<p>Looking for some advice from the parental crew here…</p>
<p>This will be the first Christmas without my mom. She passed away in March. She was always the one who took the lead on the holiday things like presents, cookie baking, decorations, and now it’s just me with my dad and brother. I know that things will be different this year, but I don’t know what to do to still make it… Christmasy? Complicating matters, I am studying abroad right now and won’t get home until December 22.
Any suggestions on what to do to make this year still feel special, not just sad and less decorated?</p>
<p>I am so sorry that you and your family are dealing with this. Holidays can be very difficult when you have recently lost a loved one. It sounds like the pressure is on you to try to piece something together and make Christmas somewhat enjoyable.
You could either try to preserve some of the traditions your mother made . When I say some, I mean no one person could possibly do all of the preparations in two days.
Is there someone(s) that can help you out with some of the tasks ?
You could also do something a little different to get through the holidays, perhaps eat out, take a day trip to a local point of interest.</p>
<p>Sorry for your loss. You are right, things will be different this year. Do you have other family in the area your family can spend some time with on Christmas Day? </p>
<p>As for decorating decide what you can do. You probably can’t do everything so prioritize the traditions that meant the most you and your family. Ask your Dad and brother to get some things started like setting up the Christmas tree, etc. Can the three of you plan on spending time when you get home to decorate? How is your Dad going to handle gifts this year? Can you help by giving him a list of stuff you and your brother might like? Perhaps give him links to places online he can buy stuff. Maybe he can give you his credit card and you can order your brothers stuff online to be delivered home.</p>
<p>IF you are religious -I would certainly consider letting someone in your Church help you out a little this year.
I agree with the others. Pick a few of your favorite things to carry on and let some slide. You don’t want to make yourself sick trying to create a perfect Christmas.
Accept that this one will be hard at times.
Don’t be shy about using short cuts - like going to a restaurant for some meals or using refrigerated cookie dough. </p>
<p>I would certainly discuss this with your brother and father ahead of time and see if you can make some plans that work for the 3 of you.</p>
<p>This may be a low-key Christmas for all of you since all 3 of you will be missing your mom a lot. </p>
<p>Don’t try to do too much. Maybe choose 1-2 things to do “in memory of Mom” that will bring a smile to each of your faces. </p>
<p>What was your mom’s favorite Christmas cookie? maybe the 3 of you can bake them together…and have a little champagne toast to mom?</p>
<p>I agree with the suggesting of leading your dad to easy online purchasing like Amazon. You and your sibling can look on Amazon for things that you’d like, then click on the email link on each item’s page and email to dad…so that dad will know that you want that. Then all he has to do is pick and choose and order.</p>
<p>Do you have extended family who you can do the big dinner with? If not, and it’s too much to cook yourself, then find out if any local restaurants cater and will let you pick up the day before. Marie Callendars (when I lived in Calif) was great for this. You’d order a few days before, and then pick everything up (pies, too) the day before. </p>
<p>This is hard stuff. We lost my dad in November of last year. I’m a delayed-reaction kind of person and it didn’t really sink in until Thanksgiving. I agree with the above advice to honor some traditions but be willing to let some slide, or even create new ones. This isn’t necessarily a holiday tradition, but on the anniversary of my dad’s passing this year, I took the day off from work and had lunch with my mom and brother at my mom’s retirement community. We had a lovely day remembering Daddy and I plan to make that a tradition.</p>
<p>People have given some good advice about simplifying. It’s going to be a rough one and there isn’t much you can do about it, even if you had someone handling all the preparations. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to be festive. Try to enjoy the time with your family as much as you can. This too shall pass, and future Christmases will feel better.</p>
<p>I am so sorry for your loss. I do think this year needs to be simpler, but this doesn’t mean you can’t celebrate. Maybe try something new (and easy), like getting your tree the day after you get home and decorating it together? This might become a new tradition.</p>
<p>Hugs.
I lost my mom 4 years ago, after Thanksgiving, & to top it off I spent it alone because my oldest had made a commitment to dog sit & apparently thought we would just go to where she was.
But our dog was old and sick & couldn’t travel or be boarded so H drove down on Xmas to see the girls.( youngest had went earlier)
So needless to say, it was a pretty quiet Christmas for me, I only did minimal decorating and just stayed in.
I think that’s ok, because it helps to have things quieter while you are going through a transition unless you really feel motivated to do something.</p>
<p>I am, too, so sorry for your loss. It is okay to spend the holidays in tears, or asleep, or doing whatever Gets You Through. There are no rules. And, frankly, there is very little you can do in a concrete sense that will make the pain of the loss substantially dimish when you are looking at an empty chair. It’s awful. That’s why you are dreading it and feeling sad ((hug)). </p>
<p>That being said, you can cry, and still do it together. You can miss her, together. You can open gifts and give them, together. In time, you will create some new traditions that will bridge the hole in your heart. This year, I second the advice to just say “Do we want to make cookies?” “Do we want to put up the tree?” and if you feel like you can’t face it, then don’t. And if you feel like it at the last second, then stay up late and do. Something simple, like a lit candle, can help. </p>
<p>Your mom must have been so proud of such a thoughtful child.</p>
<p>So sorry for your loss.
