Daughter off to first year of college about four hours drive away (yeah!) but unfortunately this happens after a big summer romance with a guy five years older than she is (college drop-out, down on college, a wannabe actor working as a waiter, and sharing an apartment with a rich older friend). So what happens over school breaks when she comes home on our dime but basically stops in just long enough to take a bath, hug the dog and then literally disappears for five solid days to live with the aforementioned nice-enough (but inappropriate) boyfriend the entire time, maybe with the occasional text “all okay”? Christmas break, same thing? Should we change the locks? Not pay for the travel home? Ignore it all? Was thinking about vacating the premises to go on vacation ourselves, for then the pair of them will most likely live it up in our place, happy to have the space to themselves. Any advice from been there done that parents?
Has this already happened or are you anticipating this is what will happen?
I’m not sure I would burn my bridges with my kid over this…and no, it wouldn’t make me happy either.
Will this boyfriend be invited to celebrate any of the holidays or holiday events with you and your family?
Remember, this boyfriend could someday be your son in law…just saying.
I would set some ground rules about her staying at home. Invite the BF to dinners and have him with you so you can see your D too.
I will also say that long distance relationships are tough at that age and you may have a non issue by the time she comes home for Thanksgiving.
I am speculating that it will happen. The summer was basically like that and rather distressing, although we silenced our distress. When the boy was over at our place, we were always getting out of bed between midnight and 1 a.m. and signaling him to leave. Didn’t want him couchsurfing at our place all the time.
Set a schedule. If the first holiday is Thanksgiving, tell her when you expect her at home for dinners or to help prepare. If you are going out to dinner as a family, tell her and that BF is/isn’t invited.
If you don’t want her to come home if all she’s going to do is be with the boyfriend, don’t invite her home (or buy the ticket), but make sure that’s what you want.
Happens all of the time. Could be one of my guys , ha ha that’s her boyfriend except they tend to stick to their own age. But I see this a lot. Usually it ends in its own but that could be your future son in law, father of your grandchildren, so make nice though don’t a door mat.
boy I’ve got the same issue except the D is now a senior in college, and my wife is completely 100% hands off with her (except for paying tuition and apparently she got her birth control medicine). I don’t really want to get involved much since this is an inherited situation for me, since D freaks out at how I communicate and go back and forth with my S (my own) - apparently she’s been a bit too independent for a long time.
This is a hard one. I myself would set some strict ground rules and expectations, but if you asked my wife, she would say that, well they have to learn on their own.
That’s a very good Mom thing to do.
I used to tell my girls that our home wasn’t a bed & breakfast. There were certain expectations of them. When they came home on breaks, they visited their friends during the day, but they were always home for dinner when I came home from work(they may then go out after dinner). It was the same when I visited them in school.
I think the underlying problem is that we think having such a “serious” boyfriend as well an inappropriate one is just not good for a first-year college student, it undermines her longer-term emotional development and maturity and commitment to college life. I really hope this guy is not our future son-in-law!
Was she staying with him for long periods (and by that I think I mean any overnights at all) this summer before she left? Because if she did and you allowed it, why would she ever think she shouldn’t/couldn’t continue to do this on her breaks?
I’m not clear on this but I’m getting the impression that maybe she did this Summer 2019 with him.
I agree with @abasket. If you let her stay overnight at her BF’s place before college then why would she behave differently when she came home from college.
Yes, we did “let” her. It was more a done deal, in the sense that we found out about it at 2:00 a.m., and what then are we going to do? And what could possibly be the sanctions for going against our forbidding it? We had already cut her “allowance” to zero and there was no leverage left to impose our will over the summer. She would often say, well then why not let my boyfriend spend the night in her bedroom? Ugh… What a mess.
Are you paying for college? If so, you have a lot of leverage . It’s your house, your rules.
So many anecdotes I could share. One friend on pins and needles because the bf was a dropout and lousy local cable tv wrestler with no resources. Her D eventually gave him up. My own younger kid had one who detested “family life.” All I ever said was to emphasize to D how important family was to her and us and keep loving my D. (This sig other could barely sit through a family dinner.) They eventually broke up.
My future SIL did have a degree but was a wannabe actor mowing lawns when they met, a good actor, but not good enough. He’s about 4 years older, worked part time at the market and then an office supply place when he first moved to our area (to be near D.) He’s now working for a subsidiary of a major investment firm (not overpaid, but making plenty of money, responsible.) Bottom line, he’s a wonderful guy.
We kept to family rules when our kids came home. Nothing oppressive, just clear expectations that this is still the family home, they were still our dependents and had roles to play and were expected at most dinners (not all) and to keep lines of communication open.
What are you really worried about that you talk of changing the locks or abandoning her at college?
Ask her if her BF is prepared to support her (insurance, food, clothing, school…) If she want to put on her big girl pants on then she could do as she pleased, but until then… At the same time, even when she is a self supporting adult, when she comes into her parents’ hometown it is common courtesy to spend some time with her parents. Ask her if she were to visit a friend (staying over at her place), would she not spend any time with the friend.
As someone else said, this man could be your future SIL and father of your grandchildren.
If you had a crystal ball and knew this to be true in the future, what kinds of decisions and actions and attitudes would you take today?
She may outgrow him, or she may not. I’d back up to what really matters and focus on that.
You don’t want her dropping out of school, so confirm that that is a priority for her too. (This is a two-fer. She gets an education and is with other people/not with him.)
You want to have a good relationship with her. Be upfront about what you want her to be around for when she’s home. Dinner? Family gatherings? Time alone with you (shopping, mani-pedi, movies, cooking class?) Try to keep it real and pleasant. Frame your concerns as that -your concerns rather than a judgment about him or them as a couple.
I think it’s fair to say that you worry that she won’t finish her degree/won’t take advantage of what college has to offer because part of her is at home with him. It’s fair to say you miss her and are hurt she spends so little time at home when she visits and that you see her so little. Can you find a solution together? This is a chance for both of you to intentionally create an adult relationship which hopefully will have several decades to evolve. Personally, I am wary of the hardball solutions-- kids are experimenting with their freedom and ultimately you want them to be independent. No need for that to come at the cost of a relationship with you.
OP can still have rules for D regarding coming home and her relationship while not alienating BF. Have BF over for dinner and playing cards. Have an evening out with them and go visit Christmas lights. Acknowledge and respect the relationship but also acknowledge some pre-spoken requirements or requests (your call on the lingo) about her time with you/your family on breaks.
Yes he could be a future SIL. Even more of a reason to in a nice way letting them both know how much family time means.
Pick and choose your battles.
Be prepared to accept the consequences of them.