What to do about SiL in Possible Physical Danger (Long)

Parent Cafe
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<p>My H’s family has a serious problem that I hope you can help with. He has a 72 year old sister (S) who’s been married for 55 years to her 74 year old H (henceforth called BiL). S is a very religious woman with the patience of a saint, but she’s at the end of her rope. Our family has been noticing personality changes in BiL for the past couple of years. He’s always had a “difficult” personality – “teasing” people in an unkind manner, insisting that anyone who has a different opinion about anything is stupid, always needing to be right, always needing to feel in control - but things have gotten much worse lately. At 1st, we thought it was depression. He didn’t want his wife to host Thanksgiving anymore. When she went ahead with it anyway the past couple of years, he either stayed in his bedroom until nearly everyone had left, or he went for a long drive during dinner. The guests were his 3 kids and their spouses, his grandchildren, and me and my H. Everyone thought he was being very perverse not to want to spend any time with his own kids and grandkids.</p>

<p>This spring, BiL started showing signs of paranoia. He started insisting that S has had multiple affairs over the course of their marriage. I can state with 100% certainty that she has never had an extramarital affair. BiL told H that S’s 1st affair took place when his youngest D, who’s now 47, was a preschooler. The man with whom she supposedly had the affair didn’t even live in our area at that time. BiL thinks S is still “carrying” on with other men to this very day. It’s totally absurd. S is a very overweight, 72 year old woman! BiL insisted that he and S leave the church they’d attended for many years because some of the 30-something-year-old men at the church had their eyes on her. His evidence? They hugged her at the end of the service. </p>

<p>If S goes to the grocery store or to a doctor appt., he calls to check up on her. She came to visit H a couple of weeks ago to go through old photos that belonged to their deceased mother. S told BiL that she’d need 3 or 4 hours. She stayed at our house less than 2 hours. BiL called twice during that time to check on her. She decided to leave before she and H got through all the photos because she could tell that BiL was getting worked up.</p>

<p>S cannot make a phone call without BiL listening in. He has to check to make sure she’s not talking to one of her supposed lovers. S managed to call H a few days ago when BiL was out of the house. She’s told him she doesn’t know how much longer she can stay in the house with her H. We know she is afraid. </p>

<p>BiL wants nothing to do with his 2 Ds. Both of them, after much patient listening to his absurd ranting about their mom, have told him that he is delusional and needs psychiatric help. He’s convinced that they are the ones in denial. He doesn’t have a problem – other than having an unfaithful wife! BiL was calling my H 3 or 4 times a day during the spring and the early part of the summer to vent about his wife. D tried just listening and not responding much until he’d finally had enough. He told BiL that he was confusing dreams with reality. BiL stopped calling and now wants nothing to do with my H.</p>

<p>S managed to surreptitiously get BiL’s orthopedic surgeon to order a head MRI. The doctor told BiL some story about needing to do it as a follow-up after his knee replacement surgery. We’d hoped the MRI would show a tumor or some reason for BiL’s behavior. It came back clean. </p>

<p>We now think that BiL has Alzheimers. We think that the paranoia BiL is displaying, which I believe is a fairly late symptom, may have been hastened by his having 3 surgeries in about a year’s time. S told my H that on a recent trip to a nearby city for a ballgame, BiL drove around the downtown area lost for more than 45 minutes. BiL has always had a superb sense of direction. If he’s been someplace once he could remember how to get there again years later. He was lost in an area of a city he’s been to dozens of times. S knew how to get where they were going, but she could not direct BiL. He insisted she didn’t know what she was talking about. She finally managed to trick him into going the right direction to get to the arena.</p>

<p>I’ve talked to H about having a family intervention with BiL, but he and S think that it would fail. They believe that BiL would insist that S had managed to pull the wool over everyone’s eyes and that it would just further alienate him from his family and turn him even more against his wife. I’ve suggested speaking to BiL’s primary care doctor and asking him to speak to BiL about Alzheimers. H and S believe he’d just decide the doctor is nuts and look for another physician. I agree that seems likely.</p>

<p>S has told H that she doesn’t think she can afford to live on her own if they divorce. BiL has said to her that he’ll burn their house down before he’ll sell it and give half the proceeds to her. She’s hinted that he’s said if her adultery doesn’t stop he may have to take physical action against her. H has told me that he knows there is a gun in the house. I’ve suggested having his son confiscate it, but my H fears it would further inflame the situation and says BiL would simply replace the weapon. S said to us “jokingly” when going through photos a couple of weeks ago that she hoped we’d open the door to her if she came knocking in the middle of the night. The note she wrote to my H in his birthday card earlier this month sounded like she fears she may not live much longer. I truly believe she fears her H may eventually murder her!</p>

