What to do about HS.....

Parents Forum
1

We have 12 year old twins in the 7th grade. We are in a top district–meaning a total “race to the top” sort of place and the stress/pace is beginning to wane on us…

We have one kid with LDs. Bright, extremely talented singer/actress, quite argy and one math/science kid with ADHD. Both are interested in the arts–though he is more into gaming, film, programming and technology. She is into the arts and having success in that area. She’s hanging in there with school–cobbling together As and Bs, beginning to slide towards Cs. He is a A/B kid. Neither is particularly anything at school- nice, quiet kids flying under the radar.

We are beginning to believe that our local HS is not the right place for our children for a myriad of reasons: pressure,competition, workload, accessibility to opportunities. We have the option to put them in private schools but don’t believe we can get them into the same schools. As a family, our opinion–at the moment–is to keep them together. This is their wish as well–they are good buds.

So we are considering moving a few towns down the road to a smaller community, with less of a track record getting kids into the ivies… Which is fine. I don’t see either of our two going Ivy anyway.

Or–we could press really hard and try and get them into private school.

I am wondering if anyone has any insights we might be missing. The private schools we would have access to have around 100 kids per class, all sports participation, a great arts program but no special ed should she need it. Big entry year in 9th so we have a shot. The public school can accommodate everything but it’s starting over again somewhere where people have been for a long time.

If I had to predict, had a magic wand, and could make my dreams come true, I would want her to go to a top-ish (not a Julliard, second tier) school in the arts, or film, either get a 4 year degree in Drama or Music or something like that. For him, I imagine a good school where he can get a degree in technology. I can’t even tell you what colleges because we are nowhere even close to knowing.

So any advice or experiences you can share would be appreciated,

Thanks!

2

Meant to say Artsy not argy. :slight_smile:

3

If you don’t mind sharing what is her learning disorder?

4

Wow, tough decisions. No real advice here, just that A LOT can change from 7th grade to high school, but if you are feeling that keeping up in the rat race is wearing already it is likely not going to get any better. It has been my experience and observation that most kids completely change friend groups from middle to high school, so don’t stress too hard about "starting over"so to speak.

5

Can you move to a town with a regional HS (drawing kids from several towns)? That way, many kids will be new to each other? Alternatively, if the new town is “just down the road”, can you get them involved in any activities near there (sports, library, other community events) where they might start meeting people?

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So nice to answer me right away, thank you. Kandcmom: She has processing difficulties and ADHD as a result. labegg–REALLY helpful perspective because I had forgotten that kids do change friends…I did!

MJRube: That’s why a few towns over is so appealing–their activities will stay same and we still will be close enough to get together w old friends if things get tough…

7

Talk to your guidance counselor and see if there are any less well known programs at the HS for arts.
For the other localish schools… …are any of them “themed”…have an arts or STEM track/pathway?

For example, our HS has
Arts High School
Students in grades 9 through 12 may satisfy their visual and
performing arts requirement by completing Arts High School
courses. Parents are responsible for the cost of the program.
Students who pass an audition may participate in one of the
following areas: creative writing, vocal music, instrumental
music, theatre arts, dance, or visual arts. Students attend
three-hour class in the afternoon once a week for 14 weeks.
Transportation is provided. For an additional fee,
students can receive 3 credits from XX Community
College.

Look in your HS curriculum guide (should be online).

8

Thanks bopper–I am pretty familiar with the offerings. If we stayed, I believe we could meet her artistic needs–but the pace… Already the pace is crazy. This is a top school–an ivy league feeder and we are not ivy leaguers…just normal thinkers! :slight_smile: My daughter is already made to feel dumb more often than I am comfortable with…and it’s an artificial “dumb” because I don’t think this town is an adequate sampling of the rest of the world. The work load is ridiculous. The teachers look for ways to knock down grades because everyone is achieving and the parents are…obnoxious and I say this with a heavy heart and a ton of knowledge on the matter. We have had these doubts since we moved here but we kept going forward thinking maybe we were exaggerating the problem, or underestimating our kids etc. Without getting into it, I feel very comfortably speaking factually that no matter the program (arts included) this place is a pressure cooker. I just think we can provide our kids an easier but still excellent high school experience with a more balanced life. I do not believe anything that is offered here will give the kids an edge in terms of getting into college–that is worth the cost. Yes–the counselors here are connected but no, not worth it to have miserable children which is what I see and hear about all around me.