I’d suggest do a little bit travel and get away from the home, it is a sad place to stay around. Makes you think more of your mom. And since you have not been home long, it makes more difficult to come home. Get away maybe will alleviate some of the pain for the family.</p>
<p>What my friends who have suffered profound losses such as yours have done is “something different.” I don’t know yoir budget, so I can’t make specific recommendations, but visiting out of town friends or relatives would be perfect, or a night or two at a fun hotel or destination. Anything but doing what your family has always done.</p>
<p>Nano, a big bear hug for you and your family. Many of us know the pain of the loss of our mothers and how difficult these “first year holidays” can be. </p>
<p>Greenbutton’s post is so full of wisdom and written so well. I can’t add much of anything. </p>
<p>Just know that time will help with the sadness and intense pain of your loss. That some day you will celebrate the holidays with a smile and warm memories of your mom.</p>
<p>Maybe you could find some Christmas play or concert or other community event that you could attend that you might not have done before. I’ve lost all of my senior family members, and my husband has lost most of them, and I agree that doing something “different” may help. Doing some of the same things may help to honor your mom. As Greenbutton says, there is no wrong way to do this.</p>
<p>I would get out and volunteer. That way you would all be busy and engaged in an activity together. It may become a new tradition, and would certainly be better than sitting at home trying not to think about how Christmas used to be.</p>
<p>I am so sorry for your loss. Really really sorry. Holidays will never be the same, they will be different. That doesn’t mean that they won’t be good. They will, but not now.</p>
<p>Yes, pick your favorite things. And, while this year it may be tough, TALK to each other. Tell stories of you mom and why a cookie or a decoration is important. These will be the stories that you children and grandchildren will remember.</p>
<p>Nano- Very sorry for your loss. This is so hard and I think to be asking the question ahead of time puts you in a very special category. Agree that it makes sense to talk with your father and brother about what they would like to do, keep some traditions and don’t be afraid to remember your mother, talk about her and be sad when you’re sad. There is no way around this but through it and your family is blessed to have you thinking about how to make it work.</p>
<p>In a way, arriving close to Christmas could be viewed as liberating. You do what you can do within the time-frame and focus on what matters most, without the pressure of creating “perfection”. It will be about being together and perhaps trying new things. Your holidays going forward will shake out over time, so try not to feel that you are all setting permanent precedents this year. </p>
<p>Best to all of you. I lost my mother 7 years ago and still feel an extra tug at the holidays. I take that as indication of how much she will always mean to me.</p>
<p>I lost my mom in January 2012 and the first Christmas after she died was really strange for us. We actually decided that we did want to keep up with all our traditions (such as going for a Christmas morning walk around central London) because she would have wanted us to. That said, I like the idea of doing something different that’s a new tradition for you - we’ve adopted that for my birthday which happens to be the day my mom died - we will now go to the theatre to see something she would have liked/wanted to see.</p>
<p>I’m really sorry this happened to you. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.</p>
<p>I am sorry to hear about your loss, having lost both my parents a long time ago, I can remember how hard it was. In my case, I was married and had my own family, so it was a bit different, but it still hurts. My mom died 2 months before my son was born, so that first Christmas was bittersweet, having a baby but not the person who I suspect would have gone nuts over him…I can’t say this will work for you, but I liked to think my mom was around, we used a very old tradition and had a place set for her at our kind of improvised table (our house was under construction, we didn’t have a kitchen at Christmas), and we used it to remember her in little ways, the kind of cookies we had, and we also, even if it seems weird with a 4 month old child, spent time talking about her in front of my son, maybe hoping it would tie him to her even though he doesn’t remember it of course, and it also helped us move on, too. </p>
<p>I like what another poster said, do what feels appropriate to you and your family, grieve the way you wish, and if you feel it would be better not to try and do what your mom would do, then don’t do it, or have your own ritual. Christmas, despite the black friday blitz and internet monday, is a time of hope and bringing light in a time of dark, and to me that seems like a good time to be grieving and remembering, but also a time to look around and see the good things that are there, like your brother and dad:). </p>
<p>My best wishes to all of you, and know she is with you, the fact that you are sad and grieving means she is in your hearts and will be with you always.</p>
<p>I would sprinkle the day with activity. Go for a walk. How about the movie theatre. Going to a movie late in the day say after 5pm on Christmas can be nice (make sure it’s not a sad movie).</p>
<p>I would try for something that reminds you of Mom - a special recipe, the mantle looking a certain way. Maybe you will do lots more. But if you don’t, it’s ok if it not like old times. Maybe a short prayer to Mom as part of grace at dinner - let her be remembered, and that would also diffuse the sadness. Know that each of you may deal with the day differently. Focusing on the loss may not be how everyone wants to spend the day - people grieve differently. So be prepared for differences in intensity of (shown) emotions.</p>