<p>I do not know what to tell her. We’ve thought about telling her to go stay with her oldest D, but we know that A) she doesn’t want to be a burden, and B) she thinks she might be putting her D in danger. S thinks any effort to get a doctor to tell BiL he has a problem would fail. We’ve thought about telling her to get a protective order issued against her H, but my H thinks that law enforcement would refuse because he’s never actually laid a hand on her. Do any of you have any ideas? S desperately needs help!!!</p>

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<p>She needs to get out of the house. Is an extended “visit” at a child’s house possible?</p>

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<p>She needs to quickly plan an exit strategy. Have her set up a bank account in her name and transfer some money into it. She needs to gather her essentials in a small bag–(paper work, banking/insurance info, financial papers, money, prescriptions, eyeglasses, cell phone and charger, a few days clothing). I also recommend that she change her cell phone number and give the new number to a select few.</p>

<p>I don’t recommend she stay with her daughter (or any of their other kids) because this will be the first place her husband looks for her. </p>

<p>As soon as she has her emergency bag ready, it’s time for her to go “shopping” and never return.</p>

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<p>Based on my own (limited) experience, it sounds very much as if your BiL suffers from dementia/Alzheimer’s, which may have indeed been hastened by his recent surgeries. An intervention would be worse than useless. As you’ve already guessed, your BiL would deny any problems and blame his wife and anyone else involved. It could indeed trigger a violent reaction, with awful consequences.</p>

<p>Since your H’s sister has, I assume, already told the ortho. surgeon about BiL’s behavior, there should have been some followup after the MRI came back fine. His primary care doctor should be informed of his bizarre and threatening behavior, with the intent of at least temporarily placing him in a secure facility for dementia patients while the doctor tries Aricept or other dementia treatments (if the doctor thinks there’s any hope.) If your BiL responds to treatment, it might be possible for him to move back home, as long as his wife gets assistance with his care. It’s a sad situation, but I hope that his family will persist in getting a proper diagnosis. Your BiL is, IMHO, no longer able to make health care decisions for himself, nor is he mentally competent to manage his own affairs in any other way. He needs medical help before his behavior causes him to be arrested.</p>

<p>I’ve seen previously laid back, kind and patient relatives become ill-tempered and, in one case, physically abusive. Two of them became very anxious, to the point of paranoia, for over a year before their spouses could be convinced to speak to their doctors. If your BiL has not signed a medical PoA, it’s possible that his doctor won’t discuss the situation with your H’s sister, at least not until a diagnosis is made that BiL is no longer competent. But, that doesn’t stop the wife from presenting her concerns to the doctor(s), in detail. </p>

<p>If your SiL can be persuaded to move out of her home, she needn’t tell BiL where she’s going. She might contact whatever help is available in her area for abused women, even though so far BiL has only made verbal threats and not actually harmed her physically. As previous posters said, she needs to prepare to leave immediately. I wish her the best.</p>

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<p>It sounds like something along the lines of dementia to me. My mom-in-law, a wonderful lady, developed dementia and became very paranoid - thinking people were trying to kill her and things like that. It wasn’t alzheimers (I don’t think) as she did not forget who people were. It was very strange, you would be having a very normal, rational conversation and all of a sudden it would veer into people putting poison in her slippers to kill her.</p>

<p>I also noticed you mentioned he had surgery. My Mum had surgery for cancer a couple of years back and she went in quite mentally fit and came out of surgery really off the rails a bit. Similar to my MIL - thinking people were mistreating her in the hospital and trying to kill her. She even said that I had been brainwashed when I refused to let her leave the hospital in her hospital gown and carrying her bag of urine attached to the catheter. It was all very disturbing at the time. She did get over it but to this day cannot sort out reality from whatever was going on in her mind at the time. I have heard that surgery and anesthesia at a certain age can push some people into dementia. It did seem like my MIL went downhill mentally after hers.</p>

<p>I don’t really have any good advice. It sounds like you S needs to talk to their primary care doctor for advice. If he cannot help and if she feels unsafe she needs to get out of the situation.</p>

<p>So sorry your family is going through this. We have had some similar things - my semi paralysed FIL pulled a gun on his great granddaughter when she stole from him (drug problems on her part) and shot into the ceiling - ended up with a swat team at the house in the middle of the night. This was a guy who was a pilar of the community before his health deteriorated.</p>