9

(wow, this is therapeutic, I am almost answering my own questions!) :slight_smile:

10

Wondering also–are all achieving HS kids miserable? Am I just comparing my childhood to theirs?

…though no, even if all achieving HS kids are miserable, they are particularly miserable here… consistently heard as I go about my day.

11

The thing to remember is no matter what, there is a college for your kids. HS should be a time to learn and explore…
So if your current HS has a strong musical theater program, and DD is a singer actress and wants to perform in the school musical…will she have a chance? But if she gets in, she will have many other students that are into musical theater and a strong teacher. But is it too competitive? She could be a star in a lesser program…but would she like that? I know my DD would rather be with students who are as good or better than her…but other kids might feel differently.

So would a new school have as many opportunities? Would the other students be as academically focused as your kids? Would the computer program be as good? How do you kids feel about making new friends? Generally thy do make a bunch of new friends in HS anyway if you have more than one feeding middleschool.

Does the new school have as good/better support for LDs as the old school?

Will they really be miserable? or are you just thinking they might be because they are not on top?

Look for HS open houses at the possible new schools plus your HS around now (if they have that)…our county has public magnet schools so the local HS has to have an open house to compete.

12

<<
We have one kid with LDs. Bright, extremely talented singer/actress, quite artsy [also some ADHD] and one math/science kid with ADHD. Both are interested in the arts–though he is more into gaming, film, programming and technology. She is into the arts and having success in that area. She’s hanging in there with school–cobbling together As and Bs, beginning to slide towards Cs. He is a A/B kid. Neither is particularly anything at school- nice, quiet kids flying under the radar.
<<

First of all, I would make sure the ADHD issues with both kids are well-managed. We see a LOT of flare ups with poor results in college and at those times, because the kids are over 18, parents have little/no influence in making sure the kids seek/get treatment. Many ADHD kids literally fall apart and do poorly grade-wise and organization-wise once the “safety net” of parents helping “keep all the balls in the air” is removed.

Secondly, I would “fast forward” into thinking about how college will be paid. If you have well-funded college accounts, then they’ll have lots of choices. If you don’t, then the choices you make NOW, could influence the number of choices they will have later.

For example, if you have to spend a lot of money moving or sending to private schools, then affording college costs for twins could be difficult.

Your kids sound like nice kids, but from your description neither might get into schools that give great FA, and it’s unknown if they’d qualify for much talent/academic merit scholarships. You could end up facing large gaps in funding for the two students.

How are your state universities? Are they expensive? good? be a decent fit?

13

Our DS is also in 7th and we are considering a move for HS too. DS is very advanced in math and we currently commute an hour each way to a charter school for gifted kids but it only goes through MS. Our local HS is fine but we are concerned that without others that are strong in math he will not be that happy. In effect, we are looking for the school you are avoiding.

We have tried to make him a big part of the decision process and try to delineate the pros/cons of the various options we have. I told him there will not be a clear answer but I think we have to make what we as a family think is the best decision and then not second guess ourselves. He has stated that he feels he does better if he has someone to compete with as opposed to pushing himself only. I hope through this process he can learn more about himself.

Good luck!

14

Engineering technology majors are much less common than engineering majors at colleges; if he is strong at math and science, he should be able to handle the higher level of math and science in engineering majors. But that is far enough in the future that choosing engineering versus engineering technology is not something that he needs to decide now.

Here is a comparison of engineering and engineering technology: http://www.rit.edu/emcs/admissions/academics/majors/engineering-tech-or-engineering

Agree with the above. Make sure that your financial plan will not end up being overly limiting on the kids’ college choices. For some families, paying for private school may severely limit the choices of college to those with low net prices after financial aid and scholarships.

To get an idea of what financial aid looks like, go to several college web sites (include in-state public as well as private and out-of-state public schools) and use the net price calculators to see what they may cost after financial aid. Of course, costs will change (usually upward) in the future, but seeing examples of the costs may help you adjust your financial planning for their college costs.

15

Are houses in the less-competitive town more affordable? Is the commute to work acceptable? Are your children open to the idea of moving?

