not work here but I am not sure I can do justice to all the reasons why not. All I can say is that I might feel differently if we lived somewhere else and ask you keep that in mind when reading my comments. Our decisions and assumptions are based on things the way they are in my life but I am not making general assumptions beyond that…