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<p>I am so sorry about your SIL’s situation. I just want to put forth another thought. While others may be right that some sort of dementia may be starting, that’s not what I thought of when reading the first post. I read the story to be very descriptive of a controlling abusive man. Many of the things you describe fit that. You even said he behaved in certain ways all along and is just seeming worse now. And such behavior, or even mental illness, can worsen. And just think that you are not truly seeing everything that goes on privately. So, I am not sure that he has the start of dementia or an illness of that sort, but may be abusive (abuse is often verbal/emotional, not physical, though can build to that), and may have a personality disorder. None of us can say of course. I surely can’t. But the description fits that type of personality. </p>

<p>In any case, it’s a bad situation for your SIL. If your SIL has confided in you, then it likely is pretty bad. I don’t know if a doctor could intervene. She could leave though may find it hard to do so (is she willing to consider that?). I don’t know if they are religious and have a clergy person who might intervene. I’m glad your SIL has you and your husband and I hope for the best in what is a very difficult situation.</p>

<p>PS…what concerns me the most, if this is an abusive man, that he may be on the verge of escalating beyond verbal/emotional abuse and control and attempt physical violence, and the fact that he has a gun in the home would greatly concern me and the fact that SIL went so far as to say that if she ever came knocking on your door in the middle of the night…well, she might have just cause to fear for her safety (women in abusive situations, who have cause to suspect possible physical violence, often tell someone such concerns and these cannot be ignored). Actually, come to think of it, you said he already THREATENED physical violence. That can be a precursor that is a sign that it really might happen. She may wish to contact a Domestic Violence organization for advice.</p>

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<p>I’m concerned that nothing is being done because people are deciding ahead of time that it won’t work.
S needs to go in with someone (your H) and speak with her husbands doctor privately. Then the doctor can bring them up with your BIL. If S decides to leave under no circumstances should BIL be told where shebhas gone. Someone needs to “borrow” the damn gun and simply not return it. And so on.</p>

<p>Action needs to be taken. Somethings will not work, that’s no excuse not to try.</p>

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<p>Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer.
I do not know the exact law to obtain a restraining order (order of protection) but it may be that if the person has issued verbal threats of physical harm, it meets the criteria. </p>

<p>I think your sister-in-law may also wish to consult an attorney that she has been threatened by her husband regarding physical violence, though so far his abuse is verbal. The lawyer can advise. I don’t know if SIL is willing to obtain a temporary restraining order, but if she is coming to you guys seeking help, she may be willing to look into this.</p>

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<p>^She needs to move out of the house before seeking any kind of advice from a lawyer. If she’s still living in the house and her husband finds out that she is seeking advice from a lawyer, her safety will be seriously at risk.</p>

<p>First, she should prepare to leave and get out. Get her papers, finances, etc. stashed away in her bag. Have an alternative living arrangement in place (not with her kids). Once she is safely out of the home, then she can seek legal counsel.</p>

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<p>I have agreed up to a certain point, until the OP mentioned the trip to the nearby city for a ballgame and how lost he was.</p>

<p>I also agree that he has some serious pathological control issues, but it’s very likely at his age, that they are being exacerbated by some physiological process. Lots of times when I meet families of patients with dementia who are having behavior issues, they will say that their loved one always was a difficult, controlling person, but the dementia just highlights it. They lose their inhibitions.</p>

<p>Also behavior issues are more noticeable with a form of dementia called dementia with Lewy bodies than other forms.</p>

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<p>Getting lost were certainly symptom of dementia in my family, but I don’t think it really matters whether it’s worsening abuse or dementia. It’s dangerous. The gun needs to disappear, she needs to get money somewhere she can access it and she needs to get out. Only when she is safe should you bring in the doctors and lawyers.</p>

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<p>For what it’s worth, that’s exactly what I was thinking, too. Take the gun away. If he gets another one, cross that bridge when you come to it. The gun needs to go away, though.</p>

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<p>This thread brings back some very sad, very difficult memories for me. Before my mom died this past spring, she went through some extremely bad personality changes. The family is absolutely certain she had some type of dementia, although we could not get a diagnosis despite multiple trips to a famous clinic. One of the most painful things for me was the phone calls I got from my mom, in a panic, who insisted that my 80 year old father was chasing her around the house demanding sex. The things she said to me were absolutely not things my mother would ever have said if she were in her right mind. She had episodes of paranoia and delusions. I could tell you about many more painful incidents that occurred. She was involuntarily committed to a psych hospital for a week 10 weeks after my brother died - the diagnosis was depression & the solution was meds. They didn’t work … probably because she didn’t have depression. We are convinced she had some type of dementia - not Alzheimers, but something related to the frontal lobe of the brain given her issues. Doctors in her area were just so useless. It was a horrible, horrible time.</p>