Children change as they mature. Many high school students develop new interests, which is natural and normal. However, if you’re finding the climate too high-pressure in middle school, what’s high school like? Would the high school schedule leave your children time to follow individual interests as well? Or would they have to devote every free minute to homework to stay afloat?

Are the LDs exacerbated by inappropriate levels of classwork and school expectations re: executive function?

I would not assume you couldn’t find a private school that would take both children. You can visit open houses at local private schools (near your current home or the possible new town) in the fall. It can be helpful to talk to other parents. If you are contemplating a change to private schools, I’d recommend you arrange for your children to take the SSAT in June. You wouldn’t be able to use it for applications, but it would give you a benchmark to compare your children’s (untutored) performance to the private schools’ admitted classes.

16

My kids had a very good experience at a private with a bit under 100 students per class. It was easy for them to participate in a lot of activities, academics were strong but not crushing, the sense of community was great and they were well known by their teachers, and college counseling was strong. They were very accommodating for my kid with a LD, too. Only issue was cost. :slight_smile: But I gladly paid it. Both had good college results – one is at a top STEM school now, the other graduated Phi Beta Kappa from a second tier LAC (where she had good merit aid) and is a successful adult.

Your mileage may vary… but it worked for us.

17

Oh my gosh, I am so appreciative of the advice and have a lot to process. You have all raised wonderful points.

Here are a few take aways and extra information in relation to your posts above:

  1. Kids change--so true. That is good to hear because it means if we move them, the adjustment period may not necessarily be a disaster. That's good to hear.
  2. Periwinkle raised a great point--the LD's are absolutely being made worse by the VOLUME and intensity.
  3. The pressure in this town is awful. For example, the town we are looking at is an entire year behind in curriculum.....as are the private schools we looked at! So our PUBLIC schools are teaching a year ahead.
  4. This is tutor-town. If you don't have a tutor for every subject, forget about it. So that leaves very little time for pursuits if you are normal children like mine. I wish they were academically gifted, but they are not--they are my children and genetics are what they are! :-) Some kids can handle the pressure and be miserable but perform. Mine cannot....but if they could, not sure I'd like that anyway.
  5. Commute/financials are not a concern--too long to explain but all things end up netting equally.

6.Intparent–I love what you said about the private school. That sounds IDEAL. I just worry that our daughter won’t get in; we’ve tried a few times locally though not recently. Even so, she gets As and Bs–but the schools heard IEP and that was that…and they were very honest about it. However, much has changed and we can try again.

I am very tuned in into this community so I know that we have big issues with mental health/pressure here—and we are beginning to feel the heat. I guess at the moment, I am leaning towards doing it–which is interesting because I am not sure I was this morning when I posted. Just figuring this all out–so hard!!

Thank you and pls keep your incredibly helpful comments coming-so appreciated and I have a lot to mull over.

18

Don’t know how many privates are in your area, but some may not be too hard to get into, but still be quality schools.

Are any of the religous schools ok? Some of the Catholic and Lutheran or just generic Christian schools aren’t too hard for “good kids” to get into. (but some are hard to get into…YMMV)

Our kids’ Catholic high school was smallish and it worked well for them.

19

We ended up in the town with the less stressful high school experience. While there was a good sized cohort that was high achieving things were not crazy. Work loads were reasonable and students did well on APs without being given endless busy work. Because there was a thriving arts program (with a special arts designation on your diploma), many students who were not tippy top students found ways to be recognized without having to go all out in the academic department. My kids ended up with college results that I thought were very much in line with their abilities and they had plenty of down time in high school.

As someone who changed high schools multiple times as a kid including a new junior public junior high (after having been overseas), and a new private high school, I think that you the parent can make the decision and the kids will cope. I told the headmistress at my interview that I didn’t want to go to her school - or at least I’d have preferred to wait a year so I could graduate from junior high - as it happens, the parents were right, the new school was a fabulous fit for me.

I agree with others, the most important thing you can do now (besides figuring out how you are paying for college!_ is to make sure your kids will be able to cope with college. They need to learn to work independently. My youngest had some mild LDs and possibly a touch of ADD (inattentive not hyperactive), but after he ditched a 504 plan going into high school, we told him he had to learn to cope on his own. Which he did.

20

OP, our kids did not go to the very top private in our city. They went to the 3rd or 4th “ranked” one. Not sure what choices you have, though.