<p>The worst part was, my mom knew she was messed up, for the most part. She didn’t remember some of the things that happened, like calling me about my dad, but she was aware that she was spinning out of control. She hated it so much. It was so painful. We tried to get her & my dad to move back north, but they refused. We tried to get my dad to put her in some type of assisted living, but he couldn’t do that … she was too lucid for that, and he just couldn’t do it. But for so long, they lived a sad life of fighting constantly - they rarely went anywhere other than to the doctor, and they were miserable. </p>

<p>It is really, really hard to get the spouse to “abandon” the partner. I wish I could give advice, but I obviously was not able to help my own parents. What I can offer is sympathy for the situation. Is there a good gerontologist in SIL/BIL’s community? Maybe this would be helpful as a resource for support.</p>

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<p>Something else to look into- Lewy Body disease. DH’s grandmom had this- it’s very much like Alzheimer’s but they use different drugs to try and minimize the symptoms . She would know who you were at times, other times extremely paranoid and could get violent. read more about lewy body here:</p>

<p>[Lewy</a> Body Dementia: Signs, Symptoms, Treatment, Caregiving and Support](<a href=“http://helpguide.org/elder/lewy_body_disease.htm]Lewy”>http://helpguide.org/elder/lewy_body_disease.htm)</p>

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<p>Several posters have suggested Lwewy Body Dementia. LEwy body tends to have a variable course-- one day they are clear, the next confused. IT has symptoms that overlap with parkinsons dementia, and one of the hallmark symptroms is visual hallucinations. Doesnt sound like these have been reported. </p>

<p>That said- when one develops a dementia (and there are many kinds-- this could be a fronto-temporal dementia, which is my guess based on the behavior, or a vascular dementia with small vessel disease or a Primary deteriorative dementia like Alzheimers, even if the scan was considered “clean”) sometimes there is an exascerbation of underlying personality traits-- so if they are a little suspicious by nature, they may become increasingly so. Add to that the fact that they may be having memory probles, may “mis-remember” things and they accuse people of lying to them. </p>

<p>While your SIL s safety is important, and of primary concern, the BIL needs to see a good neurologist and also get a neuropsychological eval. If worse comes to worse, you could involge adult protective services in their area, if he is unwilling to be seen by doctors. Hopefully that wont be necessary. Good luck!</p>

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<p>Thanks for all of the advice. I spoke with our local Women’s Crisis Center earlier today. I’m going to pay a visit to S today to urge her to pack her important papers and a couple of changes of clothing to prepare to leave. I also plan to speak with S’s oldest D today and ask her to come with me to speak to BiL’s doctor. I want to see if he can force BiL to be evaluated by a neurologist. I will also be consulting an elderlaw attorney to see what S’s legal options are.</p>

<p>I’ve been making suggestions to my H for weeks about what needs to be done. My alarm bells are now shrieking and I feel I cannot in good conscience wait any longer for one of BiL’s or S’s blood relatives to do something about the situation. You’ve all confirmed my gut feelings. Thank you. I will keep you apprised about how things turn out.</p>

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<p>This is so sad and yes it does sound like dementia/alzheimers. My father in law became a horrible person once his dementia became severe. He was paranoid and delutional and made life very hard. Your sister in laws life is in jeopardy living there. When people with dementia get this bad they have no reasoning ability, and their reality is all they know.</p>

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<p>I’m glad your SIL can count on you for support and hopefully she welcomes it and that you are trying to be pro-active. Update us when you can.</p>

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<p>Apologies for all the typos in the post above. Sounds like you are on the right track,and including the trip to the eldercare atty is a good plan. Also, you might want to pick up a copy of “The 36 Hour Day” by Mace and Rabins. The latest edition is the 4th edition, I believe. It is an invaluable resource for family members of people with various dementias. <a href=“http://www.amazon.com/36-Hour-Day-Alzheimer-Disease-Dementias/dp/0801885094[/url]”>http://www.amazon.com/36-Hour-Day-Alzheimer-Disease-Dementias/dp/0801885094&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>Lawyer. Your SIL needs a lawyer right now. The lawyer can start competency hearings so that she can move him to a facility that will meet his needs.</p>